Chapter four
Hey all, here's chapter 4!
Story Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer created the Twilight series and characters.
Just a heads up, since I know it took me a while to figure out what it meant when I first heard it… AD means athletic director. This is someone on staff at the school who doesn't work directly with the athletes often but oversees the details of the athletic programs at the school.
Warning that there's a potentially triggering coercive sex scene toward the end. I will mark it with "***" before and after that scene in case you don't want to read it. There's also a potentially triggering self-destructive scene as well that's partially included in the sex scene and I'll add "$$$" before it starts if you don't want to read that portion. The self-destructive portion lasts until the end of the chapter from there.
"Alright, hear me out…. I really think we could do it. I think it'll be difficult but totally worth it and it'd be so fun!" Edward was practically begging Bella.
"I don't know I mean they're already in season and we're two random adults essentially picked up off the side of the road. You think they'd even listen to us? I mean what if we need to make adjustments to lanes or change their meet lineup around or something and they get really mad?"
The swim coach had recently been fired for yelling at the athletes and encouraging the athletes to yell at each other. It wasn't just yelling; he'd been calling them names and had been using… a lot… of profanity over the years, he'd also had some questionable rough-housing (all well intended) with some of them that left some bruises and the parents had finally had enough. He was a decent coach and typically got really good results but he just hadn't adjusted to the coaching methods as they changed over the years and would often use embarrassment tactics to get kids to work harder. Edward had really wanted to apply for the position once he heard they were in need of a new coach but didn't want to go at it completely alone since the old coach didn't have an assistant.
"It'll be fine! They know we're coming in mostly blind. We'll start off just getting to know them and we'll adjust as needed. They'll understand! If they don't then we can talk to them privately and explain the situation!"
"Have you coached before? I've never coached before and I'm not sure I'll be very good at it. I wasn't fast in high school and I'm not sure I have what it takes to tell them how to get better."
"I have coached before," he smiled. "It's not too hard! We'd be doing it together anyway and I'd help you every step of the way! We can plan practices together to start so we're on the same page. You can take JV and I'll take the Varsity kids! There's no pressure on JV! If you hate this season, you don't have to come back next year. Please, Bella? Pretty, pretty, pretty please?" Edward was giving her full on puppy dog eyes and even stuck his bottom lip out into a pout and Bella had a sudden thought of what his lips would taste like. Blushing slightly, she turned away before he could notice, and adjusted some papers on her desk.
"Okay fine. We can give it a shot… But if it really sucks, I am not going to do it next year!" Edward beamed at her, his green eyes twinkling. She'd never seen him so openly excited about something in the month or so that she'd known him.
She knew she'd be committing to a lot with this but as long as she wasn't having to do it on her own, she thought it would be something she could do after work that she could feel good about. Mike may not like it but she wasn't planning on telling him until the Athletic Director said they were officially the new coaches for the swim team otherwise she was afraid he'd try and talk her out of it. Honestly, swim had given her a lot when she was in high school. She was going through a hard time and it gave her a sense of belonging and freedom. She gained some confidence and was able to feel strong for the first time in her life. If she could give that sense of pride and accomplishment to another athlete, she'd be able to walk away from this with some sense of purpose and success.
"Great! Let's go talk to the AD before he leaves!" he said, practically dragging Bella out of her chair and toward the door. She tried to squash down the light tingling she felt on her wrist where he touched her. It made her heart flutter ever so slightly. 'I'm with Mike,' she internally scolded herself.
"Slow down! I'm coming, I'm coming!" she chuckled. They walked out, she locked her door, and they walked the distance to the AD's office.
"Come in," the AD shouted after Edward had knocked on the closed door. Bella quickly glanced up at Edward, her big, brown eyes flashed a worried glance in Edward's direction.
"It'll be fine," Edward whispered and gave her a reassuring smile as he opened the door. "Hey, Embry. You have a minute?"
"Yeah, what's up?"
"We heard there was an opening for the swim coach position and we were wondering if we could toss our hats into the ring? We'd like to be co-coaches, if that's an option?"
"Oh, really? You guys have experience?" Embry asked, quickly sifting through papers.
"Yeah, I used to help coach a few years ago and both of us swam in high school so we have some experience!"
"That's great! That'll save me a load of work, honestly! Okay, we've got a checklist to go through before you're fully on board." He pulled out a piece of paper from the stack he'd just been rifling through. "You obviously have fingerprints done already, you're teachers here. Your CPR and First Aid is good so you don't need that. You'll need to take the SafeSport online course and the concussion safety online course… I think that's about it for now. Great, we can postpone practices a bit until you can get all that done. I'll need to send it into the district before you guys can start and once it's on file, we can get you guys on deck right away! Maybe we can set up a parent meeting in the meantime so everyone can get to know you both?"
"Wow, really? Just like that?" Bella asked a little breathless.
"Yeah, pretty much! Let's see, you do know how to coach swim, right?" Embry glanced between the two of them.
"Yeah! Lots of drills to get the stroke right and then working between distance and sprints to work on stamina and speed, making sure not to kill them so much that they have constant injuries that never heal. Working walls, diving, finishes, breathing, relays… Knowing their times and knowing their improvements. All that fun stuff!" Edward answered excitedly. "Bella and I were discussing planning practices together for the first few so I can help if she feels she needs it. I'm happy to help out at her practices for a while, if she wants, since they'll be at different times."
"Sound good to you, Bella?" Embry asked.
"Yeah," she said quietly, feeling a little nervous.
"Great! Sounds good to me! Let me get all this paperwork started. Here's the list of what you need to do before you can start coaching." Embry started handing Bella and Edward papers and having them sign things. Bella started to get a little overwhelmed but pushed it down because if she was being honest, she was also pretty excited.
"If we meet in a classroom after a parent meeting, could we start practices sooner? I was thinking about showing some film on technique and explaining why it helps. I figure that'd be a good way for us to get to know the kids before we really start getting into the pool. They'd also still be in the mindset since they'll be having meets coming up pretty soon. I'd hate for them to lose interest or get discouraged after a week or so off."
"That's actually a great idea. I can supervise so it's legal and it'll give me a chance to see you two in action!"
"Great! I'd love to start soon, if we can!"
"Absolutely! I'll get a parent meeting set up right away. I'm excited to work with you both a bit closer," Embry smiled.
"Wow! Are you stoked or what?" Edward exclaimed, clearly riding the high of everything that just happened.
"A bit nervous, to be honest. But I think I'm actually pretty excited too! I can't believe it all happened so fast!"
"Yeah, I think he's glad he won't have to postpone practices for too long or coach until someone bites at the posting. Sometimes AD's have to step in and coach and I know he's already got a lot on his plate. Since season's already started, I think it'd probably take a while to find someone had we not been interested."
"Oh he'd have to coach?"
"If he couldn't find anyone, it's the decent thing to do. I doubt he would've just ended the program for the year, he knows how much sports mean to kids." Hell, if that wasn't the truth.
"Yeah, I suppose that's true! Wow. I'm really really going to need some help with this, I think. I'm not sure I'm great with the technique training, it's been so long…"
"No worries! I can send you some videos I think are helpful. I like to study the videos and see what's the most efficient and work with that. There's an infinite amount of drills out there that we can choose from and a lot of them are conveniently on YouTube. If it's helpful, we can make a notebook of drills and you can mix and match them as the practices deem necessary? I really meant it, I'm not just going to leave you hanging here. I want you to feel confident with this!"
"Thank you, I'd really appreciate that!" she smiled. She was really going to need all the help she could get.
"We can meet tomorrow after work and plan out the parent meeting if you'd like? Maybe start looking at drills and stuff for the in-class practices."
"That'd be great, thank you!"
"Thank you for agreeing to do this! I know this is a bit out of your comfort zone, but I really do appreciate it."
"It is… but if I'm being honest, it's nice to have something outside of work to look forward to!" she said honestly.
"Not much of a partier then, huh?" Edward questioned. He said it as a joke but he was also trying to gently pry into her private life, just a little bit. She rarely brought up much about her life outside of work and he really was interested in getting to know her.
"Oh, no! Not at all!" she laughed, shaking her head. "I am not fond of parties. I like small get togethers with people I know but parties are too stressful and usually people are drunk and you end up having to babysit someone… Or you only know one person there and when that happens, I end up just clinging to that person the whole night!"
"A clinger, huh?" Edward laughed, his smile wide. He was trying not to picture her clinging onto his arm at a party.
"Yeah, I panic if there's too many people I don't know so I just follow around the one person I do know the whole time. I'm not exactly great at asserting myself and meeting new people."
"You were assertive when you met me! Even invited me to lunch!" he smirked.
"Those moments are few and far between, Mr. Cullen. Consider yourself privileged to have experienced such a rare behavior from me!" The way she said his name made his chest swell.
"Privileged, indeed!" he flashed his iconic crooked grin her way. It had already captured the hearts of many young students.
"So, what about you? Are you a partying kind of guy?"
"Oh, not at all. I definitely went to parties with my roommates in college and dabbled a bit in high school but I never really enjoyed it much. I agree with your drinking comment. I was usually the designated driver and babysitting drunk people isn't exactly my favorite pastime. I did get some interesting stories out of it though!"
"Interesting stories, huh? Do I want to know?" she asked, raising her left eyebrow.
"Hah! They're not that terrible… The worst one was where I was with a group of friends and we were walking back to our apartment when they got the grand idea to hop the fence and go for a swim in the complex's pool. Well… One of my friends slipped on his way over the fence and ended up impaling himself on the metal fence post. We all panicked and I drove him to the hospital, because we stupidly helped pull him off, and he lucked out with only a few stitches and a fun story."
"Oh my god! Impaled?!"
"Yeah, missed some vital organs by about an inch or something like that."
"Oh my god! How lucky!"
"Yeah, none of us could believe it. The whole way to the hospital we were completely panicked, and he was fine. He was even joking with us on the way there. The alcohol may have had a bit to do with that though. Do you have any crazy college stories?"
"I don't, actually. I decided to commute to save some money and I went to a junior college before transferring so I didn't really make a ton of memories."
"Oh, really? You didn't take on the full college experience then!" he joked. Bella smiled but it struck a bit of a nerve. She was never very social so she never really wanted to live in the dorms. She'd heard stories about all of it and she honestly wanted to avoid it. If she were being honest with herself, living with a total stranger terrified her. What if she didn't like them? What if they didn't like her? She didn't like the idea of having to deal with someone else who was particular about how dinner was made or dishes were put away. What if she was the one demanding how things were done? She didn't want to turn into her mother. What if her roommates were creeps and invited boys over all the time? What if one of them made her feel uncomfortable? What if they couldn't take a hint and….. There were a lot of thoughts and reasons behind why she stayed home. She may not have had a typical college experience but she wasn't there to party and make friends. She was there to learn and graduate. She made a choice that she was comfortable with.
"Bella?" Bella's eyes snapped back up to Edward's. She hadn't realized she'd been zoning out.
"Sorry, yeah. It just never really seemed like my thing. I've always been an 84-year-old woman stuck in the body of a kid," she smiled big, her eyes feeling dull but she tried to sell it. Edward sensed the shift and could almost feel the wall rising back up in front of her.
"Honestly, it wasn't really my thing either. It was fun every once in a while, and I met some cool people but I was never into the partying and all that. There were times when my roommates would have sex with their doors open and you'd have to walk by it to get to your room and it was loud and… ugh. Just… really awkward… Anyway, sorry. That took a bit of a turn," he chuckled awkwardly. He didn't mean to make it weird. The shift in her mood had surprised him and he'd started to word vomit. She'd finally started to open up a little bit and he felt like he'd just ruined it.
"Yeesh, that's really awkward!" she said, making a face. She internally bristled slightly at the ease in which he seemed to be able to discuss sex. This was a topic that she really liked to keep private. She wasn't proud of her sex life and she really didn't like the idea of other people knowing anything about it.
"Yeah, it happened way too regularly for my liking!" he chuckled, trying to keep it light. Her mood shift was throwing him through a loop. "So, you don't like parties. What do you do with your free time?" he asked trying to change the subject back to something safe.
"I don't know, I guess I like to read and listen to music? Sometimes I go on hikes... Sometimes I watch Mike play video games. I guess I don't really do a whole lot outside of work." She laughed. Internally she was trying to think of the last time she did anything actually fun.
"Oh man, I love hiking! Do you have any favorite trails around here?"
"I don't know what any of them are called, Mike usually picks where we go, but there's one by the ocean that's really pretty. You hike up to this peak and on one side you get a great view of the mountains and the other side you get a great view of the ocean. I think that one's my go to. It's only about 3-4 miles or so," she smiled. It really was a beautiful hike. Even if it was foggy, it was a good workout and it was a beautiful area. If she was feeling a bit lazy, she could always walk the bluffs, which were flat.
"That sounds cool! Do you hike often?"
"Not as much anymore but I do love it! What about you? Any favorite hiking spots?"
"There's a couple about an hour south of here that I really like! One of them is pretty steep incline the majority of the hike and that part sucks but once you get to the top you can see so far out and it's just so worth it!"
"That sounds really nice!" Bella smiled. She noticed her phone had started buzzing. She hadn't responded to Mike since lunch and he was starting to blow up her phone.
"It is! You should do that one! I think you'll like it! Maybe you, me, and Jess could go sometime! Teacher's trip!"
"Yeah! That sounds fun! We totally should!" She hadn't hung out with Jessica outside of work in a while and she'd probably enjoy a hike. She could feel herself getting excited about it and it hadn't even been planned yet. 'Don't get your hopes up, Swan. It'll probably fall through,' she tried to tell herself. She sent Mike a quick text telling him she'd be late and she'd let him know when he could come over.
"Anyway, I don't want to keep you longer than I already have. I can't believe it's somehow 6 o'clock already! Wow! I'm so sorry!"
"No, this was really fun! Thank you for nudging me into the coaching thing. I'm actually pretty excited!" she gushed, a little embarrassed.
"Oh my gosh! No, thank you so much for agreeing to this madness. Do you still want to meet up after work tomorrow to go over the parent meeting? I promise I won't keep you as late as I did tonight!"
"Yeah, I'd love to! I definitely want to go into that meeting prepared." She honestly hadn't even noticed the time flying by and they'd been talking for almost 2 hours!
"Oh, don't you worry! Prepared, we will be!"
"Excellent!" she laughed.
"So you and Edward will be coaching the swim team?" Mike asked, a small, fake smile plastered on his face.
"Yeah, I know it's kind of spontaneous, but it just sounded really fun. I miss swim a lot and this will give me a chance to get back into it a bit. The more I think about it, the more excited I get!"
"That's exciting! I can come to your meets sometimes and help if you want?" Bella felt momentarily disenchanted but shook it off because Mike wasn't upset, he was actually offering to help. This was a good thing.
"Yeah! I can let you know when the meets are when I find out."
"Okay, great!" Mike smiled. "So should I be worried about this Edward guy? You seem to be hanging out with him a lot," Mike asked, trying to sound casual. Bella rolled her eyes. This was probably why he was offering help, so he could keep an eye on her.
"Mike… You know that's ridiculous. We work together and we're in the same department. I'm just making friends." Bella couldn't help but get irritated. "You know I'd never cheat."
"I know, I just don't trust other guys!"
"That means you don't trust me either… If you think other guys are going to hit on me and steal me away, that means you don't trust me to tell them to get lost. It's actually pretty insulting." She had no idea where this confidence and assertiveness was coming from. Usually, she'd just tell him she loved him and that he didn't need to worry about it but this was really starting to annoy her. She couldn't even be friends with a male coworker without him spiraling. Mike stared at her for a second, momentarily surprised.
"Baby, no. I don't mean it like that…"
"But you do. What about with Jake? I can't even text him without you getting mad."
"Not this again. I told you already. He likes you, Bella! He's trying to get with you!"
"He has not once… Not ONCE… tried to hit on me or flirt with me. He even stopped talking to me when you got mad and told him to back off. Even if somehow he does like me, he's been nothing but respectful and you just can't get over it!"
"Why does this always have to turn into Jake? Why do you want to talk to him so badly?"
"It doesn't always turn into Jake. He's my friend and I like talking to him, just like I like talking to Jessica and Edward. I feel like you're telling me who I can or can't talk to and I don't like it!" She could feel herself taking it too far but he had popped her happy bubble and it was starting to spill out. She felt her face hot with anger and her body was getting warm with rage. She didn't usually have outbursts like this but she'd had such a good day and he was starting to ruin it.
"I'm not telling you who you can or can't talk to! What the heck? I just afraid you'll leave me," he stated, tears forming in his eyes. He moved over and gave her a hug, burying his head in her shoulder and Bella internally cringed. This would happen sometimes when she felt bold enough to make a point and he would start to cry or get angry. Usually, he'd cry if he didn't really see a way out of the conversation and he wanted her to stop talking about it. Bella sighed. Her anger was still present, and she knew he was starting to get overdramatic to shut her up but she didn't want to be heartless, so she swallowed back her anger and took a deep breath.
"I'm not going to leave you," she patted his back. "I just don't like when you get jealous."
"I know, I'm sorry," he sobbed.
"It's okay, I'm sorry I got so worked up about it."
"I love you so much," he said into her shoulder, squeezing her tighter. Bella paused a second. She didn't want to say it back. She didn't even want him touching her right now but she didn't want him to know that. They'd been together for 4 years, this was normal, right? Couples would go through this kind of thing where they were just tired and didn't really want to be intimate. That's all this was… She still loved him… She was just tired of saying it 300 times a day.
"I love you too," she said quietly. She didn't want to get into another fight about not wanting to say it all the time. Mike started kissing her neck and it surprised her and she accidentally cringed externally. Mike stopped and looked at her, hurt.
"How come you never like when I touch you anymore?" he asked, tears still present in his eyes.
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"Come on, Bella. You push me away whenever I try to kiss you or hug you lately and you're like never turned on anymore." Damn, he had noticed… She'd at least made it a couple years before he brought it up.
"I…I don't know, I'm just really tired and you know I'm not a fan of PDA." He stared at her, searching for something.
"But even at home you don't always want to like cuddle and stuff." Bella didn't have a good answer for this. She had felt cringey lately every time he would hug or kiss her and she pretty much never let him hold her hand but she just attributed it to being tired or not liking PDA.
"I don't know, I'm just tired I guess…"
***"But you're going to start coaching soon and you'll be even more tired once you start that," he argued. "We're never going to have time to hang out or fuck anymore." This made Bella cringe again but she tried really hard to keep it internal.
"We will… it just won't be as often."
"It's not often now!"
"It's like once a week or every other week now! Is that not often enough?"
"Not always!"
"Pretty consistently though…"
"Well can we tonight? Since you'll be starting coaching, it'll be less often… Come on, Babe, please?" he pouted. When he stuck his bottom lip out, she couldn't help but think back to Edward and how she didn't want to taste Mike's lips right now.
"I don't know, it's already 8 and I have work tomorrow…"
"Please? Come on, Babe… You haven't wanted to in so long…" And she still didn't want to but he wasn't going to stop asking until she said yes or they got into a fight about this too. She sighed.
"Okay…" she said quietly, not looking at him. He jumped up and dragged her to her room. Again, she couldn't help but remember Edward dragging her to the AD's office this afternoon and how that was a happy memory and how she almost wished it could be him dragging her into her room instead. Suddenly she balked. Where the hell did that come from? She felt disrespectful just thinking about him that way. Less so disrespectful toward Mike, because she knew he pictured other girls sometimes, and more so of the fact that Edward was her friend and not her romantic partner. She shouldn't be picturing him like that. She felt like such a creep.
"So I really really want to try anal. Can we do that? Please? Tom said it was so good!" Bella suddenly snapped back to reality. No. No fucking way was she trying anal.
"No, I really don't want to do that, Mike. I feel like that'd hurt really bad."
"I promise I'll stop if you hate it! Tom said his girlfriend thought she was going to hate it but ended up really liking it!" His mind was already made up… she could feel it. She was also feeling a little guilty for getting so upset earlier and making him feel like she didn't want him…And maybe a little guilty for having thought of Edward in a sexual way. She thought this would be her way of apologizing. She'd do something he wanted to do.
"….If I say stop, you'll stop? You promise?"
"Yeah! I swear!" he started pulling out a bottle of lube from his pocket. He'd already prepared for this. "We'll start super slow!" He started undressing himself, his eyes watching Bella hungrily. Bella slowly started to undress herself, nervous about what was about to happen. By the time he'd pulled off his pants, he was semi-hard and he pulled Bella's hand to himself to have her start pumping him. He moved his hand to her clit and started rubbing. This took Bella by surprise as he rarely ever gave her any amount of foreplay before…or during…or after they had sex. To be honest, the only time he gave her any kind of foreplay, it only lasted about a minute. If it lasted any longer than that, it usually meant he wanted to do something less appealing after. Sometimes he had her touch herself because he said it turned him on watching her but she was always really uncomfortable being on display like that. She'd never actually orgasmed with him and he always said it was because she was too high strung and wouldn't 'let loose.'
"Alright, turn around. I'm going to put on a bunch of lube so it'll go in easier." Bella nodded silently and carefully turned around. She was sitting on her heels and he pulled her up off of them a bit so he could enter her. He wasn't lying, he really had put on a lot of lube… but as soon as he started trying to go in, it started to hurt and she hissed in pain, unconsciously moving away but he held her in place. "It's going to hurt when I first go in but once it sits in there for a second, you'll get used to it!" he encouraged. Bella's heart was beating fast and she nodded. He slowly pushed more into her and she felt another stab of pain. He wasn't necessarily big but he wasn't small either. "Oh fuck, just sitting in here feels so good, you're so fucking tight," he said blissfully, pushing a little more into her. Bella was not enjoying it nearly as much. Once he was all the way in, he sat in her for about a minute to 'allow her to adjust.' When he started to pull out, she thought he'd be going back in with a similar speed to when he started but instead he pushed into her harder than she was prepared for and the searing pain had her crying out.
"Oh yeah, Baby. Fuck," he murmured. Bella realized he'd misinterpreted her pain as pleasure and he was pulling out a bit faster than the first time. Before she had a chance to say anything, he was pushing back in and she'd cried out again. This time she pulled away from a little bit.
"Mike, it hurts. I don't like this," she said, wincing and slightly breathless.
"Ugh it feels so fucking good. Just a few more, please? I promise I'll stop in just a minute. It feels so fucking good." Bella kept quiet. She really wanted him to stop because it was really painful but maybe if he went for a little bit longer, he wouldn't complain about it later and her guilt would go away. He pumped a few more times, each time more painful than the last, before Bella finally begged for him to stop.
"Ow. Mike, please? I'll let you fuck me any other way. Please, this hurts so much," she begged.
"Okay, thanks for being willing to try it! Maybe if we do it enough, you'll get used to it and it'll feel good?" Bella bit her tongue for now. 'If we do it enough, you'll get used to it?!' She was definitely planning on never doing this again in her life if she could help it. Mike grabbed a fresh condom and entered her from behind. She was just happy he'd stopped the anal so was playing up how much she was enjoying the sex and was even pushing back into him. She was still in a bit of pain but wanted to show that she enjoyed this type of sex much better than anal so she tried to be more animated than she felt.
"Ugh, harder," she moaned. She was hoping he'd go really hard and come so they could be done.
"Fuck," he whispered, slamming into her harder. Even with the lingering pain, Bella had to admit this was feeling pretty good. She was starting to actually get turned on but she wanted to end it because she knew it'd only leave her frustrated if she got too into it. Sometimes he'd stop cold turkey after coming and he'd just leave her there while he went to find food. No cuddling or touching after and sometimes she'd be so frustrated it was debilitating.
He grabbed her hips and started really slamming into her. The new position he was in was hitting her harder than it was before but not in a good way. She could tell he was close though so she moaned louder and bit back the pain.
"Ugh FUCK" he yelled, finishing inside her. The condom was still on but it always made her a little nervous when he did that. She wasn't on birth control because she was nervous to use it. She knew it helped regulate hormones and helped prevent unwanted births and all that but the fact that it could change her mood and her body made her wary of it. She'd had some body issues in the past and she was really concerned it would resurface if she took it.
This time, they cleaned up in the bathroom together. Mike caught her staring at her body in the mirror and slapped her ass. "You're fucking hot, Babe!" he winked. She gave him a small smile.
***$$$"I need to work on my abs a bit, I think," she laughed insecurely.
"We can both workout! I need to work on my abs too! I need to keep em tight so I don't break my back when I'm moving boxes at the store. I think we have a pretty similar body type! We can do it together!" Bella's eyes snapped back to her own body. She'd always thought Mike was a little pudgy. Not necessarily overweight, but he had a little extra cushion and she never minded it but she'd always thought she was a little more in shape than he was and when he said that, it brought back a feeling she hadn't felt in several years. She started staring at her body, slowly starting to scrutinize every part of herself that had some squish to it. She'd never fully thought of herself as anorexic before but in high school she definitely went through some anorexic tendencies. It got to the point that when she was a freshmen, she'd started making healthy meals for her family because she'd noticed she'd started gaining weight and was becoming the heavier of a couple of her friends. It started light but ended up where she would eat 100 calories for breakfast, go to school, skip lunch, go to her friends house, and workout until the elliptical told her she'd burned at least 300 calories, go home, and eat a 200-300 calorie dinner. She'd ended up losing 15 pounds in about a month. Once she joined swim, she tried to maintain the same calorie intake but quickly realized that was impossible when she passed out on the stairs at school. Luckily it was during class, she'd asked her teacher if she could run to her locker to grab a book and on her way back, she noticed the stairs had some black patches in them and suddenly she couldn't see the step she needed her foot to hit and then she blacked out. She found herself on the ground a few moments later, another freshman she didn't know walked by and gave her a confused look and she quickly brushed it off to her clumsiness and ran back to class.
Swim had really helped her get past that time in her life. She was working out so much, she needed more calories to help her improve and though she tried to keep eating small amounts, her body needed more. She realized her friends on the team would eat pretty much anything in sight and it looked like they wouldn't gain an ounce and slowly she started to get more comfortable with eating again to the point that she'd eat about 6 solid meals a day while swimming. She'd gained weight back but she was fit. She'd toned down how much she was eating once she'd stopped working out as much but she wasn't worried about calories and fat content as much anymore. High school was the last real time she'd felt that feeling of self-hatred toward her body. Occasionally if she'd miss a meal, that feeling would come back and she'd have the urge to skip more meals, but she'd usually been good about grabbing something to eat before the hunger levels got too high. That was where it would become a problem. If she felt really really hungry, it would make her feel skinny and then that would make her remember how squishy her stomach was and then she'd yearn for that hungry feeling to stay so she'd stop eating. It could end up as a vicious cycle.
Staring at herself now, she noticed all the little squishy pockets that weren't there a few years ago. Her legs had lost muscle tone and her stomach was no longer outlined with a hint of abs. She could feel her stomach wasn't as flat as it used to be and that feeling alone disgusted her. She had no issue with other people's body types but through years of living with her overbearing mother, she'd developed a bit of a perfectionist personality. It was also something she could control without her mother's input. No one in her family noticed when she'd lost weight or that she wasn't eating as much during her freshman year, so it was a way for her to feel like she had control of something.
"I'm gonna grab some food, you want anything?"
"No, I'm good. Thanks though," she replied quietly, quickly pulling her clothes back on so she wasn't able to look at herself. She needed a second to herself.
'I'm not fat,' she thought to herself. 'I could definitely workout some more to feel better, but I don't need to lose weight. Just tone up.' She was desperately trying to convince herself out of the feelings she could feel were trying to resurface. 'You should eat something before this gets out of control,' she told herself. 'Or should you start a diet now so that you can lose some weight? No better time than now to start something new.' She ran her hands through her long hair before quickly walking to the kitchen and grabbing an apple off the counter. She'd have the best of both worlds. Something healthy and something that'd make her feel less hungry.
"I thought you said you weren't hungry?" Mike asked, his mouth full and a plate of leftovers in front of him.
"I changed my mind," she mumbled.