Hmmm...part tres!
Jew,
I hate you. I really hate you. I hate you with every single cell in my body. I hate looking at you. I hate your damned red curls. I hate your eyes. I hate your hat. I hate your reading glasses. I hate your Jewish blood. I hate your Jewish mother. I hate your Canadian brother. I hate that your dad always wears that little beanie.
I hate you, but I still called you my friend.
I'll never understand why. You hated me just as much as I hated you. I called you Jew. You called me fat. I said you had no soul. You said I was Hitler's reincarnation. I made fun of your mother, and you made fun of mine. We seemed to exist to piss each other off. Personally, I relished in it. I think it was one of the only things that made me happy, seeing your face turn the color of your daywalker hair and you shaking with rage. It made me laugh. But, Kyle, not everyone who laughs on the outside is laughing on the inside.
My biggest rip on you was that you were Jewish. I always said the worst things about your faith and your people. I laughed at the Holocaust. I dressed up like Hitler for Halloween. I twisted the message of Mel Gibson's The Passion. I convinced a bunch of people to march through the streets screaming for the extermination of the Jews in German. It was all to piss you off.
Before I met you I didn't hate Jews. I really didn't know what they were, of course. You moved here when we were only three. But even at three it is possible to hate a certain breed of people. I hated hippies then. But I didn't hate Jews. I have something to confess. I still don't hate Jews. I just hate you. It was you that made me start on my Jew bashing spree. I don't know if I would have acted that way if it hadn't been for you. If I had met some other Jew, would I have been tolerant of them? I can just hear your response. No, Cartman would never be tolerant of Jews. He isn't tolerant of anyone. He makes fun of Token for being black. He makes fun of Kenny for being poor, Pip for being British, even that French Mole kid from the war. Cartman doesn't like people who are different. That's not necessarily true, Kyle. I liked Chef. Chef is black. Terrance and Phillip are Canadians, and I've always thought they were funny. I got myself electrocuted saving them once for fuck's sake. No, I just said things that other people were thinking. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is a racist. It's just that not everyone admits to it.
So what was it about you that made me hate you so much? I really don't know. I just know that I wasn't bothered by a lot of things until you moved here. Nobody made fun of me for being fat before you. No one called me dumbass or said my mom was a whore. It was you who started it. I don't know why you started on it. Was it really me who said something first and you just retaliated? I can't remember. We were too little.
I hate you, Kyle, but then again I don't. Do you remember a long time ago way back in the fourth grade when you invited Butters to Casa Bonita instead of me? I got mad and jealous. I was jealous. You invited Stan and Kenny. That was a given, especially Stan. But then I should have been the fourth person to go. But you chose Butters. Butters. I remember being so pissed. I told you to fuck off. But I told you that a lot, so that wasn't anything new. Before I convinced Butters that a meteor was about to hit the planet, I told you something. I said that we had been through a lot together. It might not have made us friends, but it made us something. I stand by that, Kyle. We haven't considered each other true friends since…well, since ever. But we have been through a lot together. I don't know what that makes us. But whatever it is, it is something.
I told Stan that I was jealous of the friendship he has with you. It's the truth. You guys are lucky. I think it's one of my biggest regrets not having something like that, definitely in the top two. I could say it's not fair, but I know that you'd just point out that I never tried. I was an asshole and never put up the effort that having such a relationship requires. That's true. I never did try, and it is my fault.
I know that you'll be the happiest to hear the news that I'm dead. You hate me. You've always wanted me gone. You'll be glad. If you go to my funeral, you'll laugh. You might do a little jig on my grave. You'll sing your Jewish praises to God that I'm gone and will never bother you with my anti-Semitic bullshit again. You won't miss me. Go ahead. I won't care. I won't miss you either.
That's a lie. I will miss you. I don't know why, but I will. I will as I sit in my own little corner of Hell. That's where you'll hope I am.
I'll never get the chance to tell you again, so here it is. I hate you, Kyle. I hate you. Fuck off, Jew.
Later, man.
Cartman
Gah, this one was short. Review please!