I know I shouldn't be writing to you still. After all, it's been so long. But somehow, I can't let go. I'd like to say that I don't love you anymore, but I'm not entirely certain. Because I still think of you, almost everyday. Not intentionally. Your memory slips into my thoughts when I least expect. And for a moment, I forget to breathe.
Because I still love you. It's been forever since you left me, but I'm missing you a little more each day. You could always make me laugh, even right after you'd make me cry. You were the missing part of my soul, and I will never forgive you for abandoning me.
I hate you, you know. I despise you with everything I am. I hate the way you make me feel. Like my mind and heart are being pulled in two opposite directions. I feel lightheaded, as though the ground has disappeared beneath my feet. My heart is missing, in its place a cold abyss. But I've never felt so complete. I'm flying and falling at the same time. I hate it. But like the most addictive drug, I crave the blissful hell you bring me.
Still . . . Why can't you just let me be? Why do you haunt me like this? In this world I know you're far, but I can sense your presence, hear your voice, feel your touch. Sometimes I whisper to your ghost, please, please, just go away. And they think I'm crazy, talking to myself like that. Maybe they're right. Maybe I am crazy.
Maybe I belong here in this white room, talking to you, writing you letters. Maybe this is good for me. Maybe these little blue pills will help. Maybe I should start taking them again. Except when I do, you leave me. And I feel lonely.
So lonely.