Recklessness
"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody." - Mark Twain
I hear a humming inside me. That long, lingering sound, stuck between my ears and lodged somewhere deep in my brain... It clawed, it whispered strange words, it annoyed, it howled and screamed. But only sometimes. When I listen to him and pay attention - in these moments everything happens as if in slow motion.
Someone's hands fluttered from side to side, picturing that fateful flying Quaffle into the opposing team's goal, then mouths opening in bursts of laughter, dancing from across the living room to what seemed to be a Muggle song that James had dragged in. All of Gryffindor had gathered here to celebrate their victory, and it was already nighttime, but no one was going to disperse. I was sitting in the far corner of the hall.
If only I could take a book with me as a life raft. Or maybe just that all life rafts were equipped with books. Then I wouldn't be getting worked up sitting in a corner at a party where I was supposed to be having fun. Well. I did a great job of delivering at least a small amount of alcohol straight to my body. All my days were like a dialogue with myself. And the books were sharing their opinions.
My concentration intensifies, and the sound becomes louder. My jaw was closing, a kind of danger began to boil inside me, and then the vibration only got worse, passing through me, through my whole body... Everything mixed in my head - panic, anxiety, emptiness. The emptiness in which I sometimes get stuck, like a drowned man in Black Lake, with only one chance to escape before the mermaids dragged me to the bottom.
My salvation was now sitting somewhere upstairs, in the room across from ours where the birpong tournament was taking place. When I drowned out that vibe, feeling free under the influence of alcohol, the emotional burnout came to naught, not so much physically, but...
It could go on for hours. It lasted for days once, but I didn't tell any of the guys about it, even when I got my control back. The wolf tears outward near the full moon, but it takes me a while between cycles to recover, to feel like... me again.
I don't know what to call it, maybe I'm losing my mind. And it scares the hell out of me, because I have to hang on better than the others. After all, they sacrificed their lives for me, becoming the ones who could guard my identity under the light of the moon. And I became their support here at school. Honestly, I've never told this to anyone but her...
"Fuck self-pity, Remus. Less worthless reflexes and more wolfish reflexes," Lily almost shouted in my ear as she handed me the glass of water she'd left for twenty minutes ago.
Sometimes I look so deep inside myself that I can kill time there that I spend alone. Contrary to popular belief, Marauders are not always together. There are days when we want to be away from each other.
"Yes, thank you," I took the glass and drained it down, splashing the rest in my face.
The party was now in its fourth hour, and everyone had moved from the makeshift dance floor to the couches in front of the huge fireplace. A group of high school students gossiped about the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and principal.
"Have you seen what he's wearing? My house elves are better dressed than that," Marlene laughed, to which no one objected.
"Dumbledore seems like a good-natured uncle godfather who might give you points, but will also drop a half-day job or someone else's child under your door. You never know what to expect from him."
"Apparently Trelawney wasn't enough," Amelia Bones muttered. And it was hard not to agree with her.
"He won't be here for another year anyway. There's a rumor that the Ministry wants him out," the boy whose voice Remus couldn't identify reminded them.
"I can't imagine anyone else running the school. We're gonna be up to our necks in shit!" - Marlene was the loudest one. - "What can they teach us?"
Rumors about Dumbledore have been around for a long time, but it is said that the reason was Grindelwald's testimony right out of prison, and his words still came into question. Still, since taking over as head of Hogwarts it was Dumbledore who carefully selected teachers for the position, completely abolished corporal punishment and was always aware of the news of the school, taking an interest in the lives of students. Remus respected him and was grateful for the gesture of support he received from him.
"I bet any girl in this living room would pass her Potions exam just by smiling or winking at Slughorn," one of the guys chuckled. The glasses in their hands were already half-empty, but the mood was off the charts, because the Halloween party had to be rescheduled and combined with winning the game.
Lily Evans was someone who didn't care about other people's expensive suits, or the strange looks in the direction of some students, or the supposedly casual drinking and loitering in the halls of Slughorn. She sat down on the floor in front of me, cross-legged, and leaned her back against the chair. We hadn't spoken to her in days, though neither of us had kept this friendship a secret. Lily was the one who understood me right away, who didn't reproach me, who didn't tease me, and who could put me down with one sharp word. I decided to share my observations with her.
"You did it," I said simply, alluding to their relationship with James.
"Well, I don't really know what you mean. He just kind of kissed me, you know. And I never let him do anything more than hug. I don't know how it happened, but..." the redhead explained grumpily.
"Wait, wait, so you just kissed?" - Remus asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise.
The redhead glared at him, standing up and plopping down in a seat beside him as the door from the room above suddenly opened with a thump.
"Lily Evans, I love you!" - the whole living room heard several times as James, with the lion mask on his head, and apparently lost in another game he'd invented, clumsily made his way down the stairs. Yesterday he had been the star of the match. That snitch, caught right in the middle of the stands, and even with his feet, was something out of bounds.
"I'm sorry," Evans muttered, and stepped out of the nook to catch Potter. - "I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?" - She tossed one last word without waiting for a reply.
I only shrugged my shoulders at her in unison, which wasn't the least bit suspicious, since we often copied each other's postures and phrases. She was part of the Marauders, though she didn't officially participate in our madness outside of school.
"Go to sleep!" - Her voice came from somewhere in the middle of the living room, kicking everyone to their beds at once. Remus moved up the stairs, slumping onto his bed with his clothes on.
"I'm glad you're with us, Moony," Peter muttered somewhere on the other side of the room, dreaming for the second time.
Hogwarts was a quiet, peaceful, peaceful place. It had always been that way here. And his friends were the ones he could count on.
There were nights when he wanted to get away from them. To start his life with a clean slate. Outside of Hogwarts. Again. To keep himself, but to become something new, with a new purpose and purpose in life. But the truth was that no one needed him outside those boundaries. That he desperately needed to quell that inner feeling that the boys were beating the hell out of him, because he would always remain a Marauder. Until the day he dies. They could never escape their past selves.
There were footsteps in the hallway at night. Again and again. Such an impatient march, tapping out in time with the quiet drumming in his head. If it hadn't been for his insomnia, he wouldn't have been paying attention. But Remus dangled his feet off the bed, still feeling dizzy, got up, and walked quietly out of the room.
Sleep was not something mandatory or special for him, and it had been that way since he was a teenager. He seemed perpetually awake. He wished all those fears would go away, but thanks to his friends, he'd only conquered some of them so far. Some still remained. Always lingering a little farther away, but never really leaving.
The girl standing downstairs in the living room was dressed in a soft white sweater and swayed from side to side. That's funny. Is this how she fuels rumors about being a ghost? If any of those jerks came out to see what was going on, they'd wake up the whole Tower with their frightened screams. Remus descended cautiously.
Her eyes were closed. It was like she wasn't... here. Or she wasn't from here. The cold touch on her shoulder sobered the girl. She turned and stared into his brown eyes.
"Two nights..." Remus began, but she interrupted him.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I know I'm keeping you awake, you can hear how..." The girl broke off abruptly. She smacked her hand across her forehead. She smiled. And continued her silence.
"You don't sleep at all? Maybe we should go to Hospital Wing". - the boy suggested. He tried to be more... delicate with her in his choice of phrases, realizing that the girl had come out of nowhere, into nowhere, talking to no one and communicating with no one but the Marauders. And even then, she'd only exchanged a few phrases.
Yesterday in the library he had caught her sitting in the far corner where he usually studied himself, but he had not interrupted her thought process, noting to himself that he would find another place of solitude. And noticing a happy Gryffindor couple at the table across from her chosen row. One of them certainly hadn't come here to flip through their books.
"Is there something I can help you with?" - Remus voiced his suggestion again, watching as the girl moved something in her fingers. A strange object of some kind.
"No, it's okay. I just need some time," she assured him. - "Go back to sleep, thank you. I'm fine."
There were times when they were all lonely. Remus noticed that. At least, he felt it more keenly than the others. None of them denied it, but it didn't matter if they were in a crowd, at a Quidditch match, or in someone else's company. The situations were getting more complicated every year. It was as if something was coming. Something that none of them could have predicted. And Hermione had become something of a sign - that's what he thought of her. And today he felt the same way.
But today her loneliness looked different. Today he decided to wonder why, after all, she felt this way. In every way possible, his mind tried to break through her defenses, but her heart was against opening up to him. For now.
He wouldn't want to go along with his emotions. And he understood that her situation was much more complicated and ambiguous, but still Remus would persist in pursuing her friendship. Her eyes screamed out that she wasn't used to feeling alone. That was the reason. She looked so... miserable. But tonight, Remus decided to free himself from his shackles and think. To put together all the looks heard in the distant corridors, the libraries, the chambers of words. And come to a conclusion, forming a plan. Funny how each of the Marauders always formed a plan in his head. But first he would have to get the map from Sirius.
He felt deeply that it wouldn't take him long to get answers. And he turned out to be right. Hermione held out her hand and handed him the book he hesitated to ask himself. Well, that was better than nothing.
He didn't seem to be needed here anymore, and sitting around for the second night in a row, watching for a girl to do something to herself, didn't seem like a good idea. Remus went back into the room, and only then did he notice Sirius' absence.
Black escapes for the second night in a row, pretending no one notices. Total jerk.
The arrival of the moon felt to Remus like acid in his veins, tugging and burning hotly. Some months it seemed more real than others. Now he could hear the blood pulsing through his body, through the bodies of his friends in the room, insistently, like a drum.
They'd be dead. All of them. And it would have been his fault. That was the kind of dream he sometimes had. So Remus couldn't sleep, perhaps for fear of killing his own friends.
He wasn't angry at himself, but sometimes he rubbed his knuckles bloodily against the wall beside him to keep his eyes open. The pain dulled everything.
One day he'll wake up and realize this is how his childhood ends.
Remus gritted his teeth and looked down into the shimmering silence of the window, which reminded him of the decision of where he would go after graduation. It was the right decision. He would still talk to the Marauders about it. Most of the night passed in thought until the first rays of light illuminated the room and an angry Sirius flew in. There was an air of resentment from him, mixed with something strange. Something he tried to ignore. But Remus wouldn't be a friend if he didn't discuss it with him. Later.
Now he reached for a glass of water, taking a long sip.
Twenty-seven more nights.
His hands slowly removed the old shirt, replacing it with a clean one. He managed to catch a glimpse of how the entire right side of his stomach still gave off an ugly bluish-purple hue. He no longer felt any physical pain, but it was not a pretty sight. It was a gift from last night's foray, when he'd run into someone in the woods. Remus remembered the events poorly, but he definitely captured the faces of his jerks frantically wiping the blood off him and using Dittany for some reason.
The shirt was covered with an insulated vest, and my hand reached for my tie, which was quickly in its proper place. The pants, ironed with a spell, had to be changed, too. Face... Remus didn't like going to the bathroom just because he inadvertently noticed his reflection. He still wasn't used to the scars that covered most of his... face. One that no one could ever look into for longer than a minute, not counting the Marauders and Lily. Now Hermione as well.
Sirius stumbled halfway out of the Tower and mumbled something unintelligible the whole way, coming up with another crazy plan. It was... so familiar. Remus checked the time, they still had time to reach the Great Hall, but they were already late for the first, most delicious meals that were flying around at the speed of light. Especially at the Gryffindor table.
He got up with a headache and a dry throat, so he chose the safest thing right now, pumpkin juice. The two figures, James and Sirius, sat in a hunched duo, discussing something vigorously, while Peter clutched the paper in his hands and flipped through the pages with trembling hands.
"Is something wrong?" Remus voiced his question.
"No, just another strange attack in the Muggle part of London. The Aurors can't explain why, but they say it has nothing to do with the release of magic. Although they were called about it," Wormtail muttered, catching Sirius' attention with those words.
James swallowed nervously.
"Is that what you've been buzzing me about since early this morning?" Prongs sounded rather indignant.
The newspaper from Peter's hands was instantly in Padfoot's possession, and the piece of the article was already a torn off isle lying right in front of him on his lap. James sighed irritably and turned demonstratively away from Lily. Of course he did. No one would believe him. Sirius was rarely believed from the first word, not even the Marauders. That was the reputation he'd earned. But Remus was going to talk about it.
He'd been thinking all day about how to get Sirius' attention after his workout at McGonagall's, and how he could hook him up with something to make him emotional. A plan flashed through his mind as he walked down the hall toward the living room to pick up his textbooks and homework that had been so carelessly left in his room. As he passed one of the offices, he heard the familiar voices of the headmaster and the night truant.
"Yes, Miss Granger, you can't go back. It is forbidden. Not only by law, but by the tenets of time."
"But I don't understand, Director. Why do you forbid me to try? Aren't all the great discoveries..."
"All great discoveries were made by adult wizards, Miss Granger. Time is beyond us. Besides, you don't want to be on the other side again."
Remus was becoming uncomfortable with the overheard but still incomprehensible conversation. So Hermione was staying at school. And it means that Dumbledore had forbidden her to look for a way out. Interesting. We'll have to tell the Marauders.
Even though they were in their seventh year, the boys were still those kids who longed for some kind of fairy tale or adventure that could turn their lives upside down. This explained their bond and eerie desire to overcome or unravel something. The only mystery this year for them was the new girl, Hermione Granger.
Lupin moved on, not daring to linger. He grabbed the first book he could find and didn't find his homework in such a short time, and returned to the classroom completely frustrated.
"Any questions?" the teacher looked around the study. "Anything unclear from the charms?"
Remus raised his hand. The professor's gaze was immediately fixed on him.
"Yes, Mr. Lupin?"
It's amazing how Hogwarts teachers remember everyone by name. He would never have been able to fit so much unnecessary and useless information into his head.
"Is there any way to strengthen these enchantments? Maybe using a Patronus?"
"That's an excellent question, Mr. Lupin. We'll discuss it at the next class, but in the meantime, hand me your parchments, and have a nice day," the teacher's plan to speak failed, he did remember the homework, after all. Judging by the disgruntled sighs around him, almost none of the Marauders were prepared for such a turn of events.
That was the end of class for today, and it was time for practice. I still hadn't talked to Sirius yet, not finding the right moment. And I still hadn't teased James about the kiss, which he said had happened a long time ago, without finding the right moment. We'll leave that for later.
"Would you throw yourself into my arms if I told you I'd figured out a way to shorten our sentence?" James started as they scrubbed the desks and floors of the office.
"Oh, James, I've wanted to tell you for so long that I want your warm arms around my body. Strong and trim, by the way. I went for a workout today, and then I went for a run this morning, like always..."
"Sirius, the nighttime forays and morning returns to the Tower to go unnoticed cannot be called jogging or training," Peter pointed out.
Oh, he wasn't the only one who noticed that about Sirius.
"Plus twenty points to Peter from Gryffindor!" Black threw a rag at him.
"Careful, I've got a date tonight - here's my chance. Come on, Remus."
"With that redhead you kissed for the first time the other day?" The two Marauders turned around at his phrase, glancing at each other at once, then throwing smirks in James's direction.
"Well, no. It was more than just a kiss. Remus, she's so..."
"Oh, I hate to hear about your kissing. Jesus, James, when did you become such a romantic? "
"The same time you pulled a dead girl from the other side of the world?" threw Prongs at him.
"Oh, you too. Ghost, yeah, right. Tell me you tried to touch her, like that jerk from Ravenclaw who thought his hand would go right through her," Padfoot sounded a little too aggressive.
Moony rolled his eyes.
"Sirius Black, has there really been a girl who's won your attention."
"Fuck off, mop the floor," he threw a rag on the floor and left them alone.
The guys just looked at each other silently, finished their work, and walked out with James following Black. He lit his own damn cigarette, as he always did, and offered a second to James, who declined. Everyone understood why - a date. No one started the conversation first.
" I didn't mean to," Sirius apologized to the Marauders, raising an eyebrow and staring ahead with a frown. "We need to talk about those muggles. From the paper. Remus, do you have the paper with you?"
Lupin reached into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled paper and waiting for his next move.
"Don't tell me anything about that. This is bullshit. What makes you think there's anything to do with this new girl? Yes, the dates and times match. But that's just coincidence," James said calculatingly, putting his hands in his pockets.
"There are no accidents, and you know that, Prongs," the Tramp reminded him of one night in Muggle London, where they'd been riding a motorcycle, getting into another story. And would remind him of it for a long time to come, just like they all did. James wanted to impress Lily then.
He only raised an eyebrow in response and sighed. Remus looked down at the two of them, picking the floor beneath his feet with his shoe and holding up what might have been a fateful piece of paper. He held it out to James.
"When you're ready, read it. And then we'll talk," Lupin said, confident that the two of them could agree. James left first, giving Remus a chance to talk to Sirius alone.
"You seem quiet today," he pointed a cigarette toward Moony without even turning around.
"Well, there's no point in discussing me now that you're here," he replied in a bored tone.
"Did I upset you? So tell me. Tell me what I said wrong again," Black looked thoughtful and annoyed again, clearly not here in his head.
I stepped closer. This time Padfoot turned and stared at me. This way I could see that he was talking to me honestly, not playing on emotion.
" I'm used to it, but Hermione...
"Hermione what? Since when is a girl present in a conversation between you and me?" Black winked at him.
"Fuck, be serious. I'm gonna give it to you straight. You're too harsh and rude. You're being a jerk to her. At the library, for instance. Who asked you to go and sort out who she was anyway, whether she came from a message from your mother or your sisters or whether it was another Regulus prank. Damn it, Black. Don't be a child, stop hovering somewhere."
He tossed the cigarette to the floor, crumpling it with his boot, and returned his gaze to Lupin.
"It's in my head," he pointed a finger right at my temple. "Right there. All the time. I... I don't know what that means."
"Oh, my friend, they call it being in love..."
"Bullshit! I'm definitely not in love with her. I've only seen her for a few minutes," he was too agitated again, like Remus was forcing him to give away those words and feelings.
"An interest, then?" Lupin suggested.
"I can feel it," his friend said in a slightly quieter voice, looking down at his feet. "It's strange, isn't it? Sometimes I think I can hear her thoughts or touch her emotions. Which even sounds like complete nonsense!" Black kicked a pebble at his foot.
Remus sighed with a smile and put a hand on his shoulder. As he always did. A gesture left between the two of them. A gesture that reassured him. There was a pause, broken by laughter and phrases from the side of the office where James and Peter were sitting, apparently rolling a game of chess, judging by the exclamations, "Peter, your turn! Check! ".
"Mate, we'll get to the bottom of this, I promise," Remus handed him the whole paper that he'd saved since this morning to study more closely. He knew that if Sirius was passionate about something, it must be important to him.
Black opened his mouth to object, but only grinned. He would have liked to tell them to stay hungry and reckless. But their recklessness bordered more on insanity than fortitude, and was now sealed in letters on this scrap of paper.