Very big trigger warnings for suicide and self-harm. Not a happy ending. Enjoy.
Damn, Hawks' apartment was a mess. Dabi took his mask off as he walked through the open balcony window. Hawks never left through the front door, and so it was easier to get in from fire escape that was damaged and not used anymore. Simple, fast and easy. Usually the place was spotless. Like he didn't even live there. It was always a reminder that Hawks was so busy he didn't spend much time at home. Or have much personality.
But this was odd. His clothes were thrown all over the place. He picked at his clothes and could tell they were all dirty. Wrinkled completely in wads. He headed to the bathroom and saw his products were all over the place. His bed was unmade, his laptop half closed. Dabi wouldn't admit it, but he was getting a bad feeling.
Heading into his bathroom further, he searched around before he found two small razors underneath his soap bottle. They were in a tiny bag, to keep them from getting wet. Dabi's face turned dark. Then he headed down the hallway and to the separated kitchen. He'd cooked there before, taking advantage of the nice kitchen while Hawks was out all day.
There was literally nothing in the fridge but bottles and cans of alcohol. Dabi closed it and went to the dining room, which just had a small, circular, wooden table with one chair, as Hawks rarely had company when he wanted. Dabi only showed up whenever he wanted. He was hard to keep out, so Hawks gave up on trying to keep him gone.
The table had a bottle of narcotics and a fucking noose. A perfectly made one, just laying there. Dabi's entire body went cold, like ice was poured all over him, dripping down with a sense of anger and sadness. Was… Hawks planning on killing himself? Well, that was pretty obvious. But why? He always seemed happy, and while Dabi and the League knew it was all practiced, Dabi could never have imagined him killing himself.
He took the noose and burnt it into nothing, and then dumped all the pills down the disposal, running it to shred them to dust. He moved around and picked up all the dirty clothes, and put them in the washing machine. He wiped down the kitchen counter, and organized Hawks' bathroom. He made his bed.
He was doing this to keep busy and pass time, deeply disturbed in imagining arriving to find a dead Hawks. Either hanging or having purposely overdosed. It was horrifying to think about. He found he cared a lot about Hawks' life, or maybe just didn't want him to go in such a lame way. Though it was wrong for him to think of suicide that way when he'd once - many times - attempted it himself. But he never had succeeded, obviously.
After everything was spotless, he waited on the couch, shoulders stiff. He wasn't good with emotional talks, and he didn't know what to say to Hawks. He saw him differently now. Not so composed, and how he always hid the pain he was clearly in. It was all an act, and a good one at that.
Sure, he seemed fake and manipulative in a charming way, but Dabi never expected him to at least contemplate suicide. Or cut. He had razor blade for a reason. And he had a regular electric razor, so clearly the blades were not meant for grooming. Dabi leaned forward, his forearms resting on his thighs, hands joined together and back hunched.
He looked up when Hawks walked through his balcony door. He had bags under his eyes, but was in his hero outfit. Glancing around, he had a look of horror. "Yeah. I saw your 'preparations'." Fuck, he didn't mean to sound that mean and judgemental. Hawks ran his hands down his face, and walked right past Dabi on the couch to change out of his hero outfit in the bedroom.
Dabi followed, not trusting Hawks to be alone for one second. He was in the doorway while Hawks undressed and then put on comfortable clothes, releasing all his feathers into the sack by his bed. When he was at home, he never had his wings on due to being unable to sit on the couch or lay on his back.
"I see you cleaned my place," he said dryly, not looking at Dabi and just having a face of anger and frustration on his face. He wasn't even putting on a front.
"Yeah, it was a mess. I also got rid of your noose and drugs," Dabi said, trying hard not to sound flippant. But he was frustrated, that Hawks would even plan such a thing. If Dabi had come tomorrow morning, would he have been the one to find Hawks dead and alone? The thought was awful and bothered him.
Hawks got a beer from the fridge, and Dabi snatched it out of his hand. He didn't want Hawks getting drunk. "There are other ways. These were just the ones that wouldn't be as disturbing when discovered," he said in a bland voice. Dabi scowled and grabbed his hand.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you comit suicide, or at least try?" the pyromaniac snapped.
"It's none of your business what I do outside of work," Hawks said, yanking his wrist out of Dabi's grip. "Besides, why do you care? You know I'm a spy, don't you? That the Commission sent me to find out secrets and shit?"
Fuck, he was seriously planning on killing himself if he just outright confessed. Dabi swallowed. "Of course I knew. You're a terrible liar… clearly a good faker though." After all, Dabi had had no idea Hawks was hurting enough to want to kill himself. Hawks rubbed his hands down his face roughly again.
"Just go away," he said in a broken voice. Dabi internally winced at it.
"No. I'm not letting you kill yourself. I don't care if your a shitty traitor, I wont let you kill yourself over stupid shit-"
"Fuck off, Dabi! You don't know shit about my life outside of work!" Hawks snapped, voice full of vitriol. Dabi was kind of surprised by the outburst. And by the raw emotion behind it. Dripping with anger but also helplessness and even a hint of apathy. He just didn't care anymore. He was planning on ending it all, whatever his life was like outside of work.
Dabi wasn't sure what to do, as he was only doing the opposite of his goal. To try and get Hawks to change his mind. "Then tell me." Hawks scoffed, and walked away. His feathers came out of the room and rejoined his back. Dabi was uneasy with the fact that Hawks now had thousands of potential weapons attached to his body. "C'mon, who else would you talk to?" Dabi asked.
"I don't plan to talk to anybody." He took another beer out of the fridge. Dabi grumbled and went to take it away, but faster than he could anticipate, Hawks had one of his longest feathers out that he used as swords, and had cut Dabi across the cheek, where blood now dripped. Dabi was shocked, really. Usually Hawks never antagonized him. Because Dabi would hurt him. But he did it now, because he was just so done. Done with life, done with his job and everything. He had a challenging look on, but Dabi just stared at him, and didn't take the beer away as Hawks chugged it and then tossed the can into the sink, not even bothering to throw it into the trash.
Dabi reached out a hand to touch Hawks' shoulder, trying to show him that he wasn't mocking him, that he wasn't minimizing his pain. Wasn't trying to. Hawks smacked it away. "You leave or I'm going to shove you out of my window and make you leave." His voice was a deep growl, face tight and angry.
Walking to the couch, not planning on trying to give Hawks more physical comfort, Dabi sat down. "Look… I didn't mean to be so dismissive. I'm not good with being nice to people anymore. But I'm better to talk to about this than anyone else." Hawks scoffed. "Seriously. I've tried to kill myself six times. Each time failed spectacularly." The pro hero was silent at this. Dabi didn't see his expression, as he wasn't looking at him.
"I get wanting to end it all, okay? I get it. But you… you have this life ahead of you, all this stuff you can still do."
"I don't want to anymore," Hawks replied. "I'm so tired, okay? I'm tired of everything! I'm tried of everyone!" Dabi looked over his shoulder, and saw Hawks was crying. Dabi never realized he wore eye liner until it was dripping down his face, smudging his eyes. But he didn't think about something so stupid.
Dabi patted the couch, and Hawks sighed, but walked over. He sat on the recliner, not next to Dabi. He wasn't making eye contact with the villain, and the only person that seemed to be around to keep Hawks alive. It wasn't out of spite or stubbornness or wanting to keep using Hawks for their own gain, he was truly concerned.
"Why are you tired? What's so tiring?"
"I have to lie to everyone, okay? I have to go out there and act like I enjoy everyone fawning over me. I have to act like this always confident guy who wants to help everyone and use my quirk for 'good'. I'm tired of coming home to be berated nightly by the people who 'raised me' because I didn't do something good enough. I'm tired of the Commission, and the heroes, and the citizens, and you guys." Dabi didn't linger on how much it kind of felt like a slap to the face. Hawks acted like he enjoyed hanging out with them, even when none of them gave any truly useful or inside information.
But it was sounding like every part of Hawks was fabricated and a lie. "Then why don't you leave? You can literally fly anywhere you want. You could just disappear and nobody could follow you-"
"You think I wouldn't have done that already if I could?" Hawks said incredulously. Dabi didn't reply, hoping for him to elaborate. "I'll get electrocuted if I try to leave Japan. Then I'll get dragged back and tortured until I swear I won't do it again, until I'm scared of more pain and just do what they want."
Dabi had no idea that Hawks was so abused. Torture? And he had a leash on him. So he had no option to run away. "What causes it?"
"Causes what?" Hawks asked, sounding exhausted.
"What causes the electrocution?" Hawks rolled up his baggy sleeve and showed a patch of skin that looked smooth and unblemished. "It's something in your arm?"
"I've tried digging it out, I've tried to destroy it, but it wont go away. Dabi, I have no other option to escape. Don't you get that? The only option is to just end it fast, and hopefully painlessly." He was trying to convince Dabi that suicide was the right choice. "But you got rid of my two fastest and cleanest options."
Dabi didn't know what to say. He sighed, and stood up. Hawks was shocked when he knelt in front of him and hugged him. The miserable man was stiff and didn't know what to do. Dabi rubbed circles in his scalp, through the hair. It was clear he hadn't showered in at least a few days. His hair was a bit greasy.
He gave him physical comfort until Hawks started to just cry. He grabbed Dabi back and cried and sobbed into his shoulder. His tears got on his jacket, but it was thick enough that the wetness didn't touch his skin. "I wanna die, please don't stop me," Hawks whispered. Dabi sighed.
Dabi knew deep down that Hawks was going to kill himself the moment he left. He didn't know what his method would be, but he was positive the next time he visited Hawks' apartment, that he'd either be dead there, or go missing somewhere else, and Dabi would know he'd have killed himself in some other way.
"Okay." Hawks looked surprised, and stiffened. Dabi pulled away, and Hawks gave this shaky smile of relief. It made him feel so cold and sad. "Okay. Hang on," Dabi said, and went to the bathroom. His face was a blank mask. He dug around for any pills and found some mild pain pills.
He took the bottle of ibuprofen into the kitchen, and got the hardest alcohol he could find in Hawks' fridge or pantry. He walked back to the couch, and set the bottle of vodka and the bottle of pills on the coffee table gently. He watched the suicidal hero for any sign of hesitation. There was none.
He opened the bottle of vodka and got a handful of pills. His hands didn't shake, and Hawks said nothing more, Dabi said nothing more, before the winged hero downed the bottle and then chugged the alcohol. Dabi put his arm around Hawks' shoulder, resting his cheek against his head.
It didn't take long before Hawks stopped breathing. Dabi did not try to resuscitate him. The pro heroes feathers all fell off and wilted. But other than that, looking down, he looked so peaceful, and satisfied. Dabi heard the buzzing noise of the thing implanted in Hawks. People would probably come soon.
Dabi carefully picked up Hawks' lifeless body and tucked him into his bed. There were no shed tears, and Dabi pushed the hair out of his face. The eye liner was all over his cheeks, and Dabi took a few moments to wipe it off. Then, he left the room, not looking back, and left through the balcony and down the fire escape, his usual method to get in and out without passing cameras in the hallway outside of Hawks' door.
Dabi now had another purpose. He would butcher the HPSC. But he needed to plan with that. He went back to the hideout to give the news that their informant was dead. He'd lie, and say he found him bleeding from a stab wound in his home. There was no reason to give away the way Hawks had died.
The public would not find out he killed himself either. The commission would chalk it up to something else. Dabi hadn't been so sad in a long time. Hopefully Hawks could be at peace now. He was finally free.