I meant this to be fluffy, I swear. And then I listened to the song 'Surface Pressure' from Encanto, got depressed because it's EXACTLY how I feel as the eldest sibling and frequent babysitter of my mom's friend's kids, and it turned into this.

TW for mentions of abuse.

Luminara looked at the two eager faces before her and sighed. "Fine. As long as you are in bed before midnight and" —she forestalled any cheering with a firm look— "Master Skywalker gives his permission."

Ahsoka whooped, jumping at least eighteen inches into the air and coming down on Barriss's back. Barriss stumbled, laughing, but managed to stay up. "I already asked Skyguy and he said it was okay!"

Luminara felt the lie in the Force and raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Well…"

She gave her a look.

Ahsoka sighed, resting her head on top of Barriss's. "He just left on a mission a couple hours ago. He specifically told me not to call him unless it's an emergency. As in, like, the-Seppies-are-attacking-the-Temple-and-we-need-immediate-evac emergency, not my-padawan-conveniently-forgot-to-mention-a-sleepover."

Luminara sighed, shaking her head. "Fine. I don't suppose I really have a choice in this."

"Yay!"

They'd clearly planned this before asking permission, considering the speed in which Ahsoka had everything packed and was dragging the bag through the door. But that did tend to be Anakin's style. He'd always preferred begging forgiveness over asking permission.

And she'd be lying if she said it was anything other than a whole lot of monkey-see-monkey- do. Although frankly, it was three generations of monkey business. Qui-Gon had started it and Anakin was keeping up the tradition.

"We were gonna order pizza, is that okay?"

"Yes, that's fine. I've already eaten so just get whatever you ladies want."

They holed themselves up in Barriss's room, chatting and laughing. Luminara would be lying if she said she'd never done anything similar at their age, but at the same time, sometimes they'd squeal a little too loudly or they were playfully shoving each other and one of them fell off the bed and all she could hear was her old master's voice barking in her head, "Keep your voice down! You are a Jedi, not a hooligan!" "Sit still and be ladylike! Hands in your lap, back straight, eyes attentive!"

Sometimes it took real effort on her part not to repeat them. Sometimes she didn't realize it until after the words were out and she saw Barriss flinch. It was easy to tell which words were hers and which one she'd parroted. Luminara never raised her voice if she could help it. Maybe it was the number of times she'd been yelled at. Maybe she was just a soft-spoken person. But in her experience, raised voices never helped anything. They only escalated the situation and sometimes pushed it beyond control.

Every word of her master's always came out as a yell. She always apologized and tried to make it up, but the hurt had already been done.

Ahsoka yelled and there was a thump on the floor. There was a pause and then both girls burst into giggles. Luminara flinched for the incoming yell, and then shook herself. Xavros had been old when she was in the creche. Her old master was long dead.

That thought wasn't really comforting.

"Master, can we watch a movie?" Ahsoka poked her head out of the door to Barriss's room, grinning.

"Which movie?"

"Can we watch Descendants?"

"Again?"

"Well they made a third one and it just went to DVD and streaming last week." She giggled. "Please?"

"They made a third of those atrocities? Oh, I suppose. Only as long as you two don't hoard all the popcorn again."

"We won't!"

They made themselves a blanket nest on the couch, carefully leaving her corner alone. Luminara set popcorn to pop and retrieved a chocolate bar from her hidden stash that as of yet, Ahsoka had not sniffed out. She didn't mind sharing, but she did mind nosey padawans digging and around in the cupboards and raiding it. It had become a little game, between her and Ahsoka. Currently it was hidden in plain sight, in a box of peppermints. The mints themselves were long gone, with both her and Barriss having an insatiable love of all things peppermint, but Ahsoka would never touch the box, since peppermint oil gave her hives.

She settled into her spot, book in her lap in case the movie got too childish. The girls had the popcorn bowl and probably weren't going to share. Not that she minded really. She had her chocolate that for once, had not all been stolen.

The movie wasn't horrible necessarily, but it missed the charm of the first one. Luminara had sat through many, many a movie night when she was a padawan with the first movie and eventually the second. They weren't actually bad movies, but she had seen them so many times she could practically quote both films from memory. The third one was probably going to be the same problem. Barriss and Ahsoka would want to watch it every movie night, Ahsoka would talk Carter into it, Caleb would go along with it because the cool older kids were, and they'd be stuck with it on repeat every week.

At least the songs in this one were decent.

"Master Luminara, you okay?" Ahsoka glanced over at her.

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"You just seem a little tense."

"Oh. Yes, I'm fine. Just resigning myself to watching this movie every week for the foreseeable future."

Ahsoka didn't seem to pick up on the white lie and went back to watching.

Luminara took a slow breath. The constant jumps in volume during the first song, which she'd actually liked, were making her nervous. Even though it was just a song and she was fine, sudden loud noises had always been bad for her heart rate.

Of course emotional turmoil and relationship problems had to be the driving force in the plot. This was why she didn't read fiction. She didn't like books that toyed with your emotions.

Ahsoka gave her a weird look. "Are you sure you're okay? You're really tense."

"I'm fine."

"That was a lie." Barriss paused the movie. "Master, if you need to take a break from people, you can. You don't have to watch the movie with us."

"I didn't realize I needed your permission." She flinched as soon as the barbed words were out of her mouth and a thousand past repeats echoed in her mind. "I-I, um, I'm sorry, I…I'll just go." She left the book on the couch and went to her room, ignoring both girls' confused expressions and the hurt Barriss was trying to hide.

As soon as the door closed, Luminara sank to the floor against it. She struggled to breathe smoothly, heart pounding almost painfully.

"Waste of midi-chlorians!"

"Keep this up and you'll never be a Knight."

"You know I'm the only thing between you and the streets. I say the word and you're out."

"Look at this! Do you think this is satisfactory? Do you?"

"I really hope you don't become a Knight, because you know absolutely nothing about how hard it is to train a padawan. Do you think I wanted to deal with you? The only reason I'm training you is because you were my only option. You understand me? The only reason I didn't leave you to be shipped off with the rest of the failures is because everyone else is somehow worse than you."

She didn't realize she was crying until she almost inhaled a tear. Almost a decade of painful words, rattling around in her head, constantly echoing her long-dead master. Luna liked to think she was stronger than that. Than letting twenty-year old words get to her. Than getting anxious and tense over a song in a movie. Master Xavros was wrong. She was wrong. Those words were lies.

"Pathetic!"

"Useless and wasteful."

"Paranoid. Delusional."

"And here I thought your teachers said you were smart. They must have had the wrong name."

Right?

Someone knocked on the door and she flinched hard enough that she felt something in her shoulder pop. Luminara forced herself to take a deep breath and repeated the facts of the situation in her head. She wasn't a padawan anymore. Her master was gone. It was Barriss or Ahsoka checking on her.

With barely a tremble in her voice, she asked, "What do you need?"

"Are you okay?" Ahsoka sounded genuinely worried.

"I'm fine."

"I know you were crying." Her voice was low. "Barriss is really worried about you."

"I'm fine, Ahsoka."

"Okay now I know something's wrong because you never call me by my first name. If it's the movie we can turn it off and watch something else."

"It…it's not the movie."

"Well then I'm going to sit here until you tell me what the problem is. Movie is paused and Barriss is pacing in the kitchen mentally interrogating herself because she thinks she did something wrong."

That was probably the last thing she wanted to hear. Of course Barriss would think it was her fault. Of course she'd be picking apart everything she did to find out what she'd done. Of course it would all be her fault.

It was always her fault.

"I know you think I can't hear you, but seriously. These doors do nothing against montrals. I can hear you crying."

Luminara quickly wiped her eyes. "No I'm not."

"Please stop trying to lie to me. Seriously, I'm trying to help. Did you guys have a disagreement earlier or something? You just not feeling well? Headache or something?"

"No, it's not that. I'm fine. Go back to your movie. Just tell Barriss that I'm not mad at her. The problem's me. Not her."

Ahsoka sighed. "Okay." Luminara couldn't hear much through the door, but it sounded like she'd left.

She stayed there, curled on the floor, for several more minutes. Some of it was spent trying to psyche herself up enough to leave her room again, but most of it was just her crying softly while her master's words banged around in her head and hoping Ahsoka couldn't hear her from the couch.

Her comm rang and she debated answering it. On the one hand, that person probably actually needed to talk to her, but on the other she was a mess and in no state to answer a call and leave her reputation intact.

She checked the time. It was late enough that if she moved to her bed and dried her eyes, she could blame the mess she was in on having been woken up. It was worth a try.

But of course the person calling had to be Anakin Skywalker, who had the uncanny ability to figure out when someone had been crying.

"Master Skywalker, may I help you?"

His face changed as soon as the words were out of her mouth. "I don't mean to pry, but something tells me you're the one who needs help."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're pulling the same trick I used a hundred times. Pretending to have just woken up to cover up the fact that you were crying. Also, your mascara is smeared all over your eyes."

She sighed in defeat. "Fine. Yes, I was crying and no, I don't want to talk about it. Why are you calling?"

"I was just checking in on Ahsoka. I know she's staying over, she's not as discreet as she thinks she is. Don't worry, it's fine with me. Just making sure she hasn't set anything on fire or jumped out a window."

"No, the padawans are fine. They're watching a movie."

"Okay. I know you just said you don't want to talk about it, but something tells me you need to."

Luminara sighed. "Have you ever…accidentally said something you didn't mean to Ahsoka? That really hurt her?"

"Well, yeah, a few times."

"How did you…deal with it?"

To his credit, he didn't ask any questions about it. "Well, usually, I'm really angry, so I go blow off steam first. Or at least take a deep breath. Then I ask her if she wants to talk about it. Sometimes the answer is no, she doesn't, and then I leave her alone until she comes to me about it. If she does, I make sure she knows that she did nothing wrong and that what I said is on me. And I apologize. If she wants, sometimes we spar and I usually stay defensive. Give her a chance to beat on me a bit if she's still angry. Help her work it out before it becomes a problem."

"That hardly seems like the Jedi way, letting your padawan use you as a punching bag for her anger."

"It's not really. But it is better than the alternative. I know I'm pretty famous for my temper. I just get angry and I can't always control it. And sometimes I get royally pissed at something, and I do things that I regret. I'm not great at managing my own anger, but I can teach Ahsoka how to manage hers. Sometimes she just needs to work it out and sparring is helpful to her. If I'm not available, she'll spar with Rex or one of the boys, or Obi-Wan, I've heard she talked Barriss into it a few times. It gives her a chance to blow off steam and calm down before she says or does anything she'll regret."

"I see." It didn't really apply to her situation. Barriss didn't really get angry. She withdrew. Assumed it was her fault and subsequently drove herself to never make that mistake again, even if she'd done nothing wrong.

"Can I ask what happened?" he asked softly.

She looked away. "You probably don't know anything about my old master."

"I know Obi-Wan hates her guts."

"Of course he does. She was…very strict with me. Sometimes, when I'm…having a bad day, which is no excuse, I know better, I find myself repeating some of the things she said. Unwarrented things. And I can't take it back. I try to apologize and make sure she knows it's not her fault, but…I don't know how."

"So you said something to Barriss that you didn't mean to and now she's hurt and you don't know what to do."

She nodded.

"I do the same thing."

Luminara frowned in confusion.

"I find myself repeating things my mom or Obi-Wan would tell me to Ahsoka. All the super annoying things that I always hated hearing and now I find myself saying them and it's kind of embarrassing. But I'm gonna assume, it's not the same thing."

She blinked hard, struggling not to cry. She would not cry in front of Skywalker. She would not. "She…would snap at me for every little thing. If I wasn't sitting up straight, talking too loud, anything other than sheer perfection. I…I know it was wrong, but I find myself repeating what she said. And Barriss doesn't understand that it's not her fault. I'm the one who's not good enough. I'm the one who can't control my mouth. I'm the failure, not her."

"Okay, first of all, you are not a failure. Not being perfect all the time is not equal to failure. Second, everyone does this. You hear these things from parental figures and then you repeat them. Everyone does it. Sometimes it's benign, sometimes it's not. Raising a padawan is hard and you screw up. I don't really feel qualified to give advice on this because I've had a padawan for like eight months and I have no idea what I'm doing and you've had a padawan for years and this probably isn't your first time around-"

"It is, actually."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Barriss is my first padawan. And I promise you, I am just as lost at this whole padawan business as you are."

"Well that's comforting. But anyway, you screw up sometimes, and sometimes, you really screw up. And the best thing you can do is admit that you were wrong and apologize. And talk about it. Figure out how to do better next time."

"Thank you."

"Of course. No problem. You feel better now?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I've gotta go. We're about to exit hyperspace and I can't find my lightsaber."

"It's on your belt."

"It is?" He looked down. "Oh, it is. Thanks. Comm's in my hand, saber's on my belt, padawan's with you, that should be it. Okay. Wish me luck."

"Good luck, Master Skywalker."

"There we go. If you need a break before you talk to her, that's fine, but don't forget to do it."

"I won't."

She hadn't forgotten, but she was still working up the courage to get up and actually do it.

Luminara looked at the clock and sighed. Two hours. Two hours spent trying to scrape up the courage to just do it. She was kind of hoping they would go to sleep and then she could also go to sleep and they could tackle it in the morning.

But she also knew that they wouldn't tackle it in the morning, they would pretend it had never happened and it would be another item on the long list of small resentments between them.

Alright. Time to take the advice Quinlan always gave her and she never took. Just do it.

When she opened her door, the living space was empty. The light was on in Barriss's room she could hear the girls talking. Her hearing wasn't good enough to hear what they were saying, but she could hear sniffles and Ahsoka soothing.

Barriss was crying.

Two steps into the four it took to get to Barriss's door from hers, her courage failed. She sank to the floor again, trying to hold back her own tears.

"Worthless!"

She'd made her padawan cry. Her padawan, who she was supposed to protect and teach and raise into a young woman. And Luminara had snapped at her over something stupid and now she was crying.

"I pity your future padawan. If the Council even lets you teach."

Luna bit her lip, eyes squeezing shut as she tried not to cry. In the moment she'd always been able to bear the words stoically, with no outer reaction. How could she be so weak to let them bring her to tears now? Thirty-five. A Master in her own right. She should know better than this. She was better than this.

In the end she went back to her room, closed her door and muffled her sobs against her pillow.

I do have a Christmas thing started that is coming as soon as I finish it. I may have started it last year, but I will finish it in time for Christmas this year. That one is pure fluff and happiness. I still have no idea how this got so sad.