Jimmy found Lou hanging clothes in the hot morning sun, watching Kid and the boys in the yard as they worked with Cholo and Tom in the corral. Teaspoon had made some excuse of having to stop in town, so he returned alone to seek her out. Jimmy rode up to the back of the house and dismounted, so his arrival was not announced to the others. Quietly he approached her as she bent to pick up another sheet, and when he dumped the basket of fish behind her she jumped in fright.

"Jimmy, you scared me!" she gasped, her hand on her chest.

"Sorry."

"Where's Teaspoon?"

"He'll be back soon."

"Did the two of you… have a good talk?" she asked carefully, pegging up the white linen.

Jimmy smiled bitterly. "You could say that. We talked a few things out, but he's not the one I needed to talk to."

Lou stopped her work and looked at his shadowed face. She caught a glimpse of the old Jimmy she missed so much in his expression and his quiet voice, and gladly motioned for him to sit with her on the porch. Lou sat down with a measure of relief in the cool shade and nodded at him encouragingly.

"I'm sorry about last night, Lou, I don't know what was wrong with me," he began slowly, as yet unable to meet her eyes. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

"It's okay."

"I've been kinda at a loose end, you know, since the war ended. I thought if I came back here I'd find some answers… answers to old questions, that is. I guess, what I mean is, I knew that things would be different now, but didn't expect to find you like this… I mean, I ain't never seen you so happy."

"You wanted to find me miserable?" She frowned, confused.

"'Course not. That's not what I meant." Jimmy sighed, this was all wrong. He shouldn't be saying any of this. But he knew that if he didn't now he never would.

"Jimmy, why'd you really come here after all this time?" she asked evenly.

"I don't know, Lou, that's somethin' I've been askin' myself ever since I got here. I guess I hoped that somehow things'd wouldn't be that different, that maybe we could—"

Jimmy looked deep into her eyes, unable to finish. The depth of emotion within startled her into recognition and Lou's mouth opened in surprise. She could read all too clearly in his face just what the reason had been.

"Jimmy—"

"Lou, don't. I know it's stupid, but I just had to make sure. Ever since I got your letter I've been wonderin'… well, hopin' more like it."

"I never meant for you to—"

"I know you didn't. It ain't you, it was me. You made your decision a long time ago, I understand that."

Jimmy remembered all too clearly the fateful day when he and Lou had delivered Elias Mills to be hanged at Fort Kearney. After the Kid had been shot and sent back to Rock Creek, Jimmy had finally admitted his feelings for Lou, first to himself and then to her by kissing her by the firelight that night. Though he knew it was a mistake, and that she had unresolved feelings for his best friend, Jimmy had taken his shot anyway.

And although he had really not counted on the fact that she would choose him over the Kid, it had still hurt when, at the moment of Mills' death soon after, she had turned instinctively to the returned Kid for comfort and support. In that one simple action she had shown Jimmy who was first in her heart, and he had left it at that, on outward appearances anyway. Kid had turned away from the gallows followed by Lou, somewhat shocked by the revelation that had just struck her. Without even knowing it, she had made her choice, and there was no going back. She loved Kid and always had, and even though their relationship had its problems she would not sacrifice it. Her thoughts had finally returned to Jimmy then and she'd lain a hand on his arm in a wordless, almost guilty entreaty. Jimmy had recognized the belated gesture, and knew that that was the end of it, in Lou's mind anyway. But even the apparent finality of her decision could not quiet within him the knowledge that he loved her too.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" she now asked softly.

"Would it have made a difference?"

Lou lowered her eyes briefly, her cheeks blushing slightly. "No."

"Didn't think so," Jimmy admitted.

"That doesn't mean I don't care, Jimmy, I do. But I love the Kid. I never had any regrets about marryin' him."

"Did you ever tell him… about what happened?"

"Didn't seem much point—and you know how he can get," Lou replied. "He suspected that there was somethin' between us, it would've only hurt him to tell. Besides, what difference does it make now? Everythin's changed—I can't even begin to imagine my life without him."

Jimmy nodded at the truth he had so long denied, and it struck him painfully that all this time he had just been deluding himself. He felt a fool, and laughed bitterly at her words.

"It's just as well, Lou. Somehow I don't think I was cut out to be a husband. I wouldn't have turned my back on my country when the war came just because I got married."

Lou's eyes blazed for a moment in defense of her husband. She had wondered how long it was going to take Jimmy to bring this up. Once he and the Kid had argued bitterly over the war, and Jimmy knew very well that Kid had proclaimed he would go back to Virginia when the fighting broke out.

"You think he was a coward?" she bristled.

"I think you must have done one hell of a good job persuadin' him to give up his beliefs," Jimmy responded dully.

Lou was stung by the accusation, knowing full well that Jimmy was just trying to hurt her. Though he did not deserve to know the truth, she could not let Jimmy believe that Kid had simply run away to the West because he was afraid. He had not wanted to fight any more than the others had, but to defend his home, friends and family, he would have gone to the ends of the earth. It just turned out that he had another family to think of first; another family to put before the one he left in Virginia.

"Jimmy, if Kid had made the decision to go I would have stayed with him. I couldn't let him live his life regrettin' the fact that he had abandoned those who depended on him. But he didn't. He chose to stay away because I needed him more than the South. I needed him and so did his son… I was pregnant with Jamie before the fightin' even started."

Jimmy didn't say anything. He could tell from the look on her face that she was telling the truth. He knew Kid would never have left her knowing that she was having a baby, and Jimmy could not blame him. The only thing he could do was bring her as far away from the war as possible, the very same thing that Jimmy would have done in his place.

"Lou, I didn't know..."

"Of course you didn't, it was hardly somethin' I could tell everyone," she retorted hotly. "But you should know that it wasn't an easy thing for Kid to do. It took more courage for him to face up to his responsibilities here than in Virginia. I know, Jimmy, I know very well just how much his home meant to him, and I sometimes wonder if he still wishes he could have been a part of defendin' it. So don't you ever think even for a minute that the Kid was a coward."

She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes gazing around the small ranch yard. "You should have seen this place when we came back, Jimmy, it was in ruins. It took all we had just to convince the bank to lend us the money to get started. But we did. We worked night and day to build up this place because we had to for our child. Believe me, it took more than I ever thought possible. But we did it."

"Guess things really did turn out for the best," said Jimmy quietly, his residual anger drained. There was left only emptiness unlike he had ever felt before. "I am glad for you, Lou, even if I got a funny way of showin' it. I only ever wanted you to be happy."

"Just like I did you."

Jimmy's eyes dropped to his feet and he smiled ruefully. "Well, I said it before and I'll say it again. The Kid is a lucky man."

"I reckon I'm pretty lucky too. Just look at our boys," said Lou proudly, as she watched Jamie and Adam in the corral with her husband, both of them perched on the back of Kid's old horse Katy as he led them around. She stole her hand around Jimmy's large, coarse one and squeezed it gently. "I'm sorry that things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to. But it still means a lot to me that you came, and it means a lot to Kid too. Why don't you go talk to him?"

Jimmy nodded silently. He looked into Lou's eyes one long, last time, remembering every detail of her face as she looked right at that moment. For years he had been stubbornly holding onto the notion that perhaps he had been the one she had truly wanted all this time. He didn't fool himself into believing it was love, but it was better than knowing he was alone. It had been one thing from his past with the Pony Express that he had held onto as James Butler Hickok ceased to be and he became Wild Bill Hickok—one sacred thing that reminded him who he really was. Now, as he stared into Lou's upturned face, he let it go. The past had been silenced, now he would move on and find which ever path would be his own. He saw plainly for the first time that it was not the same as hers.