AUTHOR NOTE
This fic was written shortly after I cranked out the first draft of Trauma back in 2006. Since that fic has been completely rewritten, maybe it's time to give this one a quick update.
You've got the future on your side—you're gonna be fine now
I know whatever you decide, you're gonna shine.
-"The Answer Lies Within," Dream Theater
Can't sleep. Haven't been able to for weeks.
Things have been weighing heavy on my mind for a while now—it's been a few weeks since that whole mess with Hamilton went down, and ever since I visited Kitten that night, sleep's been out of the question. Nowadays, my nights are filled with research, reflection and regret. My three R's. Hilarious, I know.
The research is my way of trying to be more thorough and careful with my detective work. The reflection is my way of trying to figure out why things couldn't have turned out differently. And the regret is my way of trying to answer to myself.
No matter how hard I try, there always seem to be more questions than answers. What if I hadn't shown that footage? What if I joined Beast Boy and Cyborg in searching Tower East? What if I ignored the police car outside Kitten's house?
Oh God…
The tears come to my eyes so fast that I'm not prepared to deal with them. I try to breathe but a hacking, half breath-half sob comes out. Ignoring that sight would've put all five of us into a false sense of security. If that happened, Hamilton would've graduated to murder, and Raven and Star would be dead right now.
Star. My sweet, precious Starfire.
I'm crying now, but I don't even notice it until my door opens and I hear that familiar, innocent voice:
"Robin? For what reason are you weeping?"
I stop long enough to see her standing in my doorway in her pajamas. She looks so cute in her bedtime outfit. I compose myself as best I can and answer, "No reason. I just can't sleep."
She says, "Your inability to sleep cannot possibly be the reason for your tears, Robin. What is really wrong?"
She sits down next to me and I look up to find myself staring into those beautiful green eyes of hers. The look on her face is one of concern, mainly for me. She's been asking me if I'm okay a lot lately, and I always lie and say I am. Now, staring into her eyes, I can't lie anymore.
I'm wracked with sobs, trying to get some words out. Mostly, I'm burying my face in her chest, just crying like a baby. It feels so good to let the stress go. All the while, she gently strokes my hair and whispers that it's okay.
I eventually compose myself and tell her about the past few weeks and my train of thought since then. My fear of losing her. My fear of losing Raven, Beast Boy and Cyborg. All the what ifs and maybes that have been playing out in my mind find their way out, and she says that she understands.
"I have had numerous sleepless nights since then as well. We all have. But I have largely moved on from what has happened, and you must attempt to do so as well. If you keep dwelling on the events of the past, I think you will only grow more depressed."
She's right. "I'll try," I tell her.
"If you ever need anyone to talk to, we are all here for you, Robin." She gets up and is nearly out the door before I yell, "Wait!"
She turns around and I ask, "Will you sleep here tonight?" She smiles and says yes.
We climb into my bed together and face each other, heads on the pillows, staring into each other's eyes. She reaches out and grabs my hand, and I bring it up to my face and give it a little kiss. Then the words come out that I've been dying to say to her.
"I love you, Starfire."
She moves closer to me and kisses me on the cheek. As she moves back, she says, "And I love you too."
I smile for the first time in weeks as she falls asleep before me. Watching her sleep, I feel warm. Safe. Loved. Not just by her, but by everyone here in this giant T. Thank you, Starfire. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
I join her in her slumber a few minutes later. I know I'll be fine now.
Dream Theater quote copyright 2005 by John Petrucci.