Chapter 5

Bring me to life, Bring me to life

The nurse and the doctor stared at him, like they couldn´t believe that he was really there.

"Oh, thank god!" the nurse exclaimed.

"I´m doctor Adams, your wife´s doctor" the man introduced himself.

"She´s not my wife. She is my..." Luke didn´t know what to say. He had no idea what they were. If they still were something after nine months apart.

"Where is she?" he asked instead. The wish to see her was overwhelming, it was his only one.

"Before you can see her we need to talk to you. Would you follow me to my office?" Luke just nodded and followed the man. He only wanted to see her.

Nearly an hour later he came out of the office. His head was pounding. He felt happy and sad. Excited and numb with shock. They had told him so many things and he could only remember small parts: Cancer, radiation, operation, lung, chemotherapy, loss of weight, refused to eat, depressions, donor, resignation, antibodies... could die. The words flew around in his head and he began to feel dizzy. He sat down in a chair, but it didn´t help.

He could follow the explanations of the doctor very well because he remembered all those medical terms from his father, who had died of cancer. He felt sick. He ran to the toilet and threw up, but didn´t feel better afterwards. He desperately needed to see her.

" You know, I never finished that boat. It's been sitting there half done for fifteen years."
"Hey, Luke, don't you think you might have been a little hasty about the boat decision? I mean, you were upset, and I bet some day you're going to be really sorry you don't have that boat anymore."
"No, it's better she gets rid of the thing now."
" But..."
" I haven't even looked at that boat since my dad got sick. Not a glance, nothing."
" Even more reason"
"If it's gone, then I don't have to deal with it. It's time to move on, you know?"
" But..."
"I'm fine. Really. Thanks for the ride"
"Any time"

"Can I see her now?" he asked half an hour later when he felt better and wasn´t at least walking like a drunken person anymore.

"Yes. But she is asleep. You have to keep in mind that she doesn´t know that we contacted you. She might get upset. We might not get any reaction at all"

"Yeah, I know. He told me."

"Do what you think might help her. We have tried everything, we are out of ideas. But the most important things are that she eats and that she finally sleeps for more than ten minutes. She had problems with that right from the beginning and the fact that she is asleep at the moment is a miracle, but in less than five minutes she´ll be awake again. Her body could use some more rest," the nurse told him and he just nodded. Then he followed her.

They stopped in front of a huge window. Behind it was a bed and he could make out the form of a human body in the bed. The nurse gave him one last reassuring smile before she left him alone.

There were machines in the room, a huge bed. He saw that she wore a white bandana on her head. They had told him that she had lost her hair. All her beautiful long brown curls. The room looked sad and depressing. Words he never thought he would use in one sentence with her name. Because that wasn´t her. She was sparkly, funny and beautiful. She had been.

He saw two pink frames on her bedside-table and in one he could make out his own portrait. That´s when he knew he needed to go in there. He needed to be there for her. She needed him. And he needed her just as much. He just wasn´t sure if she knew that.

"See, there's a reason why I stay away from people on this particular day. It's 'cause I kind of suck."
"Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have stayed out of it. You were right, I didn't think. I mean, I didn't think like you would think. I thought like I would think. And my thinking is sometimes very, very wrong if you're not me, and occasionally if you are me ..."
"You just keep thinking like you'd think"
"I can do that. Do you want to come in?"

He opened the door slowly and quietly, fighting the nausea which hit him when the scent of medicine came into his nose instead of the scent he had expected. Hers.

He put the bag he was carrying down next to the door and then walked towards her bed and stopped when he stood next to her.

She had no hair. Her face was grey. She was too skinny. She was lonely. Her cheeks were still wet with tears. She looked more dead than alive. He had trouble recognizing her. Maybe the nurse had shown him the wrong room. This couldn´t be her. For seconds he refused to believe it.

But then she wrinkled her nose for a short moment like she always did when she was asleep and was about to wake up. He had seen it so many times. And then he knew that it was her.

As quiet as possible, he leaned down and untied his shoes, then slid them off, and left them next to her bed. Then he sat down on the bed, careful not to wake her. He lifted his legs and put them next to hers, just on the blanket, not under it. He turned on his side, so he could watch her sleep. Like he had done before. Before before.

She also rolled on her side after some seconds and he thought she would wake up, but she didn´t. Unconsciously, she moved closer to him and pressed her forehead under his chin, her nose against his chest. He heard her take a deep breath. Then she snuggled closer. He slowly lifted his left arm and carefully lay it around her shoulders, pulling her even more into him. His chin rested on her cotton-covered, hairless head, but he didn´t want to take a deep breath, because she didn´t smell like herself. If that made sense.

Having her safe in his arms after nine months between hope and despair was like a dream come true.

He was afraid he would crush her; she looked as if she was made of glass and felt just as cold.

He heard her sigh and then he thought he heard her whisper his name. But when he looked down, her eyes were still closed. She was still asleep. The nurse had been wrong. She slept, maybe for longer than ten minutes.

He couldn´t help himself and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, which caused her to sigh one more time.

When he closed his eyes to memorize the feeling of having her in his arms again he realized that he was crying. Tears ran down his cheeks, one after the other.

So he kept his eyes closed to stop them from falling and drifted off to sleep.

She hadn´t been the only one who hadn´t slept for real in nine months.

TBC