Chapter 6

Now that I know what I´m without, you can´t just leave me

For the first time in months she was asleep. Truly asleep.

For the first time in months she was dreaming. A happy dream. She dreamed that he was there. Right next to her. She dreamed that she snuggled into him. That she could breathe him in. That she was surrounded by his scent. That his arms were around her, holding her close. She sighed, because the dream was so wonderful. She wanted to sleep forever and be wrapped in this feeling. So she kept sleeping.

He woke up late the next morning. It was around ten. He was slightly disorientated at first, but then he remembered.

She was still asleep, lying halfway on top of him.

He thought about just staying in bed with her, waiting for her to wake up. But he decided against it. Carefully he untangled from her, placed her head softly on the pillow and stood up. He left his shoes next to the bed and walked, just in his socks into the bathroom, grabbing his toiletries from the bag.

He needed to take a shower, because he felt sticky and dirty. He wasn´t. It was just another effect the hospital had on him. He could see the bacteria crawl on his skin and he realized that he smelled like the hospital, too.

Lorelai opened her eyes just to discover that it had really been a dream. The realization took all the relaxing effect of her long sleep away from her and she curled into a ball, and brought her knees up to her chest, to make the cold go away. She wished she would have slept forever and just never wake up. This life was not worth living for anymore, but the dream was worth dying for. But there had not been such luck.

Luke took his time taking the shower. It took time washing the feelings away, it took time washing the hospital-smell away and it took time to think about what to do.

He was terrified of Lorelais reaction. What would happen when she saw him? Last night had been easy compared to now because he had known that she had been asleep. This time was different. His thoughts were running in circles through his head like they had done on the airplane.

But he knew that she needed him.

"If we can not get her to eat and to want to live, I´m afraid there is nothing more we can do for her"
"What can I do? Why doest she want to live?"
"I´m sorry, but we don´t know. It might have been the long and painful therapies, the loneliness, boredom. But we don´t know."

She was staring out of the window again. This time without a tent covering her bed. The therapy had been successful, mostly. She wasn´t happy about it.

She thought she had heard the shower running, but she heard things all the time, her mind was playing tricks on her.

She thought she heard the door open and close, she thought she heard steps, very quiet ones. She thought she smelled him, like during her dream. She thought she heard his voice calling her name.

"This is nice"
" Mm-hmm"
" I think it's going very well, you and me. You think it's going very well?"
"I have very few complaints"
"Hmm. I'm going right past the very few complaints comment, 'cause I know you're just trying to bait me. What complaints?"

"Lorelai!" he said again when he got no reaction the first time. He took another step closer. That´s when she turned around. Not her whole body, just her head for a second. Then she resumed staring out of the window.

This couldn´t be true. He could not be here. Her own fantasy was playing cruel games with her. She concentrated on the window in front of her.

But then she felt a touch on her shoulder. She wasn´t imagining it. Someone was really in her room. Again she turned her head only to look into his blue, teary eyes which were pleading with her. She didn´t know for what.

"Luke?" she heard herself whisper. He gave her a little smile, his lips were trembling and his hand on her shoulder was shaking.

"I´m here" he whispered back. He took his hand off of her shoulder and walked around the bed, so she was facing him. He knelt down and took her hands in his. His eyes were staring into hers.

After a minute he took one hand away from hers and began to trace along the lines of her face. Over her nose, over her lips, down to her chin. Back up over her cheek to her sleeve. At some point she had closed her eyes.

But while she lay there she started thinking. She started to think about the fact that he was here. That he was here only for her. She wondered how he had found her. She wondered why he was here. She wondered if he was happy now that he had found her. And gave herself the answer: How could he be happy to find this? He must be scared and disgusted. She wondered why he hadn´t just turned around and gone away when he had seen her. He didn´t deserve this.

That´s when she opened her eyes. When he wanted to touch her lips with his thumb again she flinched. He took his hand away.

"Go" she said, barely above a whisper. She got no reaction from him. Maybe he hadn´t heard her.

"Go!" she said again, louder this time.

"Lorel..."

"Please go!" she interrupted him, then closed her eyes. She did not want to watch him leave.

TBC