At the End of the Road
Part III
Standing by the mirror dressed in white
she tells herself it'll be all right
It's okay that nothing's like she planned
she doesn't love him but he's a good man
There's a blushing bride before the mirror
and she turns away so she doesn't see the tears
-Megan Bullock "Down the Aisle"
She stared at her reflection passively, studying it.
In the mirror was a tall, slender woman, hair done up in a fancy twist with small white flowers woven into her hair.
The gown was perfect, a sleeveless bodice decorated with embroidered vines, tiny pearls accentuating the design, and a long flowing skirt that billowed out around her feet as she stood on the carpeted stool in front of the mirror.
A small, dainty silver tiara had been placed on her head, with a long white gauzy veil slinking out behind it and trailing lazily down her back all the way to the floor.
It was a dress right out of a fairy-tale.
She looked like a princess, so why didn't she feel like one?
There were knots in her stomach, she felt lightheaded as her shaky hands smoothed her dress.
It was just the jitters, or so she kept telling herself. It was no big deal, she was just feeling anxious about the wedding and nervous about remembering her vows or something. It was jitters, that's all, and it was perfectly normal for a bride on her wedding day.
She'd even had them herself a long time ago...
Don't think about him, Carrie told herself firmly. Not today.
Today was her wedding day, she was wearing a beautiful gown and her hair and makeup were perfect, and she was going to marry Lucas.
Lucas, not Austin.
And that was the way she wanted it.
Is it, really? a traitorous little voice inside of her asked.
It was.
Lucas was handsome and charming and smart, he was successful and loyal, and he was such a good father. She'd seen him with Will, and she knew that she couldn't find a better man to father her children.
This was the right choice, Lucas was the right choice.
So why did she feel so empty?
"You look beautiful."
Sami had moved up alongside her, and Carrie looked at her little sister's reflection beside her own in the mirror. There was a smile on Sami's face, but it was distant and she wasn't sure that Sami was even really looking at the mirror anymore.
"Thanks," Carrie said softly. "So do you."
Her sister was dressed in a lovely navy gown that flattered her brilliant blue eyes, with her golden locks pinned up so that her curls rested elegantly on the crown of her head.
It was strange, to see Sami all grown up.
They hadn't been kids in a long time, obviously, but Carrie had always carried around this little mental image of Sami as a teenager.
Of a pretty girl who didn't feel comfortable in her own skin yet, who felt overlooked and awkward compared to some of her classmates, and out of place next to her siblings. Sami had struggled with body image issues during her teen years, never feeling good enough or pretty enough, and she'd never believed Carrie when she'd told her that she just hadn't fully blossomed yet.
And here she was, all grown up, every bit as beautiful as Carrie had always known she would be.
"I'm, uh, I'm really glad you're here," she told her little sister.
Sami looked up at her with a frown. "Where else would I be? I'm the maid of honor."
"I meant here," Carrie explained, gesturing between them. "With me. I guess I never really thought that we'd get to this point, where we'd be able to be sisters again. Not after all the bad blood and everything that..."
"Everything that I did," Sami finished for her.
"I wasn't exactly blameless," Carrie pointed out. "It's my fault, too."
"Maybe a little," Sami conceded, looking down. "But mostly mine. I've screwed up a lot, Carrie, and screwed up a lot of other people's lives. I can't take that back, all I can do is say I'm sorry."
"I know," Carrie assured her. "I'm sorry, too."
Sami gave her a ghost of a smile, and then busied herself by looking Carrie's dress over once more to make sure that everything was perfect.
Looking back into the mirror again, Carrie watched her sister's reflection.
She really hadn't thought that the two of them would ever be able to make peace. Oh, they'd buried the hatchet before she left town with Mike, of course, but there had still been some lingering bitterness between them. Sami hadn't invited her back for any of her failed weddings, after all, and Carrie had not bothered to call or write, just mailed a card twice a year at Christmas and on her sister's birthday.
It had been hard to let go of all the things Sami had done to her, and to forget what her sister's schemes had cost her.
But she'd been happy with Mike, for a few years, and she'd almost managed to forget about Austin Reed. She'd even been able to send a flower arrangement with her congratulations when her father told her that Austin and Sami had gotten engaged.
After all, she had a life halfway around the world with Mike, and she was happy.
In her heart, though, it had always been Austin.
When things fell apart with Mike, she hadn't been able to bring herself to return to Salem. It would have been too hard, to go home alone and see Austin with Sami.
By the time she learned that the wedding hadn't happened, she'd already been settled in Los Angeles. What was the point in going to Salem? Austin had left, presumably for New York, and Salem didn't hold the opportunities that L.A. did.
The news coming out of Salem had kept her away, serial killings and death in the family, all the hard things she wasn't strong enough to face yet.
But, inevitably, she'd found herself coming back, returning to the place where it all began.
And she'd found that Salem wasn't the place she remembered.
Relationships had changed, people had changed, and it seemed their lives had all gone on fine without her.
She hadn't expected Austin to be in Salem, she hadn't been prepared to handle seeing him again, after all that time and everything that had happened between them. They'd been so in love once, so blissfully happy, but she'd thrown that all away for a fleeting passion with Mike.
The years apart had not fully erase that from Austin's memory, but he'd been happy to see her just the same.
And Carrie had been happy to see him, too, at least until she learned he was the one responsible for the takeover of Highstyle.
To be fair, he hadn't known it was her company until it was over and done with.
Still, it had taken Carrie some time to get over her anger, but in the end she couldn't hold it against him. He really hadn't known, and it was hard to stay mad at someone you loved.
Although, Lucas and Sami certainly were good at it.
It had been a stunning bit of news, learning that Sami and Lucas, of all people, had nearly gotten married, but somehow it fit.
After all those years of fighting, it was either fall in love or kill each other.
But that love hadn't lasted.
As always, Sami had gotten in too deep in some mischief, and it had destroyed her relationship with Lucas. He'd left her at the altar when Kate exposed her, and Carrie couldn't help feeling sorry for her sister.
The altar just never worked out for Sami.
But usually she bounces back, Carrie sighed, watching her sister.
This time, Sami had just let go.
Carrie didn't understand why Sami would let go with Lucas, when she'd fought so hard to get Austin and Brandon back. Did it mean that she didn't love Lucas as much as she had them?
Or did she love Lucas so completely that she was letting go for him?
"Quit fidgeting," Sami scolded her, and Carrie blinked, startled to realize that she'd been twisting her hands.
"Sorry," Carrie whispered.
"It's okay," Sami said, flashing her a weak smile. "I know how wedding nerves are."
"Yeah," Carrie agreed softly. "It must be nerves."
"Well, you don't have anything to be nervous about," Sami informed her, intently studying one of the pins in her hand. "You're going to do fine. Lucas is a great guy, he really is. He'll be a good husband."
Her voice was flat, emotionless, but Carrie didn't miss the slight quiver.
"Sami?" she said gently, trying to catch her sister's eye, but Sami wouldn't look at her. "Sami, are you sure that-"
"I better go help Will with his tie," Sami cut her off quietly. "He's probably about two seconds away from ripping the things to pieces."
"Sami," Carrie tried again, but Sami was already slipping out of the bridal room.
The door swung closed behind her, leaving Carrie alone in the empty room, with no one but her reflection for company.
Sighing, Carrie turned back to the mirror, staring at it as if it could give her some kind of answer to all of the questions churning inside of her, but all she found was herself gazing back helplessly.
None of this was how she'd imagined it would be.
Her maid of honor was only half there, and the fake smile she kept plastering on her face wasn't fooling anyone.
Will, the nephew she'd always doted on, hated her.
So much so that he'd refused to be Lucas' best man, or to be in the wedding party at all.
Even her groom-to-be wasn't as happy as he should have been, on the day of his wedding. Lucas tried to hide it, but his smiles didn't quite reach his eyes and his laugh sounded hollow even to her own ears.
And here she was, about to walk down the aisle, and she wanted to cry.
It wasn't that she didn't love Lucas, she did, but not the way she knew she was supposed to when they were only minutes away from getting married.
She'd tried to be in love with him, she'd tried so hard and she just couldn't.
Because her heart still belonged to Austin Reed, it always had and it always would.
But she wasn't marrying Austin.
Lucas had proposed to her and she'd said yes, because he was everything that she needed. He was steady and devoted, with Lucas she knew she would never be hurt like she had been with Austin, like he had been with Sami.
She'd said yes, even though she knew in heart that Austin and Sami had only hurt them because the love there was so intense, because it was real.
There would never be hurt like that between her and Lucas, but there would never be love like that, either.
In a way, it felt like an arranged marriage, more like a business deal than a wedding.
Lucas didn't love her, she knew that, but he wouldn't take Sami back after all that had happened, and Carrie couldn't leave him to be all alone.
He'd suffered so much already, she couldn't add more hurt to his heart.
So she would marry him, and she would be a devoted and faithful wife, even while her heart betrayed them both by loving Austin. And Lucas, in turn, would take care of her and shower her with affection, all the while pretending that both of them didn't know that in his dreams she was somebody else.
Reaching for a tissue, Carrie dabbed at her eyes, trying to keep her mascara from running.
She was going to walk down that aisle and smile, for Lucas, and try not to look at Austin as he stood with Phillip beside Lucas.
They just had to get through the ceremony, and then she'd take it one day at a time.