12

A/N: Thanks for being patient. I have quite a bit of story left to tell here. I really appreciate the comments people sent me. Some of the critical stuff was really helpful, and the positive stuff feeds and inspires me. There are plot points yet to come. I hope you will continue to stay with me.

Sheila

Control

Chapter 12

It was sleep, only sleep, but it was good. It was nice to be in the midst of his strong arms and legs; even his snoring was a comfort. She didn't know what the morning would bring them, but she couldn't muster up any regret, and she imagined that this was a good thing.

For a long time after she woke, she just lay, feeling his breath warm her neck; one big arm encircling her waist. He was a complicated man and this would be a complicated journey with no guarantees. But Alex could separate better than most, and she found herself content to live in the moment.

He stirred behind her. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah."

"Did you sleep well?"

"I did, Bobby. Thank you. I did."

His head lifted and he looked down at her. "Are we okay?"

She looked up into his blurry, unshaven face; his curly salt and pepper hair flattened on one side of his head and smiled. "We're okay."

He nodded. "Good."

He hovered for a moment and she wondered if she was about to be kissed by the man she had worked with for the last five years, but his head jerked a little and then he moved away. She rolled around so that she was facing him. "We stay honest about everything. Understand? If we hold anything in, we're going to be lost."

He regarded her for a moment, and then a smile grew on his face. "It's a deal, Eames."

He reached out and stroked her cheek, sending shivers through her. She was about to reach for his face when he sat up. "It's a beautiful day. What do you say we take a little stroll down to the lighthouse before we head back?"

She propped herself up on an elbow watching him gather up his clothes. "I'm driving home."

He looked up. "Ah, come on. I did good yesterday. Gimme a break."

She shook her head. "I'm ready to drive, Bobby."

He sat next to her on the bed, taking in the full import of her statement. "I'm glad to hear it, but take it slow, okay?"

"I feel good. I can't remember the last time I felt good." She fell back in the bed and smiled up at him. It would have been easy to let emotion take over, but he was careful with her and she appreciated it. He shook his head as if to release himself from the moment. Then he stood up and pulled his shirt over his head, and said something about going down to the desk in search of a couple of toothbrushes and toothpaste. She watched him leave and felt something in her stomach she hadn't felt since Eddy O'Reilly asked her to the prom her junior year of high school.

……………………………………………………………

"I don't understand why he has to be here. They have guards here," whined Jimmy Ross pacing back and forth. Detective Logan had been there to escort him in for his meeting with Skoda, and Jimmy knew he was waiting for him to come out.

Skoda sighed. "He's got a special interest in you, Jimmy. He just wants to make sure that everything is well handled."

He gestured as best he could with his hands manacled in front of him. "I don't even know Detective Logan. I'm not accused of doing anything to him. This is none of his business."

"Jimmy, this is part of the disconnect we talked about earlier. Logan cares about people you have hurt; therefore he is impacted by your actions. This is personal to him. Your actions translate beyond the impact they have in your own life. Logan's reaction is common for a socialized human being."

"I want a restraining order."

Skoda smiled. "No can do, Jimmy. Its part of what you give up when you break the law and end up in jail. Now sit down please. Detective Logan is going to be outside this room the whole time. He's not coming in unless you have trouble with behavior."

Jimmy slumped into a chair. "There is no respect for mental illness in the legal system. We're thrown in with regular criminals and treated as if we were in full control of our faculties."

"Actually, I believe that very few people end up in that situation. You can be mentally ill and bad at the same time. There are very few people that actually don't know that their actions were injurious to others."

He scraped his manacled hands onto the table and folded them together. "I would have expected better from you, Dr. Skoda."

He chuckled. "I'm not your therapist. I'm just here to assess your competence for trial."

"It will be a kangaroo court. She has a distinctly unfair advantage. And she manipulates. Everyone thinks she's a good cop, but she strung me along."

"You aware that forensics came back. They found your DNA on the nightgown she wore, your prints all over the room where she was held, and we have her eyewitness testimony. It doesn't look good, Jimmy."

He leaned forward. "Do you want to know what really happened?"

Skoda cocked his head. "More than anything else, Jimmy."

He tapped his finger on the tabletop. "I am a victim here. She's been gaslighting me."

Skoda felt something odd settle in his gut. "Start from the beginning."

"I met her through Ronald Wick. He was also mentally ill. We'd met online through a support group. Ronald was having trouble. He was stalking his girlfriend. She disappeared and then turned up dead. I had no reason to believe Ronald would do something like that so I stuck by him, I even offered to watch his daughter while he was being questioned by Detective Goren and Eames."

Skoda settled back, his hands folded in his lap. He could tell it was going to be a long story.

"Detective Eames showed up when Ronald was there. It was frightening. He pulled a gun on her and she on him. I was forced to sit on the couch, and watch the entire thing unfold. Detective Eames was fearless. She took him on and she won. But the trauma…something changed for me. It was my first psychotic break. I wasn't the same. I began to obsess about her. I couldn't forget her bravery. I started to follow her. It was stalking. I admit it. At first, she told me it was inappropriate to see me, but then she allowed it. It was very confusing for me. I took her some place expensive for dinner, but she wasn't interested in me. She talked about her partner. I now believe that she had dinner with me in order to make Detective Goren jealous. I left bewildered. My obsession with her hadn't changed, but I didn't realize that she wanted to use me. I sent her flowers, candy, and I went to her home. She didn't seem frightened. Instead of dealing with the situation legally as any normal person might, she sent her partner, Detective Goren. I think this speaks for itself. She wanted Detective goren to intervene on her behalf. She wanted his attention. I understand now that what happened at my home was another psychotic break. Detective Goren was in the same room three months after my first trauma, and he had a gun. It was Ronald Wick all over again. I believed he was threatening me when he asked me to stop seeing his partner. I panicked. I thought he would do me harm. I was delusional. I attacked him."

Skoda sighed. "Jimmy, I am not asking you to prepare your defense for me. I don't care about all this."

Jimmy jerked in frustration. "They were using me, Dr. Skoda. She wasn't afraid of me. She was using me. Ask yourself why she left police protection. Ask yourself how I was supposedly able to find her at the pier. Ask yourself how I was able to so easily overpower her and take her hostage."

"I'm not investigating your crimes, just your psyche. Did you know it was wrong to take Detective Eames? Did you understand your actions?"

"It wasn't that simple. I was simply defending myself. She played a game, she triggered my illness, and I was unable to control the consequences."

"Nobody's going to believe that Detective Eames was a willing participant in her own kidnapping and rape."

He slammed his handcuffs on the table. "It was too late by then. I was not of this reality. She had pushed me too far. Her games had sent me over the edge."

"I don't believe that you can prove that Detective Eames…tricked you."

"And I don't believe that you can prove that she didn't, and that's all I need."

"Jimmy, your thinking is too organized. This is not helping your defense."

"I'm not trying to be a diagnosis for you. I want you to know the truth."

Skoda chuckled. "I like you, Jimmy. You make my job fun."

"This is my life, Dr. Skoda."

"Which is why I'm surprised you feel the need to treat it like a bad novel. No one is going to believe this nonsense."

Jimmy glared at him. "I have money. I have prestige. And my friends have not abandoned me. You would be surprised who's buying my so-called nonsense."

He raised his eyebrows. "What are you saying there?"

"Read the Post tomorrow, Dr. Skoda. Then tell me who pays attention to what."

"You're kidding? Your lawyer isn't going to let you do this."

"Think again. Besides, it's too late to stop it."

………………………………………………………………….

This time she let him sleep and she was happy for it as she drove the coastal highway back to New York City. She needed to be alone with her thoughts. It had been a nice day. The two of them had brunch, and then a stroll down to the lighthouse. It was cold and she had nothing but a coat and her thin dress. The wind blew through her bare legs, but she didn't say anything. She was intrigued with his enthusiasm. He wanted to show her places he had spent time as a young man. He took her out past the lighthouse and the icy wind whipped fiercely at them. He stood behind her pointing toward an island that he had sailed to one summer in college. She had trouble seeing it, and so he leaned over her shoulder and tried to help her find it. It was then in his proximity to her that he realized she was shivering. Instinctively, he put his arms around her and held her against his body. It felt good to have his body against hers and a lot less awkward than she had ever imagined. She leaned into him, and let him walk her back to the car, his arm holding her tightly to his side.

She wasn't confident about any of this. Everything logical in her said that this was a risky proposition at best. They were both vulnerable, feeling things that could possibly fade as time made them stronger. They were also risking the delicate balance they had built over the years. Yet Alex realized that the die was cast; there was no way to walk away from their feelings at this point.

She looked over at him sleeping, his head wedged between the backrest and the window. He looked sweet like this, and she was reminded of the truly gentle man he could be. She smiled as she realized that, in many ways, she felt as protective toward him as he did toward her. Jimmy was in jail. The forensics were good. They had her eyewitness testimony. She hoped this would be a time when the two of them could concentrate on something other than the drama of Jimmy Ross.

He groaned and shifted in his seat, an arm stretched out and his hand landed on the emergency brake between them. She dropped her hand lightly onto his forearm and let it rest there. Under her breath, she whispered, "Let's be careful, Bobby. Losing you would be tragedy on a scale of which I surely would not recover."

Bobby felt the pressure on his arm and heard her softly whispered words. He kept his eyes closed, and quietly thought to himself, "I would never to that, Eames. I promise you."

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Logan, this is not helping. Calm down for a moment."

The guard let Jimmy scoot behind him.

Logan ignored Skoda. "So Jimmy, I hear you told a story to the tabloids. Those weasels have been calling me all afternoon. You think I'm going to let you get away with that? Think again, Jimmy."

The guard shifted before Logan. "Come on, Detective. They don't like it when I don't bring the prisoners back alive."

Logan lunged at Ross who crouched in a corner of the room. "Come here, Jimmy. I just want to talk with you for a few minutes."

"Logan!" Skoda roared. "Let go of him!"

The door behind him opened and Carolyn Barek walked into the room. Skoda pointed at Logan and yelled, "Stop him!"

Barek waded in past the guard and grabbed Logna's arm. In a low voice, she snapped, "Let go of him now. We don't have time for this nonsense!"

He jerked his arm away, but stopped, breathing hard over Jimmy Ross curled up on the floor. "He doesn't stop hurting people. He never stops."

"And this is a surprise for you." Barek frowned at him and pushed him aside, standing over Ross. She knelt down. "Hi Jimmy. Remember me? Remember when I was laying down, terrified. Now its you lying there, and I have the power. What does that feel like, Jimmy?"

He refused to meet her eye. Skoda stepped up and motioned for Logan to back away. Barek poked Jimmy with her shoe and he yelped. A slow smile spread across her face. "This is a good education for you. It's a powerful thing to do to another person. It makes you wonder what gives one person the right to hurt another."

He inched away from her. Barek sighed and let him slink away. She leaned back on her heels and stood up. "He'll never really understand."

Skoda shook his head. "He's probably not wired to understand empathy."

Logan growled, "I'd be happy to rewire him."

Barek gave him a long suffering look. "You know, acting like a Mafia goon is not your best quality."

"Yeah, but it's my most satisfying one."

Skoda snorted and nodded to the guard, "Get him out of here."

The guard didn't hesitate. He pulled Ross to his feet and pushed him toward the door. Logan turned to Skoda, "Those tabloids will print anything. You know that. He can still hurt her."

Barek shook her head. "She's too strong for him, Mike. I put my money on Alex any day of the week."

Logan threw his arms up. "So we're not going to do anything?"

"There's not much we can do," Skoda said. "Look. I know bulldozing is your one solution to all problems, but I think this situation requires a little more reflection."

"Skoda's right, Mike. We need to think about this."

Logan gave a gasp of exasperation. "Thinking's overrated, People. Let's get out of here." Without waiting for any acknowledgement, he headed out the door.

………………………………………………………………………………….

"I could come back just to see that you're all right."

She shook her head. "Space is good. We both have a lot to think about."

He nodded. "Okay. What do we do now?"

"Um, I go up to my apartment, and you go into at work, and we'll talk later." She readjusted the seat for him before getting out of the SUV. Outside, she took a few steps and then stopped. She turned around and headed back to the car. Bobby opened the door for her. She grabbed his arm. Bobby, you mean so much to me." She couldn't seem to say anything more and just stood there.

He cupped her chin. "I always find truth in your eyes, Alex. I always find goodness and compassion and courage. I'm just happy to be part of that with you."

She smiled, warmed by his hand on her face. "You're such a dork, Goren. You know that, don't you?"

He chuckled and watched as she slipped away and trotted into the entrance to her building.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

Bobby found them all at Flanagan's ignoring the pitcher of beer in front of them. Logan looked up and waved him over. Deakins signaled for another mug. Bobby sat down between Barek and Skoda. Carver had a newspaper in his hand. When Bobby sat down, Carver pushed it toward him.

It was the Post with a big tabloid style headline: Crazed Killer or Innocent Dupe? Ross Tells All. There was a spliced photo of Alex standing next to Jimmy Ross. She had her arms folded and clearly looked like she was in charge.

Goren looked up, "You're kidding, right?"

Carver sighed. "We got an advance copy. It comes out in a few hours."

Bobby scanned past the headline. He turned to the inside for a few moments, and then slammed it down on the table. "This is insane!"

"We can use it against him in court."

"And until then, Alex has to dodge innuendo and speculation. This is too much." Bobby was on his feet again and grabbed the tabloid. Logan got up too, feeding on Goren's energy.

"I gotta go talk to her about this."

Deakins shook his head. "He's made allegations about your relationship with her. You better stay away."

"I'll go." Logan said.

Goren squeezed his eyes shut and threw out his arms. "This is crazy. Really. She didn't do anything. We are not going to let them victimize her."

Barek leaned toward Deakins. "He's right, you know. We can't treat her like she did something wrong."

Deakins sighed. "Go easy. We're not careful we could end up making it worse for her."

Goren whirled around and headed out the door. Logan moved as if to follow, but he caught Barek's eye and stopped. Looking around frustrated, he spotted the barmaid, and ordered whiskey double on the rocks.

……………………………………………………….

She opened her door and blinked at the harsh light of the hallway.

"You were sleeping," he said.

"Yeah. It's nice to be sleeping again."

"I'm sorry to be here so late. I need to talk to you about something."

She stood aside and let him in. He went straight into her living room and sat down, gesturing for her to sit beside him. He pulled the tabloid out of his coat and showed it to her. Alex had a puzzled look on her face as she looked over the newspaper. Then she gasped and turned to the inside of the paper. Her breath quickened, and when she finished the article, she closed her eyes.

Tentatively, he put a hand on her back and started to stroke between her shoulder blades softly. "I'm sorry. He shouldn't be allowed to do this, and they shouldn't be dumb enough to print it."

"They have printed this?"

He nodded. "It will be on newsstands in a couple of hours."

"He says I manipulated him. He says that this was all a ploy to get your attention."

"It's a scandal sheet. Most New Yorkers won't pay any attention."

"What about the ones who have been wondering about us all along? What about them? People have always speculated about us. This will just confirm what they have always thought. And then last night…well, now we're nothing more than hypocrites."

"We didn't do anything wrong. We have never deceived people about who we are to one another."

She shook her head sharply. "But that's exactly what we're going to do."

He took her by the shoulders and turned her toward him. "You did not manipulate him. You did not try to make me jealous, and we are not trying to hide anything from anyone. What is happening between us is between us. We are not obligated to invite the whole world in on our feelings."

"I think I'm too tired for this. He is relentless. I think about him, and I just…get so tired."

A feeling crept into Goren's gut. "Is it tired like you felt when he told you to submit or die?"

Tears sprang from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "I just don't have that much fight left in me. I should be safe by now. He held me six weeks, and I've been back a week now, and right now, I feel like I did, tied to that bed, waiting for him to come and hurt me."

He folded her into his chest and let her sob. He rocked her and let her take time working through her fear and anger. She finally lifted her head and looked at him. "I want to feel strong again. I want to be in control."

"Give it time, Eames. You haven't really had time to recover."

She looked at him, and in his gut he knew that she was not only too vulnerable for Jimmy, she was too vulnerable for him as well. Slowly, he disengaged. "I should probably go. Would you like me to take you to your mother's?"

She shook her head. "I make my last stand here."

He shook his head slowly. "There is no last stand, Alex. You fight for a new beginning. You understand me?"

She nodded.

"I'll call Carolyn. She would love to come and spend some time with you."

Alex started to protest, but Bobby raised a hand. "Please, it's hard to be left alone with all of these feeling. She will understand. It will be good for you to be around someone like that."

She walked with him to the door. "It's good for you to keep some distance. It's better this way. There's no sense in both of us being slandered."

"I'll call tomorrow. I'll call every day. I'm not giving up. We're going to beat him. He's going down hard, Alex. You can count on it."

She opened the door and he was leaning over to kiss her on the cheek when there was an explosion of light. He jerked away in time to see three reporters in the hallways pointing cameras at him and Alex. Questions came at them like gunfire.

"How long have the two of you been involved?"

"Do you think this ruins the credibility of the D.A.'s case?"

"Did you know Ross was mentally ill when you started dating him?"

……………………………………………………………………….

TBC