15

A/N: It's been a long, tough week. My only solace really are the words I write here. Thanks so much for the feedback. It is wonderful to hear from so many of you. You took the edge of a stressful week. Nothing serious. Just too much of everything. I have two-three more chapters, and then we put this to bed. I think it will be hard to let go of.

Sheila

Control

Chapter 15

They stood around the two SUV's, hands burrowed deep in pockets, stamping their feet on the cold asphalt, and generally not coming to a consensus on anything. Alex was ready to ditch the whole lot of them and go on her own. But she restrained herself as she was the problem at hand, and if she didn't solve it, they were going to make it difficult for her to do much of anything.

"It's a lousy idea. You should know better, Skoda. Hell, I do and I haven't ever taken a psych class." Deakins growled.

"I have to take the other side, I'm afraid. The more evidence we gather, the less stress it will be on Detective Eames at the trial," Carver countered, rubbing his gloved hands together.

Skoda shrugged. "It's a risk, but you'll be mistaken if you think this is your decision to make. Alex is at a point of crisis. She's going to call the shots whether we want her to or not."

Deakins turned to Alex. "This isn't right. You can't expose yourself like this. It's not going to help anything. Let us do the thinking. We're not…we're clear-headed."

She stood there, almost a foot shorter than anyone else in the circle. Her face was pale, shadows curving hollows under her eyes. She was thinner than she had been since she was 16 years old, and it seemed like she might blow away in the right wind. But those grey-green eyes were still fierce as she faced her captain. "I'm going with or without you."

Deakins glared at Skoda who shrugged at him and asked, "Your solution to this?"

Everyone got quiet. The only other solution was to hospitalize her, and while everyone including Alex had considered it, no one was willing to voice it. Alex turned to the end of the parking lot where Bobby was, pacing back and forth, warring with himself. It was no secret what he thought. He had become silent and withdrawn ever since she began insisting on the journey. Deakins began to complain that he should never have let Skoda into the 'damn squad room in the first place' when she broke away and walked over to him. He looked up as she approached, and burst out with, "It's a dumb idea!"

She dug her hands into her pockets. "Then why aren't you over there arguing?"

He pointed at her. "Because I can see the look in your eye. You're going no matter what anyone says."

She bit her lip and looked down at the ground. "Are you going to make me go alone?"

"I don't think you're ready. Hell, I don't think…No! I know I'm not ready to go back there."

She stamped her foot hard on the asphalt and made a sweeping gesture of frustration. "I want it out! I want it out now! I'm strong enough and I can't live with the questions. I want to know! Help me, Bobby. Damn you!"

He moved toward her, reaching out his hand to touch her. "Then give it a couple—"

She pulled away from his fingers in annoyance and stalked back toward the other men discussing her well being and what was right and wrong for her. The keys were in the ignition already. She wasn't going to wait for any more discussion. She would climb in and go. They could follow or call the state patrol or put out an APB or whatever the hell satisfied their patronization of her life.

Bobby trotted up alongside her. "I know what you're going to do. And I'm going with you, but I want you to know that being stubborn is not the right answer to this situation."

She flipped her head at him and retorted, "Neither is treating me like I'm fourteen years old."

"Okay, that's not even close to what's going on right now."

She swallowed hard and headed for the driver's seat, but Deakins beat her to it. He gestured for her to climb into the back. Carver got into the other car, and Bobby started to climb in after Alex when Skoda stopped him. "I think I should ride with her. You can ride with Carver."

Bobby's face screwed up with all the frustration that was building inside him. "The hell?"

Skoda stood his ground. "Like it or not, I am the mental health professional in her life right now. She needs to process what I did with her yesterday."

Alex leaned forward. "I'm sorry, Bobby, but he's right. He and I…we have to finish what we started."

He walked away, shaking his head and for a moment, she was afraid he wasn't going to go at all, but he yanked the passenger door open in Carver's truck and climbed in.

…………………………………………………………………………..

By the time they got to the entrance of the basement, Eames was nothing like the fierce woman was ready to do this by herself. Trembling had taken hold in her limbs, and her eyes were wide and wet. She immediately searched for Bobby's eyes. His anger softened at her fear, and he went over and put an arm around her protectively. "I'll be there every step of the way."

She nodded and flipped on the light, taking the stairs as if they could collapse at any moment. The scene was pretty much as they left and the stench left from the bodily fluids was intense. Ever prepared, Bobby pulled out Vaseline for her to rub inside her nose. He, the man of a thousand smells, left his nose open to the assault.

She got to the bottom of the stairs and stood, surveying the scene; there was an old stairmaster and an elliptical machine. There was a boxing bag shoved in a corner. It was a dank and bleak place, the cream colored paint on the walls doing nothing to lessen the isolation of it.

She walked gingerly around the room and then crouched, looking sideways at the boxing bag. She put a hand on the cold cement and closed her eyes. Bobby crouched beside her. "This is where he lay you down on the floor, isn't it?"

Eyes closed, her face screwed up tightly and she nodded. She took a deep breath and let it out through her mouth. "The pulley was on the floor next to my head."

Bobby looked at the hook suspended from the ceiling and then back at the ground. "Are you sure? It wasn't already hanging. See, we thought the hook was for the boxing bag, but I can see now that it's different. But you're saying that the pulley was on the ground."

"He was having trouble deciding how to position me. He brought the pulley down to test it."

Bobby nodded, working to keep his rage in check. She had lain on the floor, cold and helpless, watching while he methodically planned her execution.

"He dragged the pulley past me at one point, and it got caught in my hair. There might still hair in it."

Bobby leaned back on his heels. It was clear that finding the pulley was going to be important. Deakins caught his eye, and started looking around the room for it. Skoda and Carver stood at the bottom of the stairs watching her intently.

"He was starting to pull on the rope when Latinka came in. She was upset…sort of babbling. She said that this was not the right way to do it. She kept at him. He yelled at her to quiet down, told her to remember her place. I remember she got quiet for a moment, and then she said that she thought it would ruin the basement forever. She said that the floor was porous, and there was bound to be spillage no matter how much plastic they put down. Jimmy likes his place to be spotless. She finally got to him with the idea that the mess would be unmanageable. She told him that if he helped her get me into her trunk, she would hit me with the tire iron and dump me over a bridge. She told him she wanted to prove that he was right to take her back."

She bit her lip and her eyes were far away for a time. He squeezed her shoulder and didn't move.

"They hefted me into the trunk and Latinka pulled out the tire iron. She asked him if he wanted her to kill me in front of him. I don't remember what he said, but then she told him that he should stand back in case of blood spatter. He said something about doing it outside of the garage. Good ol' fussy Jimmy: he couldn't stand the thought of someone's blood getting all over his things. She was good. She was really convincing."

"She drove for a while, and then stopped the car. I thought that this was it. I was actually not afraid. I think I just was happy it wasn't Jimmy doing it. She opened the trunk and started talking to me. It took me a couple of minutes to understand that she was going to help me, not kill me."

She started to deflate a little and she leaned into the hand he had on her shoulder. "I don't know how much more I can remember."

Skoda stepped forward. "This is more than good. Don't worry."

"She asked me a question. I remember that. She asked me…"

Alex looked directly into Bobby's eyes. "She asked me what she needed to give the police. She said the police always believe Jimmy."

Bobby stared at her intently, and then she breathed in sharply. "Oh God, I remember. I know what I told her." Her eyes closed. "I told her to get the pulley. I told her it was important evidence."

"You didn't know," He responded automatically.

Her breathe heaved in and out. "I told her to go back to that monster's house to get the pulley. She asked me what to do."

"You were drugged. You didn't know." He shook his head empathetically, his eyes glued to hers.

She began to hyperventilate. "I told her to go back and she did, and he hung her from the ceiling. Oh God!"

Skoda was there on the floor with them. "Remember the breathing exercise. You're going to pass out if you don't slow down. Get a paper bag," he yelled over his shoulder. Deakins was already pounding up the stairs.

Bobby gathered her into his arms. "Breathe with me, Honey. Breathe with me." His body enveloped hers entirely, and he put his cheek against hers. "It's okay. We'll breathe together, Baby. It's okay. I understand. You didn't know. You couldn't know. He tried to kill you and you focused on the one thing you could remember. It's all right. She understands. She has to. Both of you were so brave. Together, you're going to beat him. It's true. You and Latinka are quite a team."

Deakins bounced down the stairs with a bag, but by then, she had settled into his embrace, and her breathing had slowed. Bobby pulled her to her feet, and wrapped his arm around her torso, walking her up the stairs. Bobby gestured at Skoda at the top of the stairs. "We need to search the house. Can you take her out to the car?"

He nodded and wrapped an arm around her. She seemed reluctant to let go of Bobby, but she did, and went with the psychiatrist out to the SUV.

Bobby, Deakins, and Carver each took part of the house. It was only twenty minutes later that Deakins emerged from the garage, holding the pulley wearing latex gloves. They gathered around it, and Carver shined a flashlight on it. Two long blonde hairs clung to the hinge. Carver smiled wide and shook his head. They carefully bagged it and headed back to the city.

………………………………………………………………………………….

How Logan managed to get all of the nurses from that station into the same room at the same time was a miracle as far as Barek was concerned, but there they were, standing and sitting, all of them impatient to get out of there. "Okay, Ladies, I need just a minute of your time."

A male nurse cleared his throat and glared at Logan who put up his hands in surrender. "My mistake."

Barek stepped in. "All of you worked this station during the time that Bobby Goren was a patient here, and we need your help. We're looking for a cell phone charger that was on the nurses' station around that time."

One nurse built like a Mack truck looked at them out of the corner of her eye. "You pulled us all in here because someone lost their charger."

"No, it's more than that," Logan explained. "Listen, it's complicated, but it will help in our murder investigation. Please."

Barek pulled one out of her pocket. "It looks like this. It was on the counter at the nurse's station. It was used to charge Bobby Goren's phone."

Another nurse, arms folded tightly across her chest. "We don't let patients use their cell phones in the hospital."

Logan narrowed his eyes at those gathered. Nurses were notoriously hard to intimidate. They did incredibly hard work, and tended to treat their floor like a mini-fiefdom. Logan had dated too many nurses not to have some sense that pushing them would go no where.

"The charger might have been one of yours, but I am betting that it was someone else's."

"We can't use our cells on shift either," said the large nurse.

"Sometimes people leave things behind. Maybe you have to confiscate cells and chargers from patients from uncooperative patients." Barek leaned forward, her soft voice pulling them in.

"I remember the charger sitting on the counter," said the male nurse. "I can't remember though where it came from."

"Does anyone remember who put it there?"

The nurses looked around at one another and shook their heads.

"So someone just put it there and walked away?" Logan's voice betrayed his impatience.

"Maybe," said the nurse he had secretly named Mack Mama. "We don't have a lot of time on shift. I don't know if you've ever noticed."

Barek sensed the pending doom and stepped in again. "Does anyone know what happened to it?"

"That would be Ellen," came a voice from the back. "She's our organizer."

A short nurse with red hair and freckles sat up. "Yeah, I think I put it in lost and found."

Barek's heart skipped a beat. "Could you check to see if it's still there?"

Ellen got up and left the room. A moment later, she reappeared with the charger in hand. Logan scooped it up into a plastic bag and grinned at the small, pudgy nurse. "You hit one out of the park, Ellen. Your next traffic ticket is on me." Logan pulled a card out of his breast pocket and bestowed it on the stunned woman. He didn't wait for a response. He turned on his heels and headed for the elevator leaving Barek to thank the nurses for their time.

…………………………………………………………..

Deakins ordered in half the menu from Taj of India, and then tossed his credit card at them as if ordering $178 worth of take out was a daily occurrence. Ron Carver sat on the phone in Deakins' office while his wife explained to him in much detail how she had never signed up to be a single mother to his children. To his credit, he listened patiently and didn't once contradict her. Logan had followed the charger and pulley down to the lab and was undoubtedly parked on someone's shoulder at that very moment asking inane questions about how long it was going to take. Barek had settled herself next to Alex, and the two women sat in a companionable silence ignoring the food constantly pushed in their direction by Deakins. Bobby was threw some significant looks in Skoda's direction until he finally pushed his biryani away with a sigh and followed Goren into Interrogation.

Bobby paced the room for a moment before speaking. "I don't understand what you're doing. We wouldn't have even gone there if you hadn't pushed."

"I didn't push, Bobby, but I also didn't hold her back. There's a difference, and now we have what may prove to be a valuable piece of evidence."

"One session with you and she's already exploring memories. It's too fast for her. Can't you see that? Did you really look at her out there?"

"She is moving fast."

"Then why are you allowing it?"

"Because control is the biggest thing that Jimmy took from her, and we shouldn't exacerbate that by continuing to co-opt her decisions. PTSD sufferers are much better at thinking for themselves than we ever give them credit for."

Bobby jerked his head impatiently. "It's hard to watch her like this."

"And it's hard for her to watch you like this."

He threw his hands up. "What does that mean!"

"She doesn't want to disappoint you. Do you understand how powerful that is?"

Bobby stopped moving and stared at him. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"She's moving too fast because she wants it over, but did you ever think that she might also be pushing things so that she's not just another disturbed woman in your life. Maybe she can't handle the idea that you might have to take care of her."

"Did she say that?"

Skoda shook his head. "I can't tell you what she said, but I don't need a closed session with her to see how she craves her independence, her competence. I don't think she's going to get better until she's allowed to walk on her own two feet."

Bobby stared down at the table.

"I know this is not about your partnership anymore. Everyone knows. We can see it in every look the two of you give each other."

"If I let go, I'm afraid I'll lose her."

Skoda nodded. "Because she'll spiral out of control or because she'll discover she doesn't need you?"

He shook his head and settled into a chair slowly. "Either, both, I'm not sure."

For awhile the two of them sat in silence. Then Bobby looked at him and said, "She's my one chance, Emil, my one chance at being one of those people who looks forward to tomorrow."

"Bobby, she's facing her fears. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that you do the same."

………………………………………………………………………………

Logan came barreling up the stairs about an hour later, lab reports in hand. He waved them at all gathered, a big grin on his face. Alex felt a rush of joy rise up within her. It felt powerful against the deep sorrow that enveloped her so entirely.

"We got a match!"

"With what?" Bobby tried to grab at the reports but Logan danced away.

"Everything. We have Alex's hair on the pulley, we have Jimmy's fingerprints. On the charger, we have evidence of tampering…and Jimmy's fingerprints!"

"Whoa!" Deakins roared. "A forensics Christmas!"

"We're going to take that skinny little worm and string him—" Logan realized what he said and stopped. For a moment, silence reigned.

Alex knew it was for her, and she struggled to reassure them all. She gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "You can do whatever you want to him. I'm all about having Jimmy Ross suffer."

She settled back into her seat, putting her hands under the table so the trembling wouldn't be detected.

Bobby took his moment, and snatched the reports out of Logan's hands. He walked away reading them intently.

"You do think I will get a look at them at some point?" An annoyed Carver said to Deakins.

"So what do you think, Counselor?" Deakins asked ignoring his irritation.

"I think I'm going to amend the indictment to include capital murder, attempted murder, and for fun, I'll throw in another assault charge."

"Any chance he'll make a deal," she spoke softly, but all eyes turned to her as if she had shouted it.

"Would you be satisfied with life in prison for Mr. Ross? It's about the only leverage I would have."

She nodded. "It would be nice to not have a trial."

Bobby walked toward them. "It would be a tough sell. Jimmy is really going to want a trial. He's going to want a show."

"We put all this evidence in front of him, and he's bound to know the jig is up. He's not going to want to go to the chair." Logan countered.

"He's a narcissist among other things. They're not great long term thinkers. It's all about instant gratification."

"Then we have to convince Jimmy that a trial wouldn't serve him," Barek offered.

"How do we do that? He's nuttier than a fruitcake. Goren just said he's not big into reason." Deakins said.

"We'll embarrass him," Alex said.

Again, everything stopped. Bobby's eyes narrowed and he thought about it for a moment before breaking out in a grin. "That's perfect! Eames, you're brilliant!" He rounded the table and hugged her from behind causing her to emit a rather alarming "oomph!" He backed away quickly, but pointed at her, saying, "That's my girl!"

Deakins didn't know whether to smile at his exuberance or cuff him for assaulting his still fragile partner. Logan compensated by going over to stand next to her and fixing Goren with a glare.

Carolyn jumped in. "Where do we start? His business dealings? Relationships with women?"

Bobby nodded. "Maybe. We need something that he can't refute with character witnesses."

"We need to focus on his ineffectiveness as a rapist, as a lover. He sees them as the same things." She waited for the room to freeze as it inevitably did when she spoke.

Bobby slid into a chair across from her and looked into her eyes. "I think we'll find another way."

She shook her head. "You're going to need me for this. I'm prepared to do it."

Exasperated, Skoda spoke up, "Okay, you two, the rest of us are not up to speed on your short hand. What are you talking about?"

Bobby sat back and swept the room with his hand. "Tell them. Tell 'em what you're thinking."

"We make a meeting with Jimmy. I go in with Carver. I give him a sample of what I'm going to do to him on the stand." Alex said.

Deakins whirled on his heel, a concerned look on his face. "I'm with Goren on this."

Bobby pointed at Skoda. "He can do this."

Skoda nodded. "I see where you're going with this. I write a report and give him a taste. I describe a narcissistic personality with a weak ego. He can't control a woman until he has her tied and drugged. I talk about his fear. I can recount the story Logan told about finding him cowering in the shower terrified when he came to serve the warrant. I can describe a sociopathic personality that will leave him pretty frustrated."

"Sounds good. This is a plan then." Bobby stood up.

Alex looked at Carver. "It's not enough. If we want to get him, we have to go all out. I should be there. I want to show him that I can do a little castration of my own."

"And then what? Huh?" Bobby slammed his hands on the table. Alex jumped. "You can't handle this and I can't watch."

"Sit down, Bobby!" Logan shouted.

"No! Why Alex? Why? You've been through so much."

Her eyes were feverishly bright. "I owe her."

He closed his eyes. "It's not…the right reason. Destroying what's left of your sanity does her no good."

"Well, maybe you could get me a room next to your mom. It'll save you a trip."

Bobby shook his head at her and backed away. He started to say something, but stopped and walked away from them all.

Alex squeezed her eyes shut, moisture gathering at the corners. She swallowed hard and turned to Carver. "Can we do this tomorrow? I think the sooner the better."

……………………………………………………………………………..

It was an hour before he returned. He found her coat and handed it to her and she silently followed him out the door. She told him she wanted to go home, and he knew she wouldn't spend another night in that high rise monstrosity they had used to hide her. He parked the car and followed her in. She didn't question him. He had come to a decision about where he was going to spend the night and she accepted it.

She pulled an old t-shirt over her head and climbed into bed. He sat on the other side of the bed staring down at the floor. "Why are you pulling away from me?"

She rolled to face him. "I'm just fighting for myself, Bobby. I stand strong against him and I win a thousand victories."

"You need to be prepared to fight him like this. You're still so…fragile."

She let out a noise of impatience. "I don't accept that. I stand now. It'll help me recover."

He shook his head and swung his legs onto the bed facing her. "Why are you in such a hurry? This takes time."

"Why are you so patient, Bobby? Why can't you get frustrated like everyone else? Do you prefer me like this?"

He flinched and she knew she cut him deeply, but she couldn't seem to stop herself. "You're so good with vulnerability. You're so gentle and kind. Maybe this is what attracts you to me. Maybe we would have never crossed boundaries if I hadn't needed you so much."

He lifted his head, a pained look on his face. "Is that what you really think?"

She buried her face in the pillow for a moment. "I don't know, Bobby. I have all of these fears and thoughts running through my head. Everything is so vivid and ugly. She went back to the house because I told her to. What if I had told her to just drive down to the city, and we would've called you, and he would have been arrested in a few hours. Latinka could have been another witness to his atrocities. This would have been so differ—"

He reached over and covered her mouth. "Stop it. Please. Don't do this. You couldn't know. You just couldn't know."

She let out a cry into his hand, and twisted her head away. "She helped me and I sent her to die."

He pulled his hand away and watched her for a moment. "So…maybe you feel like this is a just punishment for you. You sacrifice your mental health to Jimmy as penance for what happened to Latinka."

She pulled the comforter over her face and sobbed into the cotton. He scooted over and put his arms around her and let her cry into his shoulder. "She wouldn't want this. She wouldn't. If you had been in her shoes, and she sent you down the wrong road, you would understand. I know you would. And this Latinka…well, clearly she was special. I know she would understand."

She started talking into the fabric of his t-shirt. "What if I can't get through this? You get saddled with another ill woman in your life. I know you. You won't walk away. You'll stick with me, and I'll come to resent it because I can't stand the idea of being a burden. You need to learn to think about yourself and what you need. You deserve someone healthy. You deserve someone kind and good; someone you can give all of your gentle strength to. I'm a bad bet, Bobby."

He stroked her hair and whispered into her ear. "Honey, you're the only game in town for me. You're not the only stubborn one around. You hear me? I have expectations of you. I want you to take of yourself because I'm going to need you when this is all over. You don't think I'm going to have a breakdown at some point? You don't think you haven't been keeping me from jumping off a cliff the last five years of my life? Honey, you got nothing over me when it comes to mental illness."

She lifted her head and looked at him. "God, we're a pair, aren't we?"

"Let's stop fighting this, okay? I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not letting you walk away without a fight."

She fingered a salty curl. "It's going to be a tough night. Can you remember some Whitman for me?"

He tightened his grip around her body. "I can barely remember my name right now. I think you're just going to have to settle for some Goren. Turn around, Baby. I like whispering into the hair on the back of your neck."

She spooned him, and groaned as his beard tickled her neck. "Let's see. How about we start with a little free verse? Okay. Sturdy as in powerful, certain, you walk through your day, leading me in all things. So sly, so subtle, no one sees your tremendous power, but I follow because I know that all things true lie within you. My eyes learned to smile when I met you, they are such little devils, they spy on you when you don't notice, they admire you and tease my nose about the sweetness of the scent at that point where your neck meets your shoulder. My mouth dreams of your skin, imagines different ways to worship it, pleasure it, own it…"

They both mercifully fell into a dreamless sleep, secure in the notion of each other's protection.

…………………………………………………………………

TBC