This was orginally written before the airing of the Hive. I have hopefully updated to match the story as it was presented. As always I do not own these characters.

All FB is welcome

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John leaned heavily on the railing of his favorite spot overlooking the ocean. Normally coming here help him to sort things out, put things in prospective. But, tonight there was no sorting out to be had.

The last few months had been a series of near death experiences one after another. The attack of the city by the Wraith. The attack by Ellia and his conversion into a walking, talking life sucking bug.

Then meeting Ford and being forced to go along with his foolhardy plan to destroy the Wraith hive ship. The last one was the real killer, almost literally not just for him but for his entire team as well - Rodney, Ronan and Teyla.

John sighed and raked his hand through his already unruly hair making it stand even more at attention. What was he thinking? It was okay to put himself on the line, but his team...Teyla. The thought of her being culled by the Wraith or worse made him shiver in spite of the warmth of the night.

Teyla

The kiss in the gym (the kiss that he was to think nothing about) had left him, well doing just that – thinking. The events of the past days resurfaced - almost dying on the hive ship, escaping with Ford's help, only to lose him again. They left him feeling more acutely protective of the ones in life he cared for, the 'one' he had come to love.

Teyla

His thoughts kept focusing back to her even as they pulled him from the cell his thoughts were not of himself, of how he could save himself, but of them...of her. He could not let her die on this ship not after surviving so long in the shadow of the Wraith. Her life had become so precious to him. Her friendship and maybe, he had hoped, her love.

After the kiss he had come to realize just how much Teyla meant to him. It was as if the retrovirus gave him a wake up call – helped him to see - no admit what his real feelings were for her. They say that some good can be found in all experiences and if that was so then that was it. Then his team is captured by Ford and his band of hopped up super jocks and he has to watch as his people, as Teyla, are forced to take the drug. Watch as the graceful, calm, dignified woman he had come to love turned into a killer Amazon and damn it was part of his doing. He didn't know if he could ever forgive himself for that - if Teyla ever would. He leaned back on the railing with a defeated sigh.

"Colonel"

John closed his eyes to the sound of her voice - rich, dripping with honey. But, he didn't turn around or respond...he couldn't.

"Colonel, do not blame yourself, you made the best choices possible under the circumstances."

She knew what he was feeling. She always knew. A sad smile barely broke across his lips.

"Yeah, but as always my choices suck." She moved to his side and he could feel rather than see her smile.

"Not always, I would hope. I for one am grateful that you made the choice to come to Atlantis."

John turned to her and was caught by the warmth and sincerity of her words, her smile. John returned it, in earnest.

"It was one of my better choices I do agree."

They both stood looking at each other, just smiling neither saying anything. John finally turned back to the rail.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Better. The drug is almost out of my system. Dr. Beckett said the worst of the side effects of the withdrawal process are past."

John flinched at the visual replay of watching Ford convulse on the floor of the Wraith cell, knowing that Teyla and Ronon were likely experiencing the same fate. Rodney, he learned on his return had taken a mega dose of the enzyme in order to save them, but his recovery had been a whole different nightmare. He shivered again and felt Teyla touch his arm, her hand still a little shaky.

"You did not forced us to take the drug, Ford did."

"Yeah, well I played along," John said though gritted teeth.

"We all agreed to the 'plan' Colonel, you did not order us to take the drug."

John slowly turned toward Teyla. "No, I guess I didn't, but it doesn't change the fact that I am responsible for the welfare of my team. You guys trusted that I could pull it off and everything went to hell!"

"You must understand how much we trust and respect you... how much I do. The team would have never backed your plan otherwise. Ronan threaten to kill Aiden if you died. He felt no regret for following you, no need to place blame."

"Ronan...did that?"

"Yes. He respects and trusts you as a true leader. He may voice his opinions strongly, but in the end he will always follow your lead."

John raked his hand though his hair again truly amazed by the trust his team placed in him, even Ronan. It would just make him try harder to steer them clear of trouble, to keep them safe...to keep Teyla safe. But, he was finding that harder and harder to do even on a good day.

John looked at Teyla opening his mouth to continue his whining and saw the trust and loyalty in her eyes. He knew that nothing he said would change it. It made his doubts seem trivial. John smiled and held his hands up in defeat.

"Okay, you win. You would make one mean attorney you know."

"Atto...?" Teyla started with eyebrow arched with her usual bemused expression.

John waved it off. "Never mind I'll explain it to you later," he sighed.

"Colonel..."

John stopped her by placing a finger gently to her lips. He ran his finger gently across her lips and then down her cheek, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Teyla, we're off the clock. You can call me John."

Electric silence fell between them. Teyla broke the moment.

"Alright John, it has been a long day for you, for all of us. Maybe it is best that we retire." She turned to leave and John grabbed her hand.

"Teyla, I need to know something. I need an honest answer from you."

Teyla turned slowly and faced him.

"The kiss...when I was infected, I...I know you said to think nothing of it but I do. I feel that in some small way I may have violated your friendship, your trust as a friend. They are both very special to me...you do know that?"

Teyla stepped closer to him. "That was not you, not entirely. The John Sheppard I know would never do anything to intentionally violate my trust or friendship." She gently laid a hand on his arm in reassurance.

John placed his own over hers. He looked into those eyes that were mirrors to his own soul. He never really realized until the kiss how much more she meant to him - so much more. But what if she didn't return his feelings?

"Teyla, you're right it was not me, 'entirely', but the part of me that was still there had/has wanted to kiss you for sometime. I guess it took the retrovirus to make me act on it. I just wanted to apologize for the forceful way it was done. I never meant to..."

This time it was Teyla that stopped John by placing her finger to his lips. The back gently brushed his cheek. She appeared to be struggling to find words.

"John...it doesn't matter really. It is over." She smiled at him, one of her radiant smiles that took his breath away.

"Really?"

"I must admit that I too have not been able to forget the kiss.

Although disturbing, it also awaken feelings I have been trying to deny for some time."

John's smile could have lit up the night. He grabbed her into a hug. When they pulled away they stood with their foreheads together.

John said, voice low, almost a whisper.

"Say it again... my name. Say it again."

"John", she whispered.

It was the sweetest sound he had ever heard. Her name on her lips, then, she smiled a smile full of promise. And this time when he kissed her he knew she wanted it as much as he. And it was just the beginning of more to come.