Carson sighed as he lay back on the bed. He could see Rodney's pain so clearly, he felt it within himself. However clever he might be, Rodney had always been unable to hide his feelings from Carson, and he could see it in the man's eyes when he looked at John. It was the same expression he knew that he so often wore. Rodney's eyes shone, and Carson saw a Rodney he thought he had lost. Rodney as he used to be in Antarctica, in those early days when every day brought new marvels and they discovered them together.
Back in those days when they spent each moment together, a common purpose, a common goal - Rodney had been different then, and so had Carson. Oh, he had protested against Rodney's dragging him to the lab at all hours of the day and night to activate some piece of Ancient technology, but secretly, he had been flattered by McKay's attention. There was something about the man, maybe his sheer unabashed confidence in his own intellect that made you willing to do anything for him. Well, it made Carson feel that way and he had allowed himself to entertain a hope that something more could come of their time spent together. But it had not taken long for him to realise that Rodney did not think of him in the terms he would have hoped for. Gently, he withdrew slightly from the other man, still a friend, still at his beck and call, and willing to do whatever he asked. He had never stopped loving Rodney, but tried to keep his feelings hidden, not to risk what they had for some stupid daydream.
And then daydreams had been swept away, as John had walked into his life, replacing what he could never have with something tangible. He smiled as he remembered their first meeting, the look on John's face as he encountered the man who moments before had tried to kill him. After this 'minor misunderstanding', it had not taken the two long to recognise in each other something that was missing in themselves. Together, they had faced what Atlantis had thrown at them in a way that alone, Carson felt he would not have been able to cope with. But always within him was the small voice that whispered that this couldn't be right. What was a man as handsome, as smart, as wonderful as John doing with him? John could have whoever he wanted on the base. Hell, from what they had seen of Pegasus so far, John could have who he wanted from the whole galaxy. And he had chosen Carson? The doctor shook his head, trying to shake the disturbing thoughts. But they remained, as clear as ever - Carson feared that John had chosen him because the only person he truly wanted was unavailable; John must have thought Rodney wasn't interested. Because he could see it in John's face too, the concern in his expression when he sits by Rodney's bedside in the infirmary, when he watches out for McKay on missions, and even when someone will cross Rodney in a meeting, Carson can see the discomfort it causes John. And it hurt. They were his two best friends, and he could never do anything to hurt either of them, but he could see their feelings so clearly, more than either of them seemed to do, and he could see how perfect they would be together.
He knows he needs to tell them. He needs to tell John. But how can he do it? How can he end his own happiness? He has never known anyone like John, and the thought of being without him now scares him so much he can hardly breathe. But that is why he has to do this. The two men he loves could be as blissfully happy as he is now, and how could he deny them this?
Carson looked down at John, his head resting on Carson's chest, while the doctor slowly stroked his fingers through his hair. He knew he had to tell him. He just didn't know how.