John sat on the bed, his knees drawn up it his chest, his arms hugged around them, pulling them even closer still. He stared, unseeing, at the piece of paper lying on the bed beside him. Pulling his legs closer still he shook his head as he read the note again, trying to make sense of its contents. That morning all had seemed well, sleepy happiness reflected in the three men as they woke tangled in each other's limbs, contented sighs and murmurs as they gradually separated from each other and got ready for the day. Rodney had still seemed embarrassed at first, hesitant in his replies to Carson and John's remarks, seemingly shy at the appreciative glances, but it hadn't lasted long, as the two men worked on him. Eventually the three men had all separated, late for work, but with contented smiles on their faces. Nothing had seemed wrong, John had noticed no change in Carson's actions, the doctor had seemed as happy Rodney and himself. He now berated himself for paying too much attention to Rodney's preoccupations, and not noticing Carson's behaviour.
But John had returned to an empty room, the bed neatly made with a note on John's pillow and even as John read it again now for the umpteenth time, he struggled to understand how quickly his situation had changed. Carson was gone. He had gone off world and hadn't even said goodbye apart from leaving him a note. A note which informed John that Carson thought they should no longer be together, wishing him and Rodney all the happiness they desired as they planned their future.
It was ridiculous. How on Earth could Carson have misread the signals so much? John sighed as he thought of the evening before and the morning that followed. Now, with this note and the benefit of 20/20 hindsight he could see that Carson had been quieter than normal that morning, possible a bit less effusive than was usual for him with John. But at the time John had just assumed that it had been in an effort to make Rodney feel comfortable with the relationship, and had never thought that there could be anything more meaningful behind it. And now he cursed himself for the attention that he had taken from Carson to give to Rodney. It was his fault that Carson had gone. He should have realised hat this could happen. After all his time with Carson, he knew the man's insecurities and yet it had never occurred to him that Carson might doubt the strength of his love. But then, had he assured Carson of it often enough? The tears pricked John's eyes as he thought of life without his lover, but he shook his head to clear them. Carson wasn't gone permanently, he had merely removed himself from Atlantis and that was no obstacle to a determined military commander and jumper pilot. Resolutely, John swung himself off the bed, heading to the gate room.
John stared at Elizabeth in disbelief. "You're refusing to tell me where he's gone?" his voice rose as he stared at her impassive face. "I'm the military commander here, Elizabeth, the safety of this missionis my responsibility, and that involves knowing the location of my men at any given occasion. You can not withhold this information from me"
"John" Elizabeth reached out a placating arm towards the man, she hadn't seen him this upset since the Genii had invaded Atlantis. Something about his protective instinct she supposed. "Come to my office, we need to discuss this" And she raised her eyebrow meaningfully, making John suddenly aware of the number of people in the command centre, trying in vain to appear that they were not following the conversation with interest. Elizabeth was right, this was not the place for this kind of discussion, even as he had to bite his tongue while they walked the short distance to her office. As soon as the door shut behind them, he could restrain himself no longer.
"Elizabeth, you don't understand. He's just gone off with out telling me. He's completely misunderstood something and I need to find him and explain."
"I know John, I know what's happened. Carson spoke to me before he went. He told me he needed time apart, to sort himself out. He asked me not to tell you, and I know where he is, it's not like he's gone off completely alone."
"But I need to know. He shouldn't have time to think about it, when he hasn't got the right facts to think about."
"John, I know it's difficult, I know you want to go after him, but I've known Carson longer than you" Elizabeth held up her hand as John tried to interrupt her, "I know our relationship isn't the same, but I know that when he sets his mind to something, there's nothing you can do to dissuade him. It's better to leave him to come to his senses. Leave him a few days, give it time for both of you to calm down. I'm sure he'll miss you as much as you're missing him. You'll sort it out."
"But I worry, Elizabeth. He's not used to being off world. He's not able to defend himself."
"John, do you really think I'd send him into any sort of danger? I promise you he's perfectly safe, he's on a planet we've visited dozens of times, and there are military there as well. I know it's hard John, but you have to realise you can't protect everyone yourself. You have to let go sometimes, if only to see what happens."
John's shoulders sagged. He knew she was right, but he hated to think of Carson out there alone, all the time assuming that John would rather be with Rodney than him. He could see Elizabeth wasn't going to change her mind any time soon, he would give it a few days, and if Carson hadn't reappeared he would try again. In the meantime, there was someone else he needed to discuss the situation with.