Chapter Five: Subgame Perfection

West End Central Police Station
13th December 2009, 11.06am

"You could have mentioned that you let her have a bloody phone call," Harry grumbled as they all got into the lift together.

"I forgot," Dudley hissed back, pressing the button for the second floor. There was a rarely used rec room up there that he'd had Guleed escort the ginger wizard - Rob or John or something - up to when he'd arrived with Hermione. "The whole naked thing was a bit -"

"Yeah, alright." Harry was staring daggers at the back of Pansy's sleek, black bob. "I can see how it would be."

On Harry's other side, Hermione made a little huffing sound through her nose. From where she stood in front of them, her arm in the firm grip of the tall wizard who said he was her lawyer, Pansy turned her head slightly. When she caught Dudley's eye she winked, and he felt his face go red.

Fortunately he wasn't left to suffer in his embarrassment for long, because a few seconds later the lift gave a ding, and the doors slid open. The motley group piled out, and followed Dudley as he led them along a corridor to the room where -

"What the fuck is the DMLE doing here?" demanded the tall lawyer, coming to a sharp halt.

The ginger wizard - who, come to think of it, Dudley was pretty sure was Harry's best friend - had been sat in one of the chairs in the rec room, but now he rose out of it, blinking with surprise, before his face darkened.

"Pansy bloody Parkinson?"

"Hey!" The tall wizard snapped. "I asked you a quest-"

"I don't care if you asked -"

Beside Dudley, Harry looked at Hermione. "Did he come in with you?"

"Met him as I was leaving Grimmauld," she nodded. "He needs to speak to you about -"

"Why don't you fucking try me, Nott," the ginger wizard spat, in response to something the dark-haired lawyer had said.

"Careful, Weasley," the lawyer drawled. "Wouldn't want to make a scene now, would we?"

He had a point, Dudley acknowledged. The ginger wizard (Ron, that was his name) was steadily turning redder than his hair, and his hand was making a twitching motion at his side which experience told Dudley meant that he was trying to stop himself from going for his wand.

"Harry," he said in an undertone, turning to see that his cousin was talking quietly and urgently to Hermione. "Harry," Dudley repeated, louder this time, his eyes widening slightly as the lawyer let go of Pansy's arm to point at Ron with a stabbing motion.

"Yeah, Dudley," Harry said. "Just a sec-"

"Hey!" Guleed appeared from the kitchenette with two cups of coffee, one for her and one apparently for Ron. "What's going on -"

"Drop your wand!" Dudley barked, yanking his taser from his pocket and pointing it at the lawyer, whose eyes widened as he raised his arms, the hand holding his wand opening to allow the stick to clatter to the floor.

"Guv?" Guleed said uncertainly. "Is everything -"

"Dudley?" Harry's voice was careful. From the corner of his eye, Dudley saw him raise his hand as though to place it on his shoulder, and then apparently think better of it.

One of the less desirable qualities that Dudley Dursley had inherited from his father was a woefully short temper when he found his patience being tested. One of the less desirable qualities that he had inherited from his mother, he often felt, was that of being related to wizards. It was deeply unfortunate just how badly those two things combined, and now the presence in his station of three wizards and two witches, one of whom he still wasn't entirely sure wasn't a murder suspect, was pushing him to his breaking point.

"This is my gaffe," he growled. "My murder inquiry. And I have already had it up to here with you lot, so if you think I'm going to stand by and let you start duelling or whatever the hell it is you do, you've got another thing coming.

"Your temper run in the family, does it Potter?" the dark-haired lawyer asked, though he hadn't moved, and his eyes were still on the taser. Despite this, there was something about his general demeanour that suggested he was rather enjoying himself.

"Don't push your luck, Nott." Harry sighed. "You've still got to sign Pansy's release papers, and you'll need to be conscious to do that."

"Hang on -" Ron said, eyes skipping from Harry, to the wizard called Nott, to Pansy, and then settling on Dudley. "Did he say 'murder inquiry'?"

"Goyle's dead," Harry answered him, and Ron's eyebrows shot up.

"In Muggle London?" he asked. "And your lot picked up Parkinson?"

Realising the question was directed at him, Dudley nodded, finally relenting and placing his taser back in his pocket. "She appa-whatever-it-is-ed right into the middle of the crime scene."

"And you somehow managed to stop her from disapparating right back out?" Ron's voice had turned even more disbelieving, and Dudley, sensing trouble, looked towards Harry.

"I er - well." Harry shifted his weight, looking distinctly awkward. "I taught Dudley how to apprehend magical suspects," he said, eventually.

"Why?" Ron asked, apparently mystified, before his eyes went to Hermione, widened and returned to Harry, his mouth opening into an exaggerated 'o' of surprise. "Sweet Merlin's balls, you have got to be -"

"Maybe best not to discuss it here?" Harry said quickly, inclining his head to where Nott and Pansy were watching the exchange with interest.

"Oh, you think?" Ron growled, but then swiped a hand over his face. "Fine. I need to talk to you about Gringotts anyway so -"

"Gringotts?" Pansy's voice was sharp. "What about Gringotts?"

Dudley tuned out whatever Ron started to tell Harry in order to watch Pansy, noting the change in her demeanour at the mention of whatever Gringotts was. She was staring at Ron, and the bones of her face were standing out sharply where she had tightened her jaw. Clenched on the lapels of Harry's coat, her fingers had turned white-knuckled.

"Pans." Nott's hands had been back by his sides, but now he laid one on Pansy's arm. "As your lawyer, I advise you not to say another word."

Pansy startled at the touch, and then her dark eyes followed Nott's towards Dudley. She gave a jerky little nod, her throat bobbing as she swallowed. Dudley chanced a glance at Harry, who was listening to whatever Ron was now whispering to him, and apparently hadn't seen the exchange. Next to the pair of them, however, Hermione's narrowed eyes were fixed on Pansy.

"Theo," she said, quietly authoritative. Harry held up a finger to quiet Ron, cutting him off mid-sentence as he looked expectantly at Hermione.

"Yes?" the other lawyer said, returning Hermione's gaze with an expression of polite enquiry.

"Where do you intend to take Pansy once she's discharged?"

"I think you know where," the tall man said cryptically, and Hermione nodded.

"Then why don't you do that," she said. "I'll owl you later."

"Much obliged," Nott inclined his head formally, before looking at Dudley again. "Detective Inspector?"

When Dudley looked at her, Hermione gave the slightest of nods, and he motioned Guleed forward from where she had remained motionless in the doorway, watching the whole exchange. "Sahra, if you would -"

She nodded, and set down the coffees she still held. "Come with me, I'll sort the paperwork." Guleed paused, took in Pansy's attire, and then added, "maybe a change of clothes, too," before beckoning Nott to follow.

He tugged Pansy with him, and after a moment she allowed herself to be led from the room, glancing back over her shoulder only once, wide eyes meeting Dudley's.

"That was - how do you know she isn't going to do a runner?" Ron asked in the ensuing silence.

"I don't think she's that stupid," Hermione answered, "and even if she is, Theo isn't stupid enough to let her."

"You sound worryingly sure about that," Ron grumbled, but when Hermione opened her mouth he waved his hand wearily. "Save it, I've got to go back to the office, and I really don't think I want to know right now." He looked at his watch and grimaced, before looking at Harry. "What's the protocol on this, does it get passed to the DMLE or -"

"SCD-9 will handle things for now," Dudley said firmly. "At least until we get the paperwork squared away. As soon as Justin's done on the scene we'll let you -"

"Just - what?" Ron brought his fingers to his temples. "Justin?"

"Finch-Fletchley," Dudley nodded. "Isn't he one of yours too?" He looked to Harry for confirmation, only belatedly picking up on the violent chopping motion his cousin was miming across his throat. Ron's colour deepened, and for a moment Dudley thought he was going to start shouting again, but then he mastered his temper with a visible effort of will.

"Harry, mate, I think we need to have a chat," was all he said.

oOo

No. 12 Grimmauld Place
13th December 2009, 4.17pm

In the end, Ron was at the Ministry for a few hours, so the sky outside the parlour windows was already turning dark before Harry heard his front door bang open and Ron's stomping footsteps on the stairs.

"Before you -"

"This is un-fucking-believable!" Ron didn't give Harry a chance to start defending himself, throwing his greatcoat to one side and not even noticing when it landed on one of the Christmas trees that dotted the room. "You've got a bloody nerve, Harry Potter." He stalked across the room towards the fireplace, frowned at the pile of evergreen foliage on the mantle, and turned to walk back the other way. "I've got half a mind to haul you back into the DMLE and make you explain everything there."

Harry sighed and pushed his glasses up to sit on top of his head, the better to massage his temples with his thumbs. "I've already told you -"

"You didn't tell me anything about -"

"Because it would have been a conflict of interest for you!" Harry shouted, finally losing his patience and standing up, directly in the path of Ron's incensed pacing. "You'd have been duty-bound to report it, and I didn't want to put you in the position of having to keep it quiet, so I didn't -"

"So you just decided for me then, did you?"

Harry, unable to argue, shrugged helplessly. 'We didn't want -"

"Oh Merlin, we!" Ron threw him a furious glare. "So how long has Hermione known about this, since it clearly isn't a conflict of interest for her!"

The grim set of Ron's mouth betrayed the fact that this was one of the aspects of the situation that he found most troubling, and Harry fought the urge to wince as he said, "Well, to be completely fair, she sort of came up with the whole Black & Lupin thing, so -"

"She did WHAT?"

"No, I mean, it was Dudley's idea actually, but Hermione just -"

"Wait," Ron's face took on an expression of actual pain. "This was Dudley's idea?"

"Yeah," Harry nodded, remembering how surprised he himself had been at the time. "Well, he and I had worked together on a few cases after Kingsley and Ogden decided to try closer wizard-Muggle cooperation so -"

Ron held up a hand for him to stop, then sat down heavily in one of the armchairs. "So you're telling me that this wasn't just you? This was official?"

Harry nodded, and Ron pinched the bridge of his nose before looking back up at him. "There was an official, Minister-sanctioned DMLE initiative to work with the Muggle police, and I was just somehow never told about it?"

"It only ran for a couple of years," Harry said weakly. "And it was more of an information-sharing exercise than anything else, until the whole Haringey thing meant that -"

"Shit," Ron's mouth dropped open. "Shit, that's how you knew about that warehouse - and you - but why wouldn't you tell the Wizengamot, unless -"

"Kingsley and I decided it would be better if we kept it quiet," Harry nodded. "Emilius was framed - none of it was him - but there just wasn't enough proof, and if it came out that he'd been working with the Muggles then -"

"But you kept going," Ron's head was shaking slowly from side to side, but Harry was unsure whether he knew he was doing it. "Well, fuck the International Statute of Secrecy right? What does it even matter when you're Harry bloody Potter."

"Alright, mate," Harry's temper sharpened his tone again, and he paused to get a handle on himself before continuing. "It's not like that at all. Haringey was a massive fucking balls-up, but whoever was behind it is still out there, and it isn't as though we could just let them get away with it."

"You're saying 'we' again," Ron frowned. "Is Kingsley in on this as well?"

"Kingsley's retired," Harry replied stonily.

Ron gave a disbelieving snort. "Of course he is, and I'm captain of the Chudley Cannons." He rubbed his chin aggressively, and then stilled as something else seemed to occur to him. "DoesAndromeda know any of this?"

This time Harry did wince. "I think she's got a decent idea."

"This is so fucking irresponsible." Ron's colour was so high that his ears clashed unpleasantly with his hair. "After everything you said about me not coming with you because of Hugo, and now you're knowingly endangering yourself -"

"Oh, come off it." Harry shoved a hand through his hair, knocked his glasses to the floor and bent forward to grab them before he glared at Ron again. "What did you think I've been doing with myself for the last two years, taking tea with society wives?"

"You said you were consulting!" Ron yelled. "I thought you meant like - like the way Malfoy -"

"Are you kidding me? You really thought the Ministry might have me back as some sort of Special Advisor after I told them where they could stick their -"

"I don't know!" Ron shouted, and then, quieter, "I don't know, alright? I knew you must be doing something, but I didn't think it would be this."

They stared at one another for a moment in uneasy silence, and then Ron blinked, and seemed to properly register his surroundings for the first time. "Mate, did a lutin explode in here, or -"

Harry was spared his answer by the rattling of china as Kreacher apparated unsteadily into the room, bearing a tray laden with tea things.

"Kreacher is glad Master and the blood traitor is stopping their infernal noise," he crowed, as he set out china cups and saucers with a spectacularly ugly pattern of Thestrals wearing holly crowns. Harry assumed these were another find from the attic.

"Kreacher is reminding Master that he isn't a teenager anymore if you please," the elf went on, "and is also making mince pies, because the Mudblood One is saying she isn't wanting any lunch -"

"Kreacher," Harry said wearily, as he sank back down onto the sofa. "I've asked you repeatedly not to call her that."

"The Mudblood One says to Kreacher that if Master forbids him to speak freely as he chooses is an incursion of Kreacher's civil liberties," the elf replied blithely, without even looking up from where he was piling pastries onto a plate for Ron.

"Why?" Ron shot Harry a baffled look as he accepted the plate and cup that Kreacher handed him. "Why would she give him advice about his - his liberties when he insists on being so - so - why are you looking at me like that?" he asked nervously, spotting Kreacher poised at his elbow.

The elf looked towards Harry, and then nodded his head eagerly at Ron.

"Christ," Harry muttered. Kreacher's timing was impeccable, as ever. "Ron, Kreacher would like to know if you'd like to spend Christmas with us?"

"What?" Ron spluttered. "Here?"

"No," Harry sighed. "On the fucking moon. Of course here."

"What about -"

"You're all invited, obviously," Harry said. "Come on, give your mum a chance to put her feet up for once in her life."

Ron stared at him for a beat longer, as though trying to work out whether Harry had lost his mind. "Are you sure -"

"Of course he's sure, and it would be lovely to have a Christmas here, wouldn't it Kreacher?"

Hermione had entered the parlour through the door that led to the library and flung herself onto the opposite end of the sofa from Harry.

"The Mudblood One is quite right," Kreacher nodded as he scurried over to Hermione with a cup of tea. "The house is revealing Mistress Violetta's decorations, and so is clearly wanting to celebrate Yule, even if it must be with blood traitors and Mudbloods."

"Charming," Ron sighed, taking a bite of his mince pie. He chewed ruminatively for a moment, and then squinted at the remainder of the pastry in his hand before looking up at Kreacher. "Go on then," he sighed. "Mum could use a break."

Kreacher's expression turned transcendent, and he actually clapped his hands with glee before disapparating to Merlin knew where, presumably to start making his preparations.

Harry shook his head and reached for another mince pie, but froze when Ron jabbed a finger at him. "Don't think for one second that this means you're off the hook."

"Oh, Ron," Hermione sighed. "You know why we had to keep the agency a secret from you. It isn't exactly as though this is something the Head Auror can sign off on, is it?"

"Right," Ron relented eventually. There was a pause while he simply looked at the pair of them, and then he gave himself a little shake. "You said 'the agency'?"

"Did I?" Hermione asked. She glanced at Harry, who gave a resigned nod before finally taking his second mince pie. "Well, after the official link with the DMLE was terminated, Dudley needed to put something on the invoices when he called Harry in on a case, so we decided to incorporate."

"So you're partners in this little private detecting enterprise, are you?" Ron asked.

"Well," Hermione said impatiently. "Firstly, it's not a 'private detecting enterprise,' Harry is a consulting detective while I manage the administrative side of things -"

"Oh, great," Ron interrupted her. "So that was you 'managing the admin' when you impersonated a lawyer earlier?" He set down his plate in order to make air quotes with his fingers, and Harry once again regretted having introduced him to Friends . "I don't know about Muggles, but if you tried to pull that a stunt like that at the DMLE -"

"I wasn't impersonating anything," Hermione shot back. "I'm a fully qualified Muggle solicitor."

"Hold your hippogriffs." Ron's face scrunched into an expression of incredulity and Hermione rolled her eyes. "Since when?"

"Since I decided it might be useful when I joined the Ministry," she said, and Ron's face took on a slightly pained expression.

That had been just after they'd broken up, Harry remembered, and it had taken a couple of years for them to get back onto an even footing. Given how careful Hermione was to not advertise her Muggle competencies, he wasn't really surprised that Ron hadn't known.

Still, it was a little awkward.

"Anyway," Hermione said, keeping her eyes on her teacup as she lifted it to her lips. Harry watched as the thestrals preened. "Black & Lupin is a very discreet enterprise."

"Black and...so that wasn't just something you made up for the Muggles?"

"Not so much," Harry confirmed, moving his eyes away from Hermione's oddly fascinating mouth to look at Ron. "It sounds official enough for Muggle business though, and of course if we were to start operating more openly in the wizarding world the names carry a cachet without attracting the sort of attention that 'Potter & Granger' would."

"Yeah," Ron said slowly. "But like, are you allowed to call yourselves Black & Lupin? I mean -"

"I was Sirius's legal heir, and the executor of Remus's estate," Harry shrugged. "It's legit, added to which I'm sure they'd find it pretty funny."

"And you can't deny that the combination of jurisprudential and law-enforcement expertise makes us a pretty effective team." Hermione smirked slightly. The mischievous expression suited her, Harry thought, and found himself smirking back at her.

"I'm sure it does," Ron said darkly. "I'm just not entirely convinced that you aren't an illegally effective team, seeing as you're operating a magical company in the Muggle sphere."

"I think you'll find that it's a grey area, actually." Hermione was almost glowing with self-satisfaction now. "There was a loophole in the last amendment to the International Statute of Secrecy which means that -"

"Didn't you draft that amendment?" Ron frowned.

"I might have done," Hermione said airily, reaching for a mince pie. "But it was Malfoy who tabled it."

A/N: I think this is probably the last of my 'surprise, bitch!' introductions. For now. You never know who else will turn up.