Chapter Sixteen: Hicks Optimal
No. 12 Grimmauld Place
19th December 2009, 8.15am
"Hello-oh?"
Teddy's clarion bell of a voice drifted up through the house, and Harry broke off from kissing Hermione, craning his neck to try and see the clock on his bedside table.
"It can't be the -"
"Harry?" Andromeda's voice followed Teddy's. "Are you here?"
"Busted," Hermione smirked, before pushing him off the bed.
"Thanks for that," Harry grinned, gripping the edge of the bed to pick himself up off the floor.
"You're welcome," Hermione said sweetly, before Harry wrenched the duvet away and she squeaked as cold air met naked skin.
"Uncle Harry!" Teddy's voice sounded closer now, and Hermione clapped a hand over her mouth, muffling her laughter as she picked her way round the bed and towards the dressing room. "What are you doing in there?"
"Hey, Tedster," Harry said, opening the door a crack and leaning his head around it. "Great to see you! Tell your nan I'll be right down, would you?"
"Were you still in bed?" Teddy asked, disbelieving. His hair was a bright, buttercup shade of yellow. "At Hogwarts they make us get up at seven, every day!"
"I remember," Harry nodded, going to close the door.
"And if you aren't up by half-past seven, you miss breakfast!" Teddy went on, before frowning. "Though, the house elves usually give you some leftovers, if you ask nicely," he said.
"Well," Harry said. "Why don't you find Kreacher and ask if he'll -"
There was a thump and a muffled curse from the direction of the dressing room, and Teddy's face turned bright with mischief as his hair went pink, making him look so like Tonks that Harry almost gasped.
"I have to share a room with six other boys, too," Teddy said. "Do you share a room with someone, Uncle Harry?"
"That," Harry said, "is none of your business."
"I know all about sex now!" Teddy yelled as Harry closed the door on him. "Terrwyn Davies told me everything!"
Harry buried his face in his hands. "Jesus Christ," he muttered, before looking up to see Hermione nearly doubled over in silent laughter.
"I'm sorry," she said, catching sight of his glare. "I'm sorry, I just can't - the look on your face!"
"I don't know what you think is so funny," Harry grumbled. "You're dressed, so you're facing him first."
He took in her outfit as he spoke, noting the improvement on the house's first recalcitrant efforts. The crimson trousers fit Hermione as though they'd been tailored, and the cream sweater was soft and luxurious.
She stretched her arms over her head, apparently unconcerned by the prospect of facing down an eleven-year-old. Harry caught a flash of tanned stomach, and felt his eagerness for breakfast wane even more.
"Ah-ah," Hermione said, when he stepped towards her, though she allowed herself to be caught in his arms. "Do you really want to keep that poor little boy waiting any longer than he needs to?"
Harry narrowed his eyes. "How dare you guilt-trip me like that," he murmured, bringing his mouth to a particular spot on the side of her neck that he had discovered over their past few days of extracurricular activities.
Hermione shivered against him, and then turned her glowing brown eyes up towards his, smiling gently as she pushed his glasses up his nose. "It's almost like I know you really well," she murmured, before pressing a quick peck to his lips and slipping out of his grasp.
"And put some clothes on," she said over her shoulder, before she slipped out of the door.
By the time he arrived downstairs, towelling his hastily-washed hair, Hermione and Andromeda were sat on one side of the large kitchen table, watching Teddy demolish a stack of toast. Kreacher was tending to the stove, and the kitchen smelled of frying bacon.
"Do they not feed you there?" Harry asked, snatching a piece from Teddy's plate and ruffling his hair, which turned blue with delight. "Oh shit, bleurgh" he said, having taken a bite and realising it had been spread with Marmite.
"Harry," Andromeda said fondly, rolling her eyes. "Language."
"Sorry Andy," he said, accepting the cup of coffee that Kreacher presented him with, and grinning when he caught Teddy's eye.
The boy giggled, stuffing another piece of toast in his mouth. "Shit," he said, the word muffled by half-chewed bread.
"Edward Maelgwyn Lupin!" Andromeda admonished him sharply. "Just because your uncle Harry -"
Teddy swallowed his mouthful of toast, then pointed at Hermione. "She taught me!"
Harry choked on his coffee, seeing his own surprise reflected on Andromeda's face as they turned to look at Hermione, who shifted guiltily in her seat.
"I didn't want him to go to school not knowing," she said. "Can you imagine how embarrassing that was to have to try and look up swear words in the Hogwarts library?"
"My god," Harry said. "It was you, this whole time!"
"What was?" said Hermione, looking alarmed.
"The bad influence." Harry slid into the seat next to Teddy, and nudged Hermione's foot with his.
"Well that's hardly surprising," Andromeda sniffed. "She is the clever one, after all."
"Thanks for that," Harry said, raising an eyebrow at Teddy, who hid his face behind his hands, then opened them to reveal an enormous moustache that Harry recognised as having being copied from Slughorn.
"Very fetching," Hermione commented, shifting in her chair as Kreacher placed a plate of scrambled eggs in front of her. "Well, you're obviously so happy to be home that school must be awful."
"Nooo," Teddy shook his head, spearing a piece of bacon with his fork. "It's brilliant! Hogwarts is the best place in the world and I have -"
He launched into a lengthy soliloquy about the various scrapes that he had got into over the course of his first term, that Harry was only half-listening to, since Hermione's toes were lazily stroking up and down the inside of his leg.
"And then the whole box of pyrotechtrix exploded," Teddy said, gesturing so hugely that he nearly hit Kreacher, who was attempting to place more bacon on his plate. The elf wobbled, kept his balance, and then deposited the remaining rashers in front of Teddy. "And Professor McGonagall gave all of us detention, but it was alright, because we had to clean the Hospital Wing, and Madam Pomfrey gave everyone chocolate afterwards."
"Detention?" Harry said, looking at Andromeda.
"Don't even try it," she said. "There is no moral high ground here for you, Harry Potter." She flashed him a smile that made her look very like Sirius. "Or did you not manage to lose 150 points in one go in your first year?"
"That wasn't just me," Harry protested, as Teddy goggled at him. "Uncle Draco was there too."
"Uncle Draco says you're a fiend," Teddy said, and Harry scowled.
"Firstly, he's one to talk, and secondly, when did he say this?"
"He writes to me," Teddy said blithely, though his hair was turning pink again.
Harry looked at Andromeda, who shrugged. "Family is important," she said, setting her cup down on the table. "On the subject of which, now that Teddy is old enough, Narcissa and I have decided to celebrate Yule this year, and I was wondering whether the two of you are free?"
"Both of us?" Hermione asked.
"Indeed," Andromeda said. "Kingsley said you were looking very cosy at Inspector Nightingale's party."
Harry enjoyed the sight of Hermione blushing to the roots of her hair, before he nodded. "I think we can probably make it," he said.
"Marvellous," Andromeda smiled. "We will be having it at the Black Family Trilithon, and the festivities will begin at dusk."
"You have to wear silver robes" Teddy said, practically fizzing with excitement. "And there'll be cauldron cakes, and cider, and Granny's going to wear a crown -"
"My mother had emerald and ruby Yule diadems made for us when we were girls," Andromeda sighed. "Holly, you see."
"- and there's a bonfire, and we get to stay up all night ," Teddy finished breathlessly, eyes shining.
"I didn't realise there were any Trilithons still in use in Britain," Hermione said, her eyebrows rising. "Is it functional or -"
"We have been trying to restore it," Andromeda said. "Cissy and I are hopeful that a gathering of this kind will prove just the tonic."
"It sounds fascinating," Hermione nodded, her eyes flicking towards Harry. "We'll definitely be there."
"Even if it means having to spend the evening with Malfoy." Harry gave a long-suffering sigh, then poked Teddy playfully in the ribs when he stuck his tongue out at him. "And you're still happy to come here for Christmas, right?"
"Of course ," Teddy said, nodding eagerly, before he went still, as though something had just occurred to him. "Kreacher will be cooking, right Uncle Harry?"
"Yes," Harry rolled his eyes, "Kreacher will be -"
"Can Kreacher make anything special for the young Master?" Kreacher asked eagerly, appearing at Teddy's elbow. "A preferred dessert, perhaps? A favourite drink?"
Teddy's face lit up. "Can I have a banana split instead of Christmas pudding?" he said. "And extra roast potatoes with supper? And brussels sprouts with bacon and -"
"Teddy -" Andromeda said warningly.
"Yes, Granny." Teddy slumped in his chair, but the moment Andromeda looked back towards Hermione, Harry saw Kreacher lean in and start whispering in the boy's ear.
He turned his attention back to Hermione, who was asking Andromeda more questions about the Trilithon. As soon as there was a break in the conversation, he leaned forward.
"When were you speaking to Kingsley?" he asked innocently.
"Oh," Andromeda said, patting her hair. "We're old friends."
"He stays over sometimes," Teddy piped up. "I think he's Granny's friend the same way Auntie Hermione is your friend."
"Teddy!" Andromeda admonished him, as Hermione and Harry both struggled valiantly not to laugh. "Honestly, child, you haven't even been home for a full day and already -"
"What?" Teddy asked. "You're all grown-ups. It's allowed." He blinked, then frowned. "It is allowed, isn't it?"
"Yes," Hermione said, reaching across the table and lacing her fingers with Harry's. "It's definitely allowed."
Andromeda looked away, and Harry was fairly sure he saw her swipe at her eyes, but he was distracted by the flames in the inglenook fireplace flaring green, and Ron stepping out.
"Morning all," he said, his eyes dipping towards the plate of sausages on the table, and then landing on Harry and Hermione's joined hands. "Anything I should know?" he asked.
"How many times," Hermione asked Harry, "have I told you to not to leave your Floo open?"
"And miss awkward situations like having to tell your best-friend-slash-ex-boyfriend you've finally decided to get together?" Ron crowed, clapping Harry on the shoulder as he leaned across to pinch a chipolata. "That's no fun."
"Uncle Ron is your ex-boyfriend?" Teddy asked, turning to frown at Harry.
"Not quite," Harry said, ignoring Ron's guffaw. "Not that there would be anything wrong with that."
"You should be so lucky," Ron snorted. "I'm out of his league," he told Teddy, with a wink.
"Well thanks for that," Hermione sighed, pushing herself up from the table. "Always a pleasure," she told Ron, leaning in to kiss his cheek, before she turned to address the others. "I'd love to stay, but I've got witness interviews for the Veela case this afternoon, and -"
"No, you go on," Harry said, waving his hand. "There definitely aren't any conversations to be had here that you could be at all helpful with."
"That's what I thought," Hermione smiled. She started towards the door, and then paused, turning on the ball of her foot, before dipping her head to press a kiss to the edge of Harry's mouth.
He'd leaned into it before he realised what he was doing, and flinched when Teddy went "EWW."
Harry glanced guiltily at Ron, who was nonchalantly helping himself to some of the bacon left on Teddy's plate. "Callie owes me ten galleons," he grinned.