Title: Nerve
Author: Shannon
Summary: You are not afraid.
Spoilers: No particular ones. AU Season 2.
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
A/N: For Inge as she beating me in the Name that Fic game. Thanks to Hilary and Rinne for the beta.
Nerve
Eyes open. Two blinks. Your sidearm held tight in your hand.
There is a cool shoulder pressed into your own. Goosebumps on your skin; a pain in your chest. It is so hard to breathe.
Eyes close.
You are not afraid.
A hand brushes your hair. Your breath hitches and you let out a small cry. Another soft stroke and you sink back into the bed. Slowly, you look.
A kind face, a warm smile. Concerned brown eyes but a steady gaze.
"What happened?" you ask.
She glances to another bed, to the figure sleeping there. You stare but can't quite grasp what she means.
"What happened?" you repeat, becoming anxious in the silence.
She reaches for your hand and gently rubs it.
"You saved his life."
A year, they tell you, and you'll be good as new.
It'll be hard, they say, but you're young and healthy. With work, you'll get there.
That night you lie in your bed and pretend to sleep. For once, you don't need socks for the cold.
The Major visits during one of your sessions. He watches from the door and waits till you're done.
You sit in the chair and gaze at your hands. He saunters over.
"Lieutenant," he says, then slouches into a chair beside you.
You raise your head and stare straight ahead. "Sir."
"How you doin'?"
"Fine." Your gaze is fixed and he sighs.
You can feel him fumbling around beside you. He takes a while and it piques your curiosity. You are about to turn and look when he cries "Aha!" and something lands in your lap.
You look down and suddenly can't breathe. It's a pile of envelopes.
"Letters from home," Sheppard says smoothly, looking away as you fight for control.
You grip the arms of the chair tightly and close your eyes. You focus – focus - on breathing and the attack gradually settles. When you reopen your eyes, the Major starts talking again.
"There's a few from Teyla – Elizabeth helped her – and a ton from the Marines. Got McKay to write one, and a couple of other scientists did too. Didn't realise you were so popular."
You stare at the envelopes, bound by an elastic band, and turn them over and over. They wrote to you.
The Major stands up and you pull your attention away from the letters.
He shoves his hands into his pockets. "I'm ordering you to get better, Ford. We need you out there."
You look at him, then quickly nod. Your hands clench the paper as you hear the unspoken sentence.
We miss you.
Six months later and your progress has stalled. You know you can do it – it's there, just out of reach – but it's not happening.
Your doctor sighs. "What's going on, Lieutenant? Don't you want this?"
Dr Levant's a nice guy and you like him, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. You want to do this, but it's not working.
He glances down at your file. "I'm not sure there's any more we can do for you here."
You gasp and lean forward, ready to protest, but Levant continues talking as if you hadn't reacted. "We're sending you back to Atlantis. Your CO suggested it, and I happen to agree. It might be best for you at the moment."
Like an idiot, you gape at him. He smiles. "Thought you might agree. You'll be on the next trip."
And agree you definitely do. But it doesn't stop the dread from pooling in your stomach.
They greet you with a party. It's all you can do to not start hugging everyone in sight.
But that wouldn't befit a Marine. Hugging everyone because you just escaped certain death? Sure, go ahead. Hugging people because they threw you a party?
Yeah. No.
Dr Weir smiles at you with a "Welcome back, Lieutenant." Teyla's grin nearly breaks her face and Jinto all but leaps into your lap with questions of Earth and what you did there.
McKay – forcefully dragged to the party by Major Sheppard, you're sure – nods, says welcome, and then disappears back to his lab.
Cadman hits you on the head – a running 'joke' since you were both at the SGC – before smiling apologetically. "Sorry, Aiden," she murmurs. "I tried but…"
You nod and shrug before turning back to the party. It's not like it matters, anyway.
"I don't get it!" you shout. "I should be able to do it by now!" Your fist slams into the wall.
Dr Chrisholm stares at you, sweeping her hair out of the way. "Aiden, these things take time. An injury like yours takes time to heal proper-"
"But it's healed! The doctors say it's healed. The nerves are fixed – the machine did its job. I should be able to-"
"Maybe it's not physical," she interrupts. "Maybe you just don't want to."
You turn away and grab your stuff. She doesn't try to stop you from leaving.
You find yourself on the south-east pier, staring over the ocean. It took you a while – you were exhausted after your session – but it was worth it.
You briefly wish you could sit on the edge and dangle your feet in the water, like you used to do at your aunt's place, but wishes like that don't come true anymore. At least, not when you're on your own. Not in the way you want.
You take a deep breath of the salty air and someone, behind you, coughs. You twist your head around, and Dr Beckett is there. Watching you.
He slowly walks to stand beside you and you turn back to the ocean.
"Lovely day, isn't it?" he says brightly.
You almost say nothing, but Grandma trained her boy too well. "Yes."
"Jessica says you ran out of your session."
Dr Chrisholm had tried to get you to call her by her first name but it always felt too weird. She'd stopped asking when you promised you would, once you were no longer her patient.
"If you call what I do running."
Dr Beckett sighs. He slowly sinks to the ground beside you, scraping his hand on a wheel.
"I'm sorry, Lieutenant," he says softly. "It shouldn't have happened. And I should've been able to fix it right away."
You look sharply at him, incredulous. "It wasn't your fault, Doc! The earthquake… I set off the stupid trap. It wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me!"
"But I could've fixed-"
"And you were unconscious for longer than I was. No offence, Doc, but I wouldn't have wanted someone with a concussion operating on my spine."
His lips quirk. "There's a point. But it wasn't your fault either. The trap… That was the Wraith's fault. Not yours. So why are you giving up?"
You stare back at the ocean, then to your hands. Grandma'd always liked your hands. Good strong hands, she'd said. They'll make me proud.
And here you are. Giving up.
You sigh. "I know. I don't want to but-"
"Then don't, you silly bugger."
"But I can't…"
"You can. I'll help." He smiles. "You have to do it. Otherwise, your bloody team will never leave me alone."
You turn your head and gaze at him. He stares back. Expectantly.
Deep breathing. Eyes open. The cold bars gripped tightly in your hands.
You take a deep breath and stretch for the ground. Again. Again. And again, and again. With a gasp, you reach the end of the bars.
A loud cheer erupts and you realise it's your own. Jessica gapes then leaps to hug you. You smile at Beckett and he grins back.
Your cheeks are hurting.
And you are not afraid.