Title: Is It Enough?

Author: JadeHeart Gravitation
Warnings: angst
Author's Notes: Thanks for the review, ren'ai-iki – glad you are enjoying it! The timeline is possibly very close to the end of the manga, or just after where things are still a little shaky between them as old wounds are trying to heal and they are trying to find a place for themselves as a couple so the doubts are still there.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title still from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 3: Somebody Rip My Heart Out

Shuichi struggled back towards his seat. He had had no choice but to visit the bathroom he just couldn't hold out any longer! So taking his life in his hands, he gingerly crept around and over the slumbering K and breathed a silent sigh of relief when his hand rested on the handle of his destination. After relieving himself he was then faced with the dangerous task of navigating that open minefield marked 'K' to return to his seat.

He had gazed across what seemed to be an insurmountable gulf between himself and his target, eyes looking longingly at that safe haven. He had to get there – and in one piece. K had shifted whilst he had been preoccupied, sprawling even further across the floor, long limbs seeming to take up all the free space available. Shuichi gritted his teeth. He could do this! He had to do this!

Looking carefully all around him, his mind began to tick off the various options available to him. The floor was pretty much a no-go area now, apart from a few small patches where no portion of K occupied. Okay, that meant that he could put his feet down at some point, but he had to be able to get to those areas. He eyed the metal luggage racks above him. Yep, that's the best possibility by the looks of things.

Clambering onto a seat nearby, he reached out and grabbed the railing with both hands and began to shinny across quickly. He was small and fit so it wasn't much of a hardship, except the metal was a little slick under his damp hands after being to the bathroom. He closed his eyes as one hand began to slide. Now he knew why his mother always told him to dry his hands thoroughly after being to the bathroom! Although he was sure she hadn't exactly had this image in mind when she had said it!

The hand completely slipped away and Shuichi felt his body drop, feet heading for the floor. Glancing down he struggled to control the momentum and his right foot touched the floor just with his outstretched toe, directly in one of the free spaces. Shuichi's breath came out in a soft whoosh. A quick glance showed K still sleeping. He wobbled dangerously in this stance, unable to really have any balance as every sway of the moving vehicle threatened to knock him from his precarious perch. His other hand still gripped the railing above and the strain was pulling painfully on his shoulder socket. Carefully he ran his damp hand down his shirt, wiping the moisture away and drying it more thoroughly. Right, let's try again.

Frowning in concentration, he threw his loose hand upwards to re-grasp the railing. He tightened his grip, lifting his body upwards once more so his toe left the floor below, and continued on his way. His legs swayed back and forth over the aisle, waving above the sleeping man on the floor. Shuichi could feel his arms beginning to ache. Why was K so tall! It was taking forever to pass his long length!

He didn't look down again and so didn't see K's eyes crack open and a smirk twitch his full lips, before they closed once more to try and return to sleep. Really, Shuichi should know better! As if he wouldn't have realized what was going on! His senses were finally honed to be aware of anything that was happening around him. Having a small, lanky kid doing a monkey impersonation above him was definitely enough to bring him awake!

Finally Shuichi looked down and could see that he had reached safety. Thank goodness, he sent up a prayer of thanks, as he dropped to the floor. He almost fell into his seat once more, rubbing his strained shoulder. It wasn't bad, no worse than he might have done being too energetic on stage. Why was it that everything always had to be such an ordeal! He couldn't even go to the bathroom without it seeming like a impossible full-scale assault on some castle!

He let out a soft sigh. His life was just so tiring sometimes, so painful. Everything sometimes did seem like an ordeal, a constant battle to be fought and won. The only problem was he didn't always feel that he had won.

He shifted to get more comfortable, pulling a cushion up higher behind his back. It was still raining outside, coming down even harder now, the drops striking the window with such force he could feel each small impact against his cheek where it rested against the glass.

His life overall was good. The band was going great, their songs and albums continuing to sell well, and their concerts were always sold out well in advance. Career-wise, he couldn't be happier. Okay, it was still hard work, and he would still get writer's block and not be able to write lyrics at times, but it always worked out in the end. So it was all good.

He was also very lucky to have the best of friends like Hiro and Suguru. Hiro had always been there for him, he couldn't imagine a time when he wouldn't be. The one time Hiro had tried to quit, once Bad Luck was up and going, had torn him apart. It really had made him realize just how meaningless everything else was if he couldn't share it with his best friend who had been so instrumental (no pun intended) in getting them there. No, Hiro would always be there. There was no Bad Luck without him.

Suguru had been a different matter. Shuichi cast a quick glance at his other slumbering band-mate. He had been so jealous of the teenager when he had first joined, so incensed that anyone was trying to interfere with his dream that he hadn't wanted to even give Suguru a chance. It had taken Yuki's calm, blunt words to make him sit up and think more clearly about it. That and Hiro telling him to do the same. If the two people who meant the most to him in this world were telling him to stop being an idiot, then even he would eventually take notice. And Suguru was good, no two ways about it. He was damn good and Shuichi privately thought that he was close to outstripping even his mentor, Tohma Seguchi. That wasn't even sour grapes talking. For as much as he didn't particularly 'like' Tohma Seguchi, he still admired and respected the man, especially for his role in Nittle Grasper. So he could listen to Tohma playing and compare it to Suguru, and over the past year that gap had closed considerably.

So, work-wise, he had accepted Suguru and Bad Luck truly began to shine. On a more personal footing, that had taken a little more time and it wasn't due to Shuichi's stubbornness either. It had come from Suguru himself. The keyboardist was such a serious young man, intense and controlled. Shuichi had found his attitude a little daunting and off-putting, but gradually Suguru had begun to open up. It had mainly been due to Hiro, of course. Hiro was considered 'normal' amongst their little group. All the rest of them had so many quirks to their personalities that when most people met them they froze in terror at the antics that ensued, or just ran away screaming. The only other person that was likely to beat them for quirkiness would have to be Ryuichi Sakuma. And that's because no-one could be like Ryuichi!

So Hiro had been the first person to accept Suguru for his talent in the band, and the first one to begin to make the boy relax around them all. Once Suguru was able to accept that Shuichi was just the way he was and everything that went with it, he had seemed to begin to finally open up and let more of his inner self show. Shuichi had to admit that one of Suguru's best traits was his loyalty. Once he decided to give it, nothing would break that promise. Shuichi really liked that about him. Now, he could call Suguru a friend. They didn't always get along still, but even after an argument they could sit down and talk or have a drink together and the harsh words would be forgotten.

Shuichi snuggled into his seat, wrapping his arms around him. He was so lucky to have friends like them both. Even K and Sakano had become friends over this time. You couldn't work this long and closely with people without making some decision as to whether they were friends or not. Both men genuinely did care for him, he knew that. Although K had a somewhat 'unusual' way of showing it at times! Dodging bullets wasn't exactly a past-time that he enjoyed!

So where work and friends were concerned everything was going fine. He had no issues with his family, who supported him wholeheartedly even if his sister drove him made with demands for autographs for her friends and other such things. Everything was fine, except….

He pressed his face back against the chilled glass, feeling tears pick at his eyes. Everything was fine except the one thing he really wanted to be with all his heart. A tear trickled down his cheek. His relationship with Yuki still hurt him. No matter how much he tried to not let it get him down, he couldn't help it. The slightest word from Yuki could cut him to the bone, reveal all his insecurities, raise all his self-doubts to the surface. One cold look could pierce his heart like a dagger and freeze him where he stood.

He turned his face further towards the glass, not seeing his own weeping reflection. He so wanted Yuki to love him as he loved the other. He was happy just being with Yuki, he knew that he wasn't the sort of person who put on great shows of affection, certainly not in public, but just….something would be nice now and again. Shuichi had thought that perhaps Yuki would be more open towards him, even in public, after the way he had behaved when announcing their relationship on national TV. The way he had draped his arm around Shuichi's shoulders, holding him tightly against his side - that gesture had filled his heart with joy so strong he had been frozen in place. He really wanted Yuki to do more of that. Just those simple touches; a hug, holding hands, a soft caress, such small, simple things that filled Shuichi's heart when ever they occurred.

He gulped back a sob. Only they rarely occurred. Generally, those types of touches were only because Yuki wanted sex, and there was less gentleness and more demand in them. It's not that Shuichi didn't like the sex. He did, he wanted to be with Yuki in that way just as much as anything else, but…

He sniffed, feeling his face flushed hot as it pressed against the glass. He wanted Yuki to want him not for just sex, but want him to just be with him. Did Yuki really want him there? He had hoped that they had put Kitazawa's ghost to rest and that Yuki realised that Shuichi was his own person, and not some kind of rival or competition for Kitazawa's place in Yuki's memories. He had thought they had managed to get through those times together and found a place for each other. But he still had his doubts. He still wondered if the place Yuki had decided that Shuichi fit was just for sexual gratification.

He sniffled again, the tears falling faster, trying to muffle the sobs so as not to disturb anyone else on the bus.

Was that all he was to Yuki? Just something to have around so it was convenient to him when he wanted sex? Did Yuki see him as anything more? Did Yuki really want anything more? Shuichi wanted this to be forever. He wanted it with all his heart and had from the start, but did Yuki? Could Yuki walk away from this?

Shuichi almost choked on the snort of derision he couldn't hold back. Of course he could! He felt the anger inside even through the pain. Hadn't Yuki done just that over and over again! He had walked away from Shuichi, left him behind without a word, without anything, countless times! There was nothing to stop him from doing it again and again, when ever he wanted to. He had shown that he could leave him so easily, without a single thought.

Shuichi clamped his lips together tightly, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to hold the seething emotions inside. If he let them out now, he would start to howl in anguish and he didn't know if he could stop.

Oh, Yuki! He wailed in his mind, crying over and over again, trying to reach out with his thoughts to the man he loved more than life. Do you love me? Why don't you love me? Why can't you love me!

The tears were hot on his face, drying quickly and he could feel the skin stiffening from the salt left behind. He let out a shaky breathe, opening his eyes again, tears still clinging to his long lashes. His head felt stuffy, his throat swollen, but nothing hurt as much as his heart. Every beat felt like a drum beat of doom, every beat signified how much he loved Yuki, and every beat signalled the blows of defeat received.

Yuki seemed like a castle he pictured in his mind; a high, impregnable castle that he had laid siege to. He had tried to charge it, to breach its thick walls. He had tried sapping, he had tried ramming, nothing had seemed to work. The walls were still there. Just as high, just as thick, just as deaf to his words, his pleas, his vows of love. Nothing he had done had put a single chink in those stones. Once he had thought they had, he had thought he had seen the drawbridge lowering to allow him entry, but it had been nothing but an illusion and had slammed shut once more in his face, leaving him standing defeated and at the mercy of the elements. The Castle Yuki still stood, and Shuichi was beginning to think he had no choice but to take his army and retreat, and finally admit it was a lost cause.

He reached up and scrubbed a hand across his face, brushing away all traces of his tears. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his swirling emotions. He was just tired. Tired and feeling lonely, and desperately wanting to see Yuki and hold him, and yet fearing he would be rejected once more.

He leant back in his seat, and laid a hand flat on his chest. He felt the gentle tapping of his heartbeat under his fingers lightly resting there. His heart was still there, it was still beating. It hadn't been ripped out completely.

Not yet.