Title: Is It Enough?

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation
Warnings: angst
Author's Notes: Thank you for the kind words from my reviewers. Hope you continue to enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 5: Is It Enough To Die?

The silence felt like it was smothering him. Shuichi wasn't really used to silence. In fact, too much of it bothered him. Silence seemed so….empty, devoid of anything. So he wasn't too fond of silence. When he was awake there was inevitably a substantial amount of noise, generally from him more than anyone else. The only time he was dead silent was if he were asleep. Even then, Yuki claimed grumpily, that he often talked in his sleep!

The rain had ceased falling now, although the street lights still showed the dark world outside gleaming with the sheen of moisture that covered everything. Pressing his face against the window and peering forwards as they rounded a bend he could see the lights of Tokyo creating a glow in the sky that looked like a dome-shaped force-field from some sci-fi movie. It wouldn't be long before they reached it now.

Everyone on the bus was still slumbering in peace and the silence continued to settle over them all. He yawned widely, rubbing at his sore eyes, feeling the beginnings of a headache. He sighed tiredly. He really wished he could have got some sleep like the others but it had eluded him the entire trip. Whilst touring he was always on a 'high' most of the time, which was beneficial for injecting loads of energy into the concerts and putting on spectacular displays for the adoring fans, but he generally also found it hard to come down from those giddy heights. As Hiro had once said, he seemed to run on adrenalin for the entire tour, no matter how long it was, and then would crash for a week or so after as his body tried to cope with the 'downer' that naturally had to follow. It wasn't just his body that had to recuperate from this experience, but also his mind. He always found that his emotions seemed to be overly sensitive during this recuperative phase, as though they too had been stretched to breaking point as he poured everything he had into his music; physically, mentally and emotionally.

Right now, his subconscious knew that the tour was over and was slowly releasing its hold on his weary body. Whilst he was on a 'high' he slept very little, his energy levels so great that he could keep going on just a few hours sleep and still look fresh and sound great. He always paid for it later as after it was all over he would often sleep for days straight. He supposed he would have to sleep on the couch when he got back home, Yuki probably wouldn't like him staying in bed the whole time. Though he mightn't like him sleeping on the couch permanently either as he would be in the way if he wanted to watch TV. Perhaps he should just go home to his parents for a while until he was back to normal? That way he wouldn't be a bother to Yuki.

Shuichi shifted in his seat. It really wasn't the most comfortable and he was quite amazed that the rest had managed to be able to sleep at all. Their regular tour bus, the one kitted out with proper beds so they were able to get a decent rest when on the road, had broken down at their last stop and rather than wait for it to be repaired they had all agreed to simply swap with one of the small support buses so they could all head home. So that had resulted in them all crammed into their current mode of transport. Thank goodness it at least had a bathroom!

Everybody was looking forward to getting back to Tokyo and their normal lives. Touring was great but it was also extremely tiring, and Shuichi knew that Hiro missed Ayaka even though they talked almost every night. He felt a pang of envy. Hiro and Ayaka were always talking, telling each other what was happening every day they were apart. He would often hear Hiro laughing during their conversations. He always looked so happy, both during and after the conversations. Shuichi wished that he felt like that also. He pulled out his phone and looked at it, calling up the stored messages, scrolling through them. Every 'idiot' or 'moron' that he read made him feel worse. He quickly turned it off and pushed it back into his pocket.

He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, resting his chin on his kneecaps. Just what would Yuki be like when he got back? He couldn't tell from the messages he had received from him. One word responses to his lengthy texts didn't tell him anything about how Yuki was really feeling. Why couldn't Yuki at least try and have a conversation with him? Hasn't he missed him at all whilst he's been away? What did he have to do to make the man notice him?

He had tried everything he could think of during their relationship to make Yuki really see him. He had chased him, given in to him and agreed to have sex, he had dressed as a girl, he had let himself been abused both physically and mentally by others, he had traveled half way round the world to another country to find him. What else could he do? Was nothing he did good enough for Yuki? Was that it? Was there some sort of ideal that Yuki expected of him that he just couldn't achieve no matter how hard he tried?

He felt a tear trickle down his face but made no move to brush it aside. He knew he was a crybaby. Well, who wouldn't be when you didn't even know if your 'lover' actually loved you! He wasn't stupid. Okay, he was bit hyperactive. He could almost hear Yuki's snort of derision at that statement. All right, he was very hyperactive he amended churlishly to that imagined voice in his mind. But was that really a bad thing?

He knew not to bother Yuki too much when he was busy writing and trying to make deadlines. He tried his best to keep the noise down to a bare minimum or stayed at the studio late so as not to be a distraction. He would even try and do as much of the housework as he could without getting yelled out. He didn't attempt to cook as that usually did result in a bombardment of abuse from Yuki as he tried to push through the smoke with the fire extinguisher, but apart from those odd disasters he really did try to make certain that he didn't get in the way of Yuki's work.

He knew Yuki's likes and dislikes, and wherever possible, would try and buy a special something for him, especially to satisfy the man's sweet tooth, just to do something nice for him during those hectic times. He would make certain to wear headphones when he was playing his music or video games, and he never invited Hiro over for a drinking session. He did everything he could to not be a nuisance and to show Yuki in all those little ways that he understood what he was like and what he needed, but none of it seemed to work.

He hugged his knees tighter. He knew that at the start it hadn't been easy – for either of them. Yuki had just as hard a time of it in some ways as he had. He had ended up in hospital and Shuichi knew it was his fault in a way. He shuddered at the memory, almost being able to smell the astringent aroma of bleach. He hated hospitals – more now than ever!

He remembered what it had felt like when he had found out that Yuki was in hospital. How his heart had seemed to just stop in his chest and he could no longer breathe. He had been terrified as he had rushed to see him, terrified that he was going to lose him. That had been a horrible, horrible time. Then, on top of the fear of losing him to illness, he had thought he was going to lose him anyway. That he was going to leave him, go away and leave him all alone. He had tried to be brave, tried to be unselfish and gracious and let the man he loved go, to think of his health and what was best for him. But he couldn't!

He had stood there and gazed down at Yuki's sleeping form, the man's pale face far whiter than he had ever seen it before. His heart had clenched as he had realized he really was sick. This wasn't a dream, it wasn't pretend, it wasn't just some little thing like a common cold. Yuki was really sick. His heart had ached so much for the pain that he realized his lover must have been going through. He had wanted so much to be able to take that pain away and make it better for him so Yuki would never have to suffer again.

Yet at the same time, watching Yuki, seeing him there like that, the thought of him leaving and going away broke him in two. He couldn't let him go, he just couldn't! He had told Yuki that, declaring he would die if he left him and he meant it, he really did. It felt like his heart was being ripped to shreds at the mere thought. Yuki had said that he wouldn't leave then and he had been so happy about it, so relieved. He hadn't lost him – not to that damn ulcer, and not to New York. He had thought he had won then….but it hadn't lasted for long.

How many times had Yuki left him? Three? Four? He had lost count. He had always been the one to try and find him, to go and bring him back, convince him that he should come back. The lengths he had gone to, doing things that he would never have thought he would possibly do for anyone else had amazed even him. He had hoped he would never have to dress up like a girl again though. Trying to figure out how to put on lipstick had been a pain! Yet he had done it, done it all for Yuki, and he knew that he would do it all again if he had to. He just knew it. But would Yuki do the same?

When he had gone to America, after being kidnapped by Judy, Yuki had followed him to bring him home. That had been wonderful in a way, although also completely unexpected and surprising. It had confused him the way Yuki had behaved at that time, the things he had said and done. It had been a little scary as well. He had seemed so different from normal, and Shuichi now couldn't help but wonder if Yuki had come simply because the man couldn't stand anyone else taking something away from him that was his, even if he didn't really want it. Was it that Yuki didn't like anyone taking something of his before he had finished with it and discarded it? Was that all it had been? Was that all Shuichi was to him? Yuki still never told him why exactly he had come all that way to get him. What did he actually mean to the man? Even now, when asked about that time, Yuki would just shrug irritably and say 'What's it matter? It's in the past.'. That told Shuichi nothing.

Now, for the past three months he had barely heard from Yuki. The odd text message, which was nothing more than one word, not a single voice message, nothing mentioned about the fight they had had before he had left. Nothing to say Yuki was thinking about him, or missing him, or looking forward to seeing him. It was all so brief and short, and almost eerie in its silence. The more Shuichi thought about it the more nervous he felt about it.

He suddenly sat bolt upright as though shocked. Was Yuki sick again, he wondered, frowning. Is that why his messages were so short? Was he in hospital? Had he stopped taking his medication? What if it wasn't even him sending those messages? Terror flooded through him. What if Yuki was dead and it was someone else pretending to be him sending those responses so he didn't find out? What if it was Tohma covering up for Yuki's death, or Tatsuha, or….

Shuichi gripped his hair with both hands and tugged on it hard, hard enough to cause pain. Stop it, stop it, STOP IT! He commanded his racing thoughts. Stop being an idiot! This is what Yuki is constantly yelling at you about. You just go right off the deep end at the slightest thing!

He took a deep calming breath. If anything had happened to Yuki he would have been told. Tohma Seguchi may be a lot of things, and most of them scary, but he wasn't downright cruel for no reason. No matter what his thoughts were about Shuichi, if anything had happened to Yuki, Tohma would have told him. Sakano would have been contacted in the least.

Anther deep breath. So nothing was wrong with Yuki. At least not in the medical way. He was fine.

Yet, in some ways, that just made things worse, because there wasn't any reason then for Yuki's coldness over the past three months. He wasn't ill, or in hospital, so why wasn't he talking to him? He never seemed to notice Shuichi except to yell at him over something, or when he wanted sex. What did he have to do get noticed, in a positive way, by the man? Did Yuki even take any notice of anything about him? Did he know his likes and dislikes the way he did Yuki's?

He dropped his chin to his knees again, returning to his previous pose. Yuki remembered everything about Kitazawa. He had told Shuichi so much about his previous tutor, the things he remembered were amazing. It seemed he could speak about every day they had shared together, everything they had done, every conversation they had had during his time in New York, right up until that fateful incident.

Shuichi had thought that it had been a positive sign of Yuki's recovery that he could remember so much now and was no longer hiding from it, no longer burying those memories so deep inside him that they were eating him alive without him realizing it. He had thought it was therapeutic for Yuki to be able to talk about it all, to get it out in the open, and Shuichi had listened to every word, encouraging Yuki to continue to open up and offload it all. He had thought that once Yuki had come to terms with all of his past with Kitazawa that he would then be ready to look towards the future. A future with Shuichi. He had had such hopes for that – but it didn't happen.

When Yuki spoke of Kitazawa, Shuichi would see his whole face light up. His eyes would brighten as he gazed inwardly upon those fond memories of his first love and his features would soften in a way that Shuichi had rarely seen. Yuki almost seemed like a different person when he spoke of that past, of his love. His voice would deepen in tone, lovingly caressing each word he spoke, laying those memories out tenderly one by one.

He began to realize that although Kitazawa was dead and, yes, Yuki was aware of that and didn't seem to be trying to compare him to that ghost any longer, it still seemed that Kitazawa was so much more alive to Yuki than he was. It still seemed that that long dead person still held a greater position in Yuki's heart and mind. Would he ever be able to push that spectre from its elevated perch in his heart? What did he have to do to reach that point?

He sighed as two more tears slipped from the corner of his eyes. He didn't know what else he could do. He had done everything he could. Every day, in every way, he had tried to show Yuki how much he loved him, how much he meant to him. There was nothing left of him anymore, he didn't know what to do any longer.

Was the only way to truly beat Kitazawa was to…die? Could Yuki only love someone who was dead because then there would never be anything to alter those memories, nothing could change once they were gone? The memories would stay the same then, captured for all eternity. Was that what Yuki wanted? A martyr to his love, someone he could then take out and hold up to the light to see them reflected back in all their glory, always the same, never changing. Would the only time he meant anything to Yuki be once he was…gone?

He didn't want to die, despite what he might have said back then in the hospital. He didn't want to die at all because he wanted to live a long and full life with Yuki by his side! Was that so bad, to want to do that? Whenever Yuki had left him it had been hard and nearly torn him apart and it had made him feel like he was going to die, but that was because he wanted so much to live! He wanted to live with Yuki! Yet would Yuki only be happy if he did die?

He buried his face into his knees, pressing his weeping eyes against the harsh denim of his jeans. He didn't want to die! He didn't, he didn't! He wanted to live and be happy and do all the normal things that people do, and he wanted to do them with Yuki! He wanted Yuki to want to do all that with him also! Why couldn't he forget Kitazawa and love him! There was just no way he could compete with a dead person.

He heard the rustle of movement and peered over the top of his arm. Across the aisle Hiro reached his arms upwards in a joint popping stretch, yawning widely and then running his fingers through his long hair, fingers snagging in the knots. He grimaced and gently disentangled his hands and just shook his head instead to try and settle his flowing locks. Suguru also stirred behind and batted irritably at the hand that Hiro reached over to muss his short hair. Hiro just laughed at his pout. Towards the front, Sakano stood and immediately straightened his suit and tie, pushing his ever present glasses up the bridge of his nose, whilst behind him Shuichi could hear further movement and a sound that always made him twitch nervously, that being the click of the hammer of a gun being drawn back. K was obviously awake also. It was then that Shuichi noticed that the interior of the bus was brighter, not due to any change in the lighting inside the vehicle but due to the increasing number of lights outside. Without him noticing they had entered Tokyo and were now driving through the heart of the city.

They were nearly home, it wasn't far away now.

Nor was Yuki.