Is It Enough?

by JadeHeart

Questioning the reasons that hold Shuichi and Yuki together.

6. Somebody Save My Life

Title: Is It Enough?

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation
Warnings: angst
Author's Notes: Thank you everyone who is following this story. After finishing this chapter I guess my feelings have been that up until now Shuichi has always been trying to hold the relationship together and be positive whilst working hard towards that end. However, after all that work, he is now having all the doubts that he refused to have previously. Yuki, on the other hand, had spent his time trying to avoid the relationship and everything that went with it, yet had now reached the stage of accepting it. The two of them always seem to be working at cross-purposes!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 6: Somebody Save My Life

Yuki settled back in the seat of the taxi, closing his eyes for a moment. He had slipped his sunglasses back into his pocket once he had left the terminal and the darkness was a welcome relief. It shouldn't take long to get home, the traffic wasn't heavy even for a city that never sleeps such as Tokyo. A small weary sigh escaped his lips involuntarily. He just wanted to be home!

Opening his eyes, he gazed into the night, seeing the lights of the passing cars from both directions illuminate the interior of the cab briefly before it dropped back into darkness once more. He reached up a hand and ran it lightly over the glass, removing the faint mist that had formed there from his warm breath striking the window. The lights cut through the night again; bright, then dark.

Tomorrow he intended to take it easy. His new book could wait. He didn't have any pressing deadlines at this stage, though that would inevitably occur later no doubt, but that was later. Tomorrow was going to be just for him, a day of rest, a day to put his feet up and forget about work and wind down from this past hectic two weeks.

He felt his lips twitch into what could have been the beginnings of a smile. He was sure he would have to practically tie and gag Shuichi though if he was going to get any peace! That idiot would probably come home bouncing, all fired up, excited about everything as usual.

His thoughts paused for a moment as he frowned. Though then again, Shuichi usually slept a fair bit when he returned from tour also. After this extensive run he would probably be just as exhausted from being constantly on the road and the late nights that ensued. So he probably wouldn't be his normal hyperactive self.

Perhaps this could work out after all. With both of them tired they could then relax and recuperate. Yuki just hoped that he would recover before his exuberant younger half. Once Shuichi's 'on' switch had been pressed there was no peace for anyone within his vicinity. There were only two stages for Shuichi – on and off, and that applied for all things!

Another twitch of the lips. Hmm, Yuki mused, leaning closer to the window feeling the coolness against his forehead. He hoped Shuichi wouldn't be too tired when he first arrived home though. He'd get really pissed off if the brat decided to fall asleep in the middle of them having sex. He really did want to lose himself in that moment of utmost intimacy, to feel the warmth of another body pressed against his, the touch of small hands gliding over his skin, firm fingers stroking him, lips pressed against his, the tightness as he pushed….

He swallowed hard, pushing those thoughts aside for the moment as he felt his trousers tighten uncomfortably. Later, he was sure he would have the chance later. Now, stuck in a frigging taxi cab, was not the place to be thinking about that!

He managed to control his baser desires and his thoughts returned to their previous tack. Actually, if they were both going to be resting up over the next few days, that would give them plenty of time to be left alone for once. No K barging in with a hail of bullets and dragging Shuichi off, he wouldn't have annoying phone calls or visits from his editor, and Shuichi's band-mates would be spending that time recovering also so wouldn't be bothering them. This might really work. For once they might actually be alone!

That thought warmed his heart, and he shifted in his seat a little, pushing back into the corner. Just think what they could do! They could make love slowly, not having to rush because one or both of them had pressing things to do, or being concerned about being interrupted. It would actually be a bit of a novelty for them to have sex during the day. Usually they were far too busy and it just wasn't convenient, so any form of sexual activity was generally reserved for the evenings. That's if they weren't too tired! He knew that some people thought that the two of them went at it like rabbits all the time, but the truth of the matter was that they both had very busy lives that were quite demanding, not just on their time but also on their energy, so more often than not they would be too exhausted to do much. Many times, no matter how frustrating it was for them both, their love making ended up being quick and hurried, simply to reach the climax as soon as possible so they could then sleep. It was hardly satisfactory for either of them many a time, but that was still better than nothing.

He yearned for his younger partner so much sometimes it would frighten him. He was worried at times that his need for Shuichi would cause him to be too rough in his eagerness. He tried not to be, but he knew that sometimes he wasn't as careful as he should be. He should be thankful that Shuichi seemed to understand at those times and didn't really complain about it, apart from letting him know to take it easier next time. Still, if they could have some time when it didn't have to be like that…

These next few days could be really special, if all went according to plan. He grimaced and couldn't stop the snort that escaped him. Plan? What plan! As they said about the best laid plans of mice and men…. The best way to be was to not actually plan anything, because you could guarantee that it just wouldn't work out that way. Not for the two of them! Sometimes he wondered if they were jinxed. From the time they had first met it had seemed to be one drama after another, one disaster after another. Just how much could happen to two ordinary guys, for fuck's sake!

Well, maybe not that ordinary. Anyone who had ever met Shuichi would never dream of using that word in describing him! Insane would be the general consensus, no doubt. And as for him..…

He stared into the night. Well, even he knew he couldn't exactly be called 'normal'. Could he be expected to be? Normal, that is, after all that he had been through. How many years had he been lost in his past? Seven, eight? How normal was that, to have buried memories that you refused to acknowledge? Oh, he knew that it happened to others. In cases of child abuse it was fairly common in fact.

He saw his breath steam the glass again, each puff creating a sheen of white mist before his lips. Although he had buried those memories, it didn't mean that they had gone away. Even without him realizing they had controlled his every action and thought from that time onwards.

He brushed the moisture from the window again, feeling the coldness against his warm flesh. He had allowed Kitazawa to control his life for so long. Not just back when he was living in New York, but even after Kitazawa had still controlled his life from the grave. He had given that much power to the man because he had loved him; he admired and respected him. Kitazawa had been his whole world back then. And the man had used that power to his full advantage; used and abused him and continued to exert that control even after he was dead. How could a dead man have so much influence over him?

He believed now it was because he had buried his memories, refusing to acknowledge them, refusing to accept them, refusing to face them. A deep rooted fear of confronting and upsetting his teacher and possibly losing that man's love, stemmed from his sixteen year old self. That fear of confrontation, that fear of fighting with his mentor, had crippled him as he grew older. So he had done the only thing he could think of - he hid. He buried all those memories as deep as he could and refused to see them.

Until Shuichi had forced him to realize that to have a future, you have to lay your past to rest. He hadn't truly realized just how far in the past he had still dwelt. He had thought he had moved on. Wasn't he a different person to what he had been back then at sixteen? Wasn't that change enough to show he had grown beyond those times? Obviously not. Definitely not. In fact, it had been the most disastrous thing he could probably have done to himself.

He ran his hand through his hair and tugged at a lock on the back of his neck. Shuichi had made him face all that. It was he that had made him face the fact that it wasn't Kitazawa controlling him still, but that he was allowing Kitazawa to control him. He was giving that ghost the power over him even after all these years. Ghosts have no power unless the living give it to them. It was his memories and fears that were constantly feeding that spectre and keeping it alive and present.

He cringed a little and shrugged his shoulders in his jacket. He came to that realization when Shuichi had forced him to see that he was seeing Kitazawa even in him. That had been like a jolt to the heart and he had to face the fact that that was exactly what he had been doing. He had been trying to recreate Kitazawa in Shuichi, trying to give his lost love life and breath in the body of his new lover. It was Shuichi who saw that and realized what was going on, but it wasn't until that was thrown back in his face that Yuki could see it for himself. And the thought had made him feel ill.

He knew that he still harboured feelings for Kitazawa. You don't forget your first love, no matter how it turns out in the long run. Those initial feelings that you have the first time you find someone truly 'special' to you, beyond friendship, could never be lost, taken away or replaced. So he would always 'love' Kitazawa in a way, despite what occurred. That was when he realized that it actually wasn't his 'love' that he was trying to re-create. He was trying to find absolution for his actions back then. He was trying to recreate Kitazawa in Shuichi so he could try and make up for the fact that he had killed the man. That is what he was actually trying to do. And the thought that the ghost of Kitazawa still had so much power over him to the point of trying to take over Shuichi was suddenly terrifying. Because even though he wanted to try and make it up to Kitazawa, he also didn't want to lose Shuichi.

When he had first met Shuichi he hadn't intended to tell him anything of his past. He had thought the dalliance would be short-lived, that was after he accepted that there was going to be a dalliance at all. Then he had thought he could shock the youth with his confession, that it would send him fleeing, seeking to escape this dangerous man that he had mistakenly become involved with. Instead Shuichi had declared that he didn't care, and that he still loved Yuki no matter what.

He hadn't understood why Shuichi said he could still love him after he had told him the truth. He didn't think that the youth had truly understood what he had been telling him, that the brat had thought it was just some strange story, a rather grim fairytale, but that it couldn't possibly be real.

But that hadn't been the case. Shuichi had understood, understood enough to follow him, to come to him when he been sitting there in New York with a gun in his hand and agonizing about the past and the horrors it contained, lost in the events of that one day. Even now, to this very day, he didn't know if he would have put the gun against his head and pulled the trigger just to stop the constant noise in his head and the ache in his heart.

Yet Shuichi had come to him there. Come to him, wrapped his arms around him, kissed him and told him that he loved him and he would never leave him. And ever since that day the youth continued to say that – I love you. Those words, those three words that were infinitesimally small in the immense volume of words that existed in the world. Yet those three words held such weight, meant so much more than any other words could. They were his world.

From that day, he had begun to build his future upon those words. He laid his past to rest. He exorcised Kitazawa's spirit and sent it on its way with his blessings and a prayer for forgiveness, and he no longer clung to it because he had no way of knowing if that forgiveness had been granted or not.

Slowly, he put it all aside and focused on his current lover. He watched carefully everything Shuichi did, how he behaved, what he said, tried to understand him. Yuki acknowledge that he wasn't the most observant person when it came to other people's feelings, but he was trying. He didn't like fighting with Shuichi, it made him feel sick in his stomach, but sometimes he couldn't seem to stop the words from falling from his lips, and when he saw the tears well up in his lover's eyes it just made his heart hurt more. Unfortunately, when he was hurting or feeling upset, those emotions generally came out as anger. He had been trying hard to change that but it wasn't easy to change a pattern of a lifetime. He thanked all the gods for sending him a partner who was as understanding as Shuichi, someone who accepted him the way he was and stayed with him even though he knew he could be a complete bastard at times. Yuki snorted softly again. Although there were times that the brat deserved it!

Yuki glanced down at his watch, and checked the scenery outside. Another couple of blocks and he would be home. Finally!

Since meeting Shuichi he had changed. It might have only been by a little, but he had changed. The people closest to him had noticed; Tohma, Mika, Tatsuha. Hell, even Mizuki, his editor, had commented on it! He would have to be careful or he would ruin his reputation! But he couldn't help but change. Shuichi made him want to change, to be a better person. Not for himself or anyone else, but for Shuichi alone.

Did Shuichi even know how much he had done for Yuki, how much it meant to him? He had been so completely lost, slowing dieing, more emotionally than physically, although the ulcer that had been eating away at his guts might have been a different matter. He had saved him from his past, from his memories and helped him finally purge that guilt. He had convinced him that it was okay for him to still be alive and okay for him to feel again. Shuichi had probably saved his life that day in New York, taking the gun from his hands. The youth had saved him from all that, given him a reason again for living and not just being alive.

He hadn't thought he would ever have that again, and the thought that it could be ripped away from him was terrifying. It would make him wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. When Shuichi was away he didn't sleep well with so many worries and fears surrounding him. He wanted to have the youth near him always. Not necessarily stuck in his back pocket but to know, to really know, that Shuichi wasn't going anywhere, that he wouldn't leave him. To know that he would always be with him. These feelings, this need that he had, was frightening yet at the same time uplifting. He would do anything to fight to keep Shuichi. He would do anything to ensure that the youth stayed with him. He wouldn't give up on their relationship – ever.

The taxi pulled up and Yuki dragged his bag out with him as he exited. He passed the fare over, not worrying about the change then turned to look up at their apartment. The windows were dark, Shuichi can't be home yet.

This time his lips did curve in small smile. It didn't matter. He would be home soon, no doubt. He began to walk towards the door. He was finally home and soon they would be together again.