Title: Is It Enough?

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation
Warnings: angst/romance
Author's Notes: Whew – made it! This story has actually reached the end, surprisingly! The CD has also been banished from my car so it can't generate anything else! I'm rather glad this has reached its conclusion before I go away. It's put me in a very good mood! So I will see people when I get back from Japan in a few weeks times! Hope you like how it's finished.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 7: I'd Rather Be Anything But Ordinary, Please

He pushed the door open and walked into the darkness. Reaching out he flicked the light switch on as he toed off his shoes and squinted in the brightness. His bag he dropped lazily next to the couch, not bothering to take it as far as the bedroom to unpack. He shrugged out of his jacket, letting it fall in a crumpled state next to it. That was only going to the laundry basket anyway so what did it matter?

He immediately made a bee-line for the refrigerator. Opening the door he ignored the furry objects pushed to the back that looked like they were breeding and snagged a beer instead. Letting the door fall shut behind him, he walked across to the window, cracking the can open and taking a long swallow. Ah, that felt good! No matter that he didn't mind drinking spirits, deep down he was a beer man through and through.

He took another long, deep swallow, feeling the cool liquid slide down his throat, chilling him a little. He shivered at the feeling but it didn't stop him having another long draught. He looked around the room he was standing in. Everything was the same as when he had left it so obviously Shuichi hadn't been home yet. If he had been there would have been clothes strewn across the couch in the process of being unpacked, the table covered in 'souvenirs' as the youth would call them whilst Yuki declared they were junk and why did they need more of the stuff, the play-station would be out and the TV on. He gazed steadily at the pristine cleanliness he could see at present, trying to imprint it on his mind, for he knew that it wouldn't last long once his partner returned.

He took another deep drink as he looked out the window. It was beginning to rain again, just a soft drizzle unlike the downpour earlier. Looking up, he could see through the bright lights of the city that the cloud cover was breaking up, patches of night sky briefly glimpsed, the odd pinprick of light as a star winked before being hidden once more.

It felt good to be home. He could feel himself beginning to relax, each muscle releasing hidden tension. This was his haven, his safe house. Here was where he could truly be himself, whether that was being nice or being a bastard. His lips twitched with the beginnings of a smirk. He was sure that Shuichi would state he was a bastard all the time!

He glanced at his watch. It was coming close to midnight. No wonder he was tired. It had been a full day, beginning with an early rise to drive to the next location of his book tour due to accommodation being unavailable any closer, the signings and subsequent interview for the local paper which took up most of the rest of the day, driving to the last location for a another appearance in the late afternoon, the final inevitable discussions with Mizuki who had followed him the entire time, before finally being able to load himself onto a plane for the flight home. He found these long days on the run to be more tiring than he remembered once. He snorted to himself as he took another drink. He must be getting old!

He walked across and dropped the empty can into the bin contemplating the idea of grabbing another, desire for alcohol warring with common sense. For once common sense won out surprisingly. He really must be getting old!

He patted his pockets, searching for the familiar bulge which wasn't there. With a sigh of frustration he walked over to his jacket, picking it up and retrieving cigarettes and lighter, before letting the material slither back to its original place. Placing one between his lips he lit the end, inhaling deeply. Oh, how he had needed that! He stood there for a moment with closed eyes, just savouring the feel of the nicotine filling his senses, the soothing sensation of steady inhalation and exhalation. Opening his eyes he once again squinted at the brightness of the light. He grimaced and stalked over to flick the switch off. The room was plunged again into darkness and he let out a mental sigh of relief. Ah, much better. He padded across the room back to the window, admiring the lights he could now see perfectly without the clash of the interior light as they illuminated the darkness beyond.

He stood there smoking. If it was this late Shuichi should be home soon. He heard the rattle of a key in the door.

The cab pulled up and Shuichi wearily stepped out, clutching his small backpack. The rest of his luggage would be dropped off once the other buses from their entourage reached Tokyo. Everything he really needed was in this one bag anyway. The cab sped away quickly as soon as Shuichi had exited, Tohma having already pre-paid the driver so Shuichi didn't have to worry about the fare.

He looked up at the apartment window. It was in darkness. Yuki must be in bed, he thought. He looked at his watch. It was nearly midnight so that wasn't too surprising. Unless Yuki had a deadline to meet he wasn't a complete night owl. He shuffled to the front door, ignoring the soft rain that fell on him, clinging like tiny diamonds to his hair. He hoped he could be quiet enough not to wake the man if he was already asleep. He sighed. Guess he was sleeping on the couch after all. That thought sent a single tear trickling down his face to mingle with the rain. He really had wanted to be able to hold Yuki, even just for a little while.

He opened the door, shivering as the movement dislodged the raindrops to slither coldly down his neck. He should have a hot shower when he got in but he couldn't do that if Yuki was sleeping. He was sure to wake up with the sound of the running water and the last thing he needed just at this point was to be yelled at by Yuki over something so trivial. He didn't think he could take that, and if he broke down over it he would just be yelled at again.

His shoulders slumped as he slowly made his way to their apartment. He looked at the door before him. Perhaps he should just call a cab and go to Hiro's? No, he had mentioned that Ayaka would be waiting for him so he couldn't exactly gate-crash their reunion. Suguru? He grimaced and shook his head. No, that wouldn't work either. He was being dropped off by Tohma for starters and still lived at home so there was every chance that Tohma would still be around. Having to deal with that man right now was not a happy thought. Maybe he should just go home? No, he dismissed that idea just as quickly. It was far too late and he didn't want to disturb his family, nor did he want to deal with the inevitable questions of his late arrival.

Another sigh. That's it then. There just isn't any choice in the matter at all. He slipped the key into the door and pushed it open, the light behind him stretching into the darkness, creeping across the floor.

He entered, closing the door behind him, pausing in the hall to allow his eyes to become adjusted to the darkness. He sniffed. The room smelt…musty. He felt his stomach clench a little. Musty, like it had been closed up for a while. He knew it had been raining off and one for some days now but this smell….he knew this smell. It was horrifyingly familiar and haunted so many of his dreams. It was the smell of an empty apartment.

A movement at the window caught his eye making him start and drop his bag in shock. He froze for a moment in fear, thinking of burglars, of ghosts, of unimagined horrors. The glowing end of a cigarette flared briefly and the bitter tang of tobacco smoke finally reached his nostrils. That, and the subtle scent of Yuki's familiar cologne. He let out a relieved sigh and relaxed a little. It was Yuki. Only Yuki.

"Oh. I…didn't see you there." He toed off his shoes and crossed the room to stand at the window also, at the opposite end to where Yuki leant.

Yuki remained silent, the glow of the cigarette the only indication that he was still there. Shuichi looked around the room, wondering why he was standing here in the dark. The man had probably been working late and was about to turn in. Then his eyes fell upon the bag and jacket by the couch. His breath caught in his throat, choking him. Bag…..the dark….Yuki not saying anything to him. His mind screamed, a long wail of anguish. Yuki was leaving him!

He felt his heart freeze solid before shattering, tiny slivers raining down on his soul, slicing it to ribbons as they fluttered in the storm of despair that was coursing through him. His shoulders slumped and he crossed his arms tightly across his chest.

He was doing it. He was doing it again. He was leaving him! Shuichi shook, the vibrations threatening to shake him apart. That was it. It was finally….over.

Yuki waited until the door opened and then closed behind the person entering before turning. He wasn't worried that it wasn't Shuichi. Tatsuha may have had the key to this place also but he knew better than to arrive unannounced now and had taken care to follow that rule after Yuki had forcefully pounded it into his head one day after he and Shuichi had been interrupted in the middle of their lovemaking. Tatsuha may have got a nice eyeful but he hadn't been seeing much out of one of those eyes after the punch Yuki landed. Tatsuha had managed to be a good boy since that time. Well, as good as that idiot perverted brother of his could be!

Sure enough it was Shuichi who entered. Yuki drew on his cigarette and almost jumped himself as Shuichi's bag hit the floor suddenly.

"Oh. I…didn't see you there." Shuichi had said softly and walked over to join him.

He stood there silently looking at his partner, letting his eyes slowly drink him in. Although they stood in darkness the illumination from the night world outside cast enough light for him to see the youth before him.

He looks tired, Yuki thought, taking another drag on his cigarette. It must have been pretty grueling this trip for him to look this wrung out. He drank in the image of that round face, those large eyes. He noted that the hair was wet, the moisture making it gleam in the muted lighting as though it were polished metal. Shuichi looked like a lost waif, with torn jeans and baggy shirt falling from one shoulder under his skewed coat.

He saw Shuichi's eyes glance across the room and rest on his bag. He's probably wondering what that is about. He watched as the youth crossed his arms across his chest, hugging himself. The idiot is probably cold, Yuki snorted quietly to himself. Trust the moron to get himself caught in the rain! He's a mega-superstar and can't afford a frigging umbrella!

"You should get in a shower soon and don't take forever," he said, "I've had a long day too and want one as well, so don't hog all the water."

"Long…day?" Shuichi sounded hesitant.

Yuki ran his hand through his hair, tugging irritably at the knots. "Yeah. This last book tour has been hell, especially today. Mizuki can go fuck herself if she suggests another itinerary like this one."

"Oh…you've….been away then?"

Yuki took another drag of the cigarette. It was nearly finished. "Yeah."

"Oh. I…see."

Shuichi felt a wave of relief wash over him, soothing his turbulent emotions. Yuki wasn't leaving! He had just come back! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! He prayed to whatever gods were listening. He wasn't leaving him!

"It's good to be home." Yuki said looking out the window, reaching down and stubbing the cigarette out in the ashtray resting on the sill.

Shuichi looked at the man before him, his heart swelling once more with all the feelings of love he had for this one person. Yeah, home. It was home. Even for him, because home was wherever Yuki was. It wasn't a place, a location, a room, or an address. Home was a person; the one and only person that you wanted with you in your life, that you had to have in your life always. No matter how difficult things got, no matter how hard, or awkward, or strange their relationship was, he didn't want to be anywhere else. Yes, he was home, truly home.

Yet, the small dark worm still squirmed in the back of his mind. He wanted to ask something but was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. He didn't want to fight again, not now, not ever, but he couldn't stay completely silent either.

He licked his lips nervously and steeled himself as he spoke up, "I'm…sorry…about before. I…didn't want to…make you mad." Yuki didn't say anything and he went on, "Is….is it always going to be….like this for us?"

He waited for the explosion but Yuki just asked, "Like what?"

He swallowed again, his hands shaking, "Will we…always fight? And….hurt each other?" The last was said in an almost whisper.

Yuki looked at the slumped figure before him. So small, so fragile, yet…he was constantly amazed by how much strength there was in that tiny-seeming body. Even that tiny mind! You wouldn't think there was anything serious or sane happening between this idiot's ears most of the time! However, there was so much more to Shuichi than you realised. There were hidden depths to him that Yuki was slowly discovering and it was that strength that he had leant on for some time now without realising it. If Shuichi hadn't been this strong neither of them would have survived their initial meetings and subsequent relationship. Would they still fight? He knew he didn't want to, but he was still a realist in knowing that they were never going to agree on everything either. There was no 'happy ever after' in real life!

He shrugged a little as he finally answered the question, "I don't know. Probably, but even if we do, does it really matter? We're still together."

Shuichi squeezed his eyes together for moment in pain. "I just want us to be happy. Together."

"Aren't we?"

Shuichi looked up at Yuki, seeing the other man still standing there before him. Were they? Was Yuki really happy being with him?

"I….I don't know." Shuichi whispered in a strained voice. "I don't know anymore." All his insecurities and pain bubbled inside him as he struggled to form them into words. "It seems….that sometimes you just don't see me at all. I…know you don't think that I'm Kitazawa,' He glanced away quickly, afraid he would see Yuki becoming angry from his words. Kitazawa could still be a sensitive topic. "but it seems like I'm nothing more than a…shadow to you. He seems to be more real to you." Shuichi swallowed hard against the tears that threatened to fall.

The silence dragged out and Shuichi felt himself grow cold. He had done it now. Yuki already had a bag packed. He would just turn and pick it up and walk out the door. He had been a fool. He should have kept his mouth shut and just accepted this was the way it was and not said anything. He had just blown it all.

"For there to be a shadow," Yuki's calm voice cut through his thoughts, "There has to be light in the first place. Something has to bring that light in with it. That's what it's been like since the first time we met. A shadow never truly leaves, no matter what. Even when it is the darkest, the shadow will always be there, even if you can't see it. It is just waiting for the light to return."

Shuichi turned his eyes to Yuki, searching his face, hardly believing the words he was hearing.

"If you are that shadow," Yuki continued quietly, "then it means that you are always with me, even if I can't always see you. And when the darkness recedes, I find you still there. My shadow, my light - my only one."

Yuki stretched out his hand across the intervening distance between them. Shuichi looked at it and automatically reached out and laid his hand on top, palm to palm. Hesitantly he closed his slim fingers around the other's larger hand. The touch of the warm flesh on his slightly chilled and damp skin felt like heaven. He so wanted to feel that soft touch all over, touching every part of not just his body, but his heart and soul. He looked up into Yuki's eyes, wishing there was more light so he could gaze deeper into those hazel depths, to know that Yuki really meant those words. Could he believe them? Were they real?

Yuki curled his long fingers around the smaller ones in his. He reached his thumb across the back and rubbed it over the thin metal band nestled on Shuichi's finger, a perfect match to the one circling his own. He didn't regret that decision. It was his promise to Shuichi.

Shuichi watched Yuki's movement and his heart felt like it would burst as Yuki caressed that token of their bond. He remembered how he had felt when Yuki had presented him with the ring. It hadn't exactly been done romantically, but he knew that for Yuki, a man of few gestures and fewer words, that moment meant more than a thousand red roses and a million words of love. A soft smile curled his full lips and his eyes sparkled with all the love that he felt as his heart eased in his chest. He gently squeezed Yuki's hand, trying to let the man know just how much he loved him.

Yuki suddenly pulled him forcefully towards him, so hard and unexpectedly that Shuichi practically fell against the tall firm body before him, but the arms that wrapped around him were warm and gentle.

"Does it matter," Yuki's voice reached him, as he felt the rumble in the chest his cheek was pressed against, and his hair shifted with the warm breath touching it, "that we aren't like everyone else? After all, we are anything but ordinary."

Shuichi snuggled closer into Yuki's embrace, feeling the arms tighten a little more around him, holding him and making him feel safe and secure. "You're right," he said softly, circling Yuki's waist with his own thin arms, the smile never leaving his face. "We're not ordinary. We are our selves, and therefore, we are unique."

The end

2nd Author's Note:

Thanks to all the reviews. This is just a quick note that I wanted to put up to clarify a couple of things for readers.

Firstly, I didn't think this story should end with some dramatic finale or resolution for Yuki and Shuichi. To me it was more about the two of them having some of those deep thoughts we all have at one time or another, and they do resolve some things in themselves, but it's not necessarily going to be everything. Also, it was trying to show how those thoughts can drive people apart due to miscommunication and misinterpretation of words and actions, yet at the same time I had the feeling that both characters were spiraling towards each other at the same time, which is why the view point becomes a little more intertwined in the last chapter as every action and word does bring these two closer together until they are actually 'singing off the same song sheet'. I wanted to show that there was still a long way to go in this relationship, so, yes, the 'pattern' hasn't changed completely of how they react to each other. However from the resulting actions and words it shows that both of them are prepared to travel that road together to finally achieve their happiness, and acknowledging that it wasn't going to be easy for either of them.

Secondly, the issue of the rings I took from the last couple of pages of the manga, Vol 12. The clasped hands of Yuki and Shuichi are figured prominently in a number of panels on these pages and you see a ring on Shuichi's hand, and a matching one on Yuki's. If you look through the previous volumes you don't see these so my interpretation was that Yuki had given Shuichi a token of his love, even if it wasn't said in so many words. However, as the manga doesn't delve into that at all we don't know what words he might have said! In my mind I couldn't see Yuki going completely mushy about the giving of it!

Thirdly, in truth this last chapter could have been written without dialogue, however a big problem between Yuki and Shuichi is their lack of effective verbal communication most of the time! So I wanted to show that they actually could finally get their message across, more so from Yuki's perspective as he opens up that little bit more to Shuichi, and to do that there needed to be dialogue.

Hope that straightens a few things up and makes the story more enjoyable for all!