Disclaimer: I do not own Without a Trace, its plot or its characters…trust me, if I did, Martin and Sam would be married and he would NOT be on drugs…

A/N-So, what's up guys? Sorry about not updating since episode 2. School got incredibly busy (but that's no excuse). But then let's seriously consider what has happened so far this season. Samantha and Martin talked about tomatoes, Danny rode a motorcycle in Mexico and pushed Martin, Martin stole drugs and Jack is getting all choked up about a tie. There is season 4 as it stands in a nutshell.

So, I'm just going to go ahead and start with tonight's episode in which Samantha FINALLY finds out! Again, I cannot be held responsible for any unnecessary fluffiness in this…but I did try to keep it to a minimum since it was more about their friendship than romance.

Chapter Title: I Can't Lose Him

Episode: The Road Home

POV: Samantha Spade

I sat at the conference table, staring up at the picture of our latest victim. My foot was jiggling under the desk, half from irritation and half from worry. I checked my watch for what seemed like the hundredth time in that half hour.

"Where is he?" I thought to myself. It was so very unlike Martin to show up late to anything, but especially work?

Danny called from downstairs to tell me that he had the car ready to head out to the dispatcher's office. I picked up the file and headed to the elevator, simultaneously pulling out my cell phone and speed-dialing Martin's home number.

"Hello," said a groggy voice on the other end.

"What are you still doing at home? You were supposed to be here a half hour ago," I said, sounding much more domineering than I had intended to.

"What? Oh crap, I overslept. I'm sorry."

I couldn't conceal my smile. He sounded so clueless and I could just picture him lying in his bed with his eyes still closed before realizing what time it was, then jumping out of bed and scurrying around his bedroom trying to find a wrinkle-free shirt.

"What have I told you about staying out late on school nights?" His gruff laugh came through my ear piece.

It had been nice like that for a couple of weeks now. We could just joke around like we used to. Last year when we were dating, I was always double checking my words before they came out of my mouth to make sure that it wasn't too flirty. Then when we were fighting and after we broke up, I avoided him at all costs and only spoke to him when it was absolutely necessary. Then after the ambush, he had been frustrated and angry and I felt as if I were always walking on eggshells around him.

But now, things were starting to feel normal again. Like on the last case while we sat in the car waiting for the delivery man in orange and we talked about my fear of tomatoes. It was easy conversation. Nothing was forced anymore, and it was nice to have that part of our relationship back.

I'd be lying if I had said that I wasn't looking forward to working with Martin today.

But then he flipped out on Ramsey, using a knife on him. For a fleeting second, I was scared that Martin might murder him right there on the spot. I'd never seen him that angry before.

And then when I went back to the office and Danny went off about going and asking Martin myself, I couldn't help but feel a little frustrated. Clearly there was something going on here that I didn't know about.

And Danny certainly wasn't any help.

But as I stepped out of the cab in front of Martin's building, a wave of mixed emotions swept over me.

I hadn't been in this building since last April, almost a year now. I walked into the familiar lobby with its burgundy carpet and gleaming elevator doors. There's a new doorman, I couldn't help noticing as I smiled and passed him.

My finger went automatically to the "6" button in the elevator and my stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch as the doors closed on me and I was hurled upwards.

I didn't need to check the sign to see which way number 624 was.

But as I walked up to his door, an odd sense of foreboding fell over me. I just knew that whatever was about to happen would not be easy. I took a deep breath and lifted my hand to the door and knocked.

I heard him grumbling something inside as I knocked again.

"Who is it?"

"Samantha."

There was a hesitation before he opened the door. One thing's for sure, he definitely did not look happy to see me standing there.

"Hey, can I come in?" I asked as he kept the door slightly closed. "Bad time?"

"Well, I wasn't really expecting company, but yeah, come on in."

Whatever I thought, I was not prepared for what I saw when I walked into the normally spotless and organized apartment. There were clothes everywhere and trash on the floor and table. Martin's apartment had never been this messy before.

"Did Tina quit?" I asked, looking around at the horrible state of his coffee table.

"Nah, she went back to the DR. Her daughter's been sick."

That's when I saw it: that small orange bottle. I knew it didn't belong there but I did not expect to see the Gina Hill's name on the label.

"What are these?" I asked standing up once he was back in the living area.

"Prescription for my hip okay?" he replied defensively.

Maybe he could have fooled someone else with that story, but he was forgetting that I had been shot not too long ago myself. I had been prescribed the same pain killers and had been off of them before I needed to be.

"You got hurt over six months ago, you should be off these by now. And it also mentions Gina Hill. Did you steal these from her house?"

His face was contorted and I knew I'd guessed right.

"Know what, it's time for you to go," he said, anger dripping from every word as he turned to the door and put his hand on the knob.

"Did you take these from her house?" I asked again, moving forward but with no intention on leaving that apartment. He'd have to pick me up and throw me out the window if he wanted me gone that badly.

"You know what, back off because it's none of your business!"

"It is my business if you're stealing drugs from victim's homes!"

"Damn it, just STOP!" he yelled.

"No! This is a problem, it's…" but he cut me off.

"What do you want from me?" He had never yelled at me like that before. In all of our fights I was always the yeller and he was calm. Sure, he could throw in a few chosen comments that always made me feel worse than if he had yelled at me, but he never would raise him voice. And frankly, I was scared.

"I…I want you to let me help you."

"I don't want your help. I don't need anybody's help, okay?"

"Martin, please, just tell me how to help you." I was chocking back tears as I pleaded with him. I had suddenly realized that this man I was fighting with, who was yelling at me and pulling knives on people, was not the Martin that I knew.

An overwhelming sense of loss came over me during the ride back to the office. We had sat for a little over a half an hour talking about what to do. He filled me in on everything that had happened and suddenly so many things made more sense.

But now that I was out of his apartment and my mind had time to think things over, I realized what had happened.

I could handle losing him as a lover. Yes, sometimes it still sucked when I sat at home and watched the Knicks games alone, but I still had him at work and he was still a part of my life.

I had almost lost him after the ambush, and it had ripped me apart. But even if he had died (though I still hated thinking of that) it would have been in the line of duty. He loved his job and it was a risk you took being an FBI agent.

But to lose him as a friend was more than I could bear. He was one of the best people I knew. But I realized that all the things that I liked so much about him, his caring, his passion, his sense of humor…they had all been lost and to something that none of us had seen coming. Drugs. Martin was the last person on Earth that I would have expected to get addicted to pain killers. I couldn't lose him.

I wouldn't lose him.

A/N-  So, there you go. I know I'm a little rusty, but it's a start, eh. Um, let me tell you what's left for this episode. One from Sam's POV (I know, another one, but I loved her in this episode) about the convo with Danny, one from Danny's POV about the addiction thing, and then one from Martin's POV.

So make me a happy woman and leave me a review!