Back from a forever hiatus. Going to try to finally finish this.

…..

Roy blinked open his eyes. He was in bed with Amy. Was last night a dream? It sure felt like one. It seemed so hard to believe what had happened. Surely Hawkeye would've stopped him no matter what. He thought about the promise he made her. Dream or no dream, he did have to fix this. He had married to forget Hawkeye. He had married to remove her as a temptation and to try to be happy with someone who was kind of like her. In this, he had failed Amy. Amy was just a replacement for who truly had his heart. And what of his son? If he did the right thing and divorced Amy, would he ever see his son again? What have I done? Roy ran a hand over his face. He had to own up to this and fix things, but the hurt he would thus cause and the loss that may result in this… there would be no undoing of the damage he will cause to his family. With the realization that he could never be happy with Amy though, he knew he could not go on living a lie.

Roy looked over at his wife's sleeping form. She slept with her back to him. Gentle breaths in and out as she dozed. He felt ravaged with guilt. This poor woman. He had already caused her a lot of hurt. He had cheated on her. She didn't even know it yet. And here it was, Christmas Eve. How was he supposed to tell her? When? He didn't want to do it when Hawkeye was around. She didn't deserve to see the fallout. She would only blame herself, like she tried to do last night. She tried to stop him. He pressed onward. He didn't have enough self-control. Roy closed his eyes, making a decision then. He wouldn't tell Amy who it was. It would be bad enough that he had cheated.

…..

Riley smiled with delight as his father carried him downstairs. Roy's heart broke in his chest a little, wondering when he would be able to hold his son again. Riley loved being carried around by his father. He giggled happily when he saw the tree and Roy forced a smile as he approached Hawkeye, who was sitting quietly and demurely on the couch. She looked as if she felt unwelcome and Roy knew instantly that she regretted last night. He didn't blame her for that feeling, he even understood it. He just wished it hadn't happened like this. She was still in the robe, but she also had the blanket wrapped around herself tightly as if she could shield herself from his gaze. That too, broke his heart. Don't be like this, Riza.. He knew deep down what she wanted. She had admitted as much to him last night. He knew why she denied herself such joy, but he hated to see it so obviously.

"Look who is here to see you, Miss Hawkeye." Roy announced. Amy poked her head in from where she was making breakfast in the kitchen and walked over, smiling brightly. Roy's heart broke for her again all over. All the pain he has caused these two women…

Hawkeye looked up, her brown eyes shining. For a heartbeat, Roy thought she was crying, but then he saw the excitement in her face and his heart twisted in guilt again, remembering how she had mentioned having not seen his son once. Well, now was a good time to start fixing things.

Hawkeye stood up slowly and glanced at Amy hesitantly. She nodded. "Go ahead."

Roy handed Riley over to her and Hawkeye took him in her arms quite well.
"This is my son, Riley. Riley, this is Miss Hawkeye."

Riley looked at her imploringly, a finger in his mouth. After an intense gaze from his blue eyes, Riley quietly told her, "hi."

"Hello Riley. I'm glad to finally meet you. You don't know me, but I am a very good friend of your father's." Hawkeye caught on to his shyness and spoke to him softly. The gentle look in her eyes made Roy's heart twist. If only Riley had been her son… The moment was broken by Amy's squeal of delight. "Oh! You're so good with him! You ought to take a break from the office to have some kids of your own one day before it's too late." Hawkeye looked up and smiled kindly at Amy. "Thank you Mrs. Mustang, but someone needs to make sure the Colonel gets home to you two." She said. Roy took note that she wasn't just referencing paperwork there. She had promised to help keep him on track, but she was his bodyguard as well, because they didn't always work in an office. "Surely he can set the task to one of his other men." Amy suggested with a quick glance at Roy, not knowing at all the true depth of the relationship between the two. I was so wrong to think anyone could possibly know me better. Roy thought briefly, the guilt gnawing at him.

…

Roy watched miserably as Hawkeye played with Riley in front of the Christmas tree. They had just finished breakfast and he knew Hawkeye would leave soon. It wasn't like her to intrude for long. He enjoyed watching her with his son though. Amy walked into the room, carrying an armload of clothes. Roy recognized the military uniform. The time had come. "Miss Hawkeye, I got your uniform dry for you." Hawkeye excused herself from Riley's play and stood up to fetch the clothes. "Thank you, Mrs. Mustang." Roy felt himself clenching his fist, detecting the note of defeat in her voice as if she had chosen for herself that things would go back to how they were.

"Oh!" Amy waved a hand as Hawkeye took her clothes. "Like I said, please call me Amy!"

Hawkeye excused herself and went to the guest room to dress. Roy stood up as Amy went over to him. "She has been such a wonderful guest, Roy, you really should have her come over more often. Why, she gets along with Riley so well, I could have a break from him from time to time."

Roy resisted the urge to even picture such a nightmare. Constantly tortured by Hawkeye while trying to remain loyal to his wife. "We'll have to see. Hawkeye isn't one to get out much." He replied.
"Oh, the poor thing! You have to get your men to help her get out of that office. She really would make a great mother."

Don't remind me… Roy had the memory of her with Riley imprinted upon his brain, constantly playing in his head. Constantly telling him how his life could have gone had he done things right. He swallowed, his mouth dry. "Women in the military rarely become mothers. Hawkeye knew this when she chose her path." He found himself saying, sounding strangely professional with her almost. Like he was closing her off from being personal with him. He felt sick. Roy turned away from her abruptly, trying to compose himself. "Roy?" It took Amy awhile sometimes, but she could tell when something was blatantly off. Like now. "Is something the matter?" She asked.

"I will have to tell you later." He said almost inaudibly. Amy looked confused, not having the slightest idea what troubled him and seemed ready to persist in asking him. "Please, Amy." He said, sensing she was about to ask again. He felt her back down from her question and move away. So like Amy to leave me be… She said before she felt nervous around him when he was upset, not sure how to treat his war flashbacks, not sure how to treat him at all when he wasn't his cocky self really. He could almost imagine Hawkeye's soft touch, slowly taking him into her arms. No words spoken. They wouldn't have needed words. She understood him so well.

Roy turned back around as he heard Hawkeye approach. She had such a look of professionalism. Here, in his house. It hurt to see. It was as if she was miles away from him already, dressed in her uniform. "Lieutenant." Roy said as he approached her. Hawkeye glanced at him and turned to Amy. "Thank you both for your hospitality and it was a pleasure to meet Riley. I have to go now."

Roy inhaled slowly. He knew it. He watched wordlessly as Amy exchanged words with her, asking her to feel free to come by anytime as she led her to the door. Hawkeye barely looked at him the whole time. She had barely looked at him since last night. She was going to close herself off from him again. She was going back to keeping things professional between them. He went up to the door as she put her boots on and as she stood, Hawkeye moved her head in his direction without quite looking at him. She was turned away from Amy. He saw in her eyes a determined, yet infinitely sad look behind it. Forget me. She mouthed. He stopped, stunned. And then, before he knew it, before he could say goodbye, she had already went out the door and was gone.

Thoughts swirled in his head. He knew she didn't mean it. Guilt was eating at her like it was him and she was trying to make his choice for him. Trying to keep him on the path she believed was right. To her, it'd be far easier to keep hurting. Far better to not break up a family. But this family was already broken. He couldn't stay with Amy when he didn't love her and only admired her for the qualities she had that were reminiscent of Hawkeye.

"Roy? Roy? Will you tell me what's wrong?" Amy spoke. It was as if from far away. He pulled himself out of his thoughts, sighed, and sat down on the couch, his eyes on Riley. He watched his little son play for a moment. Amy came up and stood a little ways away. "It's my fault Hawkeye is where she is now." He told her at last. "I filled her head with these ideas.. And she blindly followed me." This would have to do. He would admit to cheating later. Hawkeye would not be involved.

….

More will follow this. Fear not. Its the Holiday season again after all. Time for Christmas stories!