Chapter 39: The Past

School classes took up most of my time so I was unable to get to Sirius or to Harry, it was very frustrating. Day by day I tried to get Harry alone, but things for the champions kept pulling him away and my students were struggling so I couldn't get away very much either. Finally it was the 22nd and I finished grading my final test for the day. I stretched and left my office, ready to collapse in my bed and sleep. It was almost 1 in the morning when I was making my way to my room. I heard quiet footsteps and looked, but didn't see anyone. I blinked, I was too tired to care right now, I just wanted to sleep.

I went to my room and saw Rain at the window, a note to her leg. I opened it and saw Sirius's writing.

"Phoebe, I'm sorry for the way I acted when we were last together. I am just so concerned with Harry's well-being I forgot about how you might be feeling or going through. You wanted to talk to me about something important and I brushed you off. I hope you can forgive me. I wait for your letter and hope you are able to understand my actions. I love you with all my heart. Sirius."

I sighed and placed the letter in my hiding spot and crawled into bed, not bothering to change, it was so tiring to do anything else right now. I wanted to sleep without dreams, but my memories betrayed me once more.

**Memory/Dream**

I woke with a start, feeling more tired than before, knowing I would be in for a very long day. I had told Sirius I didn't love him last night, I had left him in the room with the echo of my footsteps running from him. What would the idiot do? I washed my face and dressed, Lily was waiting for me at the door. "So there's something I need to tell you…I hope you don't get mad." I waited for her to speak again and she blurted it out. "I've agreed to be James's girlfriend. We have been talking about it for a while. Don't be upset." I blinked, it was confusing, but understandable.

I shrugged and gave her a hug. "That's awesome. He's a different person when you are around. You will be good for him." she smiled so brightly and rushed downstairs to tell James I was okay with it and I sighed, I better just get this over with. My eyes were still puffy and red a little, but I made my way down, braiding my hair as I walked. At the bottom of the stairs I saw all the boys and Lily talking. My eyes found Sirius as I tried to hide my excitement at seeing him. He was looking away, out the window with his hand propped up on the wall. He turned and looked at me the second my foot hit the floor.

Our eyes locked and I could see that his eyes were puffy and red as well, but I pushed the urge to run to him and walked passed the group and out the portrait. I was half way down the hall when I heard footsteps. I didn't turn around, but they caught up with me quickly. "Good morning Phoebe." I nearly tripped at his voice, it sounded so indifferent. "Morning Sirius." I replied and tried to sped up, but he kept up with ease. "Heading to breakfast?" I nodded and he opened the door for me, letting me go through. We walked in silence to the Great Hall and I thought he would leave me alone by then, but he sat across from me at the end of the table.

He filled his plate and I did the same, not bothering to speak. We both reached for the Jelly and our hands brushed one another. I couldn't stop myself from rubbing my finger across his for a moment longer than I should have, his eyes closed as he pulled his hand back and sighed. "Sorry." we both mumbled and ate in silence. I felt his leg brush mine as he adjusted in his feet and I felt my heart skip, I wanted to be with him so bad…but I couldn't let it get any further. His foot was traveling up my leg when I pulled back and crossed my legs to keep them out of his reach.

"Hey! You left without us!" we turned and saw the rest of the group coming over to us, Remus and Peter joining beside Sirius and Lily and James sitting beside me. "Is everything alright with you two?" James asked and I shrugged, "Just still mad at how immature Sirius is, even though he's almost an adult. Guess people never change." I smirked, trying to hide the smile that I wanted to give him. He narrowed his eyes and knocked over a cup of orange juice, spilling it all down my shirt and skirt. "Opps" I got up, shocked, his stupid laugh ringing in my red ears. I couldn't stop myself from grabbing the bowl of grits and slamming it into his face and hair.

He growled and tossed the bowl of eggs at me, covering me with them, to which I took the pitcher of milk and poured it into his lap. "Phoebe!" "Sirius!" our friends called out to us, making me realize what I was doing. I met Sirius's eyes and tears filled mine as I turned and stormed out of the hall. I walked down to the black lake and sat at the edge, scooping the water out and cleaning my face somewhat. "Geez, could you be anymore obvious Phoebe?" I scolded myself, staring into the water. I didn't let the tears fall, I pushed them down as gave up on cleaning up, I would need a bath to get all this off of me.

"Phoebe?" I jumped and turned to see Sirius standing there with Remus right beside him. "Sirius wanted to apologize for his actions at breakfast. Don't you?" he gave Sirius a gentle push and then waved to me as he walked off. "Uh…yeah. Sorry. I shouldn't have thrown the eggs at you…and the juice spill." "Sorry for the grits and milk." I said, he sat beside me and tried to use the water like me to clean up, but it wasn't helping. I smiled and sighed, telling him to sit still. "What?" I wet my hands and began to run my fingers through his hair, combing out the grits out. We sat for a while, I continued to clear his head of the grits and he leaned back into me, closing his eyes.

I realized that we were getting to close again and I shoved him off, not seeing how close we were to the edge and Sirius tumbled into the lake. He stood up and faced me, his face showing so many emotions. I went to speak, but he splashed me before I could speak. I narrowed my eyes and kicked the water, sending it into his face. We proceeded to fight using the water until we were both soaking wet and laughing as we climbed out of the lake. He ruffled his shaggy hair and reached over to me, brushing a piece of kelp from my shoulder. "Phoebe…" he leaned over and I jumped up, I couldn't let this happen. "Sirius, I'm going inside. You should go back to the others. See you."

Before letting him finish, I rushed up to the common room and grabbed my bathroom stuff before heading the bath. I should have known that Sirius would be waiting but I was still surprised. I tried to go in, but he blocked the door. He brushed his finger along my chin and over my lips as his other hand reached up and undid my braid, running through my hair. I was frozen as I knew if I moved I would give in again, as I always did. "Sirius…stop…" I breathed out as he tilted my face up as he leaned down and hovered above my lips. "You don't mean anything that you said…do you?" his eyes were staring into mine as he whispered to me.

I couldn't do anything except shake my head and lean into his kiss. His arms wrapped around me and I grabbed his shoulders as we stumbled into the bathroom and locked the door. My stuff was forgotten at the door as we kissed each other, our passions over-riding our words. The bath was filled with bubbly warm water and we undressed each other before sliding into the water together. I pressed him against the side of the oversized tub and wrapped my legs around him. I would regret this later, but for now, all I wanted was to be with him. After we were finished, Sirius helped me wash my hair, making sure I had no more eggs in it.

We were relaxing and lying against each other, enjoying the still warm water and bubbles that smelled of lavender. I was beginning to doze when Sirius spoke, "Are you going to break my heart again?" his voice was low and unsteady and I looked up at him, his eyes looking teary and worried. "Sirius, I mean…we…I'm not sure." I couldn't figure out what was best. I mean James and Lily, our best friends, were together now. Surely they would be happy for us…but then again look at how we treat each other when people are around…would they believe that we suddenly like each other.

And if they don't then we need to tell them the truth that we have been lying to them since we first kissed. They wouldn't trust us anymore, knowing that they two close friends have been hiding a relationship for years…we couldn't do that to them. I debated with myself as Sirius hummed to himself, letting me take as much time as I needed. "I didn't mean to break your heart." I blurted out, sitting up and facing him. "What? Then why did you say all that stuff?" he was serious now, sitting up as well. "Look, we care about each other, but it's just been a secret for all these years, I feel like our friends will feel betrayed and hurt if we tell them. That's why I still think we need to stop this, break it now before it goes any further."

He moved away from me and looked me dead in the eyes, saying, "Further than this? What's further than this? I mean, we love each other. We have given ourselves to each other. There is no further. Phoebe, I love you, but I can't do this, I won't hide my feelings anymore. I can't be around you without wanting to be with you. It takes all my willpower to not hold your hand and hug you when I see you. We deserve happiness, they will get over it. Please Phoebe, just be with me." I felt my heart breaking again, knowing I would have to be the brave one, I would have to end this…even if it meant we wouldn't be able to be around each other anymore.

I climbed out of the tub and changed into a fresh outfit before going to the door. "Sirius, I can't betray Lily, and you can't betray James. We aren't going to end up together, this is just high school love. It fades. If you can't control yourself around me…then I won't be around any more. I don't want to cause you more hurt. I love you, and I'm sorry." I turned and left him standing in the tub as I retreated to my room and slept the day away. Lily woke me up at dinner time and handed me all my homework that I missed from my classes. "What happened to you? I've never seen you so mad at Sirius, you threw a bowl at him. Then stormed out and Remus took Sirius not long after."

I rolled out of the bed, groaning. "Yeah, they came to let him apologize and he did…so did I. Then I came and took a long relaxing bath. I must have fallen asleep when I came up here. Sorry. I didn't mean to act like a child." she smiled and patted my knee, "It's alright, winter break starts tomorrow so there's not much work. Are you going home for the holidays?" I shook my head, there was only my mother, who was always listening and hoping for a clue about my father, so no, I would stay here. "No, my mother won't be home, she travels so much that she's rarely home. Are you going home?"

"Not sure yet, my sister doesn't want me to come home, but my parents are excited to see me. I'm Muggleborn." I knew this already, but some reason she always mentioned it. Like she was a less witch because of that, which is so untrue, she was so bright and quick to learn spells. "Lily, you are an amazing witch, no need to feel like being muggleborn makes you lower than purebloods. I am pureblood and so is Sirius and James. We think no less of you because that doesn't matter at all, only the fact that you are better than all of us at magic." she brightened up and said she was going to see about going home after all.