Chapter 40: Mistakes…

**Still Memory/Dream**

Lily left me alone and I quickly did my homework, not wanting to bother with it later. Once I was finished, it was already late and I went down to the common room, not feeling tired at all. I watched the embers in the fire as I tried to tell myself that I did the right thing by breaking it off with Sirius, I couldn't be around them anymore. I wasn't able to be around him without doing something stupid. I curled up on the couch and stared at the ceiling, feeling more tired even though I slept almost all day. I told Lily the following day that I didn't want to be around Sirius no more and she offered to stay with me, but I refused, telling her to be with James.

It was different not sitting with them, we had been hanging together for years, but I sat alone now, eating quickly and then retreating to the library as soon as I could. I sat away from them in class, unsure of if they were going to understand. It was nearly a month later when I ran into Sirius in the hallway. He didn't speak, but gave me a wave as he moved passed me. I turned and went to speak, but stopped, knowing it was good this way. I watched until he went around the corner and I was alone again. I sighed and went to walk along to my class when a gurgle in my stomach warned me to find a trash bin now.

I emptied my belly in the can and leaned against a pillar, feeling sick as hell. I turned and walked straight to the nurse, telling her about my sickness. "Have you eaten anything new? Do you think someone may be playing a prank?" I shook my head, answering all her questions. After a while she came back and asked me for some more personal information. "Phoebe…is it possible that you may be…" she trailed off, her eyes glancing down to my stomach. I realized what she was asking and shook my head furiously. "No way, it's not possible. I haven't ever." I lied, but my mind was already reeling with the questions.

She let it go and brought me some juice and crackers, "It may just be a bug, the cold weather is rough this year. Try to get some rest, Phoebe, I will check back on you tomorrow and see if you are feeling better." I nodded and tucked the items into my robes before heading straight for the owl tower. I entered and thankfully there was no one else there. I wrote a note on the paper and stuck it to a fast flying owl. "Please take this to Hogsmead and return with the order ASAP. Thank you." I begged and it took off, flying off to the town. I sat down on a bench and thought about if it was possible.

I waited and waited, hoping it would be back soon. I watched as people came and went and the sun was beginning to set when the owl finally returned. I fed it a treat and took the small package from it's leg. I ran from the tower and waited in the common room until dinner was over and everyone was heading up to bed. James and the others came in laughing and they paused when they saw me. Sirius huffed and went upstairs without saying a thing and I felt a pain in my chest. If it was possible, how was I going to tell him…what was I going to do?

"Phoebe are you alright?" Lily asked and I nodded, giving a fake smile and telling them I needed some air. I nearly ran from the room and up to the second floor girls bathroom, knowing no one would be in there. I sat and read the instructions, doing it as it said and sat there, waiting for the result. After what seemed to be hours, I looked at the stick and froze as the pink plus stared back at me. I felt my breathing change, this couldn't be possible…

I held the test tight in my hand as I left the bathroom, running down the halls, tears falling down my face. I wasn't even watching where I was going and was shocked when I ran into someone. We both fell down and I saw it was Remus. "Phoebe? What's wrong?" he asked and I realized the test was gone, fallen from my fingers. I looked and saw it lying right beside Remus's leg. "I'm fine, just go." I rushed out reaching for it, but he looked down and shock filled his face. I grabbed it and tucked it into my robe, standing up. "Phoebe…is that…" I couldn't take it anymore, I broke down and began to sob.

Remus pulled me into a hug and I twisted my fingers into his robes, feeling uncontrollable and needing to let it all out. He didn't say anything, just held me tight and let me cry it out. Finally I pulled back and saw he was looking down at me, his face showing his worry all over. "Sorry…I'm alright." I tried to pull away but he stopped me. "Do you want to talk about it? Or just go for a walk? If not, I can take you to your room, maybe Lily is still up." I shook my head, "No one can know…Remus please. No one." he nodded and took my shoulders, leading me to a bench in an empty courtyard. "I don't want you to be alone right now, I mean I wouldn't want to be."

I sobbed again, knowing he was right, I didn't want to be alone and he was the only one that knew… "Phoebe, talk to me. Are you alright?" I shook my head, but said, "I'll never be alright. This isn't suppose to happen. This can't be happening." "Who is the father?" his question sent me into a rush, how the fuck was I supposed to tell Sirius. This is going to ruin both of our lives. And we wouldn't be able to hide our feelings anymore. This is something you can't hide. "Oh…uh…no one you know. Just some jerk. I didn't mean for it to happen, Remus. It was a stupid mistake…one I can't fix."

"Phoebe, listen to me. I'm here for you." he paused and took my hand in his. "I know this will be our secret, but eventually it's going to be unhide able. When that time comes…I will still be here for you. If you need a…you know…" I blinked, he was offering to say he was the father…to help me. "Remus, thanks…I couldn't do that to you. I mean this isn't your problem." "Phoebe, you are one of the few people that know what I really am. You help me every full moon, you keep my secret so I can feel normal. The least I could do is this for you. Whatever story you want to make up, just tell me and I'll stick to it." I gave his hand a squeeze.

"Okay…thank you Remus." I felt a little better, at least I had something of a plan…maybe. We sat for a while and when I finally felt better, I turned and face Remus. "Would you mind walking me back to the common room?" he smiled and stuck out his arm for me to take, causing me to smile. We walked quietly, not speaking and it felt normal. He said the password and we went inside and saw it was empty as well, everyone must be sleeping by now. I paused at the staircase and smiled at Remus, who returned it. "Thanks for being there tonight. I'm not sure what I would've done." I reached up and gave him a kiss on the cheek before bidding him good night.

The next morning I woke up with a headache and my stomach feeling worse than yesterday. I dressed and went down to the common room, to which I saw the group sitting by the fire place. Sirius was talking to James and I saw Remus reading a book. He closed it and stood up, walking over to me. "Good morning Phoebe. How are you feeling?" he smiled at me and I glanced over, seeing Sirius and the others watching us closely. "I'm good. Just hungry." he took my hand without another word and walked right passed everyone and out into the hallway.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he led me down the stairs and toward the great hall. "You're hungry, so I'm taking you to get some food. Is there something wrong?" I shook my head, "No, but they will think something is going on between us if you keep acting like this." "But isn't there? I mean, after last night I just assumed this was for the best. Forgive me if I'm wrong." he dropped my hand, but continued to herd me toward the food. I sighed, he was way too nice of a person. I slid my hand into his and leaned my head on his shoulder. "I guess it is better this way."

He sat me down and watched me until I had a decent meal on the plate before fixing his own. We ate in silence, but it wasn't awkward, it was nice. When I finished I nudged his shoulder with my own, "Want to take a walk with me? It's winter break, so no classes." he grinned and agreed, pulling me up with him and walking me out. We were leaving the grand hall doors when Sirius and the others appeared. I tightened my grip on Remus and he gave me a look before smiling and leading me away from them. I knew they saw us and I could feel Sirius's eyes on me, but Remus just walks us along the path until we were out of their view.

"Phoebe, what is our plan for…you know. What's the story?" I blinked, I haven't given it much thought. What were we going to do or say? I was fairly small to begin with, it wouldn't be long before I would show. We needed to have our story straight before that happens. "Have you told anyone? Professors? Your parents?" I shook my head, feeling overwhelmed as more thoughts came to my head. "Hey hey, calm down. Breathe." he squared me to face him and made me look at him. "It's going to be alright. Keep it simple. We will tell the professors when the time comes. Here."

He motioned for me to sit on a log and joined me, placing his hand on my knee. "Okay, so it happened about when?" "A month…" I admitted, remembering when Sirius and I were together. "So we will just say that it was in town, a visit to Hogsmead, about a month ago. We didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. Sound alright?" I nodded, he was so helpful. "Just a one time thing, but when you found out…we decided to be together for…the…uh…" "Baby." I finished, saying the word out loud made it real. "Yes, so when you can't hide it anymore, we will tell the teachers. They will help us figure out what to do then. So for now….we are just a normal couple." I sighed and leaned against him, trying to borrow some of his strength.

After a while, he spoke, "Phoebe, are you sure about this? I mean, I know I'm not anyone's first choice when it comes to stuff like this." I laughed and gave him a pat on the leg. "You are such a wonderful guy. No matter what you are, that's all that matters. Don't think that when you became what you are that you're happiness disappeared. Trust me on that." I meant it, I mean I was the daughter of the Dark Lord and I found love… he walked me to the doors and said he needed to go do something real quick and that he would come find me later. He kissed my cheek softly and waved as he left, I turned and walked inside, only to come face to face with Sirius. "You're dating Lupin now? For real?"

**End Memory**

I woke with a start, remembering something I wish I had forgotten. I took a shower and dressed, not thinking about anything except my dream/memory. There was a note on my door as I left, explaining that I had missed classes and slept an entire day. I sighed, if I kept this up, I was going to be fired from teaching. I was awful. I went back inside, not feeling like doing anything. I sank onto the couch and groaned, why couldn't I do anything right in my life. What was I going to do to tell Sirius about my past and help Harry survive?