Chapter 41: Secrets

Instead of doing anything I was supposed to do, I stayed in my room and remembered what had happened back when Remus and I started dating and started keeping our deepest secret together.

**Memory**

"You're dating Lupin now? For real?" I was surprised by his questions, by the lack of interest in his tone. "Sirius…" I breathed out, wanting to confess everything. To tell him the truth. But I held back and put on a smile. "Remus is a good guy. He's smart, nice, funny and is there for me when I need him." I explained, not really saying yes to his question and I walked passed him. "I'll see you around Sirius." I said and it wasn't a moment when I walked by him that he turned and began to follow.

"Come on Phoebe, you aren't serious are you? I mean, it's Lupin! You know what he is." I stopped and faced him. "Yes, I do. And I don't judge by that alone. I know that he is a great guy, a good friend, an amazing student, an awesome wizard. He's so worried about what people think about him that he always puts himself down. I will be there to lift him up instead. Not that it's none of your business who I date. You're his friend, you should be happy for him. Bye!" I said and stormed off, feeling such a surge of emotions that I couldn't stop from bubbling up.

Over the next month Remus and I continued our relationship, the others seemed confused, but happy. Only Sirius refused to speak to either of us and avoiding being around me. Remus was walking me to class when he stopped me and gave me a smile, "So I heard that you got into with Sirius when he asked about us…a while ago." "Yes, I told him it wasn't his business. I guess he thinks I'm trying to break you apart. First James…now you." he shook his head and kissed my hands. "Phoebe, I heard what you said about me. Sirius told me what you said. I couldn't believe that you would say such nice things about me."

I rolled my eyes, he was too nice of a guy. "Remus, I meant them…it's really not-" he cut me off, his lips pressing to mine in a gentle kiss. When he pulled back, I was still stunned but someone speaking caught our attention. "Oh yeah, just making out right in front of the classroom. That's smart. That's what a good guy and girl does. Soon it'll turn into more." I stared at Sirius, who was smirking at us, but I could tell his teeth were clenched. Remus cleared his throat and went inside without another word and I followed, sitting beside him. That was the first kiss between Remus and I…and I felt nothing. No sparks, no heart skip. But the second I heard Sirius's voice, it sent a thrill through me.

When classes were over for the day, Remus and I went for a walk before heading to the common room to do our homework together. I found James and Lily whispering together when we entered and they both stopped and gave us awkward fake smiles when they saw us. "Oh hey guys, what's going on?" James asked and Lily jumped in, "How are you two doing? Need any help with anything?" I blinked for a moment and shook my head. "No, I'm just going to grab something from my room, Remus, I'll be right back." I went to my room and sat on the bed, sighing deeply as I moved my shirt out of the way and revealed my growing belly.

I had went up in shirt size to make sure no one noticed anything different about me and I felt tired and sick for a lot of the days, but Remus was there for me almost every time. Making excuses for me and taking extra notes for me when I was missing class. I chewed my lip, it was time to tell the teachers, they were probably catching on anyways. I decided that Remus and I needed to tell Dumbledore now. I covered my belly and made sure it was hidden and when downstairs to where Remus was waiting for me. "Hey, I need to go do something real quick, I need you to come with me."

He nodded without asking anything and we told Lily and James bye before leaving the room. "Is everything alright Phoebe?" he asked and his hand went to go to my stomach before I stopped him. "It's fine, I just think it's time to tell the professors, my shirts are getting tight again." he mumbled an okay and we walked in silence after that. We were almost at the entry wall for his office when I gasped and grabbed my stomach. "Phoebe?!" Remus asked and got ahold on me just as my legs gave out. He picked me up and I groaned and held my stomach as an intense pain shot through me.

He rushed me to the hospital wing and it was empty thankfully. "What's wrong?" the nurse asked and Remus looked around before whispering to her, "Please, it's a very private matter. No one can know about this. Please." she went to object, but I cried out in pain and a few blood drops fell onto the floor. "Alright, bring her over here." she said and put us in a room before closing the door and casting some spells. He placed me on the bed and stepped back, revealing that he had more blood on his shirt. "Phoebe, I asked you this same question months ago, why did you lie?"

"Please, just help her. She can explain it later." the Nurse pushed Remus to the side and told him to sit and be quiet. She examined me and I was so nervous and I grabbed Remus's hand. "I'm scared…" I whispered, looking into his eyes, which were also filled with fear. "Phoebe, calm down. It will be over soon. Here, take this." she handed me a cup with a liquid in it and I took it without questions. After a minute I felt lighter, sleepier. "Remus…I'm sorry I dragged…you into this…" I breathed out, feeling sleep about to take me. "Don't be Phoebe, it's alright, just rest."

I woke up, my hand going straight to my stomach, but I felt nothing. No movements, no difference…it was gone. I sat up and moaned at the pain, but it was bearable. "Phoebe?" I blinked and turned to see Remus still there, waiting for me to wake up. "It's gone…" I breathed out, feeling the tears filling my eyes, so I buried my face into my knees. Remus put his arms around me and let me cry out my sorrows. The nurse came in and checked on me every so often, but there wasn't anything to do, my baby was gone…forever. Remus left only to go to class and to change his clothes, he told me he made up a story about me getting the flu and I was taking it pretty hard. Saying that the nurse had me away from everyone else and no visitors.

It seemed to work and after a few days, the nurse said I could go back to classes and my room. "It's good news isn't it?" Remus asked as he helped me get up. "Yeah…good…sure…" I wasn't really thinking, it was as if I was numb… "I mean, the nurse said she wouldn't tell anyone, you are safe from everyone finding out. Aren't you happy?" I didn't reply and pulled my robes on. "Phoebe? Are you sure you will be alright? I mean, what do you want to do?" I shrugged and let him lead me out of the Hospital wing. He kept his arm around my waist and we didn't run into anyone until the common room.

Lily and James were the first to greet us, asking how I was feeling. "Phoebe?" Remus gave me a nudge and I blinked, realizing that they were all staring at me. "Oh? I'm fine…I want to go to sleep." I said and moved out of Remus's arms and up the stairs slowly. "Lily, please keep an eye on her." I heard Remus say before I was in the room and I fell onto the bed. I cried more and more until I swore there was no more tears in me, that's when I felt someone's hand on my back. "Phoebe? Do you need to go back to the nurse?" I shook my head, pushing Lily's hand off of me.

"I'm fine. Just leave me alone." she sat for a moment before leaving and I sighed, I just wanted to die right now. This pain would never go away….never. I lost a piece of me…and Sirius…our baby was gone. My heart was breaking over and over as I thought more about it. I never even told him, he never even knew he was going to be a father. I kept this all to myself and now, here I was, alone to deal with the end of it. I blew off classes for the next week, only getting out of bed to bathe and eat the food that the nurse had sent for me. She was being true to her word and keeping my secret and told me that it would take time to heal from the emotions of it.