Chapter 42: Confessions…Almost

**Still Memory**

I could only hide in my room for so long before Dumbledore sent McGonagall to fetch me to see him. It was after bedtime so there were no students in the common room or halls. She left me at the stairs and I went up in silence, not feeling anything but numb. When I entered, he was sitting at his desk, it was covered with all types of fruit and sandwiches and drinks. "Ahh, Phoebe, join me please." I slid into the chair and waited for him to speak, but he just plucked a strawberry from a bowl and smiled at me. "Phoebe, Madam Pompfrey has told me some interesting things about you lately."

I sighed, I knew it was a matter of time before she told him, I just didn't want to deal with it. He walked over and gave me a tight hug, before putting the fruit into my hand. "Eat, Phoebe. The only reason she told me is because she was concerned that you were not eating meals and staying in bed." "Is there a time-limit on my loss and grieving? I do my school work. I eat when I'm hungry. Please tell me when I'm supposed to stop hurting and feel something again!?" I raised my voice, throwing the fruit across the room. He just smiled and motioned for me to sit down and I did. "Forgive me Headmaster…I lost my temper." he waved my apology away and spoke in a low tone, "No one can tell you when you are going to be ready to feel again. No one is able to explain how you are supposed to feel. I can't even fathom what you are feeling, nor will I try."

He paused and pushed a glass at me. "It is filled with vitamins and nutrients. Please drink it at least. It tastes like chocolate ice cream." I sighed, he wasn't going to give up and I gulped it down in 4 drinks, pushing the glass away from me. "Can I go now?" he waved for me to follow him over the window, opening and letting the cool breeze brush over my skin. "Phoebe, I just want to check in with you. Lily Potter has also been worried about you. She has told me that you barely leave your bed. If you would like, I can send for your mother to visit you." "God, no. I don't want to see her at all." "Then what would make things easier for you right now? I want you to take as much time as you need because no one can tell you when it's time to get over this. It is all up to you."

I began to cry, feeling like the world was crashing in on my again. "I don't know what to do…I feel nothing anymore. Like it was never even there." "But it was. You know that." he took my hands and gave them a squeeze. "It's a very upsetting thing that happened. I just want to help you, Phoebe. But I need you to tell me how. What is it that you need?" I leaned against the railing and shrugged. "Honestly…I have no idea. I just feel blank. I feel so empty. I just want to die. It's my fault that this happened." I continued to ramble for a while and he listened quietly. When I finally finished, I had cried all the tears I had at the time and was curled into my knees staring out into the night.

"My dear, I want you to go get some rest tonight. Tomorrow if you still need to speak, come to me anytime. I will inform the teachers that you are excused from classes until you tell me otherwise. As long as you still do some homework that Lily brings and practice your spells. And eat at least 2 meals a day and a snack or two. That's all I can ask of you." I nodded and headed back to my room slowly, loving the empty halls and having not a single person that I had to fake smile at and speak like nothing was wrong. I entered the common room and sat on the couch, not bothering to light any candles or start a fire. I laid my head on the arm rest and closed my eyes, trying not to dream of what might have been if I hadn't lost the baby.

I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until someone was shaking me awake. I blinked and groaned, rolling over and looking at who's bothering me. "Phoebe? What are you doing down here?" I rolled back over and mumbled, "Go away Remus. Leave me be." instead of leaving me alone, he lifted my legs and sat beside me, beginning to rub my feet. "You can talk to me you know." I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him, but his fingers were working my feet so nicely that I began to relax. "Are you going to be alright?" his voice was low and his hands were now rubbing on my calf.

"I don't know." I breathed out, feeling like I could just go to sleep for a few more days. "Okay…well I'm here, as always." I nodded and stretched out more, letting him massage my other calf now. It felt nice having someone other than the adults know about what happened to me, having Remus is so sweet and I wish I could feel something for him…but it's never going to happen. He will always be nothing more than a friend, no matter what. "Remus, go to bed. I'm fine." no matter what I thought about wanting to talk to him about…it was not him I wanted to talk to.

**End Memory**

I realized it was nighttime again and I had missed yet another day of teaching, surely I would hear it from everyone else. Yet the following day when I joined the teacher's table for breakfast, the only thing anyone was talking about was the first task of the tournament today. I couldn't get a moment for Harry as Dumbledore asked me to come with him as soon as breakfast was over. I followed, unsure of how much trouble I was in for missing so many classes. "Phoebe, are you feeling well?" I nodded and he conjured a table and chairs for us to sit on.

"I'm alright. Just been stressed and not getting a lot of sleep. I'm sorry for neglecting my students and classes." "It's understandable with everything going on with the Tri-Wizard. However, I have noticed a familiar look in your eyes today…one I saw many years ago in my office when you were a girl. Wounds my heal, but the scars…whether physical or mental…will always remain. I worry about your well being. It has been a very long time since I saw that look on your face." I nodded, it was difficult remembering and dreaming of the past and what happened to me. "Yes, I am fine. Just dreams and memories when I can't sleep. It's always going to hurt, but I can't do anything about it now, nor could I then. Do not worry for me, I am alright…just can't get it out of my mind."

We spoke for a little longer before he had to excuse himself to go get everything prepared for the first task. I worried I hadn't told Sirius about Harry or what the first task might be or how I could help and I felt terrible. I was failing in my promise to James and Lily. I decided I would go see Sirius and see what he was up to and make a plan for Harry. When I got to Hogsmead, it was filled with everyone visiting to see the tournament and it was difficult to head toward the cave without anyone's eyes on me, but I somehow made it. I walked inside and saw where Sirius had stolen papers and scribbled notes on what might be the task and how to handle them.

I lifted a paper and saw Dragons, First task! And some notes below on what they could make the champions do with the dragons. How did Sirius know for sure that it was dragons though? I sat and began to look through all his work, trying to see what was going through his head when I heard the growling. I turned and saw Sirius's dog form walking toward me. "Hi…I had to see you." I breathed out and after a moment, the growling stopped and he turned back, tugging only his pants on for the moment. I was thankful that he came to stay with me, the sun was good for him.

"What are you doing here? Why didn't you just send an owl?" I shrugged, "Didn't think truly. Why do you think the first task is dragons?" he blinked, "Harry told me. Did he not ask you about it? Did Dumbledore not tell the professors?" I sighed, he probably has, but as I was in my own suffering past, I wasn't there to hear about it. And I wasn't there for Harry either. Sirius didn't say anything but shuffled some papers from my hands and sat on a rock. "Phoebe, you haven't spoken to me in a while. Harry hasn't spoke about you in a while either. It was as if you just disappeared and I was truly worried that you had." I sat at his legs and placed my head in his lap. "Sirius, forgive me. I was thinking so much about the past that I was basically holed up in my room for the last few days."

He ran his fingers through my hair and whispered, "Nothing to forgive. I often think of our past. A lot happened back then." I scoffed, if only he knew the massiveness of what really happened. I knew I should tell him, but he was already looking at another paper and mumbling to himself. "Do you think you could figure out what the dragons are for Phoebe?" I sat up and nodded, it was time to help Harry and stop reliving old memories. Sirius and I spoke for a while about the tasks and how to help Harry without getting caught and about how we had both been neglecting each other. I was getting dressed from our sex when he spoke again.

"I've always wondered something, but never knew if I really wanted to know." I turned and glanced at him, curious. "Why did you date Remus right after breaking my heart? I mean, it was completely random and you two didn't seem interested in each other for real. But you stayed with him for a while. And then he visited you this summer and you two were very close and everything, it got me thinking about back then. Why? Do you still have feelings for him?" I shook my head, this was my chance to tell him. "No, everything I feel for Remus is friendship and nothing more. He was there for me when I was going through a hard time…"

I trailed off, chickening out of being honest. "Hard time? I remember you holed up in your room a lot around that time. You never were the same after that. I just assumed it was because we ended things. Was it something else?" he was sitting up now, his eyes filled with worry. Now, Phoebe, it's perfect. Just tell him everything! I screamed at my mind, trying to just do it. He may hate me, he may not. No way to know without telling him. "Okay, listen. This is going to be so difficult to say and even more difficult to hear. I want you to just remember how much I love you." he got up and took my hands. "There's nothing you can say that will change the way I feel about you, Phoebe." I let out a shaky breath and nodded, "Sirius, the reason I felt so close to Remus and started dated him back then was-" I was cut off by a huge roar of a dragon and my mind went blank.