Chapter 52: Explain It
Sirius made me look from the destroyed room to his face. "No one is dying. Not me and not you. So stop talking like that. Why are you down here? What is this place?" I looked around, seeing that I had almost destroyed the whole room this time. My temper and fears pushing me to nearly ruin my training room. "It's been my life for the last 12 years. It used to be my mother's meeting room when she was in league with my father…before she was pregnant. I turned it into my training room, I wanted to be prepared for anything after she killed herself. Knowing the truth, I couldn't let this become a meeting place again. I studied everything I possibly could, muggle fighting arts and wizard spells and tactics. This has been what I have been doing since I recovered from the death's of Lily and James. And the betrayal I thought you did." I looked at him, seeing his eyes scanning the room.
"This has been what you have been doing for all these years? Turning yourself into a weapon to destroy your father? Even though he was gone?" I nodded, flexing my fingers to shoot pain through me, making me know it wasn't a dream. "Part of me knew that a wizard like my father would find some way to return…he was just like that. I knew I would need to be prepared for anything when that happened. I would take him down then. I had nothing in this world that would stop me or hold me back…until now." I finished and looked at his face, it was filled with worry and confusion.
"Sirius, learning you didn't betray us, feeling everything rush back from our past, everything we have been through together…You make me question where I should go after him. Before it didn't matter, if I died, I didn't care as long as I killed him too. You are my weakness, if he finds out he will use you against me. But now, I don't think I can survive losing you again. It broke me before. I've just put myself together again." I admitted and his eyes softened as his finger ran across my cheek, careful of the cut on it.
I pressed my face closer to him, at least he came back and even went searching for me. Maybe he could forgive me for lying about my father all these years. He sighed and moved away, dropping his hands and mine. "Are you angry with me?" he nodded and looked at me, "Phoebe, I never knew about this. You never once felt like you could trust me with this. You never told any of us. If you had, maybe we could've banded together and taken him down before Lily and James's were killed." I looked away, this is the main reason when I tell someone. I could have prevented so many deaths had I not been afraid. "Sirius, can't you understand that this tore me apart, knowing that he was causing harm but fearful that if you all knew the truth that he might go after you all just for knowing?"
"He already was after us. We were fighting him, all of us, together! If you had told us, maybe there was something you knew that could've helped!" "I knew nothing! I never even seen or spoke to him. All I knew was a letter telling me to join him or speak nothing of our connection or he would murder them all! I feared for your lives!" "What lives? Lily and James are gone. Peter betrayed us! Remus is cursed and will never be welcome! I was in prison for 12 years!" he was up now, tossing his hands in the air as I felt my own anger bubbling. "I get that now you asshole! Yes, it may have changed things. But it might have also meant you all died! I had no idea that I may have saved them, I did what I thought was best!" "You were wrong!" he faced me, his face filled with sadness and betrayal.
"Fuck you!" I screamed and sent a blast of air at him, slamming him into the wall and he sank with a groan. I was huffing as I turned and walked off, feeling so tired of everyone thinking just knowing where I came from would have helped murder him. I knew nothing of my father or his followers, I was his daughter, but never even seen or met him. How would that have helped? I stormed up the stairs and found Livy and Remus looking for me, but I passed them went outside, already hearing thundering footsteps on the stairs. I continued until I was knee deep into the ocean, feeling the water begin to seep into my skin, trying to sooth my emotions.
I didn't want to be soothed, I didn't want to be calm, I wanted to just let it all out, I needed it let it all out. I screamed as I released my control, letting my magic flow around and through me, making the water swirl and rise as it met the air I was blowing around. It created a spout of water and air, tornado whipping around me. I felt the emotions running across my skin, the fears I had, the anger I held, the frustration of people not understanding, everything. My scream died away in the wind, my body weakening as the power waned and began to fade. My vision blurred as I felt myself falling backward, but I don't remember anything else.
When I opened my eyes, I was in my bed, but the room was empty. I groaned as I shifted and realized how much pain I was in. "You held in a lot of power there Phoebe, it's going to take a while before you can move without pain." I turned my head and saw Remus walking in with a tray of food and water. He placed it on the table and sat at the foot of the bed, shaking his head at me. "Holding all that in was too much, you let it all out and nearly killed yourself. I had never seen anything like that, but I once read about uncontrollable magic like that." I shook my head, looking around the room, but he answered my question. "He isn't here, he's in the living room. Resting." I blinked, why was he resting? "He went after you, he caught you as you collapsed. The magic hit him before disappearing and he barely got you inside before he fell out as well."
I tried to move, but winced and fell back. "Phoebe, please don't move. He is in better shape then you are. Just calm down and rest. You two can hash it all out later. I can't believe he was so unforgiving about it though. Very unlike him." "Because of me hiding this, he thinks I just murdered his best friend myself. Everyone always does. I honestly never knew anything of my father except what the order told us while we were fighting. But no one ever believes that. I have spent my whole life trying to get strong enough to take him out before anyone else gets hurt, yet all they ever see or hear is that I'm his child and must be just like him. People don't understand why I would hide it, because I don't want to be seen as his family, his blood. I am my own person, I am not my father."
"I can understand that because of what I am, I also hide it from everyone who doesn't know already. Some people will never understand, but Phoebe, I do. I am here for you if you want to talk about anything. I think Sirius will come around, just give him time." I sat up, fighting the pain and replied, "We have no time. He's back and already building his army, he's coming for us all and I can't sit here and do nothing. If Sirius can't get past this, then I want nothing to do with him anymore. I can't waste time on people who will only see my father when they look at me."
"I don't see that." I jumped and we looked to see Sirius leaning against the wall, his breath coming in pants. Remus helped him over to the bed and he sighed deeply as he got off his feet. "I'll return later…." Remus mumbled and left us alone. I stared at Sirius, who looked like he aged 10 years. "I don't see that when I look at you. I see the woman I would give my life for. I see the woman that infuriates me and makes me want to be better myself. I see the woman I love. I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I just wish that you trusted me enough to tell me sooner."
I reached and took his hand, he flinched and gripped it tight. "Sirius, after learning you weren't the one who betrayed us, how would you had felt if you knew that I was his daughter, the one who turned our friend against us and framed you, forcing you to go to prison and suffer for 12 years. Had I told you then, or even before, had it changed nothing and you sat in that place for 12 years, knowing I was out and free being his blood. I had to tell myself you were guilty, you were the reason they were dead, you betrayed us….otherwise I would've blamed myself and turned my rage and hatred inward. You saved me even then, I could put the blame on you, it broke my heart, but it saved my mind. I could see the reason and go forward. If I knew you were innocent and they were still dead, I would have never forgiven myself for allowing you to stay there, I would have outted myself as his daughter and would have been locked away or killed. Sirius, I am sorry I did it, but it was what needed to be done for me to live."