Chapter 53: Forgiveness

He didn't say anything as I finished and I just waited, unsure of what I needed to say. He moved over to my side and wrapped his arms around me, both of us groaning at the pain it caused. "Phoebe, put all the blame on me if you want. It's all over now anyways. We are together and there are no more secrets between us. I love you with all my heart and nothing will ever change that. So I'll take the blame if that's what you need. I'll be guilty if it saves you. I don't want you to ever feel that way again. I never what to be the cause of that." he gestured to my chest, where the magic exploded and my heart broke once before.

I felt his words to my core, he would take all the guilt and pain for me, he would do anything for me to live my life to the fullest. I would do the same for him, this man was my entire reason for being at this point. We stayed like that for a while, just resting with each other and lending our strengths to each other. By that evening, Remus returned with dinner and looked between us. "It is so hard to believe you two were together…I mean, I never even thought you two were friends. Although it does make a little sense why Sirius pounded that guy for talking bad about you." I remembered the beating that Sirius gave that guy who was saying bad things, the rumors of my sleeping with guys in classrooms and other things. I blushed and looked away, making Sirius give my hand a squeeze.

"Yeah, we were both good at hiding it…although I wanted to tell you all sooner, but Phoebe didn't believe you guys would be accepting and understand." he shrugged and waved his hand. "It's possible. I mean, I wouldn't have felt a certain way about it, but I can't speak for Lily or James." and with that, he excused himself and left us alone to eat our dinner, not speaking much. Sirius told me he was going to take a bath and I nodded, feeling tired and still in pain as I moved to the window, opening it and feeling the salty air on my face. "I'll be quick and we can get some rest." I told him to take his time, he needed to relax and regain his strength as well. Once he was gone, I sighed and leaned against the window seal.

**Memory**

I had left the secret spot after calming down, noticing how much people were looking at me as I walked, probably hearing the rumors and hearing about the fight between that guy and Sirius. I went to the common room and saw the guys trying to calm Sirius down still as he paced the room. "Phoebe!" I saw Lily, who came running over to me as the guys all turned and faced me. Sirius's eyes met mine and I sighed, giving him a shake of my head. "What happened? I heard it from a girl coming in a minute ago. They have barely been able to keep him in the common room." I explained I healed the guys wounds and cleaned him up, before coming back here.

"You actually helped that ass?" Sirius sneered and I nodded, eyeing him close. "I didn't ask you to fight on my behalf. I didn't ask you to pummel anyone who says anything about me, good or bad. You're not my boyfriend or my protector, so just back off." I replied calmly, hoping he would get the hint and not take it personal, I needed to make sure no one ever found out we loved each other. He scoffed and tossed his still bloody hands up, "Fine! The rumor probably true anyways! I'm sorry for trying to be nice!" he stormed off and James was right behind him, the others following. The common room was quiet as everyone began to file out, leaving Lily and myself alone.

"Phoebe, are you alright? I mean you have been acting so different lately, you can talk to me you know?" I nodded and told her I was alright, just stressed and tired and having family issues. She didn't probe more and went up to bed soon after, I sat by the fire, wishing I didn't have to be so mean to him. If this kept up, we would both start to believe our words and that would only cause more trouble for us. "…Hey…" I glanced over my shoulder and saw Sirius leaning against the door, his eyes boring into mine. He gave me a nod to follow him and I did, feeling I needed his comfort again. To apologize for my harsh words.

We snuck into a secret pathway and settled across from each other, our knees touching. "Sirius, I know you felt you needed to teach that guy a lesson, but you can't just go reacting like that. It's going to give away our feelings." "Phoebe, you are dating Remus, so why are you acting like you don't want to be? I mean, are you just trying to make me jealous?" I shook my head, wanting to tell him what truly happened, but knowing it would only make things worse. "Remus is a good guy. But I don't want to talk about him." I said simply, my words seemingly hollow. Sirius scoffed and moved over to me, towering over my body and placing his face inches from my face. I arched upward, almost closing the distance.

"See? Here you are, boyfriend and yet you act like this with me. You want me…not him. Your body wants mine, your heart wants mine." he whispered, his breath teasing my skin as I knew his words were true. I didn't have to follow him here, I didn't have to stay here with him…but I wanted to with every part of me. "Sirius…please…" I begged and he smirked, closing the distance and kissing me softly, pulling me against him and I straddled him. Having him so close, being with him so fully, it made the pain bearable, it made the thoughts leave my mind, the dark thoughts that probed my mind, telling me to just end it so I could be with our child. But when I was with him, the thoughts vanished, the fear of losing everything was gone, he made me whole and I needed that right now.

We finished our time together and he groaned against me, the space wasn't suited for this, but this is what we had to do. I pressed my ear against his chest, listening to his heartbeat still racing from our passions. He whispered we needed to get back, and I knew it, but just a minute longer, I didn't want to leave, to become unwhole again, I wasn't ready for the thoughts to come back, the pain to return and make me depressed again. But too soon he was pulling me to my feet, leading me through the halls, making sure we weren't seen as we made it back to common room. He had dropped my hand before we made it to the portrait, before someone would see us.

He went straight to the boys rooms and I went up to the girls side, heading straight to bed and sleeping dreamless for one night. The next morning, Dumbledore had a note for me and breakfast, telling me I would still be excused for another week before I would have to start back a couple classes, slowly. I ate a small amount of food, not feeling hungry, just wanting to sleep the day away again. But his face flashed in my mind, if I could see him, just for a minute, maybe it would make it easier. I dressed and went downstairs, finding it empty as class was already happening.

I sighed, I could only hope he would find me at some point, so I walked to a courtyard and sat on a bench. It was near the library, maybe he would see me at some point. I heard the bell and soon students were filing around, heading to their next class. I was spotted, but not by Sirius. "Hey Phoebe, feeling better?" I nodded and he sat beside me, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze. "Needed some air?" "Yeah…it's good for me. Keeps me out of my own head." he gave me a smile, his face showing more wear as the full moon was coming closer. "Remus, can we talk…about us?" he nodded and waited for me to speak, probably knowing what was coming.

"Phoebe, there's nothing to talk about. You were only with me to be there for you while you were…you know." I turned to him, giving his hand a squeeze. "That's not true. You are a great guy. You're smart and caring and so selfless. You look out for your friends and even people you don't know. You are there for anyone who needs you. Any girl would be lucky to be with you." "Except you…" he mumbled and I sighed, I wished I could feel for him like that, but Sirius held my heart and would always. "That's true…I don't see you like that. Only a friend. I'm sorry." he shrugged and gave me a hug, "It's alright, just having you as a friend is enough, I still consider myself lucky." I hugged him back, he would make some girl happy in the future.

He kissed my cheek before waving bye and heading to class, I was happy he was so understanding and didn't hold it against me that I basically used him. It made me feel awful. After a week, I returned to classes and just seeing Sirius everyday in class made it a bit easier to get through the day. It also caused pain because I knew I was hiding so much from him, but seeing his face, him sneaking looks at me, it was enough. I would come clean at some point…but for now…this was helping me survive.

**End Memory**

"Hey, you alright?" I jumped as his fingers ran against my skin, snapping me out of my mind and I turned and seen him in a towel, pressing his bare chest against my back. "Oh…yeah…just thinking about some things…" he didn't ask further, just holding me against him as we staring at the night sky and ocean crashing gently against the sand. We went to bed shortly after, he fell asleep so quickly and I watched him for a while. He asked me to marry him once before…but did he still want to now? What would my answer be? I touched his face and curled into his embrace, thinking of what I would say if he asked again…before I faded into sleep.