Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures
BEFORE THE DAWN
(PG:13)
Chapter Three
2378
From a couch in Chakotay's spacious apartment, Kathryn watched in silence as her former First Officer, who was sitting beside her, opened a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. He was casually dressed in black pants and a fawn shirt, and even though he had aged by the best part of a decade since their first meeting, she thought he looked as handsome now as he did then. She herself was wearing a knee-length dress of rich blue velvet that fell off her shoulders in a low-neckline that was decorated with a diamond pendant. Her hair was swept up from her face in a flattering style and high heel shoes graced her feet. For so many years Chakotay had seen her in very little except her plain Starfleet uniform, and tonight she wanted to look as feminine as she possibly could. He had once said he liked her in blue, and somewhere in his heart she hoped he remembered.
Since they had returned to Earth, she had only seen him a handful of times, and this was the first time they were having dinner alone together since Voyager. Over the past five months there had been a lot of change in both their lives. She had been promoted to Admiral and started working at Starfleet Command, and he had recently started teaching at a university in North Carolina. In the weeks immediately following their return, Chakotay had gone to visit his sister and surviving family members on Trebus, and then had gone on a two month archaeological expedition to Varlita Prime. Kathryn had missed him terribly, more than she had ever imagined she would, but had no idea what his feelings were for her now. He had loved her once, that she knew. But it was a long time ago and it seemed like he had moved on. Ever since he had returned from the expedition she had wanted to see him, but every time she was about to call him and ask him for dinner, her courage had failed her. It was a good thing, then, that he had asked her to dinner instead.
After the recent changes in their life and the new starts for both of them, there should have been a lot for them to talk about. But, they had eaten almost in silence. Chakotay had been very quiet all evening and she had been quiet too. There was something in particular that she wanted to discuss with him, and she didn't have a clue how she was going to begin.
"Here," Chakotay said, holding a glass of sparkling wine out to her.
Kathryn took the glass with a thank you and took a much needed sip to moisten her dry throat.
"I'm sorry about the lack of furniture," he said, pouring himself a glass of wine. "I'm still getting settled in. This couch came with the place and I haven't yet had a chance to replace it with a suite."
"Don't apologize on my behalf," Kathryn answered. "This couch is fine."
Chakotay picked up his glass of wine and took a sip. Kathryn waited for him to speak again, to tell her something of his plans for the apartment as the Chakotay she knew and loved would, but he said nothing.
Kathryn looked into the golden wine in her glass and tears unexpectedly welled in her eyes. She and Chakotay had always been so comfortable together, so natural together. He had been her best friend for so long, but now they couldn't even hold a simple conversation together. How she was going to talk to him about what she had to, she didn't know, but she had to try. She forced back the tears and looked up at him. But, just as she said his name, he said hers. He clearly wanted to say something too.
"You go first," Chakotay said.
"No," Kathryn replied. "You...Please. I insist."
Chakotay seemed to accept her concession and put down the glass in his hands.
"There's something I want to say to you," he said quietly, avoiding her eyes. "And I'll only say it this once." He paused painfully. "I once told you in an ancient legend that I love you, and that hasn't changed. I thought I'd moved on, thought I could accept just friendship between us, but the truth is I want more than that." He finally looked up at her. "I need to know if there's any chance for us now that we're home."
The tears Kathryn had only just managed to suppress filled her eyes once more. Trembling slightly, she reached out and put her hand over his. "Yes, Chakotay. I love you too, very much. The only reason I kept a distance between us on Voyager was because of our positions." She paused and searched for the strength to continue. "But there's something I have to tell you that may change how you feel."
Chakotay gently squeezed her hand, a light now shining in his kind eyes. "Nothing could change how I feel about you."
"This might," Kathryn answered. A stubborn tear ran down her cheek and she clumsily wiped it away. "I've wanted to tell you since it happened, but it was never the right time or the right place. So I had to keep it from you and the guilt of doing so has been very difficult to bear."
Chakotay frowned, not comprehending. "I don't understand," he said quietly. "Keep what from me?"
Kathryn took a deep breath and summoned all her courage. "A few weeks after the Hirogen invasion, I found out I was pregnant." Her voice fell to a whisper. "You were the father."
The blood drained out of Chakotay's face and he slowly withdrew his hand from hers.
"We were clearly intimate during one of the holo-simulations the Hirogens put us in," Kathryn went on, "but like with all the other simulations, we have no recollection of it."
Slowly, painfully, Chakotay got to his feet and wandered over to a naked window.
"This is..."
"Hard to believe, I know," Kathryn said, getting to her feet.
Chakotay turned to her, his body taut and tortured. "You said you were pregnant..."
Kathryn nodded.
"But there was never any..." He was about to say baby, when a terrible thought came to his mind and tears flooded his eyes. "No," he said, his heart contorting in agony. "Please say you didn't..."
"No," Kathryn said, closing the gap between them and putting her hands on his arms. "I wouldn't have, I couldn't have. I froze the embryo."
Infinite relief consumed Chakotay at that and he exhaled, breathing again. But there was still so much pain in his eyes.
"I thought it was the only thing I could do in the circumstance," Kathryn continued. "Neither of us was in a position to have a child and I thought..."
Chakotay broke away from her, anger surfacing now. "You thought? What about me? You had no right to make that decision on my behalf! We should have come to a decision together!"
"I know that now, but I was scared. You would have wanted us to get together and play happy families, even though we had a starship to run and a crew to get home, or you would have wanted to raise the child yourself. Both situations were out of the question so it seemed better not to tell you."
"But what right did you have to decide all this? Dammit, Kathryn! It was my baby too!"
"I know," she said quietly. "And I should have told you. But you think it hasn't tortured me all these years? Why do you think things changed between us afterwards? Why do you think I was more distant? Because the guilt of keeping this from you was terrible."
"My heart bleeds for you!"
Kathryn swallowed. She had expected Chakotay to be angry, but he hadn't been this way with her since their very first few weeks on Voyager, and even then there had always been an undercurrent of respect in his dealings with her. But there was no respect now. All she could see in his eyes now was pain, anger, and loathing
"I was going to tell you tonight," Kathryn said quietly. "Now that we're home I thought..."
"And what if we never made it home? What if we were still on Voyager? Would you ever have told me?"
"I don't know," Kathryn answered honestly. "But maybe that's another reason the Admiral came so that we could get back home in time to be parents..."
"The Admiral," he said, slight bitterness in his voice. "I didn't see you rushing to go along with her plan."
"How could I? For all I knew she could have been species 8472! And even when it seemed like she was who she said she was, going along with her plan wasn't the only way of changing her future..."
Chakotay turned to the window and leant against the frame. "You should have told me, Kathryn. I can't believe you didn't tell me and that you went through all this alone..." He turned to her again, unable to keep still. "Why, Kathryn? Why do you always think you have to do things alone?"
"I don't know," she said quietly.
Chakotay closed the gap between them and seized her firmly, but not harshly. "I thought you trusted me."
"I do," Kathryn replied.
"No," he answered. "You don't. If you did, you would have told me. We'd have made a decision about this together. A decision that would have been right for both of us!"
"I'm sorry," Kathryn said, averting her eyes.
"No, you're not," he argued, breaking away from her. "If you were really sorry, you would have told me long before now." Tears brimmed his eyes. "I thought I knew you, Kathryn. I thought I could trust you. But now it seems like I don't know you at all. I would never have thought you capable of something like this."
"I thought it was for the best," she said helplessly, her argument sounding weak even to her own ears."Try to see it from my point of view..."
"I'm trying, Kathryn. Dammit, I'm trying, but there is no excuse for what you did..."
"I know that, I just...I thought it was for the best. But afterwards..."
"Best for who?" Chakotay retaliated. "Best for me, best for you, best for the baby?"
"For all of us..." She seized Chakotay's arms. "I'm sorry, Chakotay, I am. I'm really, deeply, sorry. I know it was wrong not to tell you. I know that. And it's tortured me. But does it have to matter now? We're home and we can be a family. You, me, and the baby..."
"The end doesn't always justify the means," Chakotay replied. "How can I just forget what you've done?" Tears flooded his eyes again. "I can't, Kathryn. This hurts like... It hurts like hell."
"I'm sorry," Kathryn said tearfully. "I never wanted to hurt you. I love you..."
"And that's love, is it? Keeping the existence of my child a secret from me? Deciding never to tell me unless we get home?"
"I'm sorry," Kathryn said again. "But it wasn't like that. I was scared..."
Chakotay put his head in his hands and rubbed his tired eyes. "I think you should leave, Kathryn..."
"But we need too..."
He lowered his hands and looked at her. "Before we both say something we regret. I need time to get my head around this."
Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded. After what she had done, giving him time and space was the least she could do. "Alright," she said quietly. "I'll leave."
Without another word, she went over to the table and picked up her jacket from behind a chair. In silence she put it on and then walked towards the door. When she reached it, she looked back at Chakotay, hoping with all her heart that he would ask her to stay, but he said nothing. Fighting the tears, she opened the door and left.
END OF CHAPTER THREE