Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures

BEFORE THE DAWN
(PG:13)

Chapter Four

A soft summer breeze blew across Lake Griffy, rippling the water and blurring the reflected blue sky. Wearing a thin white cardigan over blue jeans and a blue t-shirt, Kathryn sat on the bank of the lake and gazed out vacantly at the scene before her. For as long as she could remember she had come to this place when she wanted to be alone. Tall trees secluded the lake from the rest of the world and very few people came here. In an age of holodecks and starships, natural wonders were generally overlooked in favor of more exotic artificial environments.

How long she had been sitting here, gazing out at the water, she didn't know. Time seemed suspended, seemed both a second and an eternity. Stale tears stained her cheeks and every now and then another tear escaped her tired eyes. Chakotay had reacted as she had expected him to react, as he had ever right to react, but a part of her had hoped for a different outcome. So many times over the past four years she had come close to telling him about the baby, but at the last moment her courage had failed her. She knew how hurt he would be, how angry, and she was scared of the consequences to both their personal and professional relationship. If only she hadn't acted so hastily in her panic. If only she had told Chakotay she was pregnant. She still believed that freezing the embryo was the right thing to do, but she and Chakotay should have come to that conclusion together.

"Kathryn..."

Kathryn froze momentarily at the sound of Chakotay's voice, then quickly got to her feet. Her former First Officer was standing before her, and his eyes were as dull and dark as the black outfit he was wearing.

"Chakotay..."

"Your mother said I would find you here."

Since returning home, Kathryn stayed with her mother in Bloomington every other weekend. It was good to spend time with her mother, and they both enjoyed the company.

"Yes, I was just..." She paused. "After last night, I wasn't expecting to see you today."

"We need to talk. I've been up all night thinking about things and consulting my animal guide and... and just two questions keep coming back to me. Questions I'd like you to answer. Truthfully."

"I will," Kathryn said quietly.

"Firstly, are you really sorry that you didn't tell me?"

Kathryn nodded. "Deeply, truly, and utterly sorry."

Chakotay looked deep into her eyes, searching her soul, and when he saw the truth of those words in them, the pain in his eyes eased a little.

"And secondly, did you want the baby?"

Tears flooded Kathryn's eyes at that and all she could do was nod.

At the sorrow and regret in her eyes, the remaining pain in Chakotay's eyes melted into sadness and he turned towards the lake.

"We all make mistakes," he said quietly. "We've all done things that we've later come to regret. And I know as well as anyone that the first people we hurt by our mistakes are those we love. I never told my father that I planned on going to Starfleet until I had a place. I didn't tell him for two reasons. The first was because I was afraid he would thwart my plans, force me somehow to stay at the tribe. He had that power over me because I loved him and admired him. The second reason was that I didn't want to hurt him. But I hurt him deeply by securing my place at Starfleet without his knowledge, and even more when I left without his blessing. For years afterwards I longed for him to understand, longed to heal the rift between us, but in this mortal life he never forgave me for going my own way. Instead of burying the mistakes of the past so that we could face a future without their burden, he carried them around, refused to let them go." He paused and then turned back to Kathryn. "I don't want the same thing to happen to us. I can't pretend that all this hasn't hurt me, because it has, profoundly, but I love you and I think you love me."

"I do," Kathryn said, interrupting him. "Very much. And I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm really sorry."

"I believe you," he said quietly. "When you first told me, I was angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, but now I'm more sad than anything else. I'm sad that you didn't feel you could tell me, sad that you went through it all alone, sad that you might never have told me if we hadn't of got home. I'm also sad that I made love with the woman I love, but have no recollection of it. I'm sad about so many things. But I was wrong last night. I do know you. I know you better than you know yourself half the time. While we were stranded in the Delta Quadrant, you believed that you had to deny yourself everything for the crew. You blamed yourself for Voyager being stranded and punished yourself by putting Kathryn in the closet and rarely letting her out. The more Kathryn shouted that she wanted something, the more the Captain denied her. The more she hurt, the better the Captain felt." He paused. "If freezing the embryo is really what you wanted to do, then I would have gone along with that. I would never have asked you to watch me raise our child, knowing how much it would have hurt you to see the child day in and day out. But, for what it's worth, I think we could have played what you call happy families, and played it well. We were thousands of light years from home, and I don't think anyone would have condemned you for making a life for yourself on Voyager. It's what we encouraged everyone to do. But there's no way the captain would have let Kathryn enjoy a family life. There's no way she would have let Kathryn gestate and give birth to a much wanted and loved baby. The more Kathryn loved, the more the Captain had to deny her. The more Kathryn wanted, the more she had to be punished. With Kathryn having to fight the captain so hard, what hope was there of her fighting on my behalf too?"

Kathryn made no reply, just gazed at her hands and fidgeted with her fingers. As usual he had hit the mark.

"What's in the past is in the past," he continued. "I would like there to be a future for us."

Kathryn looked up at him now. "So would I, Chakotay. If you can forgive me..."

Chakotay nodded. "Just promise me you'll never do something like this again."

"Never," she replied, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I promise."

For a long moment, Chakotay made no response. Then slowly, tentatively, he slipped his arms around her and held her in return.

"We'll be happy," Kathryn whispered. "You, me, and our son."

Chakotay drew slightly away from her. "Our son?"

Kathryn nodded. "The baby was a boy." She paused. "When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked. One moment the Doctor was telling me I was pregnant with your child, and the next we were freezing the embryo. The Doctor wanted me to talk to you first, but I just wanted it done. I wasn't thinking straight, don't know what I was thinking. I wish I had told you, wish I hadn't been so hasty." A tear ran down her cheek. "But if you hate me for it, you can't hate me more than I've hated myself."

"I don't hate you," Chakotay replied. He gently brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I love you. I've always loved you. It was wrong not to tell me, and it hurts that you didn't, but you know it was wrong and you're sorry, so I'd like that to be the end of it. As you said last night, we're home now and the three of us can be a family. We can either wallow in regrets of the past like my father did, causing us all more pain in the process, or we can embrace the future and be happy. I know which is my choice."

Kathryn took his hand in hers. "And mine."

"Then let's not dwell on the past. Let's just think about the here and the now and everything we have to look forward to in the future.

Kathryn smiled softly. "Yes. Let's just think of all that."

Chakotay drew her close again and they held each other once more.

END OF CHAPTER FOUR