Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures

BEFORE THE DAWN
(PG:13)

Chapter Six

Oblivious to time and place, Kathryn lay in bed, her eyes glazed and her face as white as the sheets surrounding her. Sun streamed in from the window, bathing the room in a rich golden light, but it was black as night in her soul.

"I've brought you some lunch," Phoebe said, standing by the bed with a silver tray in her hands. "Lenil and Vegetable soup with bread."

Kathryn made no reply.

"Come on now, Kathryn," Phoebe urged, trying not to display the concern she felt at her sister's behavior. "Sit up and eat something. You've got to eat."

Still no response.

"Do you want to have the Doctor again? Because if you don't eat, then we're going to have to..."

Chakotay's voice interrupted her. "Leave the tray on the bedside table."

Phoebe turned in the direction of his voice and found her brother-in-law standing in the doorway. He was casually dressed in black pants and a brown sweater, and looked as though he had aged a decade in the past three days.

"Ok," she answered.

Without another word, she put down the tray and then glanced sadly at her sister before making to leave.

"I haven't had a word out of her all morning," she said to Chakotay when she reached him. "I don't know what to do..."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Leave her to me."

Phoebe left the room and Chakotay slowly made his way over to his wife. He looked at her sadly for a moment, and then sat on the edge of the bed. After losing the baby she had gone into shock, and was now suffering from severe depression. Gently, he put his hand to her brow and caressed her tenderly.

"Phoebe's right," he said kindly. "You've got to eat."

No response.

"Please, Kathryn," he begged, tears filling his eyes. "Talk to me."

Slowly, painfully, Kathryn's eyes began to focus and she spoke.

"I killed him," she whispered. "I killed our son."

"No, darling," Chakotay replied. "You mustn't think that. You had a miscarriage."

She shook her head. "Failed re-plantation. There's a difference."

Chakotay reached for her hand and held it in his. "You didn't know this was going to happen. It's not your fault."

"It is," she maintained. "It is my fault. It's all my fault. I knew the risk."

"But you hoped for the best outcome. You wanted what was best for him."

"I should never have frozen him, that's the truth. It's all my fault. No one's but mine. And how can you bear to look at me? How can you bear to touch me? I did it all behind your back and I killed our son."

"What you did then bears no relevance to now. If you'd have told me, I would have gone along with it."

"Yes," she said despondently. "You'd have gone along with it. You'd have agreed with it for my sake. But you wouldn't have wanted it. You'd have wanted us to raise him, either as a couple or through shared custody."

"That is beside the point. I would have agreed to the freezing, and if I had agreed, we would still be here in this situation now. It's not..."

"Exactly," Kathryn went on. "We'd still be here in this situation. Our son is dead because of me. I was so caught up in getting Voyager home and giving the crew their lives back, that I put no value on his life. But he deserved to live too, deserved to share the journey with us like Naomi did and Miral would have done, but I denied him life because I deemed him an inconvenience."

"You're looking at this with distorted vision," Chakotay tried to reason. "You thought he would have a better quality of life in the Alpha Quadrant, whether with us or with adoptive parents. You didn't want this to happen."

"But it did happen, Chakotay. And I... I can't bear it..."

"It will get easier," Chakotay said, trying to reassure her, trying to comfort her. "I promise that it will. We can try for another child and..."

"I don't want another child. I want him. Our Billy."

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes, but he managed to hold them back. He was grieving too, deeply grieving, but was trying to be strong for Kathryn's sake. The Doctor said she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and whatever his own thoughts and feelings, he had to put her first.

"We'll get through this," he said quietly. "We'll get through it together."

Kathryn's eyes began to glaze again and she stared ahead. "Just leave, Chakotay. Please. I want to be alone."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "Don't shut me out, Kathryn. Let me comfort you."

"I don't want comforting. I just want you to go. Please..."

He didn't want to leave her, but neither did he want to upset her.

"On one condition," he conceded. "You try to eat some soup."

For a moment she made no response, but then nodded. "I will try."

Chakotay gently let go of her hand and then kissed her forehead. "I'll be back to make sure that you have."

He then got to his feet and reluctantly left.

SIX MONTHS LATER

A heavy April shower beat down on the log-home Kathryn had briefly shared with Chakotay. Wrapped in a long black coat and holding a matching umbrella to protect herself from the downpour, she stood at the front door and rang the door bell. A familiar dog barked inside, and then the door opened, revealing Chakotay and a now much grown Ebony. Chakotay's hair was now very short and graying, and he had lost some weight.

"Kathryn..."

"Hello, Chakotay."

Ebony jumped up on her and Kathryn petted the affectionate Labrador.

"Hello, old girl."

Chakotay stepped aside. "Please, come in."

Kathryn closed her umbrella, and then stepped into the house.

"You didn't have to ring the bell," Chakotay said, closing the door behind her. "This is still your home."

"Only officially," Kathryn replied. "And that's part of why I'm here." She turned to look at him. "I won't beat around the bush. I want a divorce."

Pain filled Chakotay's kind eyes.

"I've spoken to my solicitor and she says that if you don't contest it, we can be divorced by the fall."

Chakotay averted his eyes and was a moment in speaking. "I wasn't expecting this. I thought...maybe..." He looked up at herwith infinite longing. "I thought maybe you'd come home."

For a moment, just a moment, tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. Then they were gone. "I have a new home now," she said quietly. "And someone new to share it with."

At that, the last glimmer of light in Chakotay's eyes left, leaving them a dark void. "I see," he said quietly.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay."

Chakotay turned away from her and looked out of the hallway window. "How long have you been seeing him?"

"Since February. We've kept it quiet."

"Who is he?"

"That doesn't matter." She paused. "You'll receive a letter from my solicitor tomorrow, but I wanted to tell you in person."

There was a long, heavy, silence, and then Chakotay spoke.

"I don't understand this. I've tried to do everything that you wanted of me. I've given you space, given you time to grieve..." He turned to her. "What have I done wrong?"

Kathryn closed the gap between them. "It's not you, Chakotay. It's me. Since we lost..." She couldn't say his name. "I'm not the same person. The life that we had, the dreams that we had, they're gone. We can never get them back again."

"We can make new ones. I love you, Kathryn. I've never stopped loving you. And I'm willing to bet that this new man you have doesn't love you half as much as I do. We can start over. Please..."

"It's too late, Chakotay. Perhaps it always was for us. I've got a new life now and I want a divorce. Will you agree to it?"

Chakotay turned back to the window, his heart breaking. "If that is really what you want."

"It is."

Chakotay made no reply and was visibly trembling.

"You can have Ebony and the house. She's always been your dog more than mine and it wouldn't be fair to take her from you now."

Only silence answered her.

Well," Kathryn said. "That's all I came to say. I'll leave now." She turned to Ebony and patted the dog again. "Goodbye, old girl. You look after Chakotay and the house." She then looked up at Chakotay and studied him a moment before speaking. "Goodbye, Chakotay. I hope you find someone who will make you happy. You deserve to be happy."

With that, she made her way to the door.

"Kathryn..."

At the sound of her name, she looked back at Chakotay.

"I hope this man, whoever he is, makes you happy too."

Kathryn gave an uncomfortable nod and then hastily opened the door.

"Goodbye, Chakotay."

Before he knew it, the door closed behind her, and he was alone with Ebony. Looking out of the window, he saw Kathryn tap her commbadge, and then moments later she disappeared. When she was gone, he slid to the floor and wept.

END OF CHAPTER SIX