Chapter 30

"All right, Agent McGee. That's it for now. Let's get you back to your room. It'll be a few hours before you'll get the results."

"Okay," Tim said. He let the staff help him back into the wheelchair without complaint. He was depressingly familiar with the process of getting an MRI. He'd had more than his fair share of them in the last year. He'd been in a coma for his first few, but he'd had plenty to make up for that as he'd recovered. They didn't even faze him anymore, really. It was depressing that he needed to have them, but the process itself was fine. At least he wasn't claustrophobic.

He let one of the nurses take him back to his room. He said nothing as they went. He just sat there. When they got to his room, Ducky was sitting on a chair and smiled at him.

"Welcome back, Timothy," he said.

"Yeah," Tim said with a humorless smile. That was all he said. He just got back into bed and leaned back with his eyes closed. He still didn't feel good. He was worried. He ached. He was more than a little depressed. All in all, he wasn't in the mood for anyone to be in a good mood around him. Maybe they didn't need to be depressed as such, but he didn't need them to be happy.

There was a hand on his arm.

"What's wrong, Timothy?"

"Nothing."

"That's obviously not true. What's wrong?"

He squeezed his eyes more tightly shut. "Everything."

"Timothy."

There was a long silence that Ducky didn't break, and finally, Tim opened his eyes.

"I'm tired, Ducky," he said. "I thought that... when I found Tony, that would mean things would be easier. I thought that it would make everything right. I thought... it could be normal again. It hasn't been. Not for a year. I'm so tired of things not being normal. But they're not now. Will they ever be?"

"Of course they will, Timothy. Eventually. To expect them to be normal now is wishful thinking, I'm afraid. There are too many chaotic tendrils to expect normalcy so soon."

Tim was annoyed that he felt the urge to cry again. No. No, he would not cry. He would not let his roller-coaster emotions control him. He closed his eyes again.

"Timothy, it's all right to be upset. I can tell that you don't want to be and I don't blame you, but being upset right now is quite understandable."

"No," Tim said in a whisper.

Then, as Tim had been dreading, he felt Ducky put a comforting arm around his shoulders. He had vague memories of Ducky doing the same thing when he had felt trapped in the dark.

"Yes, Timothy. You'll feel better if you don't try to hold back. I'm sure it's not helping your headache to carry so much stress."

Tim laughed a little and then started to cry.

"There you go. It's all right. Nothing to be ashamed of. It's a natural reaction."

"I... don't want to... be like this... It's not normal," Tim choked out.

Ducky chuckled softly.

"No, it's not, but since this is not a normal situation, it's an abnormal reaction in an abnormal situation... and that is perfectly normal."

Tim laughed through his tears.

"No need to worry, Timothy. And if you give yourself the recovery time that you need, you'll find that this isn't nearly as common a reaction as it is right now."

"Y-You k-keep saying that."

"That's because you keep needing to hear it. You have not truly let yourself recover. You've gone through the motions for your physical recovery, but your mental recovery has been largely ignored and that can no longer be the case. You need to take the break that you know you need."

"No choice right now."

"Yes, there is. Unfortunately, even lying here in a hospital bed, you can choose to ignore your mental health and you shouldn't. You feel terrible right now and your body is letting you know that it can't continue at normal levels, but once your physical health improves, you may again ignore your mental health needs but you need to pay attention to those needs."

"I'm just tired."

"Then, you should rest. Rest and recover."

"I'm not doing my part."

"Yes, you are. You have done more than your part already and you should let others shoulder some of the burden instead of thinking that you need to do more."

Tim sighed.

"If you are tired, Timothy, then, you should rest. Relax and know that it's not all up to you."

Part of Tim didn't want to, but there was another part that was growing louder, begging to be given the time Ducky said he needed. Begging for that downtime. He slumped down lower and then felt Ducky reclining the bed.

"Rest, Timothy. All else will keep."

Finally, Tim listened and let himself sleep once more.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony wasn't sure he really liked this whole talk about your problems thing. He wanted to ignore it all and just leave it behind, but Dr. Snarr was pushing him and Tony was trying to do as he was being asked to. Still...

"Tony, would you mind sitting down?"

Tony looked away from the window where he'd walked after the last uncomfortable question. After a moment of hesitation, he nodded and sat down again.

"Now, how are you feeling?" Dr. Snarr asked. "Right at this moment."

"I want to run out of here and never come back," he said, honestly.

Dr. Snarr smiled. "Believe it or not, to a degree, I understand that feeling. Your life right now is pretty complicated, isn't it."

"Yeah. Understatement of the year."

"Tell me what you see that you have to deal with at this point."

Another uncomfortable question. Tony shifted awkwardly in the chair.

"No judgments, Tony. Just what do you feel you need to address?"

"Everything," Tony said finally.

"Be specific."

Tony sighed.

"I have to deal with... being Tony, not Joel. I have to deal with this case. I have to deal with getting back into my life. I have to deal with getting back into my job. I have to deal with how much Tim sacrificed to find me. I have to deal with the job that I've been doing up to now. I have to deal with... how wrong everything feels, even when it's right. ...everything."

"I can see that it feels like that. So now, let's talk just a bit about the last thing. You said everything still feels wrong to you."

Tony nodded.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Then, think about it. You just said that things are right, but that they still feel wrong. Why?"

Tony took a breath and tried to do as Dr. Snarr said.

"I... I think that..."

"What?"

"I'd started to... to feel like Joel instead of Tony. Like it wasn't just a name I was using because I didn't know what the right one was. It was me and everything that went along with it. But now... now, I'm Tony again, and that's right. It's who I am, but I can't get rid of this feeling that... that I'm still Joel. I don't know how to stop feeling like Joel... and even then, I still feel like Tony, too."

Dr. Snarr nodded without speaking. He just looked encouraging.

Tony took a breath and kept going. "It's almost like I'm two people and I have to decide which one I really want to be...but at the same time, I don't really feel like there is a choice. I have to be who I am. I'm Tony DiNozzo. ...but at the same time, why do I feel like I'm Joel Williams, too?"

"Did you feel like you were pretending when you were Joel?" Dr. Snarr asked.

"I never admitted that I couldn't remember. I kept that hidden from everyone until just the last couple of days. I didn't feel like I could safely tell anyone."

"That's not what I mean. Were you being someone you weren't or were you just not revealing all the information that you had about yourself?"

Tony thought about that for a long time. He had kept things from Jack. He had not explained his thoughts, but he'd still been as much of himself as he could be. He had done mostly what felt natural to him.

"I was being me... as far as I knew," he said after a few minutes. "I didn't try to go against that."

"Then, you weren't pretending. You were just being yourself," Dr. Snarr said.

"Yeah, I guess."

"That's why you can't decided who to be," Dr. Snarr said. "The core of yourself was the same, no matter what the details were. What you're really choosing between is the life of a musician and the life of an NCIS agent."

"Am I, though? Those are just... jobs."

"Jobs that tend to define you. A musician tends be affected in all aspects of his life by his choice of occupation. Music is something that gets inside you in ways that can't be faked. Law enforcement tends to see itself a certain way. Your job is one that requires much of you. And I can see that being a musician might seem appealing in that it's rather uncomplicated at its heart. The job you have to do as an agent is very complicated. You're choosing between complexity and simplicity."

Tony smiled weakly. "Simplicity sounds better."

Dr. Snarr smiled. "I'm sure it does."

"So... what do I do?"

"That's up to you, but one thing you should not do is make a decision right this moment."

"Why not?"

"Because you're in a state of high stress and confusion. You're unsure about your memories. You feel some loyalty to the man who was helping you before. You're pulled in so many directions that you're bearing a heavy psychological weight and worrying about whether or not you're making the right decision in this moment is more likely to lead to a complete break than anything else. So for now, I would suggest that you don't worry about what life you're going to choose. Focus more on gaining confidence in your knowledge of yourself."

"I just told you that I don't know what self I want to be!"

"I'm not talking about names or jobs or locations, Tony," Dr. Snarr said. "I'm talking about the core of who you are. You're getting memories of your life back. You need to take the time to understand those memories and how they affect your self-perception."

"I don't know if there's time for that right now. It feels like everything is moving too fast for that."

"You need to make the time, Tony. This isn't something I'm saying because you'll feel good. This is something I'm saying to make sure that you don't completely lose yourself by putting your mind under a stress it can't take right now."

Tony stood up again and walked back to the window.

"Tony?"

He swallowed and turned back.

"Would it be better if I did?" he asked softly.

"If you did what?"

"If I just lost myself."

"No," Dr. Snarr said instantly. "No, it wouldn't. Even if you made the decision to give up your previous life and your current life, losing the core of yourself is not better. There are people who have suffered from psychogenic amnesia who have had multiple relapses where they forget and end up in a different life over and over again. Psychogenic amnesia is not something that we understand well. It doesn't happen often. It's not like in the movies where you get a knock on the head and forget things and then get another knock on the head and remember. Psychogenic amnesia is connected to trauma and if that trauma is not resolved, it can happen again and again. You were fortunate this time in that you were able to find a place that you could settle and you kept much of yourself intact. You may not be that lucky if it happened again. That's why I'm saying that you need to take the time, no matter what. As complicated as figuring these things out will be, it's better to deal with that and truly know yourself than to lose yourself again."

Tony swallowed again, took a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh.

"How do I do that?"

"You take the time to learn, to remember, and you spend time going over the circumstances that led you to forget your life in the first place. Even if it's not me, you should have someone helping you through this. There's no reason to try to do it on your own, and it will be much easier if you don't."

Tony nodded.

"And it'll get better?"

"Yes. I guarantee it will. I don't guarantee it will be easy, but it will get better."

"Okay."

"So, for now, I'd recommend just giving yourself some time to relax and I'd like to speak to you again tomorrow. All right?"

"Okay."

Tony left the office and headed back to Tim's room. As he approached, he saw Langston talking to another cop, but it was Gibbs who got his attention. Gibbs was talking on the phone and he didn't look happy.

"When?" he asked.

He listened for a few seconds.

"How many of them are gone?"

Again a few seconds of silence.

"Any sign of where they were headed?"

Then, Gibbs noticed Tony standing there.

"You keep on it, Bishop. Tell me as soon as you know."

Then, he hung up.

"What is it, Boss?" Tony asked.

Gibbs raised an eyebrow.

"I think I probably need to know, don't I," Tony said.

"Captain Blaine and a number of his officers have disappeared from their posts. They've all been listed as UA."

"Coming here?"

"Maybe."