Chapter 32

Tim felt himself waking up again and he didn't really want to. He wanted to stay asleep. He felt like he needed to sleep for a full week. Ducky had told him he needed to rest. Couldn't he just say that he was doing as he was told for once?

He lay there, trying to return to sleep when it hit him all at once.

Captain Blaine had almost killed him.

His eyes flew open and he sat up.

Far too quickly. He started feeling dizzy and his eyes closed once again, but before he could fall over, someone was right there. He assumed it was Ducky and he relaxed.

"Don't worry, Probie. I've got you."

He forced his eyes open again.

"Tony."

"Yeah."

He looked at Tony and he was still concerned by what he saw. Tony still didn't look right, but it wasn't quite as bad as it had been before.

"Are you okay?" Tim asked.

Tony laughed. "Come on, Tim. You're the one in a hospital bed. You don't get to ask that question."

"But I'm getting taken care of. Are you?"

Tony's eyes flicked away from him for a moment and then moved back.

"Some."

"Enough?"

"It's a start."

"Did I miss anything while I was sleeping?"

"I don't know. I was sleeping, too. I just woke up about five minutes ago." He looked at his watch. "It's morning."

"Oh."

Tim wasn't sure what to say. It seemed like the physical danger was over, but it didn't seem like things were over for Tony. And Tim just didn't know how to address that. He wanted to, but he didn't know what to do or say.

"Tony?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For saving my life," Tim said. "There's no way I was going to be able to fight them off, even if I'd been completely recovered. There were four of them. I knew there was nothing I could do on my own. Thank you for being there."

"You already thanked me for that."

"I know, but it doesn't seem like enough."

Tony smiled as if Tim had said something entertaining, but then, he looked serious again.

"Tim, what you did for me isn't something I can pay back."

"I don't expect you to," Tim said, in surprise. "That's not why I did it."

"Then, why?"

"Because you needed to be found. You said so. Someone needed to find you and I knew it would take more than just looking when we had time. It would take a lot more than that because if you were gone, it was for a serious reason. It would take time to find you and I had to give it."

"But you didn't have to. Other people were still looking."

"They were looking for a dead man," Tim said, shaking his head. "I was looking for a living one."

Tony looked uncomfortable.

"Tony... do you wish that I hadn't?" Tim was terrified of the answer to that question, but he had to ask it, especially with Tony not really acting like himself yet.

"No," Tony said, instantly. "That's not what I'm saying." He sighed and shook his head. "You have no idea how it felt to wake up every day and not know myself, to look in the mirror and realize that I didn't really recognize the person I saw. Every day, I hoped that I'd figure out who I was, even when I pretended that I didn't care. I said I needed to be found and I meant it. I just..." He laughed a little. "I wanted it to be like in the movies. You forget stuff and then suddenly, you remember it all and everything goes back to normal. The reset button gets pushed and no one ever worries about it again ...but it isn't like that."

He looked like he was going to say more but then he didn't. Tim thought for a moment and then decided to ask.

"So... what is it like, then?" he asked, tentatively.

Tony looked at him for a long moment and then seemed almost grateful for the question, as if Tim had done him a favor.

"It's like I'm tugged between being two different people. It's not like some kind of multiple personalities. It's that... I'd started thinking of myself as Joel Williams. At first, it was just because there were no other options coming to mind, but then, it was easier than trying and failing to remember who I really was. So now... now, I'm remembering, but I still have the feeling of being Joel instead of Tony. So even as I'm remembering other things, I don't know if I want to give up Joel."

"Well... Joel was kind of you anyway, you know," Tim said.

"What do you mean?" Tony asked.

"When you picked that name and decided on who you were, you weren't creating someone completely new. You were just picking parts of yourself. You decided to focus on your music and the fact that you can play the piano pretty well. I mean, I didn't see you out of the apartment because I never left it, but based on what you told me, it wasn't really a different person. You just played up certain aspects of yourself. You told me that the best undercover persona is one where you don't have to be a totally different person. ...unless you're going to be a criminal. But mostly, you just are yourself, only with different details."

Tony seemed surprised.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I said that?"

"Yeah."

Then, Tony looked like he was thinking deeply about what Tim had said... way more deeply than was required, really. He shouldn't need to consider it like this. It was what he had said.

"So... then, what would I be giving up?" Tony asked, finally.

"By being Tony or by being Joel?"

Tony smiled a little. "Yes."

"Well, I don't know what all you've been doing here," Tim said, hedging. He was afraid that he'd say the wrong things, that he'd mess this up royally because he wouldn't be able to come up with the right answers.

"I don't care. Tell me."

"Well... if you decided to be Tony, you'd be giving up L.A.," Tim said, knowing that wasn't what mattered.

"What else?" Tony asked, seeming extremely intent.

Was there a right answer? Or even worse, was there a wrong answer? Tim didn't know. He swallowed and tried again.

"You'd be giving up being here and being able to give all your attention to the piano since it wouldn't be your job anymore. If you made friends here... well, you wouldn't have to give them up, but you'd have to give up being around them a lot since you'd be back in D.C. But you could still be with them. ...and you'd have to give up being Joel Williams. You'd have to be Tony."

"What about if I decided to stay being Joel?" Tony asked.

Tim tried to tamp down on the feeling of failure that question brought out in him. If Tony decided to stay here, he felt it would be his own fault because he didn't find him soon enough.

"You'd be giving up D.C. and your job, and your friends and us, the people you work with. You'd be giving up your home. You'd be giving up everything you did in your life, every step."

"Why? You said I was mostly myself anyway."

"But you'd have to ignore it all if you were going to be Joel. Joel isn't the one who... who came over to my apartment when I thought I killed a police detective and tried to help me feel better. That was Tony. Joel isn't the one who went with me to Somalia to rescue Ziva. That was Tony. And you couldn't have all that if you were really going to be Joel. Because, Tony, you wouldn't be Joel if you had done all those things. You'd be Tony playing the role of Joel. And as much as you've driven me crazy over the years, I'd rather have Tony back than Joel. Joel isn't my friend. Tony is."

Tony looked surprised. Then, he suddenly stood up.

"I'll be back. I need to get some air."

"...uh...okay," Tim said. This made him worried, but he didn't dare say so. He just watched as Tony left.

Was this a good or bad development? Tim had no idea. He lay there, wondering what he'd said that was right or wrong.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony walked out of the room, feeling his mind in turmoil. He didn't know how to take what Tim had said. It had been so clear and straightforward about what he'd be giving up. And now, he was worried.

"Anthony?"

Tony whirled around.

"I don't know what to do, Ducky," he said. "I just... I know it should be obvious, but it's not. But it is. And..."

Ducky took him by the shoulders and, instead of saying anything, he turned Tony around and directed him to an empty room. Then, he pushed him down onto a chair.

"Anthony, breathe and calm yourself down."

But Tony wasn't interested in that.

"Dr. Snarr said that I need to focus on myself before I choose my life, but I can't do that! What if I take too long? What if I make the wrong choice? I even know that there shouldn't be a choice to make at all. Why should choosing between a made-up life and the real life be hard at all? It shouldn't be! But it is! And then... what Tim said about it and..."

"Anthony! Listen. Calm down," Ducky said. "Yes, you do need to focus on yourself, but you needn't panic about it. I promise that you have as much time as you need to decide. Don't put so much pressure on yourself."

"But there is!"

"No, there's not. Now, what did Timothy say that upset you so much?"

"Nothing. It's just..."

"Anthony. Calm down. Take a deep breath."

Tony did as he was told.

"Good. Now, talk it through. Instead of just reacting to it without thought, let yourself think about it and do so with words instead of only emotions."

"Okay. I decided I wanted to know what Tim thought I'd be giving up if I chose to be Joel or Tony."

"May I ask why?"

"Because he thought it was so important to find me. I wanted to know what he thought I needed to have."

"I see. Go on."

"And he really laid everything out. And everything he said about Tony was stuff I remembered and he said that, if I chose to be Joel, I'd have to give it all up because Joel wasn't the one who had done those things. Tony had. And suddenly, I just felt really... really bothered and I needed to get out."

"Why?"

Tony looked at his hands for a few seconds, at the calluses on the tips of his fingers from playing the piano so much, one of the most enduring signs of what his life had become.

"Ducky, for the last eight months, I've been wanting to know who I am, and when he said that I'd have to give up all this stuff I'm remembering now... I was afraid."

"Because you want to be Joel?"

"No... because I don't know what I want. But I do know that I don't want to give up knowing who I am."

"That's not a requirement, Anthony. Even if you did choose to give up the life you had before, forgetting it again is not necessary."

Tony looked up. "No, it is. Because I know... that I don't belong here. Knowing who I am means that I know where I'm supposed to be and it's not here."

"But you wish it was?" Ducky asked, gently.

"No. Not really. It's more that... that I keep thinking about it all and now that I'm around you guys... I'm remembering things. I know them without trying to get at them. So now, I know who I have to be, but at the same time, I still have to make a choice."

"And that scares you."

"Yeah. I just wanted everything to be easy."

"It's not. As I told Timothy, nothing is simple in this process and to expect everything to go back to normal without effort is too much to ask."

"I know," Tony said, with a sigh.

"Good. But might I make a suggestion?"

Tony smiled a little. "Another one?"

"Oh, yes. There is no end to my suggestions."

Tony laughed. "Okay. What?"

"You have been surrounded by the evidences of your old life for a long time. You should go back to the new life you were building and take some time to think about it."

"Gibbs told me to stay here."

Ducky smiled. "Well, then, I will tell him that I gave a recommendation otherwise, but I would ask that you allow one of the officers to take you over, just to be safe."

Tony smiled a little. "Okay."

"Good."

Ducky stood up and held out his hand, still smiling. Tony took it and allowed Ducky to haul him to his feet. Then, he walked out of the room and saw Langston back on duty.

"Hey, Langston, could you do me a favor?" Tony asked.

"What's up?"

"Could you take me back to Jack's?"

Langston's brow furrowed.

"Oh? Why?"

"Just need to go there... for a while."

Langston shrugged. "Sure. Come on."

Tony started to follow him and then looked back at Ducky who smiled encouragingly.

"Go on, lad."

"Okay."

Then, Tony walked away.