Chapter 34

Tony showered and changed his clothes, but then, he went back down to the bar, said good-bye to Jack and walked out to the police car where Langston was still waiting.

"Well?" he asked.

"Can you give me a ride one more time?" Tony asked.

Langston smiled. "Sure. Where to now?"

"Just back to the hospital."

"Can do."

"Thanks."

Tony got into the car and Langston started driving, but Tony noticed that he was getting some sidelong glances.

"So... can I ask?" Langston asked.

"Yeah."

"You're a cop."

"Yeah. Started out just as a regular detective. Moved around a lot. Then, got hired by NCIS," Tony said, staring out the windshield.

"Do you remember everything now?"

"I don't really know," Tony said. "I remember what I think about."

"That sounds a little weird, but I think I get what you're saying."

Tony smiled a little. "Good."

"So are you going back?"

"I have to."

"Well, technically, you don't," Langston said. "You haven't broken any laws, and you're a free citizen. You can do what you want... as long as it's legal."

"I know, but I still have to."

"Do you want to?"

"Depends on the second."

"Right this second?"

"Sort of."

"Well, I'll miss you at the bar, but you're doing the right thing. You deserve to get your life back. And if this isn't where you'd be if you had known who you were before, then, this isn't your life."

Tony hadn't ever really thought of it that way. Would he ever, in a million years, decide to come to L.A. to play in a dive bar? No. Never. This wasn't his life, not a life he ever would have chosen as Tony.

"Thanks, Langston," he said, softly.

The rest of the ride back to the hospital was silent.

When they arrived Tony took a deep breath and got out of the car. He walked into the hospital and back toward Tim's room. Gibbs was there, looking like he had taken up guard duty outside the room. That was totally like Gibbs. The danger was probably past. There were people they could trust on guard, but Gibbs would still be sitting there. Quietly, Tony walked over and sat down beside him.

For a few minutes, they were just sitting side by side without speaking. This felt amazingly normal.

Then...

"Boss?"

"Yeah?"

"Will I still have a job?"

"Yeah."

"I'll have to do something to go back it, won't I?"

"Yeah."

"But it's still possible?"

"Yeah."

Another period of silence, but Gibbs broke it this time.

"You're going to a shrink until you're ready."

Tony wanted to protest that, but he knew he needed it, so he said nothing.

"Something happened, DiNozzo. We're not letting it happen again."

"Okay."

Another pause.

"Glad you're coming back," Gibbs said.

"Thanks," Tony said. "When are we leaving?"

"Couple of days. I'm not leaving Tim here and the doc wants him to stay just to make sure that nothing happens with his head injury."

"Wouldn't want to leave without him," Tony said.

One more pause.

"It's gonna take time," Gibbs said.

"For what?"

"To feel normal. For people to act normal around you. For you to be able to act like yourself without wondering if you're doing it right. It all takes time. It can't happen quick. It won't happen quick. ...and it'll be better for everyone if you accept that and do it right."

"What's right?" Tony asked.

"You don't push it. You don't try to pretend it didn't happen."

"Like you did?" Tony asked, feeling a sudden surge of bitterness that took him by surprise. That had been a long time ago, but right at this moment, it felt very recent.

Gibbs must have noticed because he looked at Tony and raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Like I did. I tried to erase the time I was gone, pretend it never happened, and it hurt you and it hurt everyone. I just ignored it. Don't do that. Most of us could handle it even if we didn't like it, but Tim couldn't, not after everything he went through."

Tony looked away.

"And it wouldn't help you either."

Tony swallowed, took a breath and let it out.

"I thought it would be easier than this."

"It isn't. Can't be."

Which was basically what Ducky had said, too. And so had Jack. In fact, the only one who hadn't was Tim. Or had he, too? Regardless, Tony knew he was wrong in expecting it, but he wished he had been right.

"You feel like talking to anyone back in DC?" Gibbs asked.

"No."

"Can't avoid them forever."

"But I can avoid them right now. I'd rather wait until I can see them at least."

"Okay."

Tony took another breath.

"Do you know if Tim's awake now?"

"Might be. Ducky's with him."

"Okay." Tony stood up and then paused for a moment. "I really wish none of this had happened."

"So do I," Gibbs said.

Tony nodded and went into Tim's room again. Tim was awake this time and when he looked toward the door, Tony saw an expression of deep relief cross his face. Had no one told him where Tony had gone?

Then, that concern was laid to rest.

"Ah, welcome back, Anthony. You see, Timothy? I said he would be back once he finished his task."

Tim managed to look a little embarrassed, but he looked at Tony again.

"What were you doing?" he asked.

"Playing the piano and talking to Jack," Tony said. Then, he thought about whether or not he should just make it explicit for Tim. Yes, he should. "Had to tell him that he's going to need to find a new piano player."

Tim hesitated. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah. This isn't my life here, even if it is one I chose. I didn't choose it when I knew who I was. I wouldn't have done this if I hadn't forgotten." He swallowed hard as his throat tightened. "Tim... I would never have left you there. It was only... They were shooting and then... I didn't remember."

"I know."

"And, Tim, you wouldn't have left me the way I was if you could have done something."

Tim's eyes slid away from him.

"I'm serious, Tim," Tony said. "I know you did all this to find me and I'm glad you did, but you didn't have anything to make up for. You did everything you should have done. All that happened was that you tripped when I pushed you. If the railing hadn't been rusted, you would have been fine and we probably would have got away... or if we didn't, we would have both been found. This whole thing was just everything going wrong."

"As we all have been saying," Ducky interjected, gently. "No one was to blame... except for those who were trying to kill you, of course. We all need to set aside the past and focus on healing. We can't if we keep living in a single moment."

"When are we leaving?" Tim asked.

"When Dr. Bates lets you go," Tony said. "Not until then."

"Oh." Tim fidgeted for a moment. "When will that be?"

"Gibbs said it would be another day or two."

"Why so long?" Tim asked.

"Probably because he wants to be sure that you're not developing a slow bleed after your recent head injury," Ducky said. "And you still look more than a little strained. The more forced rest you get, the better you'll be..." he paused significantly. "...physically, at least."

Tim looked down at his lap. Whatever Ducky was referring to, Tim had got the message.

"But before we go, I'm going to play one last night at the bar, but I want you all to be there when I do. You need to see me perform just once," Tony said. This hadn't really been in his mind, but as soon as he said it, he knew it was right. He needed the representatives of his real life to be there, seeing him say farewell to his new life, the placeholder that he was giving up.

"That sounds like a delightful idea, Anthony," Ducky said. "In fact, I'll go and speak to Dr. Bates and see if he can give us a definite day for Timothy's release. That way your employer will be able to plan accordingly."

Ducky got up and left the room. Tony walked over and sat down by Tim who still seemed to feel a little awkward. Tony wasn't sure how to get around that. He knew what his old self would have done, but he also knew that it would be the wrong choice. After the last year, Tim had changed, as much or perhaps more than Tony had. Teasing wouldn't help in this instance.

Tony glanced at Tim who was studiously not looking at him. "Tim?"

"Yeah?" Tim asked, still not looking at him.

"Is there anything I can do to help you?"

That got Tim's attention and he looked at Tony as if he'd suddenly sprouted horns.

"What?"

"Can I help you in some way?"

Tim swallowed and he looked back down at his lap and shook his head.

"No. I just have to lie here in bed until the doctor lets me go. I'm not doing anything."

"That's not the kind of help I meant," Tony said.

"Then, what did you mean?"

"I mean... well, with all the stuff going on in your head right now."

Still no eye contact.

"What is it that you think you could do?" Tim asked.

"Well... given what I remember as being my usual track record, probably not much. But after everything you've gone through for me, I'd like to return the favor, even if I'd utterly fail at it. I just hate seeing you so beat down. You shouldn't ever feel that way."

"It'll pass," Tim whispered.

"When?" Tony asked. "I mean... it's been almost a year, hasn't it? When is it going to pass?"

"I don't know."

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to quit?"

That finally got Tim to look at him again.

"What?"

"Would you quit NCIS?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"Because... this whole thing was really bad for both of us. I'm afraid that you will."

"If I did?"

"I don't know if I could manage," Tony admitted. "Tim... I hate to say this, but going back scares me. Even though I know it. Even though it's where I belong. Even though I'm remembering this stuff. It still scares me, and what I really want is for everything to be as much like it was as possible. Just so that I can figure out how to fit in again. It's going to be a while before I'm back at work. Gibbs said I have to keep seeing a shrink. I'm going to have to recertify with a gun since it's been so long. I'm guessing I'll have to get a psych evaluation after all this. It'll be a while, but I figure it'll be a while for you, too. I just want to know that when I go back to my desk, you'll be at yours... so I won't have to figure out a new person as well as myself."

"It won't be like it was, Tony," Tim said, finally. "I want that, too, but things have changed. I've changed. It can't be like it was."

"I don't care. I've changed, too. I can't just go back to how I was. I've been living... a different life for close to a year. Those experiences don't just go away. But I can make it as easy as possible... and that means getting back to things as close to how they were as they can be. I know it won't be the same, Tim, but I need something."

Tim went back to staring at his lap. Slowly, he began to run his hands back and forth across the blanket.

"Are you sure it wasn't my fault that all this happened to us?"

"Positive. I remember that night, Tim. Now, I remember."

"I don't. I probably never will."

"I know. That's the worst thing. You don't remember. You wanted to get us out of there. You were worried about something going wrong. I was determined to find something and I pushed the limits of what I should have done. And I wouldn't let you do what I knew you were better at doing. Then, when they started shooting at us, I pushed you too fast out the window. You tripped because you were afraid of going out on the fire escape. I should have gone out first and dragged you out after me, but I was thinking that you needed to get out since it was probably my fault that they'd traced us there. I won't ever forget seeing you fall."

"You did, though," Tim said, still moving his hands back and forth on the blanket.

Tony forced himself to smile, even if Tim couldn't see it. "No, I didn't. I dreamed about it, nearly every night. Even when I didn't remember what was happening, I remembered seeing you fall. That was the worst thing about it. I won't ever forget that."

There was a long silence.

"I'm scared, too," Tim whispered, almost inaudibly.

Tony wondered if that was the first time Tim had ever actually admitted it.

"Of what?" he asked, keeping his voice soft and non-confrontational.

"I'm scared of ever being in that situation again. I'm scared of not really healing. I'm scared of how I feel all the time, like I'm always... failing. I'm scared that things will never be normal again."

Tony reached out and grabbed Tim's arm, stopping him from rubbing the blanket. He didn't resist.

"I'm scared of that, too, Tim," he said.

Tim looked up at him.

"So what do we do?"

Tony smiled. "We go back and do our best to make things normal... even if the normal has to be a little bit changed. What do you say?"

Tim looked a little teary, but he managed to smile as well.

"Okay."