Chapter 2: Striker's Depression and Blitzo's Plans
In Blitzo's apartment, Blitzo, Jake, Kaitlin, Moxxie, Millie, Loona, Riva, and Curly were listening to songs from A Muppet Christmas Carol, including the "Scrooge" song, while devising a plan as to how to approach Striker. Blitzo and Kaitlin each had their own drawings on how to deal with him.
"Alright, assholes, here's how we're going to do this shit," Blitzo announced, "We bring a few ghosts to haunt Striker for what he's done to poor Moxxie, Jake, and Kaitlin, so we know the real reason why he hates Christmas if he's not going to tell us."
"Kaitlin draws better than you, Blitzo," Moxxie quipped.
"Can it, Moxxie."
"Not to mention, him snapping at me and Jake reminded me of when he blamed Jake for something he didn't do," Kaitlin recalled, "And it pissed me off." (See Helluva Dad Vol 5: Mom)
"Me, too, Kaitlin."
"I tried letting it go, but now I just can't."
"I don't blame you, sweetheart."
"Come to think of it, I'm still mad about it, too," Jake remembered, crossing his arms.
"Not to mention, I was right when I said he was hard on Jake one time before we got captured by those stupid agents," Moxxie added. (See Helluva Dad Vol 10: Truth Seekers)
"That, too."
Kaitlin nodded. "Yeah, he totally ignored the fact that he hurt his own son's feelings like he always does. His behavior towards Jake reminds me of Blitzo's attitude towards you."
Hearing this made Blitzo feel ashamed, but knew where his friend was coming from. "I totally get it," Blitzo said.
"I'm considering divorcing that limp dick father and taking Jake into custody." To Jake, she added, "Jake, your dad is not as you know, love, or trust him."
"He's not?" asked Jake, who knew nothing about the other side of his father.
"He nearly choked me to death," Moxxie said.
"Like today?"
"He also threw me and Moxxie inside the cellar," Millie pointed out, "And my leg got stuck in a bear trap."
"He almost shot Stolas, who hosts the Harvest Moon Festival every year and nearly killed me and Mox."
"They're right, Jake," Kaitlin said, putting her hand on Jake's shoulder, "What we're trying to say is he is not what he seems and just because you see him as a good person doesn't mean he is a good person."
"And the same goes for Stolas…" Blitzo said, "Sometimes."
"Striker's going to get Grinch slapped big time," Kaitlin said with her hands on her hips.
"Don't you mean bitch slapped?"
"Just making a joke, Blitzo. He'd be Scrooged."
Blitzo laughed at her joke.
"Scrooge him."
"And he's going to cry his eyes out." The two imps glanced at their own drawings of Striker, breaking down in tears.
...
Striker sighed as he took out a small carton of ice cream from the freezer and a spoon from the silverware drawer. Once he had the items out, he went into the living room and sat on the couch, once again sighing in his depression. He turned on the TV to watch a cowboy drama soap.
Suddenly, the TV screen turned static.
"Fucking antenna," Striker grumbled.
Finally, the TV stopped the static and two characters appeared on screen.
"Hello, I'm Loopty Goopty," the thin figure said.
Striker tried changing the channel, but to no avail.
"And I'm Lyle Lipton," the chubby legless robot greeted.
"And we're employees of Wally Wackford," they said simultaneously.
Striker once again attempted to change the channel, which again backfired.
Loopty looked at the cowboy imp with concern. "What's wrong, sir? You look as if you've seen a ghost."
"Oh, you two look familiar," Striker finally said, setting down the remote. "Long time no see. How's it going working with Wally Wackford?"
Lyle put his hands on his hips as he grinned. "Very good."
"So, what the fuck do you want?"
"Blitzo sent us to see you." Loopty Goopty twirled his mustache.
"What else?"
The two replied in song form:
We're Lyle and Loopty,
Averious and greed.
Lyle Lipton:
We experimented on the poor!
Took advantage of the needy!
Both:
We specialized in causing pain,
Spreading fear and doubt.
Loopty Goopty:
And if our experiment went wrong,
We simply threw your body out.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
"Can you not do this in song form?" Striker curtly asked.
"There was the year experimented on those orphans," Lyle Lipton spoke.
"I remember the little tykes all bloodied up in our office!" Loopty Goopty recollected.
"With their little crimson-stained teddy bears!"
Both: DOH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!
We're Lyle and Loopty!
Our hearts were painted black!
Lyle Lipton:
We should have known our evil deeds would put us all in shackles.
Both:
Captive, bound, we're double-ironed,
Exhausted by the weight.
Loopty Goopty:
As freedom comes from giving love…
Lyle Lipton:
So, prison comes with hate.
Lyle Lipton and Loopty Goopty:
We're Lyle and Loopty! Whooooooa!
We're Lyle and Loopty! Whooooooa!
"But you never told me about your life on earth before you became greedy," Striker pointed out.
"True, but we came to love something else," Loopty told him.
"It was their desperation, of course," Lyle added.
Lyle Lipton and Loopty Goopty:
DOH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!
Doomed, Striker! You're doomed for all time.
Loopty Goopty:
Your future is a horror story, written by your crime.
Both:
Your chains are forged by what you say and do.
Boxes:
So, have your fun when life is done, a nightmare waits for you.
Striker was getting worried now. "Does that explain the chains? Because of your acts of greed?"
"Ooooooh, yes!" Lyle and Loopty chuckled.
"To avoid the chains, you will be haunted by three spirits at six," Loopty explained.
"You don't know... what I've been through... before I had my... first child...and my...new...wife!" Striker panted.
"If you don't visit them, you can't hope to avoid the chains we are in now," Lyle warned.
Lyle Lipton and Loopty Goopty:
We're Lyle and Loopty! Whooooooa!
We're Lyle and Loopty! Whooooooa!
We're Lyle and Loopty! Whooooooa!
Change!
Lyle and Loopty exited the TV, which shut off by itself.
…
Blitzo and Kaitlin smirked, knowing their plan so far was working.
"How did it go, Lyle and Loopty?" Blitzo asked.
"He had quite a scare, but at least he understood," Loopty replied.
"Hell, yes," Lyle agreed.
AN: Curly and Riva belong to JamieTheFandomGirl.
The song "Lyle and Loopty" is from A Muppet Christmas Carol.