Chapter Two
Pity is a very strange thing to feel for another person. When you pity someone, you don't feel as if you are above them, but you feel that the person that you are pitying is somewhat worse off than you are, even if you know that your experiences have been incredibly unfortunate in their own right. Pity is often given to people, for instance, who hide out in suspicious subway stations and have to borrow charcoal and old newspapers in order to continue writing the stories that they have vowed to keep researching for the rest of their lives. However, pity is even stranger than strange when someone is feeling pity for someone else who has been incredibly cruel and horrible to them. This being true, most people would probably not want to give very much pity to their local dentist. If you have read the other tales in the trials and tribulations, a phrase which here means "pain and suffering," in the Baudelaires' lives, then you are probably well aware that the Baudelaires have been on the receiving end of pity from practically every noble person they had ever met, and have been the bearers of pity to people who they had met during their travels whose lives have been as dismal and distraught as theirs, such as the Quagmires, whose father used to be a zookeeper, and the Snickets, whose father passed on his job at a sinister lumbermill to his youngest son right before his untimely death.
At this moment, however, only one Baudelaire had that familiar feeling of pity for others, while her two older siblings were busy getting a good night's sleep in a horrible situation, which was their most current feast in fear. Sunny was wide awake, and was still haunted with what she and her siblings had just discovered at the Hotel Denouement from multiple volunteers and villains. All that she and her siblings knew of it was that it involved their parents, poison darts, a long and dramatic play called La Forza del Destino, and Count Olaf. She was still a little unsure as to what the entire behind-the-scenes story was, but all the same, Sunny felt that there was more to Count Olaf than meets the eye, or rather, his eye, or eyes. Had I been on board that boat for the second time in my life, I would have picked up Sunny, sat her down on my lap, made sure Count Olaf could not have heard us, eaten my last granola bar with strawberry filling, and tried to talk some sense into her. Through her prism of experience, it would be expected that she would be a little more aware that Count Olaf was an evil villain who would stop at nothing to steal their fortune and the fortunes of many other allegedly innocent families, and would kill them and anyone who stood in his way once he succeeded in his goals. However, Sunny thought that there was something beneath all of Olaf's treachery and wickedness, and that it was possible to open that treasure chest deep inside of him.
This is, of course, pure baloney, a phrase which means "complete nonsense," rather than "a fresh Italian deli meat that has been hand-picked to perfection." As you and I both know, Count Olaf is a horrible villain who has committed murder, arson, murderous arson, and arsonous murder. Sunny, of course, was at an age when a person tends to be somewhat naive, a word which here means "simple-minded," but her mind was set on spying on Count Olaf to pick up any signs of nobility in his mind, whether he liked it or not.
"Bond," Sunny said to herself, a word which here means "I need to be quiet if I am going to spy on Count Olaf," even though there was no one listening nearby.
Sunny approached the Count's cot and peeked through the window of the cabin door. As she very well knew, eavesdropping is a very impolite thing to do, but if used appropriately, such as the way Violet had eavesdropped on Count Olaf, Mr. Poe, and a hook-handed person at Uncle Monty's home, then eavesdropping can be considered a somewhat acceptable thing. For at this point, Sunny was eavesdropping on Count Olaf in the simple hope of exposing his nobility where no one else could see it, but all she could see was Count Olaf crying.
"It's not fair!" weeped the count. "It's just not fair!"
The villainous man was weeping into his cold, unkempt, and filthy hands. His eyes were red and swelling, and his eyebrow was sopping wet with tears and sweat. For Sunny to see such a horrendous display was an incredibly horrible sight for any volunteer to ever see, which I am semi-horrified and semi-glad to say is a sight that no other volunteer before or after her had ever seen of any villainous person.
With his hands shaking as fiercely as if he was in the middle of an earthquake, Count Olaf picked up a picture of two people whom I never had the acquaintance of meeting personally, but had known by reputation, a phrase which here means "well aware of the villainous things these two had committed during their lives." The count was talking to the people as if they were still alive and kicking, and not, as the expression goes, dead as a doornail.
"Oh, how I wish I could leap back to that day," the count sobbed. "I would leap like no man has ever leapt before, to stop those ridiculous volunteers before it was too late! Oh, I'd rather do that then have the sugar bowl! Why did I have to suffer like this? My God, I'm starting to sound just like the orphans! Ha! If I keep this up, I might turn into one of them! Ha!"
Although Sunny was hearing Count Olaf saying "Ha!" like he was doing before, he was crying it with much less enthusiasm in his voice, as if he was not as into his villainous laugh as was assumably presumed of him. It is possible, of course, for fads, a word which here means "things that are popular for a short amount of time," to fade out, but Count Olaf was a horrid and despicable villain. He threatened the Baudelaire orphans with a long and sharp knife, he threw Aunt Josephine to the Lachrymose Leeches, he helped hypnotize Klaus with the assistance of an ophthalmologist who did not used to be an ophthalmologist but was in fact a former waitress who had been tricked into letting a volunteer into a café so they could retrieve a certain sweetly-covered secret, he kidnapped the Baudelaires' best friends, he used a monocle to fool a guardian of theirs, he set up the orphans with murder, he burned down a hospital, he kidnapped Sunny, he threatened them with a bread knife, he commandeered a suspicious submarine, and he had adopted a villainous laugh. All of these things he committed were done once, and then the count gave it up in pursuit of things that drew his attention. But crying over it is a completely different story. I have never really bothered to find out anything about the history of Count Olaf beyond what I know, but I know that even a villainous person needs to have a good cry, even if their crying is simulated in order to trick a few volunteers into feeling sympathetic for them. However, at this point, all Sunny could do was spy on this horrible villain.
"I guess what they say is right. Perhaps I am a bit too… wait a minute. What am I saying?" Olaf recovered with more enthusiasm. "Let's list all of the good things I've done. I… um, provided shelter for a group of feckless ingrates. I was able to avoid persecution for deeds beyond my control by securing a secret document that people have died for. Hmm, maybe I'm much more noble than I thought! Although I suppose I was wrong to…"
But Sunny didn't hear what Count Olaf was wrong to do, which happened to be one in hundreds of wicked acts that the count had neglected to mention. For at that moment, Sunny's hand accidentally nudged the door, which made it open just very slightly. And of course, any door that has not been oiled by the proper carpenter tends to creak, and a creaking sound from a door that has not been oiled by the proper carpenter is just the thing that can cut off a villain and make him stare at a young little infant who was spying on him from the other side of the door.
"You!" the count snarled, quickly throwing the picture away and wiping his eyes. "What are you still doing up, little orphan? You're supposed to be sleeping with your pathetic siblings until I come to shake you awake!"
"Why cry?" Sunny asked, although I suppose it could have been a demand, for she was asking the villain with a certain strength in her voice.
Count Olaf wasn't expecting Sunny to ask him anything, and so his shiny, shiny eyes briefly started to water again. But he quickly realized what he was doing, dabbed his eyes, and continued to growl at her. "Because I was just cutting an onion to make some curry! And every Tom, Dick, and Harry will tell you that cutting onions makes you cry!"
The phrase "every Tom, Dick, and Harry" is a curious one, especially when it is used metaphorically. Although the phrase refers to every one of them, I recall from a time long ago when there was one set of triplets named Tom, Dick, and Harry, and some time after the schism had taken place, all three of them died, but Dick was the only one who had triplets of his own who he left behind. But used metaphorically, the phrase "every Tom, Dick, and Harry" means something along the lines of "a way of referring to ordinary people in general." Of course, it is very rare to find an ordinary person in such a strange and confusing world, which is why the phrase "every Tom, Dick, and Harry" is not a very common one.
"Liar," retorted Sunny, in a voice braver than I would have confronted Count Olaf with.
"Don't call me a liar!" Olaf leaned in to Sunny and started to speak in her ear. "Listen to me, you little brat! Let me tell you something that you should remember for the rest of your pathetic little life!" whispered the count in an incredibly hoarse voice. "You cannot rely on anyone in the world! Anyone! Oh, sure, you could try to trust your siblings! But when it comes down to the end, then they won't stay with you! I used to think that my siblings were there for me, but as it turned out, they betrayed me in the end! Ever since I became an orphan like you two, I've set my mind on becoming an individual practioneer. Oh, sure, sometimes I foolishly trusted my associates, but I never really cared what they said or did. The only reason I trusted that foolish fashionable woman was so that I could avoid capture! Do you think I cared when those two powdery women asked me where their sibling was? Do you think I cared to tell them that their ridiculous shape of a sibling died in the fire, rather than abandoning us when we were at the hospital? You can't care about anything but yourself in this world except yourself! And don't think anything different!"
There is a famous saying that goes "The advice of an enemy is not to be trusted," which is derived from one of the morals taken from one of the fables of an infamous Greek poet. Obviously, its meaning is that if an enemy offers you advice, never trust their word for anything. Count Olaf is not typically the sort of person who it would be wise to get advice from, and Sunny was not dumb enough to even think in the slightest about taking advice from her foul-smelling foe. She knew that it is rather important in the world to trust others, although this cannot be true for every situation. At the Hotel Denouement, Sunny and her two siblings were unable to trust a great many people, from an obnoxious boss who had unknowingly partnered himself with a volunteer way, way back, to two unfathomable managers who had acted so ambiguously, a phrase which here means "double-meaningly." Like I have experienced multiple times, it is often unpleasant to be distrusted by other volunteers who are not very sure of your true identity, when you are really speaking to them in code the entire time without them realizing it.
Sunny, right now, did not trust Count Olaf at all. She could trust her siblings to look after her, like they trusted her too. When she was trapped inside a cage in the tower of Count Olaf's old and dingy home, Violet had been able to get her down, and get them out of the count's clutches in the process. When the Baudelaires were trapped at the bottom of a dark, dank elevator, Violet and Klaus had trusted Sunny to climb up the soft stone all the way to the top, where she had been able to bring a few items back for them that came in handy much later. When Sunny had been trapped on the top of Mortmain Mountains with Count Olaf and two other associates whom he had been close acquaintances with since he was born, her siblings had rescued her and together, they escaped down a toboggan that was worn away from the last time it was used by three siblings who escaped in the same way as them. Now, more than ever, Sunny knew it was important to trust her siblings, if they were going to be able to locate the underwater catalog, prove their innocence, have Count Olaf taken away for the rest of his life, and, most importantly, find a safe place for them to finally end their perpetual cycle of misfortune at last.
Sunny stared into Count Olaf's eyes, which were shining bright, and Count Olaf stared into Sunny's eyes, which seemed to have just a little bit of shine in them from the reflection of Count Olaf's eyes. For one second, the two of them felt some sort of a mutual agreement to their situations. Everyone in the world has experienced a tiny bit of misfortune in their lives, and for one instant, everything between the infant volunteer and the ill-mannered villain became clear to one another. But then Olaf regained his senses and his face turned back to one of pure loathing.
"Now, let's go, orphan. You need to get your rest and so do I. Let's walk back to your bunk," said the count without raising his voice in the slightest.
"Uno momento," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of "Just a minute."
"Argh! What now, orphan?" asked the count, his voice rising with every syllable.
"Tell Forza del Destino," Sunny stated flat-out, a word which here means "bluntly."
Count Olaf picked up Sunny so that his arm was within range of her head, but instead of yelling at her or hitting her, the count bit his tongue— not really, of course –and led her down the hall towards her bunk on the other side of the boat.
"You know, orphan," said the count, as they walked, "you and I are not all that different. Look at us. I committed murder, and so have you. I burned things down, and so have you. I disguised myself up to avoid capture, and so have you. I let down the hopes of many volunteers who thought I could amount myself to something noble, and so have you. You would be surprised how many hypocrites you will find in the world."
The word "hypocrite" is a word which means "someone who does certain things that they have told you not to do themselves." It is most confusing to understand why somebody calls someone else a hypocrite, especially if the people telling you so are villains and arsonists. For instance, if an employer of yours at a center dealing with rhetorical advice tells you not to fight fire with fire, but then ends up trying to create his own little explosion simply because of the tiny piece of wickedness in his heart, then he can be called a hypocrite. But to hear a horrible and disgusting villain use the term "hypocrite" to describe each and every noble person in the entire world just is so hypocritical for Count Olaf to say, hypocritically, of course.
"Riddick," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of "That is absolutely ridiculous, Olaf."
"You know, orphan, it is so hard to answer you when you don't speak in a way that I understand," Olaf said.
"Ridiculous," Sunny corrected.
"That's better," replied the count. "Now, to reply to your ridiculous reply to my suggestions, it is not ridiculous. Can't you believe what I am saying?"
"Lol," Sunny said, meaning something like "If you weren't such a despicable villain, then I would laugh out loud at you."
"Oh, shut up, orphan!" Olaf groaned. "You know, if I was not really such a vengeful person, I would have never kept you alive!"
"Venge?" Sunny asked incredulously, which meant something along the lines of "You have been chasing after us for revenge?"
Olaf immediately clasped his hand over his mouth, as if to prevent any more revealing secrets from escaping from it, like three triplets escaping from a swarm of eagles led by a villainous man and his scientific sister. He put down Sunny and said, "You know what? Nothing matters anymore. And in a few short hours, when Thursday arrives, I will have my plan put into action at last! And by the time the day is done, there will be no more volunteers left on earth! Ha!"
Olaf regained his old spark, a phrase which here means "reverted back to his villainous laugh," and barked, "Walk back to your room, baby! And if I catch you sneaking around my ship again, then I am not going to be so generous!"
The count turned around and walked back to his cabin, but not before Sunny spotted his eyes starting to tear yet again. She walked back to her cabin and started to wonder what Count Olaf was talking about.
"Trauma," Sunny thought to herself, meaning something like "Count Olaf has a few emotional problems of his own, I guess."
"Who's there?" someone asked.
"Olaf?" Sunny asked back, wondering who in the world it could be.
"Of course not. Friend or foe?" asked the figure.
Sunny paused and thought. The last time she had heard someone ask the question "Friend or foe?" she was about to board a submarine piloted by a strange-speaking volunteer. Of course, Sunny found it ridiculous to believe that this figure was indeed Captain Widdershins, as he was dead, but instead walked a little closer to get a better view of this figure. He was a short, chubby man with a round red face, but this round red face was concealed by a black mask that was covering his entire face, and he was wearing a hat which is very frequently designated as a bowler hat. He was holding a notepad in one hand, and a pencil in the other. He saw Sunny through the eyeholes in his mask, and smiled –or at least, that's what it looked like through the material– at the youngest Baudelaire, and started to speak again.
"Sunny Baudelaire, is it? Well, it is so nice to see you again. Please do not be alarmed. I am a fellow volunteer," he explained.
Sunny looked at the man a little uneasily, for she knew that just because someone says something does not make it true. For instance, when someone tells you that they are a sibling of an associate of yours, you might not be inclined to believe it at first. Only when they present you with actual evidence can you actually believe what they are saying, like when they present you with several books that deal with large bodies of water that you left secret notes in for their sibling, who in turn, passed it to her. Sunny could not really trust what this man said, so she continued to listen, but she remained cautious.
"Are you familiar with the author John Godfrey Saxe?" he asked.
Sunny gasped in surprise. The man, of course, was quoting one of many great American poets whose stories the Baudelaires' father had constantly read aloud to them, and the last time they heard of it was early that morning, when a strange taxi driver had made a distinct reference to the work of Mr. Saxe, but Sunny and her siblings did not know whether they had made the right decision by leaving him or not. Now, there was another man who was trying to get Sunny to trust her.
"I don't suppose you trust me very much, Sunny," said the masked man, who was looking very worried about something. "That is quite understandable. I remember the look on your face as I saw you departing the house on Lousy Lane. I wish I could have been of more help to you and your siblings, but certain circumstances have forced me to remain in hiding, for there are those who think me dead, and would like me to stay that way. And I can assure you that I am a volunteer. Would any villain be so kind and understanding of your situation? I know you did not trust either of the Squalors when you stayed with them on Dark Avenue. They never seemed to care, even though you just found out that Jerome was a volunteer. Would any villainous or ignoble person care about you? Would any villainous or noble person be in contact with others who have been so very concerned with your situation?"
"No," Sunny said truthfully, as she finally walked closer to the volunteer and hugged him. She and her siblings had thought that every noble person in the world would fail them, but for some reason, she felt comfortable and warm around this man, as if he was her guardian or relative.
"Now, come with me, Sunny," said the volunteer abruptly, a word which here means "right after they hugged." "There is something I would like to show you."
He motioned for Sunny to follow her, and she did so. As they walked through the ship, Sunny started to wonder how in the world this man was able to sneak aboard this vessel without Count Olaf finding out about it. However, when she emerged from the cabin area and followed the man to the mast, her question was immediately answered.
Tied to the mast was a rope that led down to a sailboat. Not a large one, but a small one, just big enough to hold two volunteers. Sunny not only saw the sailboat, but she spotted a woman sitting in it, wearing something that the Baudelaires knew were Vision Furthering Devices. Normally, such a pair of glasses might have concealed the identity of the person who was wearing them, and this was one of those cases. Sunny could not see any of the woman's facial features behind the mask. She noticed that the woman was very pale, and her white hair was piled high on top of her head in a bun. Sunny thought that something was familiar about this woman, but she could not seem to think of a time that she had ever met this woman before.
"Come on, then! It's almost sunrise, and we must be quick!" the woman yelled to the man. She then spotted Sunny and gave her a small smile. "Why, hello, Sunny! I remember you as a much smaller child, and look how you've grown!"
"Do we know each other?" Sunny asked.
"Oh, and you can speak too! That is marvelous! I always said you were a bright child! You may not have gathered that, but I did!" the woman explained, as she threw up a rope ladder that was caught by the man.
"We'll have plenty of time for chit-chat later, but right now we need to locate our associate! We'll have to rendezvous with Sunny and her siblings sometime later today!" the man said as he prepared to climb down.
"Rendezvous?" Sunny asked, referring to a word which means "convene at a different time in the same place."
"Yes!" the man cried over the rushing winds. "We would not dream of separating you from your siblings, so we will somehow find you three later in the day! More than likely, you can find us at an underwater catalog belonging to an associate of ours!"
"By the way," the woman cried, "where is he?"
"Dead!" Sunny shrieked.
The man and woman turned to each other in surprise. They were not expecting Sunny to say that. The man turned to Sunny and said, "When did this happen?"
"Hotel before!" Sunny yelled back.
The woman said, "Then we will need to change our plans! Unless, of course…"
"WHO'S ABOARD MY SHIP!" cried a voice that all three volunteers knew too well. The screaming and yelling of the volunteers over the roaring of the sea had woken Count Olaf up, apparently. The man and woman nearly froze in horror, but their instinct kicked in and the man jumped down the ladder, unhooking it as he dropped.
Sunny, meanwhile, hid herself underneath a bench on the side of the boat. She slid under it as the count arrived on the dismal deck. He was absolutely furious, and his eyes were shining so brightly that Sunny could have used the scientific principles of the convergence and refraction of light to have Count Olaf's eyes fry an egg. His eyebrow was at its highest peak, and nothing else in the world could smell as horrible as Count Olaf's breath as he yelled out at nothing in particular.
"WHO'S THERE? ANOTHER DAMN VOLUNTEER? WELL, KNOW THIS: I WILL FIND YOU, AND WHEN I DO, I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU UNTIL YOU TAKE ME TO THAT GODFORSAKEN 'LAST SAFE PLACE'!" the count screamed with so much fury and spit, it was a wonder that he could still breath after it. Only Sunny saw Count Olaf cry as he spat out the last three words. He screamed a few more dirty words and then walked to the edge of the ship. Sunny realized that the man and woman had been in that general direction near the boat.
"Ni!" Sunny thought, which meant something along the lines of "He'll torture those two volunteers beyond belief!"
"AHA!" the Count cried triumphantly. For a moment, Sunny thought that he had spotted the two volunteers, but instead he had found her hiding spot. For a moment, Olaf looked as furious as ever, but all of a sudden he immediately composed himself, a phrase which here means "pulled himself together," and picked up Sunny like a bologna loaf, walking her back to her bunk.
"Let me go!" Sunny cried vigorously, struggling to escape the clutches of this vile villain.
Olaf merely started yelling at the youngest Baudelaire yet again. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" he cried in frustration. "You're lucky I haven't thrown you out into the sea yet! You should be thanking me that I have spared you for so long! I can't tell you how large the urge was for me to just slaughter you right then and there when I first saw you and your siblings right there on my doorstep when that ridiculous banker dropped you off! I'll never forget that day! I had just finished putting the finishing touches on my prized lion head when I heard the doorbell ring! I hardly thought twice about who was at the door. But never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams did I think I would come across you three! Right then, I just wanted to kill you! But I played it cool, and I always tricked you into believing my phony disguises!"
Olaf rang the bell for no apparent reason, and then continued to bring Sunny down to her room. He wrenched open the door, and saw Violet and Klaus sleeping soundly on their beds. Sunny was afraid that Olaf would make a lot of noise and wake up her siblings on purpose so they would not be very well-rested for their long ocean voyage. Instead, the count picked up the intimidated infant and placed her in a crib with eyes carved into the bars, although I have since learned that these eyes were there for more than just decoration. The villain even tucked Sunny in, which is an unusual thing for a villain to do, unless he is posing as a babysitter, which this specific villain has attemped twice.
As the count walked out of the room, Sunny looked at him and called, "Thank you," to which Olaf merely gave a mocking sound.
The second he left the room, Violet and Klaus immediately awoke, spooking Sunny for one brief moment. The two older siblings, apparently, had stayed up doing something while Sunny was out. They walked over to Sunny's crib, and all three siblings smiled at one another.
"Oh, Sunny, we're so glad you're okay," Violet said, giving her sister a hug.
"We thought Count Olaf was doing something horrible to you," Klaus remarked, kissing his sister on the forehead.
"Expound later," Sunny said, telling her siblings to wait until she had composed herself in order to explain.
She embraced both of her siblings, and they embraced her back. Then Violet and Klaus walked back to their beds and slept. Sunny, however, was still thinking about everything Count Olaf had done to her, and about the two mysterious figures who she had met. She was toying with the notion, a phrase which here means "entertaining the idea," that perhaps there was an underlying reason for all of Count Olaf's wickedness and treachery.
There are two morals that go hand in hand with each other that might seem appropriate to fit in at this moment in the proceedings. They are "Revenge is a two-edged sword" and "Misfortunes we bring upon ourselves are doubly bitter." Sometimes people might use phrases from these two morals in order to communicate messages dealing with a liquid that is boiled and served hot. But they each have their own separate meaning, despite them being so similar.
"Revenge is a two-edged sword" means that every revenge has two sides to it: a good reason for doing it, and a reason for not doing it. For instance, if someone spilled sugar on your best coat, you would want to get revenge because the sugar could compromise your disguise and would expose you, but your associate, who is more trained in things like that, tells you that if you do, you will risk the exposition of many other volunteers. As you can very well imagine, real two-edged swords are nothing like revenge.
"Misfortunes we bring upon ourselves are doubly bitter" means that it is bad enough to have unfortunate events thrust upon you, but it is far worse if you are the cause of all of your unfortunate events. For instance, it is far worse to cause yourself to be captured by your foes than to have your foes do the exposing. Not very many people take such risks, but they do happen.
At this moment, Sunny was pondering all of the vengeance and misfortune that Count Olaf had probably gone through, and thought that perhaps he was not as evil as they thought. But how to expose this Sunny had no idea of. And all throughout the night, Sunny kept wondering and wondering, and as the first rays of the morning sun arose, that was when the youngest Baudelaire came up with the conclusion that everyone in the world receives a little pity, despite the sin. And she would see to it, despite the almost-warnings of two close associates, that by the end of the day, which was Thursday, Sunny Baudelaire would finally get Count Olaf to become a noble person yet again.
CONTEST: I have decided to add a contest in which the prize is to have your username referenced in one of the next chapters. All you have to do is list the two movie references and the coded message I have hidden in this chapter, and the first one I get will be the winner. Good hunting!