Chapter 3
People will often tell you that time flies when you are having fun. They say that in the most unfortunate of situations, everything takes longer to wait for. This is not very true. Occasionally in horrible situations, you will feel that time is ticking too fast for you to do anything, and that you sincerely wish that you could take the clock and wind it back to the very beginning of your series of unfortunate events so you can stop it before it happens again. What happens, sadly, happens, and there is nothing we can do about it, which is why, even when you are in the most perilous of situations, time tends to fly by so quickly, we start to get a bit scared of our clocks.
The sad thing about this dark day was that time was not on its side. I regret to say that as time flew by, and the Baudelaire orphans arose from their beds, they realized it was the day they had been waiting for since they discovered of its significance only five days prior. It was Thursday, when the supposed meeting of the volunteers that the orphans had hoped would take place. Yesterday, however, they had been instructed to send a signal to cancel this important meeting, which Sunny chose to do by suggesting to burn down the hotel. Now the Baudelaires had another feeling about this Thursday: that it would turn out to be the day that Count Olaf succeeded in his ignoble quest to crumble the organization known as VFD and rid the world of every volunteer. As it was, the orphans themselves felt like volunteers, and once again returned to that state of mind that they had felt back at the Count's home, which had once been connected to a very fancy apartment complex, that once Count Olaf had succeeded in his horrid goal, he would no longer require the Baudelaires alive, for if he was successful, it would be all too easy for him to steal the Baudelaire fortune himself. As the three Baudelaires looked at the sunrise, they wondered about whether this day would turn out to be short and sweet, a phrase which here means "a short day that would go by quickly," or an interminable one, a phrase which here means "a day that would never end."
"It's Thursday," Violet said to either herself or her siblings.
"Will today be short and sweet, or interminable?" Klaus asked to either himself of his siblings.
"Carpdie?" Sunny murmured to either herself of her siblings, which meant something along the lines of "Will we seize the day, or will the day seize us?"
"Well, we had better sit here and talk until we get to wherever we're going," Klaus said, this time definitely to his siblings. "We might as well hear from Sunny what happened last night."
"Okay," Sunny replied.
"What happened first, Sunny?" Violet asked.
"First Olaf talked to himself," Sunny explained. "He saw me."
"What did he do to you?" Klaus asked, his brow perspiring with sweat from the heat of the sun through the porthole. "Did he hurt you?"
"No hit. Controlled himself," Sunny reassured her brother. "Tried saying no trust."
"He gave you advice?" Violet asked incredulously, a word which here means "she could not believe that Count Olaf was trying to give Sunny advice, good or bad." "I hope you didn't actually agree with him, Sunny."
Sunny gave her sister an obvious look that told Violet that it was ridiculous to even suggest such a ridiculous thing. "Crying over people about force," Sunny continued.
Klaus paused for a second, as he let this piece of information sink in. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever throughout his unfortunate life had he ever think he would hear that Count Olaf was actually crying. He said quietly, "He was crying for his parents."
"Like we have been doing," Violet said, equally quietly.
"Marmos," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of "We're all like lost little pets."
If you have ever lost a pet in your life, then you know how upsetting it is. Your heart fills with pity and grief, and you put up posters offering a reward for your pet's safe return. Eventually, someone finds your pet and you pay the reward, but if a villain had kept your pet until a reward was offered, there is a large chance that they will demand more, like the persistent little mouse in the children's story If You Give a Mouse a Cookie…, where the mouse insists on having so many things, and eventually the repetition of the "if-then" sentences becomes too tedious, and you throw it away in search of a book that has a diversity of sentences within its pages. However, if you know someone who has passed away, leaving their beloved pets behind, then you could somehow faintly imagine how the pets felt behind their hairy bodies, and know that they felt lost and alone, without their guardian taking care of them. The Baudelaire orphans were not pets, and neither are they now, but like them, pets tend to find another owner and remain with them somewhere quiet and remote. They, like other orphans who I have known who lost their parents in a fire, cried for the loss of their parents, as if the only thing that they ever got by on was the gentle touch of a parent's hand to their face.
"Do you think that we're exactly like Count Olaf?" Klaus asked with certain unhappiness in his voice.
"I don't know," Violet said. "It's difficult to say. I want to believe that we're nobler than Count Olaf, but I just can't think of how."
"Dead end," Sunny mentioned gloomily.
"But we want to be noble! That's the difference between us!" Klaus burst out in utter frustration.
"How do we know Count Olaf doesn't want to be?" Violet asked quietly.
"True noble," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of "There are truly noble people in the world."
"Like who?" Klaus asked.
Sunny then hesitated, which would have not been very acceptable had she done just that a few days ago while she was on a submarine piloted by the husband of an allegedly dead duchess. She was unsure whether she should tell her siblings of the mysterious volunteers she saw during the night or not. But then she remembered that conversation with Count Olaf about trust they spoke of last night, and Sunny felt this was a time she could trust her siblings with another secret.
"Two volunteers came aboard," Sunny said.
Violet and Klaus were surprised at this bit of information, and they were hoping more than anything that perhaps this might be a sign of something good. Violet replied, "Do you know who they were?"
Sunny frowned for one second, as she was somewhat unsure of who the people really were. But then, she saw Klaus's commonplace book lying on the table, and instantly got an idea that she thought would be on the right track, when it was only later that she found out her assumption was wrong.
She walked over to the commonplace book and flipped to a page that was easy for her to turn to, as all three Baudelaires had looked at that same page so many times. It was a picture of their parents, along with two associates of theirs. A sentence below it stated "Because of the evidence discussed on page nine, experts now suspect that there may in fact be one survivor of the fire, but the survivor's whereabouts are unknown." This, however, was not the reason she opened the commonplace book to that page. One of the people in the photograph was not facing the camera, but was instead looking away, the children could not see his face, only one of his hands, which was clutching a notebook and pen, as if the obscured man were a writer of some sort. Sunny remembered the man who she had talked to the previous night, and was starting to wonder if perhaps that this man was that same man, who the Baudelaires had believed to possibly be the third Snicket sibling.
"Possible this man," Sunny said, showing the picture to her siblings and pointing to the mysterious man.
Klaus suddenly realized something, and turned to another page in his commonplace book. He explained, "I think that this scrap of paper might help. Seeing that man next to Jacques Snicket reminded me of this couplet that Isadora wrote: 'In photographs, and in each public place, Snicket rarely shows his face.'"
"I remember that," Violet said, reminiscing, a word which here means "remembering misfortunes past at a morbid medical facility." "But I'm still concerned as to what today is going to bring. After all, it is Thursday. I'm just worried that Count Olaf can succeed today."
"What if he does?" Klaus asked. "What will he do if he does?"
"Will he even do?" asked Sunny.
Violet looked at Sunny curiously and asked, "What would make you even think about that possibility, Sunny?"
Sunny looked at both of her siblings and said, "Chase for revenge."
Both of her siblings looked at her in disbelief. "What revenge?" Violet asked. "He's only after us for our fortune."
Klaus had a sudden realization, and said "Sunny might be right. Why us? Why our fortune? After all, he doesn't have time to steal from everyone and carry out the rest of his nefarious plans."
"Dubbush," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of "There are many evils still out there that we know nothing of yet."
A famous ancient Greek poet that was occasionally called A, as was a man who I once foolishly trusted to carry a bowl containing the substance glucose and a peculiar piece of parchment, once said "In avoiding one evil, care must be taken not to fall into another." As this sentence implies, there are many evils in the world. So many, in fact, that it is a surprise that there are still noble people in the world who have not stumbled into a well of evil yet. I would love more than anything to say that I and my associates have not fallen into one of these bottomless wells of evil yet, but there have been a few wicked acts done by volunteers that I have regretted ever since I assisted in smuggling a dangerous weapon into a theater for a purpose that was truly noble, but, as I now know, the Baudelaire children had much better aim than their parents, an example of which you can find in chapter twelve.
These evils, I regret to say, are hard to stop, and just like in the curious incident of the volunteers in the nighttime, sometimes can be caused by pure accidents. But when there are wells of evil everywhere, with evil people filling these wells, then no one believes it to be an accident. Accidents happen, of course, but accidentally, these accidents might be believed to be not as accidental as they thought, sometimes accidentally.
"Sunny, did you get a good look at the two volunteers who came aboard?" Violet asked, wondering if perhaps this sudden appearance meant something important, or whether it was a possible red herring, a phrase which here means "something used to throw others off in order to make them think something different than what is really going on, especially when volunteers and villains alike tried to keep the truth from me of the brother of a woman I loved dearly, and the woman herself."
"No," Sunny said. "Man had chubby face, and woman had hair bun."
"Hmm…" Klaus thought, thinking a word that is normally used whenever people are trying to think. "I'm trying to think," he said aloud, "but my mind just keeps drawing blanks."
"Look," Sunny said, pointing out the window, completely shocked.
Both of her siblings looked out the window, and what they saw was so amazingly amazing, it could only take backwards writing to explain it to you without having me read the letters in order, so I cannot cry and not finish the story.
ehT erialeduaB snahpro was egral sduolc fo ekoms, hcihw dluoc ylno evah neeb morf eht erif taht yeht detrats ta eht letoH tnemeuoneD, a ecalp erehw a suoicipsus rohtua nwonk sa B dna na yllauq suoicipsus erotca nwonk sa T dah detisiv ni redro ot pleh tsissa na noitazinagro ni gnidnif tuo yltcaxe nehw ekuD ocraM saw eud ot evirra ta eht letoh. teloiV, sualK, dna ynnuS erew llits dellif htiw feirg taht tsom fo eht etanutrofnu sgniht taht deneppah ta eht letoh eht suoiverp yad erew rieht stluaf.
"I still cannot believe that we helped Count Olaf yet again," Violet sighed in exasperation, a word which here means "the state of being tired." "He's our enemy, and we helped him burn down the hotel. In fact, we needed to burn down the hotel."
"I just hope Kit and the Quagmires got the message. There's always the chance they got into more trouble, just like us," Klaus said, equally exasperated.
"Don't worry," Sunny said, not quite as exasperated as her two siblings. "Should be fine."
"What if they're not?" Klaus asked, just a little exasperated. "I feel so guilty. The Quagmires are out there, fighting for their lives, while we are sitting here in a boat in the middle of the ocean."
"Maybe we'll be able to find them," Violet said, only a tiny bit exasperated.
"Will they still be friends?" Sunny asked, not at all exasperated.
"You have a point, Sunny," Violet answered. "The Quagmires seemed so noble, and we are not exactly as noble as them."
"You're right, too, Violet," Klaus said. "We broke out of jail, stole keys in order to break into a hospital library, helped set fire to a carnival, killed a man, and started another fire that burned down the last safe place."
"It was dreadful, but necessary," Sunny said solemnly.
Hundreds of years ago, in the beautiful country of France, the people were facing much danger. A dreadful man named Maximilien Robespierre felt that in order for France to be brought back to its former glory, drastic steps had to be taken. He used a device called the guillotine to chop off the heads of people who he believed were rebels. Hundreds upon hundreds of people were killed in the short space of nine months, whereupon Robespierre was sentenced to be beheaded himself. Many historians refer to those nine horrendous months as the Reign of Terror.
One saying that describes the Reign of Terror is the one that Sunny had said: "It was dreadful, but necessary." Although Robespierre soon became corrupt with power, and executed those who he just did not like, his original intentions were all for the betterment of his country. For those of you readers who have heard of the phrase "the end justifies the means," then this is a perfect example of that principle. For although Robespierre's methods were dreadful, they were indeed necessary.
I am sure that by now in the Baudelaires' series of unfortunate events, many people are starting to question the nobility of the orphans. However, my personal and professional opinion is that perhaps the philosophy of the Reign of Terror applies to the actions of the Baudelaires. What Violet, Klaus, and Sunny did was dreadful, but it was, sadly, necessary.
At this point in the proceedings, I wish to do something that I never before thought was possible to be done. However, it is surprising what one can do when one knows boat builders and surveillance experts in their lives. The Baudelaires are the main characters of the story, and Count Olaf is the antagonist, a word which here means "really, really bad person against the heroes." However, in order to get the full understanding of a story, then one must understand the entire story from both sides, like listening to both of the lawyers in a courtroom, although it is rarely advisable to trust such people.
With that being said, I am forced to write backwards again, but only for this one statement: ehT tser fo siht retpahc lliw nialpxe yltcaxe tahw tnuoC falO saw gniod elihw eht serialeduaB erew gniklat.
The count woke up to the smell of the sea, which is a smell that you might not enjoy unless you have gotten used to that smell from disguising yourself numerous times as the captain of a ship that was once supposed to pick up a herpetologist and bring him to his room on the fifth floor of the hotel he was supposed to be staying at. The smell of the sea on this particular morning, however, smelled quite good to the count, for it was the day he had been planning for for days and days.
"Aah, what a glorious morning," said the Count, stretching his arms out so that they touched the low ceiling of his cabin. "I always loved Thursdays, but I could do well without Mondays."
He walked out of bed and proceeded at once to the bathroom across the hallway. This would not be the sort of thing he would do normally, but the circumstances, for him, were special. I, though, would prefer to not discuss anything about Count Olaf's hygenic habits inside the bathroom any more than I would want to share with my readers about the history of the organization to which I once belonged, unless of course something dreadful happens that requires me to be forced to do so.
The count walked back into his cabin, using his teeth to scrape some horrid-looking material from the inside of his fingernails. He quickly composed himself, a phrase which here means "got himself prepared," and looked into a mirror he himself had installed upon the wooden wall. "Who's the most handsome count in the world?" Olaf asked himself. "Why, it's me!"
Olaf started going on and on about himself and his looks, and from what I can gather, the despicable villain had done this every morning of his life that he was in front of a mirror. I would prefer to skip over this part of Count Olaf's morning and resume it at the point in time when the conniving count started to talk of his evil plans, although you are free to put this book inside two large pieces of bread and feed it to a hungry person who does not mind gobbling up paper and bread in the same dish.
"Oh, I am the most handsomest count in the world, but right now is not the time to be bragging," bragged the count. "I must prepare for my plans. Now, let's see what we have here."
He opened a drawer inside his cabin, and looked inside at the various items inside. As expected, he had kept the Snicket file with him, and that was one of the things inside. The villain also had a box of matches, a diary filled with entries that I do not want to even think about, and the picture of a woman who loved him rather than a fellow volunteer all because of a newspaper mishap. At least, that is all that I know of.
"Now, all I need is the coordinates of that sub-sub's secret library, and then I can continue on in my master plan to destroy VFD once and for all! Ha!" yelled the count, using his short but horrible laugh once again.
"There is absolutely nothing standing in my way now!" he cried, but then he paused. "Except for that wretched volunteer! That so-called writer thinks he can get the best of me? Well, there's absolutely no chance that he'll ever expose me! I'm as secretive as a bumblebee delivering honey! I'm as sneaky as a fox in the woods! And I'm as suspicious as French fries made in a Chinese food restaurant!"
The villain stroked his hairy chin and pulled the box matches out of the drawer and placed it inside his polluted pocket. He then opened the door of his cabin and walked onto the main deck, looking into the distance for something. I cannot say exactly what occurred while Count Olaf was on the deck, for not everything on the boat was made up of wooden eyes. But for the purpose of making the end of this chapter less tedious for the reader, I am going to insert a short excerpt from a cheerful little story called The Littlest Elf. For a reader that is more inclined to read this kind of story, then the rest of this chapter will be as tedious as the story of the mouse and the cookie.
"'Oh, joy!' squealed the littlest elf in sheer glee. "I just love watching deer races! Delia Deer always does such a good job, and I just love watching her first place trophies shine like that in my eyes!'
"The forest animals clamored around the littlest elf, and helped him cheer on Delia Deer, as she galloped ahead of the other deer and pranced across the finish line.
"'Hooray for Delia Deer!' screamed all of the forest animals. They ran over to Delia Deer as she was awarded her fifth first-place medal in a row. Delia was lifted up off the ground by her forest friends and was carried back to her pine-tree house.
"'My dear friends,' Delia said, 'I am so very flattered that I am getting such a big honor, and I only have just one thing to say in response to this kindness:
TO: Lucky Smells Lumbermill
FROM: L
Partner, I may require some assistance once again in my endeavors. My travels have once again forced me to hide in that eye-shaped building I had requested you commission your best men to build years ago. Once there, it is my fondest wish that you telephone the police and have them surround the area so that the enemies that are chasing me may not be able to find me.
I realize that you are still as bitter and cold as you have ever been, and I realize that the fire you once experience must have shaken you quite a bit, but I desperately require assistance in order to keep myself and the secrets I hold safe. If I am captured and killed, then those who I warned you about so long ago will finally triumph and make the world a very unsafe place. I should add that your lumbermill is on this world of which I speak, and I guarantee you that the entire mill will be engulfed in flame when they get their hands on it.
I hope this finds you before my enemies do.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket