Chapter 4
"Wake up, orphans!" yelled Count Olaf as he walked toward their cabin after making a vainglorious speech and doing something so diabolical, I had to cover up the rest of the chapter with an excerpt from the story The Littlest Elf, which I sincerely hope you got tired of and flipped ahead, as the story is incredibly tedious, but this story is so dreadful, it would be better for you to simply do something better with your time, like playing with a yo-yo.
As it was, the Baudelaire orphans were already awake, discussing such things as morality and mysterious people, both of which should normally be done after a good breakfast. But the Baudelaires knew better. They were not expecting any breakfast or lunch or dinner or food of any kind as long as they were on a boat with a man who had been chasing after them for months and months. Life goes by so quickly, and to the Baudelaires, it felt as if Count Olaf had been persuing them for years, when exactly one year prior to this specific date the Baudelaires had never heard of Count Olaf and his insidious plot to brutally murder, a phrase which here means "kill," two volunteers living by a beach that had friends working at a nearby trolley station. But if they were to survive, they would have to stay in Count Olaf's boat until they landed somewhere.
"We have landed somewhere!" the villain yelled. "And I want you to gather some provisions for our long trip!"
Violet stood up and walked out into the hallway. She walked up to the count and said, "Long trip?"
"Of course!" spat the villain. "Did you honestly think I wasn't planning on something? You didn't think I was going to drop the mushroom into the city from this ship, did you?"
Klaus walked into the hallway right after his sister. He looked at Count Olaf in bewilderment, a word which here means "like he couldn't believe it," and said, "We didn't know you were going to be doing that at all."
"Of course!" spat the villain again. "Did you honestly think I wasn't going to use the mushroom? I need to do something with it, for Pete's sake."
"For Pete's sake," like the phrase "every Tom, Dick, and Harry," is one that is used to express emotion. They are also both alike in the way that both phrases mention names of infamous volunteers, for almost every volunteer nowadays, including myself, knows of Peter Prufrock and his foundation of a secret recruitment school where he himself was the overseer.
Sunny walked into the hallway immediately after her brother. She looked at Count Olaf like she didn't blame him for anything, an emotion that Peter would have been very disappointed in. "How?" Sunny asked.
"How?" Olaf asked. "I'll tell you how! If I want to drop something on an entire city, I have to be above it, right?"
All three Baudelaires nodded their heads in fright and shock.
"Well, in order to be above the city, I have to be in something that will fly above the city, right?" the count asked again.
All three Baudelaires nodded their heads in shock and fright.
"So that is why I need to be on this island!" yelled the count. "So I can pick up that hot air balloon thingy and get it over the city!"
All three Baudelaires looked at each other in frightful shock. They knew exactly what Count Olaf was referring to when he talked about "that hot-air balloon thingy." He was talking about the self-sustaining hot air mobile home where Duncan and Isadora Quagmire had been last seen, along with a mechanic named Hector. The Baudelaires had only recently learned that the Quagmires' other siblings, Quigley, had taken a helicopter to save his siblings from a pack of eagles that were sicced, a word which here means "sent to pop the hot-air ballons to kill them," upon them.
The Baudelaires had heard what Count Olaf had said, but they could not believe their ears. They had been separated from the Quagmires for quite a while, and had given up the hope of them ever reuniting again. Isadora and Duncan were inside a hot air mobile home that Hector said would stay in the air forever. Quigley had flown up there to save them, but there was a chance he ended up in the same position as his siblings. Still, the Baudelaires still remained hopeful. This hope was what made the Baudelaires get out of the boat and walk onto the tiny island that they had landed on.
"Welcome to the Infinitesimal Island, orphans," the villain said. "This has been a lookout point for volunteers and villains alike for years. But today it will serve one purpose: to deliver the hot air balloon thing to me so I can poison the whole city and look for that sub-sub's secret library! Now get me some provisions for our trip!"
"But we just got here," Violet said patiently, although she wanted to scream at the horrible villain until she was short of breath. "Couldn't we have some breakfast first?"
"Yes," Klaus agreed. "We need some nourishment in order to give us the energy we need to work."
Count Olaf paused and looked at the Baudelaires. "Well," he thought aloud, "I could use something to eat. All right, then! Come with me!"
Olaf led the Baudelaires back onto the ship and brought them into a small galley, a word which here means "tiny dining room." He opened a small wooden cabinet and took out a rather large carton of orange juice and a full loaf of bread. Seeing these breakfast items reminded the Baudelaires of the breakfasts they had at the house of their Aunt Josephine many months ago. It somehow sickened the Baudelaires to know that Count Olaf, even unintentionally, had ways of reminding them of their past guardians that he had either killed, tricked, or both, and this feeling made the orphans, at least, Violet and Klaus, think of Count Olaf as more of a despicable person.
"All right, here's your breakfast," Olaf grumbled, as he opened a cabinet that had thirteen sets of utensils and thirteen plates inside them and took out four of each.
Violet, despite all that she was thinking, worked up the nerve to say, "Thank you for breakfast, Count Olaf."
Klaus caught on to what Violet was doing and said, "Yes, this looks delicious."
"Beborange," said Sunny, which meant something along the lines of "I want some orange juice."
Count Olaf looked a little taken aback at the politeness of the three orphans, and merely complied with their requests. He divided the bread into fourths, which any mathematical genius will tell you is four equal parts taken from a whole thing, and distributed it among them, pouring the orange juice into all four of their cups.
"Are you happy now, orphans?" asked the count, not looking up from his bread. "Are we able to eat now?"
The Baudelaires felt lumps in their throats, but it was not from their hunger. It would have been impossible for the Baudelaires to answer Olaf's question without feeling this lump. Rhetorical questions, a phrase which means "questions that have an obvious answer to them," should normally be asked to those who think of it positively. "Is that soup warm?" is a question one would normally ask to a soup-conscious person. "Are you who I think you are?" is a question one would normally ask when they are trying to get the appropriate answer from the half of the organization that you worked with. But asking a group of miserable children who experienced misery and torture everywhere they went if they were happy is like asking "Is that soup warm?" to a volunteer working at a soup kitchen, for in both situations, it would be foolish to expect a simple answer.
"Yes, Count Olaf," said Klaus politely, and all four of them continued eating. All four people in the cabin sat quietly, eating their breakfast as quietly as they could. When Violet and Count Olaf reached for the maple syrup at the same time, the count merely grumbled and poured it for her, and then for himself.
And then, Sunny did something that she, her siblings, and many other volunteers who heard of this, would come to regret. She gave Count Olaf a hug. Violet and Klaus quickly turned away and drank their orange juice, although they were filled up with an incredible amount of emotion. The villain merely cried aloud in shock, and wrestled out of the infant's grip.
Sunny then looked into his eyes again, and said, "Eye." At this point, Sunny could have meant many things. She could have meant "Your eyes look different," or something like "Maybe we see eye to eye better than you think," or possibly she was saying "I spy with my little eye… something outside flying in the sky."
Violet and Klaus believed that last interpretation and looked out the porthole. Sure enough, something was flying around in the sky. It looked like a bird in many ways, with its aerodynamic nature and how it was majestic in the open air. It did not have wings, like a bird, but instead was run by a series of balloons above the main structure, which was a rather large series of cabins that were interconnected.
"It's the self-sustaining hot air mobile home!" Violet cried, and quickly ran outside to try and get their attention.
"It's the Quagmires and Hector!" Klaus cried, and ran outside to assist Violet.
"Let's go!" Sunny cried, and walked out of the room, beckoning Count Olaf to follow.
All four of them went outside the boat onto the Infinitesimal Island, and immediately they started to think about how to help their friends land. Violet busied herself trying to start a fire to signal them. Klaus gathered as many twigs and branches as he could. Sunny called out, "Quagmire! Hector!"
All of a sudden, all three Baudelaires spotted something that made their spirits soar even more. A single tiny object fell near where the three orphans were working and the villain was supervising. It was a bottle.
Violet picked it up and read, "Dear Violet, Klaus, and Sunny…"
"What about me?" Olaf demanded.
Violet pretended that she did not hear what he said, and continued,
"Dear Violet, Klaus, and Sunny,
If you are reading this, then we are all in danger. Also if you are reading this, then we are close by and are going to be meeting you shortly. This was written at the beginning of our trip just in case we had to warn you.
As you might remember, the self-sustaining hot air mobile home is unable to come to the ground after it has been launched. Therefore, we require your assistance in helping us land upon the Infinitesimal Island.
Violet, we hope that with your mechanical skills you will be able to devise something that you will be able to throw up to us so we can come down.
Klaus, you have hopefully read something useful about air currents and hot-air balloons that will help us descend.
Sunny, we will definitely need your help as a chef to quickly whip up something that will prevent any of the strange animals on this island from interfering with the landing.
Hoping this finds you,
Isadora, Duncan, and Hector (and Quigley)"
The Baudelaires spent a few seconds letting the information sink in. It had been quite a while since they had last seen their friends, and the thought of helping them land their self-sustaining hot air mobile home. The orphans wanted nothing more than to get to work right away, saving their friends and finding out how they were able to survive the dreadful birds that they had been attacked by.
However, they did not just start working. Obviously, if they were to help their friends, they would be delivering the self-sustaining hot air mobile home right into Count Olaf's filthy and unkempt hands. What the Baudelaires knew they needed to do was formulate a strategy so that they could rescue their friends and make sure Olaf did not succeed in his sinister scheme to slaughter everyone in the city.
Violet turned to her siblings and whispered, "I'll use some twigs and leaves from the trees to make a rope. The two of you should do your respective jobs according to the Quagmires' instructions. We can worry about keeping the self-sustaining hot air mobile home away from Olaf once our friends are safe and out of danger."
Klaus nodded his head and said, "I think I might be able to determine where we need to pull from, but I'll need to look for a compass on the boat before I can do that."
Sunny added, "Desayun," which meant something along the lines of "I think I might be able to use some of our breakfast to keep the animals on the island away from us, but I won't be able to hold back the meat-eating ones."
"What about me?" Count Olaf demanded, as he was standing right next to Sunny as they talked. "I'm the adult here, after all! What can I do?"
The Baudelaires were about to respond to Olaf's surprising request to be of assistance, but when they heard a small sound, they knew they had to stop with the conversation, and take a little more action. They heard, from down on the island, the Quagmire triplets all yelling the same word: "Help."
Violet immediately sprang into action, a phrase which means "got right to work," rather than "jumping on spring-powered shoes." She quickly ran over to the foliage of the Infinitesimal Island, which was rumored to be home to various fetid dwarves, but was dismissed as a rumor years ago. She pulled various twigs and leaves of various shapes and sizes from the trees, and gathered as much as she possibly could carry. She brought her load back to the beach, and dumped them onto the sand. She ran back to the forest area to gather more leaves and twigs, and so on and so forth.
At one point in the gathering, Violet noticed something carved into one of the trees. It looked like the carving was made ages ago, as the outline of it was fading very much. What she found was as much of a surprise as anything she had ever seen before. A bowl was carved into the tree, with a small ring carved just above it. This abnormality reminded Violet of some mysterious sugar bowl that she had heard of from several volunteers and villains, but just dismissed it as an odd coincidence.
Eventually, Violet ended up with a rather large pile of twigs and leaves on the sand. But when she looked at the result, she realized a problem that she had not anticipated. Although she had enough materials to reach the Quagmires, she had no way of sticking them together in order to reach the self-sustaining hot air mobile home, which was circling the island.
Meanwhile, Klaus was busy looking around the ship for a compass. He looked in all the drawers in their cabin, Count Olaf's cabin (in which he had to hold his nose), the kitchen, and the supply room. All he could find was some twine, a sewing needle next to it, a few corks from old bottles of wine, glasses that could hold the wine, four refrigerators, and a rather large amount of refrigerator magnets. Nothing in this room could help Klaus with a compass, but then he remembered something from long ago.
About two years before the fire had consumed the Baudelaire mansion, Violet and Klaus were on a hike with their father. Their mother couldn't very well go with them, as she had to watch Sunny. But when the three of them got lost in the woods, Violet took a few supplies out of her knapsack, a word which here means "a useful backpack to put things in," and was able to build a compass out of a sewing needle, a magnet, a small cork, and a cup of water.
Klaus did not know exactly how the compass worked, but he decided to make do with what he had. He gathered one of each item he needed, and then went into the dining room to pour some of the orange juice into the cup, in place of water. Next Klaus rubbed the magnet against the needle, and hoped that the magnet would be powerful enough to make the needle a magnet. I will not explain all of the tedious steps required to make a homemade compass, but instead will just finish by telling you that Klaus did make a compass.
Meanwhile, Sunny was in the kitchen, preparing some food that would ward off the infamous Loathsome Lizards of Infinitesimal Island. These lizards, according to popular folktales that Sunny had heard from her aunt many months before the fire, ate only tiny white mice. Sunny knew that if she was going to get the lizards to leave her and her siblings alone when they were going to rescue their friends, she was going to need to make some makeshift mice.
Sunny found a jar of sugar cubes, and arranged them in the shapes of mice as best she could. Then she took a jar of maple syrup and poured some of it on the sugar cube mice. She decided that the syrup might come in handy later if she needed to keep the mice steady and unmoving, so she took that with her.
The time Sunny walked outside was when Violet was trying to figure out how to stick the twigs and leaves together. When she spotted her little sister carrying the maple syrup, she had an idea and used the syrup to stick the twigs and leaves to each other.
It was at this moment that Klaus walked outside. He showed his homemade compass to his sisters, who were as nervous as he was.
"Judging by the fact that north is that way," Klaus said, pointing to his left, "then the wind is blowing southeast right now. It would be a good idea to pull from that tree over there."
"I'll go stick one end of the twig rope to the tree," Violet said. "Then I should be able to throw the other end up to Hector and the Quagmires."
"Distract the lizards," said Sunny, who immediately started laying sugar-cube mice away from their location.
As they worked, the Baudelaires wondered where Count Olaf was, and that was when they heard another noise. This noise was just as frightening as the "Help!" the Baudelaires had heard before. When they heard this noise, they knew exactly where Count Olaf was and what he was up to. It was the noise of a harpoon gun.
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny immediately ran over to Count Olaf and saw exactly what the horrible villain was doing. He had tied a rope to the other end of the harpoon gun, and was trying to pull the self-sustaining hot air mobile home down to the ground himself. To the Baudelaires' horror, he was succeeding.
"Let go!" Violet screamed, grabbing Count Olaf's arm and trying to loosen his grip on the harpoon gun.
Olaf yelled back, "How dare you, you little brat! How dare you grab at me and order me around! If I wanted advice from you, I would ask! Now sit down, and shut up!"
Violet bit her tongue, for she just realized that if Olaf let go, the Baudelaires might never see their friends again. She sat down next to her siblings and they hugged each other as Count Olaf was reeling in the self-sustaining hot air mobile home like a rather large flying fish.
It felt like an eternity to the Baudelaires, but finally it landed on the sandy shores of the Infinitesimal Island. Before actually running onto the mobile home, the Baudelaires just then realized exactly how big it was, and wondered how Count Olaf had gotten the strength to reel in such an enormous object. But they decided to worry about that later, and ran into the mobile home to look for their friends.
The first basket they went into was empty, and so was the second. The third was vacated, and so was the fourth. It was not until they came to the smallest basket on the mobile home that they found exactly what they were looking for.
There was a wise man once, who wrote a story about a cat and some birds, who said, "Equals make the best friends." This means that if you are a doorman at an apartment complex, then you are most likely to be friendly with a doorman at an equally complex hotel. It can also refer to a chef and a cook, a tennis player and a racquetball player, or more importantly, two groups of three siblings who have suffered much misfortune.
The Baudelaires saw the tattered figures of their friends, and they all immediately embraced. They hugged and cried for the longest time, but none of them wanted it to end. Of course, in the lives of the Baudelaires, whenever there is good news, there is bound to be bad news.
On the left sat Quigley Quagmire. The last time the Baudelaires had seen him, he was floating down the sinister waves of the Stricken Stream. Apparently, his journey from there to the Hotel Denouement and to the hot air mobile home did not do anything positive for his appearance. He looked positively ragged, and his face resembled that of a starving man's.
Next to him sat Isadora and Duncan Quagmire. The last time the Baudelaires had seen them, they were floating away on this same exact self-sustaining hot air mobile home, far away into the sky. Had there been no interference on the parts of Count Olaf and his villainous ex-girlfriend, they all might have been safe together.
The unfortunate news then hit the Baudelaires like a rather large sack of potatoes. When they had seen Isadora and Quigley travel into the bright sky, the mobile home was being piloted by a kind man named Hector, who had been the only kind adult the Baudelaires had met in the village. They had really hoped to see him again, but fate had its own idea.
Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, and Quigley all stood up to walk out of the self-sustaining hot air mobile home. They did not know exactly how to feel right then. The children were all happy to see each other, as they were good friends who loved each other very much. But they were also tearful, for while they had reunited with their best friends, they had also lost one, and this made the Baudelaires and the Quagmires feel more miserable than they ever had been in their entire lives.