Chapter 6
The Baudelaires and the Quagmires were airborne for a few hours. As they flew, the Baudelaires filled the Quagmires in about what happened at the Heimlich Hospital, the Caligari Carnival, the Mortmain Mountains, the Queequeg, and the Hotel Denouement.
Violet explained how they had gotten positions at the Heimlich Hospital's Library of Records to find the Snicket File, and how they had disguised themselves in the carnival to find out more information about their parents. Klaus recalled their time at the Mortmain Mountains, which Quigley knew about all too well, and what had taken place when they had come aboard the Queequeg. Finally, Sunny recapped exactly what had happened when they were at the Hotel Denouement, and how they saw many of their former guardians and other people that looked familiar to them.
Since the Quagmires had already told their story, there was another very long silence between the six orphans. They were not only hovering above the waters of a very large ocean, but they were also heading in some direction that they had no idea where it led. They could only hope that they would be able to land somewhere so that they could find out more about the mysteries that surrounded them, and how to stop Count Olaf once and for all.
"Look!" Sunny shouted, which broke the silence. She was pointing out of the large tear in the basket of the hot air balloon, and over to some large rocks. Her siblings and the Quagmires could not see anything unusual at first, but then Klaus noticed just exactly what his sister was pointing at."
"Scuba gear," Klaus said, marveling. He could not believe, that out in the middle of the ocean, someone would leave their scuba gear on a large rock and then leave. Normally, he would dismiss this as an oddity and move on, but there were two things about the scuba gear that got him and the other orphans wondering. The first thing was that there were, strangely, six outfits; one for each of them. The other thing was that this scuba gear had a familiar picture on them. On the front of the suits were a portrait of a man with a beard, whom Klaus immediately recognized as scuba gear belonging to the second submarine he and his siblings had ever been on.
"Those are uniforms from the Queequeg!" Violet cried, either in happiness or sadness.
"Is that Herman Melville on the front?" Duncan asked. "I always did like his work."
"Yep," Sunny said, still staring at the six outfits of scuba gear.
"Hold on," Quigley suddenly said, and opened his commonplace book. He studied a few complex maps he had written before finally saying, "This is the area where Hector and the hook-handed man fell down in."
The Baudelaires' minds and spirits strengthened with the knowledge that perhaps Hector was alive and breathing somewhere here. However, they also realized that in order to look for any signs of him, they were going to have to don, a word which here means "put on," rather than the boss of an organization known as the Mafia, the scuba uniforms and swim down into the ocean to find him.
Klaus turned to Isadora to say what he was thinking, but she said, "I was thinking the same thing. Maybe we should try putting them on."
In an instant, the orphans got to work getting the hot air balloon to descend. Violet, Duncan, and Quigley moved the ropes tied to the balloon around so that they would be able to get closer, while Isadora, Klaus, and Sunny prepared to use some of the straw from the basket to make a rope that would, hopefully, allow them to climb down and reach the rocks below. The orphans doubled their efforts as quickly as they could, and finally they were able to get down onto the rocks. To their great relief, the straw didn't break when they climbed down. Their descent reminded the Baudelaires of the long journey they took down the elevator of 667 Dark Avenue, but it was much lighter, which was a relief.
Once all six orphans got down onto the rocks, they looked around. The rock they were standing on was fairly small, but large enough to hold the six of them. Violet, the last one to climb down, held on to the rope for what seemed to her like an eternity, but finally let it go, and the hot-air balloon drifted away into the sky.
"Well," Klaus said, "should we put on these scuba uniforms?"
Even though the answer was obvious enough, the six orphans hesitated before answering, which was ironic considering they were in the prescence of scuba uniforms from a submarine captained by a man with a philosophy opposite of that.
"We can't do anything else," Duncan said, and the orphans put on the scuba uniforms. Amazingly enough, the uniforms fit them, as though the uniforms had been left there on purpose by a volunteer, just like when a volunteer left out a mysterious brunch for the Baudelaires only two short days ago.
Sure enough, there was a note attached to Sunny's breathing apparatus. Violet picked it up and read, "No time like the present. Use well. T."
"What does that mean?" Sunny asked.
Violet turned to Klaus and said, "What does this mean to you, Klaus?"
Klaus read the message over a few times and finally concluded, "I can't tell anything besides that a volunteer calling himself or herself T left these scuba suits for us, but I cannot figure out where we're supposed to go from here."
"Wait one second," Quigley gasped. "Let me see that." Klaus handed the message to Quigley, who read the note and immediately looked out into the distance, at the sun.
"What are you doing?" Isadora asked.
Quigley smiled, despite the circumstances, and replied, "'No time like the present.' Clearly there is a certain direction that this volunteer indicated we go. I'm assuming you all know what it means when someone points their hand in a certain direction and says '4:00' or '5:30.' Clearly we're supposed to go where the sun is in position, because that is an indicator of time. That's what's meant by 'the present'!"
All of the orphans immediately faced the sun and jumped into the water. The waters of the ocean were freezing, and even the layer of scuba gear surrounding their bodies was not enough to render them immune, a word which here means "having the ability to resist," from the chill. The orphans descended farther into the ocean, expecting to find some sort of marker that would lead them in a different direction, but no such thing could be found. They all felt it was best to do what Quigley suggested, and kept going straight on. Quigley, being the expert cartographer, led them all, while Violet remained in the back, as she was the eldest and tallest of all of them. Sunny swam right next to Klaus, who made sure he kept a close eye on his sister. And of course, Isadora and Duncan stayed near all of them, so as not to get lost. As the orphans progressed, they eventually spotted a sign, as they had hoped. It read, "Go through here to LL."
The Baudelaires and Quagmires could not speak, but Violet looked around as if to say, "This is our best bet. Let's go." Without any more hesitation, the Baudelaires and the Quagmires swam into the narrow passageway and continued on. The minutes seemed interminable as the passage became darker, and darker, and darker, until it was so dark, they had to hold hands so they wouldn't lose each other.
As they reached a fork in the passage, Sunny beckoned the rest of them left, and in a few seconds they saw why. There was available room to breathe fresh air in there, but the odd quirk about it was that it looked like an underwater beach, and the Baudelaires swam in for a closer look. They and the Quagmires looked around, and the triplets didn't see anything that particularly drew their attention. But when Violet, Klaus, and Sunny took off their helmets to breathe in some air, they spotted tiny little footprints that led up to a dish of something that looked suspiciously like a fishbowl and smelled of old noodles.
"Gorg Grotto!" Sunny cried at once, and her siblings nodded in amazement. Only days ago, they had been stuck in this calamitous cavern, surrounded by a poisonous mushroom. The Baudelaires looked frantic, but to their relief, the bunches and bunches of fungi that had been there before were nowhere in sight. They nodded to the Quagmires, who took off their helmets as well, and looked around at their surroundings.
"What is this place?" asked Isadora, marveling at the intricate way the grotto was designed.
"The Gorgonian Grotto," Klaus explained. "We were here a few days ago, when Sunny nearly got poisoned from the Medusoid Mycelium."
"Wait a minute," Duncan interrupted. "What happened to the mycelium? We heard something dreadful happened."
"Count Olaf got his hands on a specimen and was planning to drop it over the city," Violet explained. "But he might not be able to now, because it was on the head of the ship, and there is no possible way he would be able to get down from the rest of the hot air mobile home."
Just then, the orphans felt a sudden chill, but the grotto wasn't cold. Clearly, they were expressing doubts that Count Olaf would have given up the poisonous fungus without a fight, and so hearing Violet trying to reassure them only made it more foreboding.
Without another word, the orphans put their scuba gear back on and continued on. They felt that less talking and more action was appropriate, and so they knew they could not stop again, unless there was a problem with their gear. They swam through the dark waters, and eventually followed another passageway out into a larger body of water.
The Baudelaires and the Quagmires decided that it would be best to descend farther down, and so they went down. What they saw came as a complete shock to them. In fact, it was so shocking, they knew that they needed to hold onto whatever they could get their hands on.
For at the bottom of this large body of water was three things that made them all realize exactly where they were. The first thing was scraps of paper with notes, citations, and many, many words on them, which by itself meant nothing. The second thing was pieces and pieces of wood, all looking like they had been thrown to pieces into the water. But the final, and most shocking, thing they saw was a solitary item. This item was the key that told them all where they were. This item was something that the Baudelaires thought they would never see again. This item was a bowl of frozen green liquid. The average reader might pass this off as something trivial that the orphans shouldn't really have cared about, but the design on the bowl reminded them of a time when they were sitting down in a cold house, with no heat, with no windows open, and were having a dinner of chilled cucumber soup.
The Baudelaires, of course, were once again completely shocked, as they finally realized that they were looking at the remains of the house of their Aunt Josephine and they were swimming in Lake Lachrymose. They looked up, expecting to be able to see the large rock that her house had been precariously perched upon, but they were too far down to see anything above the water. Why a passageway from the Gorgonian Grotto led to this lake was a mystery to the Baudelaires, and just seeing the shards of wood reminded them of their Aunt Josephine and how she was a kind and caring guardian, despite her extreme panophobia and her obsession for the English language. The only image of her that they distinctly remembered was the look of horrification and fear on her face when Count Olaf had thrown her among lions, a phrase which here means "had thrown her to the vicious Lachrymose leeches and left her to die." Despite the poundings of their hearts and the remembrance of the many injustices dealt to them since the bad beginning, the Baudelaires felt it was best to tell the Quagmires everything once they reached their final destination, for up ahead of them was another passageway. They reassured the Quagmires using the appropriate hand signals, and then the six orphans continued on.
It is at this point in the proceedings that I wish to point out that in this point in the proceedings in this final tale of the Baudelaires' lives that it was still Thursday, the day of the former gathering of the volunteers, as far as the orphans knew, at least. This day, I regret to tell you, was not only the day of someone's torturous triumph, but of the shocking secrets that had been hidden from them for many years because of their overprotective parents not wanting them to learn of the shocking truth of their family. Being overprotective is normally not a sin, but when it results in your death, your husband's death, and the near-death of your would-be brother-in-law, it starts to look guiltier than it is. Many times in the Baudelaires' story were the orphans overprotective of each other. When they were in Uncle Monty's house, they were overprotective of each other to the point where they missed some vital evidence that could have helped them avoid at least a few of their misfortunes. When they lived at 667 Dark Avenue, they had been overprotective of each other to the point where they were too late to save their friends. And only recently, when they had been in the Mortmain Mountains, they had been overprotective to the point where they could have learned the shocking truth of the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard and why Count Olaf was afraid of doing anything to upset them.
But at that moment, in a passageway that they had gotten into by going through the Gorgonian Grotto and Lake Lachrymose, they were being more overprotective of themselves and the Quagmires than they had ever been before in any of their lives. They stayed in a closer group, and yelled into their breathing apparatuses to see if the others could hear. They always could, and the Baudelaires and Quagmires continued on through the passageway.
This passageway was the smallest out of all of the ones that they had been in, so they had to line up one by one to go through quickly and efficiently. When they emerged into another body of water, the Baudelaires had a suspicious feeling that they were at another body of water they were bound to recognize.
They, of course, were right. As they and the Quagmires swam up to the surface, the orphans noticed many things around them. They noticed many beautiful houses lined along the street, and that drew them to the conclusion that they were in a town stream. They also noticed a vacant lot with a sign that read "Future Home of Volunteer Fabric Designers," which Klaus made a note of in his commonplace book, still kept safe inside his pocket. But Sunny suddenly said something just when she had another one of her revelations.
"Smell," she said, and the rest of the orphans interpreted her meaning differently. Violet thought she meant something along the lines of "This river has a horrid smell," which it did. Isadora thought she meant something along the lines of "We really do smell," which they did. Klaus thought she meant something along the lines of "It's so nice to smell something other than water," which was true. Quigley thought she meant something along the lines of "Something here smells wonderful," which was also true. Only Duncan realized that what she really meant was "What is that smell?" and he immediately recognized the smell in the air as something his grandmother used to use for formal dinners at home.
"Horseradish," Duncan said, and Violet and Klaus immediately realized that they were currently sitting beside the Stricken Stream, a long and disgusting river that wasn't a particular favorite of theirs. However, that was not what the orphans were interested in. They looked again at the empty lot with the sign, and realized, to their horror, that that location was the exact same place where Uncle Monty's house used to be.
The Baudelaires looked at the lot, and then looked again. They kept looking, hoping to see Uncle Monty's corpse arise from the dirt and embrace them forever. They also wished that at least some of his notes had been kept safe so that they could study them. But all the information they had was the sign that read "Volunteer Fabric Designers," which only a fool would think didn't shorten out to spell V.F.D.
The Baudelaires were surprised to realize that they hadn't thought about V.F.D. in hours. After all, this was the secret organization that had been surrounding their lives with mystery, but the Baudelaires then realized exactly why they hadn't really thought about it. Only just last morning did the Baudelaires attend a trial filled with volunteers and villains alike, but the noble volunteers had done nothing to help the Baudelaires fight the injustice being dealt there. Even though V.F.D. was supposed to be a noble organization, the Baudelaires were then having their doubts about whether they really wanted to learn much about it anymore, now knowing that what Fernald Widdershins had said about people being mixed salads may be right after all. It is impossible to by 100 pure, unless, of course, you are a carton of orange juice, which if you are, then I wish you fondest wishes that your intellect may yet rise above mere reading ability. You cannot be a truly good person, and likewise, you cannot be a truly bad person. People tend to judge other people on solitary actions, but the truth is that people are so much more than what they do. It's what they do and how they react that makes them who they are. The Baudelaires were mostly noble, for they did good things and bad things, but they always felt guilty and upset when they did these bad things. Even though the Baudelaires were being slightly hypocritical in their belief that the noble volunteers had done nothing to help them, they had every right to be upset.
"Baudelaires? Are you okay?" asked Isadora, breaking the three children out of their daze. Since there was no one around to hear them, and it was a quiet place, the orphans felt it best to tell the Quagmires absolutely everything, from their horrifying arrival at Count Olaf's house to their perilous voyage on the suspicious boat.
They sat down and Violet started to explain to the Quagmires what they were about to tell them, so that the Quagmires could brace themselves for things more shocking than they ever could have imagined. Klaus started to tell them, down to the last detail, every single last thing that had ever happened to them between going to Count Olaf's house for the first time and leaving Lachrymose Lake. Violet told them, down to the last detail, every single last thing that had happened to them between arriving at the lumbermill and leaving 667 Dark Avenue. Sunny, with her siblings' help, was able to say, down to the last detail, every single last thing that had ever happened to them between arriving at the Village of Fowl Devotees and being led up the Mortmain Mountains. And finally, all three of them explained, in the most intricate detail they could, every single last thing that had ever happened to them between climbing up the Mortmain Mountains and arriving at the Infinitesimal Island in Count Olaf's vessel.
"I had no idea it had been so serious," Duncan murmured, while his eyes were starting to swell with tears.
"Nor did I," Quigley said, wiping his eyes.
"Same here," Isadora muttered, nearly breaking out crying.
The Baudelaires looked at their friends and started to get into a six-way embrace, but a sudden sight up above shocked them. It is unsurprising to see something flying in the air, granted if it is a bird or a plane or a flying superhero with a red cape. But it is surprising to see, when you look in the air, a hot air balloon that looked like the basket had been ripped at both ends, and standing in it is a person with one eyebrow with a horrible-looking smell and an even worse-looking smile.
"It's Count Olaf!" Klaus cried. "He's up there!"
The Quagmires looked up and realized, to their horror, that the Baudelaires were right. "It is him!" Duncan cried. "He may be looking for us! Quick! Put the scuba gear back on!"
Duncan put on his scuba gear and the rest of the orphans followed suit. They immediately went back into the water and continued on. Their hearts pounding powerfully, they swam as fast as they could, for fear that the count might be scanning the entire area in search of them. Finally, just before the count made the decision to look in the stream, the orphans had already made it out of his line of sight
An hour passed, and the orphans were starting to think that they were never going to make it to wherever it was they were supposed to be going to, but soon they reached another passageway that read "U.C. D.D." The orphans had no idea what in the world this message meant, but they went up there just the same, in the hope that perhaps it led to a place where their questions might at last be answered. Little did they know how right they were.
The passageway finally ended in a gigantic cavern, probably hollowed out by people, and not made naturally. The strange thing about this cavern was that the orphans had to swim straight upwards to get to the opening. The Baudelaires and the Quagmires clamored out, and they all marveled at the cave. But when they walked further inside, their hearts were filled with more joy than they had ever been filled with in their entire lifetimes.
There is another famous Greek writer, besides Aesop, who wrote tales that were entertaining, but this particular one wrote types of stories called epics. His name was Homer, and he wrote the legendary tale The Odyssey, which is about the adventures of Greek soldier Odysseus on his way from the ruins of Troy to his home on the relatively unknown island of Ithaca. Odysseus runs into all sorts of things, like fish-like women who seduce him into a trance, a monster with only one eye and one eyebrow, a vengeful god of the seas, and a witch who could change people into animals. Even though he suffers all of this hardship, he finally makes it to his loving wife and son at home. Of course, the Baudelaire and Quagmire orphans do not have much experience with beasts like the ones Odysseus fought, they felt, at this moment of them walking deeper into the chasm, exactly how the Greek hero felt when he arrived at the place he had been working so hard to get to.
They were staring at a large stone structure in the middle of the chasm. It was enormous, big enough to hold a restaurant. To put it in perspective, a phrase which here means "explain just how large it was," all six orphans, standing on top of one another, could not have been able to grab the top or even make an attempt to touch the halfway mark. However, they found a rather large ladder on the other side of the chasm, and so the children ran all the way across to reach it.
Sunny was the first one to ascend, and when she got to the top, she yelled, "Yep!" as if to clarify their thoughts. For at the top were markings next to things you might call shelves, but shelves aren't normally laid down flat, and are most certainly not made out of stone. They all climbed up to the top and marveled at just how large it was.
Then, as if by magic, Sunny spotted the two mysterious volunteers who, in the dead of night, had promised to meet her and her siblings at the exact place they knew they were in. The masked man and woman walked over to the ladder and climbed up. The Baudelaires and the Quagmires walked over to them, expecting them to take off their masks and reveal themselves. But instead, they kept their faces hidden, although the orphans could tell they were both smiling from underneath their masks.
"Hello, Baudelaires and Quagmires," the man said, his smile growing wider every second. "We bid you our fond congratulations on making it here. On behalf of ourselves and V.F.D., we would like to welcome you all to the underwater catalog of Dewey Denouement."