Disclaimer: I do not own Star Ocean or its Characters.
Note: Hi all you Alphia freaks. From one freak to another let me tell you all thank you for the reviews and the support. Don't take being called a freak as an insult please, I mean it in a most endearing way. :)
Dialog – "Blah"
Thoughts – 'Blah'
Bitter-Sweet Motivations
Chapter 8: Arduous Cruxes
Sophia watched as he tilted his head back, taking in every drop the small container held. Her heart raced in anticipation. She didn't know what to expect. Part of her wanted to run away. That part of her thought it best that some things remain a mystery.
But the other part of her was in control. That part kept her firmly in place. Some of it was curiosity but for the most part she wanted to help. He had made it clear through his actions that he didn't trust everyone – not enough to divulge his whole self and dive face first into the truth. If he thought she could help then she was obligated to do her best. No…she wanted to do her best. She sincerely wanted to help him. This went beyond just helping. This went deeper and she knew it.
He looked at her and blinked. She stood silent and waited. Without warning he dropped the vial and fell to his knees. Bending over, he took his head in his hands. His shoulders shook lightly and she knew he was crying.
Sophia hated to see anyone cry, but she knew that tears had many purposes. One purpose was to cleanse. She lowered herself gently to her own knees and positioned herself just in front of him. Tenderly she reached out and barely touched both his shoulders. He twitched under her touch but didn't move away. Then he fell forward; the top of his head came to rest on her chest.
She hesitated only slightly before she lifted her right hand to his head. She stroked his hair lightly in an attempt to comfort him. For a while they stayed as they were. He cried on her as she held him. His sobs were not loud; only occasionally would a soft moan exit him. The whole time she ran her fingers through his hair as her other hand rested on his shoulder.
She couldn't help but to wonder how long he had bottled up his feelings. He had yet to speak a word. When she had drunk the water, she didn't hesitate to speak. Of course, at the time she was only holding back on emotions that surrounded a short span of time. She could feel it in her gut that he was releasing years of pent up sorrows.
Finally, he stopped and brought his head up to look at her; breaking the embrace. His hands left his head and dropped to his lap. Sophia's arms hung in mid-air. She wasn't sure what she should do with her arms, but she didn't want to take them back.
She kept silent as she searched his eyes. Tears continued to slowly seep from them and down his cheeks. There was a sadness in his face that tore at her. A sadness stronger then any she had encountered in her own life. She wanted to hold him and tell him that it was okay – everything was okay, but she restrained herself. He sat still, as if he where lost as to what to do next.
Even though he sat back on his legs, she still had to look up at him. She lifted up and extended her legs to their maximum length so that her eyes hovered right over his. His head didn't move as his eyes followed her. She reached out and tenderly took his face in both her hands. In response he closed his eyes as she gently rubbed his tears away with her thumbs. Once his tears were gone she leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.
She had just removed her lips from his skin when he reached out and wrapped his arms around her torso. She paused and allowed him to do what he needed. True to her word, she felt no fear. She was completely at ease. Her tension had dissolved and she was ready to face whatever came next.
He pulled her close and nestled his face against her neck. She, in turn, wrapped her own arms around him. Her right hand reached across his back and to his shoulder as her left palm made soft circles on his back.
"I…" His voice came out course as his throat threatened to close on it. He drew his lips into his mouth to moisten them. "I need you."
His voice was barely over a whisper and so faint the gentlest of breezes could have carried it away. But to her, she heard him clearly. His words vibrated in her heart and sang to her soul. She stopped petting his back and tightened her embrace. She didn't speak but responded with her touch. She didn't want her words to get in the way and ruin the moment.
His shoulders shook again. She quickly realized that he was laughing this time and not crying. Though no sound escaped him, she knew. She also knew this laugh was a relief laugh. She had accepted him with unspoken words and he was letting his tension go.
He straightened himself and sat back. As he did so, he took her with him until she was seated against him. She couldn't recall the actual motions that landed them in their current position, but she didn't fight it. He was seated with his right leg stretched out and his left knee drawn up. She sat between his legs, her back against his knee and her side against his chest. Her arms were now around his waist and his arms were around her shoulders.
She rested her head on him. His heart beat steadily and it sent her into a state of calmness. His metal hand was holding her arm. His right hand was on her shoulder. She sat still as her eyes wondered over the contours of his arm. Her mind was filled with no particular thoughts as she relished the comfort he provided. She almost felt selfish. Her stomach fluttered a little and she couldn't help but to enjoy herself. She was supposed to be helping him, but she couldn't stop her own feelings. She finally felt her old happy self returning.
"Why you?"
She lifted her gaze at his question. He was looking down at her. His eyes were clear of their earlier tears. "Huh?"
"Why is it that out of all the things I've encountered, you are the only thing that can ease me?" He smiled faintly at her. "Why didn't you back down from me?"
She did her best to keep eye contact with him. "I didn't see a reason to back down."
"Oh, but didn't you think I hated you?"
"Well, yeah for a while I did. Then I realized I was judging you without really knowing what I was judging. I didn't know the whole story and I jumped to conclusions. I'm sorry."
He shook his head slightly. "Bah, it's not like you had any reason to think otherwise."
"You know, you're not so bad." She winked at him and smiled.
"You might change your mind if you knew half the things I've done. I've…"
"Shush," she interrupted him. "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. The past is the past. You can't change that, but I know you now. I didn't know you then and that doesn't matter to me. What I know is what counts and even if you were to tell me then it wouldn't change. The way I see you has nothing to do with what you've done, but who you are now."
"You sound like you're making a commitment."
"I am," she spoke softly. "You are my friend and I care a lot about you."
"Friend," he responded. He spoke the word more as a phrase, but there was a question in it also. "Do you usually attack all your friends and kiss them?"
She couldn't tell if he was serious or not. "I…" That was all she could say before her voice left her. She swallowed and forced herself to continue. She was nervous. "No, I don't. That was different."
"Do tell," he encouraged her on.
She felt her face flush. She hesitated slightly, unsure as to what to say. Did he not understand that there were things about a girl's heart that she kept to herself? Things that she wanted only to feel and not put to words.
"It just was," she replied. "Besides, when did this conversation turn to be about me?"
"What makes you think it wasn't about you to start with?" There was a softness in his face she had never seen before. She felt as if she were in a dream. On one hand, she was being held by a guy in a way she'd never experienced before. On the other hand, she had to wonder about his motivations.
"I thought you drank the water to, well you know…to get something off your shoulders."
He looked at her questioningly, but didn't say a word. One edge of his mouth drew up into a cocky grin. She could feel herself shake lightly. Everything had started out with pain and she didn't want to break the position they were in, but was this what he really needed? She'd always felt that something was buried deep inside him. Surely he wanted to get that off his chest.
"I thought you had something you needed me to listen to. I'm not saying you have to tell me anything. I just want to make sure that I'm helping you if I can."
"Humph, and you think I need help?"
Her heart sank. He was still holding her, but he was starting to sound like he had during one of their many arguments. He was so complicated. Or maybe he wasn't. She was hit with a realization at that moment. Everyone is different and unique. Everyone is who they are. If she wanted to really be there for him and to help him, she would have to do it according to his rules. If she wanted to be a true friend to him, then she needed to fully accept him for who he was.
"Sorry. If you need me to listen then I'll listen. I didn't mean that you needed my help. I'm really just trying to do what I can for you, that's all. I thought there was something you had to tell me."
There was a long pause. They were both still. She searched his eyes and hoped she hadn't said something wrong.
"There is something I have to tell you."
She held her breath in both anticipation and apprehension. His hand left her shoulder and she almost turned to look at it. Before she could even take her eyes off his face, his fingers were resting on her cheek. Sliding his fingers across her skin, he embraced her face. Her heart was beating at an alarming rate. Her mind couldn't focus on anything but him.
He tilted his head closer to her and her heart stopped all together. He moved slowly. Painfully slow in her opinion. Was he going to kiss her? What was he doing? She couldn't bring one though to the surface as she watched him move. Did she want this? But she already knew the answer to that question. This was almost too perfect. Things in life never went this perfect and surely she was reading something more then was there.
When his lips finally met hers she pushed all questions to the side. Closing her eyes, she gave in to desire and allowed him to have his way. His hand was still on her cheek as his lips pressed softly to hers. She brought her hand from his back and touched his chest. As if this was a signal, he deepened his kiss. His tongue danced around hers.
When he finally pulled back, he paused. His lips so close to hers that no movement would be required before another kiss began. His breath skimmed across her skin. His hand held fast to her cheek.
"Humph, still just a girl. You fill your head with fantasies and twist reality to meet those dreams." He pulled back and let go of her. He slid his right leg around until it was drawn up beside his left. He now sat beside her, still facing her.
She wasn't sure what had just happened. The perfect moment was lost. "What?"
"You. Do you really expect anyone to be interested in you? You know how the others treat you. You have been pushed to the side and that's where you hide. Why do you hide and still want others to see you?"
"Hide? Yes, I suppose I did hide, but that stopped before we went to Firewall. The others actually talk to me more now."
He released a dark chuckle from his throat. "You've missed the point, girl. You hide who you are but still long for someone to see what you hide inside."
She had thought he meant she hid physically. His logic was on the mark. While she did converse well with the others, no one but Fayt had any idea of the person she really was. "Because a real friend takes the time to know another friend. If someone doesn't know me then that is their problem. If someone takes the time to know me, then they would see what I 'hide'." She looked up at him and searched his face. "It would seem you hide yourself too. What's the difference?"
"I don't cloud myself in hopeless dreams."
She shook her head slightly, keeping eye contact. "Dreams aren't hopeless and you have dreams too. Only you call them goals."
"Goals?" He raised his head slightly and looked down at her. "My 'goals' are achievable. Dreams can be impossible."
"Nothing is impossible. Things can be improbable, but never impossible. You just have to believe in your dreams and in yourself."
"Bah, that's fools talk."
"Then I suppose I'm a fool." Her words came out defiantly yet soothing. "My dreams drive me to continue and not give up on life. No matter what this life takes from me, I will always have my dreams. If things go bad and a dream is lost then I move on and create a new dream."
He shifted sideways away from her, putting a small distance between them. He smirked at her before he lowed his head into her lap. "You may just be the most hopeless person I have ever met."
She looked down at him in confusion. He was insulting her, yet he had just laid his head in her lap. His right hand rested between his face and her body. His eyes were opened in a lazy fashion and he was looking straight ahead at the fabric of her skirt.
"Is that what you had to tell me?"
He sighed softly. "No. What I wanted to tell you is that sometime I wish I could be more like you."
She studied his face. 'More like me? But why would anyone want to be more like me? I'm not as strong or fast as you are, Albel. I'm not as confident as Nel. I'm not leadership material like Fayt or Maria. There's so much I'm not. The only thing I am is me. Is that what you like about me? Do you really like me? Of course you do or you wouldn't have kissed me. And now, here you are with your head in my lap and you're sleeping.'
She watched him for a long while as he slept. He looked so peaceful. She smiled at him wondering about their conversation. He had in an adverse way shown her some affection. This was perfect, considering who she was talking about. She doubted that Albel would ever fall into one of the many romance novels she had read. And she didn't want him to. There was something about a fantasy romance that touched her heart, but there was something about real life that could completely consume her heart. For this to be Albel, then the night had been perfect.
She brushed his hair from his face as she yawned. She had no idea what time it was but she felt fatigue set in. She let her eyes wonder over his form. He had his knees drawn up to his chest and was in a fetal position. She blinked a few time to fight off sleep before leaning toward him. She put her arm on his midsection and placed her head on top.
Her eyes fell shut. Just before sleep took her she wondered if this was another side effect of the water. To confess yourself then sleep. But sleep was a release of tension in itself.
She slept on him while he slept on her.
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"Sophia?" a voice called to her softly as someone shook her shoulder.
Sophia lifted her head and yawned. She blinked a few time to rid her eyes from the sleep in them and glanced around. She was still in the garden and Albel still lay under her. They had remained as they had been and his head was still nestled in her lap.
"Sophia."
She turned her head to the owner of the voice. Nel crouched beside her. The red head smiled at her and nodded. "There you are. Fayt woke up this morning and couldn't find you. He woke the rest of us up to help him look."
"Fayt?" Sophia asked. For a moment she couldn't place the name. She had just been aroused from a dream. The most wonderful dream. But her amnesia was very short lived and reality came back to her.
Nel nodded. "Yeah, you should go see what he wants. And can I ask what this is all about?" She pointed to the figure still sleeping.
Sophia looked down at Albel and blushed lightly. "Long story. Thank you for waking me up."
Nel gave her an amused smile. "Well, then perhaps you should wake him and go see Fayt. He's driving everyone crazy. I won't ask anymore about this and I can keep my mouth shut, but if you need someone to talk to then come find me."
"Talk to about what?" Sophia was still trying to clear the sleep from her head. Her thoughts were lazy and unfocused.
"About any woman issues you might have. Here on Elicoor it's not uncommon for a girl your age to be married and a mother. From what I've seen, the people from Earth are different. Neither you nor Maria are involved with anyone. I'm just offering you some advice if you should need."
Sophia smiled. When she had told Albel that the others talked more to her, she hadn't been lying. Out of all of them, Nel had talked the most with her. She had even showed Sophia some defensive moves.
"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind."
"Alright. I'll leave and tell Fayt I've found you. I'll tell him to meet you in the chapel."
"Can do." Sophia watched Nel leave and then turned her attention back to the man in her lap. He looked so peaceful, she hated to wake him.
She reached down and took his hand. "Albel. Time to wake up."
He snorted shortly. His fingers tightened around hers. A small smirk crossed his face. Just as she thought, he was already awake. Of course he was. What had she expected? He was a soldier and used to sleeping lightly.
"How long have you been awake?"
His eyes fluttered open. "Long before the Aquarian wench woke you up." He twisted to lie on his back and looked up at her. His hand still holding hers.
"And you didn't wake me up?" she asked playfully.
"There was no need. You seemed to be comfortable…and so was I." She blushed. By now the effects of the water had to have worn off. He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. "I assume you know how to keep your mouth shut as well?"
"Yeah, don't worry. This is between you and me. It's no one else's business." She wouldn't betray him like that. Not after he trusted her enough to drink the water. Not after he had cried on her. And as for the kiss and sleeping the night with him in the garden – that was something for her memories and not for idle gossip.
She stretched her legs out to persuade her blood to flow again. Yawning one last time she stood and dusted herself off. "I guess I should go see what Fayt wants."
He grunted. "Seems the blue haired maggot is pestering the others."
"Yeah. He can be such a worry wart. I'll see you at breakfast?"
He nodded. She gave him a smile and turned to enter the castle. "You know," he spoke from behind her. She turned to find he had stood up. He had his arms crossed and was looking down at her. "You could stay here on Elicoor."
"Really? I would like that."
"Just a suggestion. It doesn't matter to me what you do." He didn't wait for a response before he treaded towards the castle.
She shook her head before following him. She knew better. She knew it mattered to him. What was it with men and acting like they didn't care? 'Guess I'll just have to learn how to deal with their stubbornness. And Albel's more stubborn then most.'
She sighed to herself as she parted ways with him and headed toward the chapel. The halls were empty for the most part and her footsteps echoed off the walls. Her thoughts kept replaying the kiss from the previous night over and over. She wanted to go back in time and stay locked in that moment forever.
"Sophia!" She looked up to see Fayt jogging at her. He stopped right in front of her. "Where were you?"
"I was in the garden." Not a lie, she really was in the garden. She didn't need to say more to be truthful.
"I should have known. Yeah, that's where I should have looked to start with before waking everyone up."
"Did you really wake everyone up?"
"Well, yeah. You didn't have the best day yesterday and a few things happened so I wasn't able to talk to you then. So when I couldn't find you this morning, I guess I went a little ballistic and woke the others. Well, everyone but Albel, seems he's gone somewhere."
"Oh. You worry too much. What was it you needed?" She had to change the subject. She didn't want him asking her any questions about Albel. He could always tell when she was lying. The curse of growing up with someone.
"Yeah, I wanted to ask you if you had decided what to do now. Are you going with the Federation?"
She scrunched up her face in disgust. "No."
He giggled at her. "I didn't think so. Why not stay here on Elicoor with me?"
She couldn't breath. He was the second person that asked her to stay. Well, Albel didn't technically ask, but he had mentioned it and she was sure that was his way of asking. But after what happened last night, how could she agree to stay here with Fayt. She felt guilty. She had promised not to tell, but what would she say to Fayt without giving away something she shouldn't.
And where did this come from? He was asking her to stay with him now. She thought that he would leave Elicoor with Maria. The conversation between the three yesterday had suggested that he might.
"What about Maria?"
He rested his hand on his hip and leaned his head sideways. "She said I could always go with her, but it's just not what I want."
'I? She said you could go, not me – not us. She might try to hide it, but I know she wants you all to herself. She seems to only tolerate me because she doesn't want to upset you. I've tried to be her friend, but she rejects me. Of course she wouldn't want me tagging along. Still, why would you want to stay here with me and not go with her?'
"What do you want?" She asked him the one question she was afraid for him to answer.
"Well, I want to be where you are. Besides, the Queen has offered me a job here in the castle and wants me to go to Greeton for a while and try to help with country relations. It seems Greeton is curious about the space crafts they saw in the sky." He smiled and put his hand on her shoulder. "What do you say? Want to see what Greeton's like?"
"I don't know, Fayt. I'm not sure what I'm going to do."
"There you two are." Sophia looked around Fayt as he turned his head to see Nel approaching. "Breakfast is ready. You two should eat."
Fayt let his hand drop and nodded. "Sure. You coming Sophia?"
"Sure." She started to follow Fayt but was stopped by Nel.
"Go on Fayt. We'll be there shortly."
Fayt glanced at the two. "Okay Nel."
Once he was out of sight Nel turned to Sophia. "Seems you have a small problem here."
Sophia bit her lip slightly. "What do you mean exactly?"
"I heard Fayt ask you to go to Greeton with him. I also know that Maria isn't in the best of moods so it is apparent that he turned her down." She shifted from one foot to the other as she talked. "And as for Albel, he's not the type to just sleep with anyone like that. It would seem you have two guys after you right now."
Sophia let her last sentence echo in her head. How did she go from the least noticed to having two guys after her? "I don't know if either is really after me." Well, that was a lie. She knew Albel was, or at least she hoped so. She didn't want to think that the kiss they shared had meant nothing to him. And there had been a sincerity she recognized in Fayt's eyes.
Nel shook her head and gave her a mischievous smile. "Either way, you have a decision to make. Will you go with Fayt, or will you pursue Albel?"
Sophia massaged her forehead with her fingers. Now that was a hard question. She had known Fayt all her life and at one time had been convinced he was the one she would be with. But now she was starting to have affections for Albel. Fayt was open with his feelings where Albel didn't show affection openly. Fayt would say what was on his mind where Albel bit back certain things.
If Fayt wanted her to go with him then that meant he wanted her around. He possibly wanted more. Albel was surrounded by mystery and she wasn't sure of his intentions. She didn't want to think that she wasn't a permanent thing in Albel's life, but she didn't know him as well as she knew Fayt.
So here it was. Her next move was pending. Would she go with Fayt, stay and pursue Albel, or just go her own way?
"Come on," Nel said starting toward the dinning area. "Maybe we should talk more about this after breakfast, if you need someone to talk to."
"Thank you, Nel. Right now, I'm not sure what I need."
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Unknown to our young lass, a certain swordsman had been listening in from the corner. He had heard her talk with Fayt and knew the boy was standing in his way. He had also listened to what Nel had to say. A small relief to him was that our young lass had not agreed to go to Greeton. But his tension had grown when she had admitted she wasn't sure what she would do.
Albel waited until the hall was clear before making his way to the dining area. It would seem there was another battle to fight. This was a battle in which he was not as skilled or experienced in. Fighting monsters and the like were easy enough. But to fight the warfare he faced now was another story. Still, he would not give in to defeat easily.
He smirked as he reminded himself that he had one advantage. He knew there was a new fight to win, but the maggot was completely unaware.
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(A/N) And let the triangle begin. Sorry guys, but I couldn't help it. Honestly, that would be a hard choice for a person to make. Every girl wants a stable relationship and now Sophia is faced with the question as to which guy she can have that with. And she doesn't know Albel like she knows Fayt, so now it's a fight between her heart and her head.