Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.K. Rowling.
A special thank you to TealPup05 for the abundance of new reviews and to FanofBellaandEdward for proof-reading for me :D
Chapter Twenty-One
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Sirius awoke with a jolt, the echoes of screams dying out as the grey light peeked in through the curtains. A chill ran down his spine. He shuddered, and pulled the duvet higher over his shoulders and chin. He didn't need to cast 'Tempus' to deduce that it was barely after 7 o'clock. With a sigh, he collapsed back onto his pillows, reaching out under the blankets for Remus. He felt the cool sheets but nothing else. Frowning, he sat up and squinted through the darkness. The other side of the bed was empty.
Kicking the covers aside, he summoned his robe and tied a clumsy knot at the waist before going downstairs. He tried to calm himself, to rationalise why Remus was awake so early, but the echoes in his mind seemed to swell and hiss in his ears.
All the rooms were empty as he padded along the hallway. The house creaked and groaned around him, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up on end. The floorboards whined under his feet as he made his way to the door of the kitchen. There was a light shining from underneath.
Remus was sitting at the kitchen table, his head buried in his arms as Teddy grizzled in his highchair beside him.
Teddy didn't fuss when he gathered him up in his arms and rocked him gently back and forth. A soft snore came from Remus. He was deeply asleep. With his wand, Sirius levitated the lycan as smoothly as possible before he guided him back up the stairs. It took about fifteen minutes to settle Remus back under the covers without waking him.
It was Christmas holidays, so neither of them had any reason to be awake so early. Deactivating Remus' alarm, Sirius cuddled Teddy closer and left Remus to get some more sleep. As he made his way back downstairs, he couldn't help but feel a little guilty; it was rare that he heard Teddy fussing during the night. He desperately wanted to make it easier on his friend, however after his faux pas a few days ago, that wasn't going to be easy.
In the living room, he set-up a spongey playmat on the floor, settled Teddy on his back and cast a spell for the sensory toys to float in circles above him. His toothless grin and wide eyes as he batted for the dragon rattle was adorable.
.
It wasn't until a few hours later when Draco came down, bleary-eyed and rumpled, carrying Harry on his hip. Sirius raised his eyebrows in amusement as he went to flick through the TV channels.
"Well this is a new development," he grinned as he settled on a kid's show. He reclined back on the sofa. "Since when does Harry go into your room and wake you up?"
"Since you weren't in your bed, he decided to come and jump on me," Draco growled, plonking Harry on the opposite sofa and collapsing onto the cushions beside him. "Have the owls come yet?"
"I haven't checked," Sirius admitted. "Why?"
"I wrote to Mother the other day and she hasn't replied yet. I hope she agrees to coming here Christmas day," he pinched the bridge of his nose. His insides knotted up inside him; the last thing he wanted was to spend Christmas Day without his Mother.
"Has Kingsley approved it?"
"Yes, he sent me the owl yesterday. There will be a lock on the wards for the day, preventing her from leaving once she's here."
Sirius frowned. "As long as it doesn't effect anyone else, I'm sure we'll manage." Draco sat for a while in silence, trying to wake himself up a little more. "Do you want me to make you some coffee?"
"Yes please."
"Okay, mind the children."
"I know the drill."
Regardless of his trust in Draco, Sirius made quick work of fixing up two mugs of coffee and carrying them back into the lounge. He also carried a sippy cup of orange juice in his robe pocket for Harry. They settled down for a little while, just enjoying the silence and watching the bright characters on the TV. As it neared 11 o'clock, Sirius stoked a fire in the grate and lit the Christmas lights that hung up all around the room.
The atmosphere was calm and cosy.
Draco warmed his hands around his cup and cast a look at Sirius who seemed to be as enraptured as Harry in the strange cartoon the TV. "Have you spoken to Remus yet?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"About …?"
"About your little 'love' slip-up the other night?"
Sirius stared at him for a moment before dropping his head. "I knew that was going to bite me in the arse," he grunted, swiping a hand down his face. "Has Remus said anything?"
"No."
"No?"
"He doesn't want to talk about it," Draco shrugged. It wasn't exactly a lie.
"I guess I'll have to talk to him at some point about it," Sirius murmured to himself. His sharp grey eyes focused on Draco once again, before narrowing. "What about you, eh? I've not seen you prancing around with your wand yet."
Draco glowered. "So what? I'm still on probation. Auror's will probably show up as soon as I use a harmless aguamenti."
Sirius snorted. "That isn't the reason at all."
"Oh, cause you'd know?" Draco shot back heatedly.
"Naturally."
"Whatever."
Draco stroked his finger around the rim of his mug. "I just … I'm afraid to use it."
"Whatever for?"
"What if I can't do magic like I used to? What if my wand doesn't respond to me anymore?"
"Why wouldn't it?"
"Harry and I duelled. He won my wand off me … All through the final battle it … it didn't respond the way it should have. When I caught him in the Room of Requirement I …" he swallowed thickly, the hellish fire springing up between his eyelids and making his chest grow hot and tight. "I was afraid to cast any spells in case it went awry. Not that I wanted to!" he added hastily. "It was just that -I was afraid of using it at all!"
"So you're concerned that ownership of the wand belongs to Harry now, and not you?"
"Yes …" he breathed, his voice shaking. "It was why I gave him my wand … when we found out he wasn't dead. I knew it'd work perfectly for him." Draco dropped his head back and sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. "After the war, there were arrests, trials, my own trial and having our wands confiscated. We had them to pack a few things at the manor but … it felt off. Wrong."
"Could it be that you're just over-thinking this a little?"
"I don't know," Draco admitted sullenly. "Wand lore is a tricky enough subject."
"Maybe try some basics and see how things feel?" Sirius shrugged. "Who knows? Things must have improved since the war. Just maybe don't try as hard, hm?"
Draco offered a weak smile but didn't say anything else.
He could happily practise the wand movements, that wasn't an issue. But to actually try and cast any spells? The thought alone made him feel physically sick.
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~Christmas Eve~
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"Are you going to be okay looking after the boys, Andromeda?" Sirius frowned anxiously as Remus reluctantly handed over Teddy.
Andromeda rolled her eyes and tutted. "Sirius, of course I am! We'll have a nice calm evening, play some games and then once Edward is in bed, Draco and I can have some Ogdens by the fire."
Teddy fussed a little and Remus felt his heart clench.
Draco let Teddy wrap his chubby little fist around his forefinger and that seemed to calm the baby down. He gave his guardians a strained, reassuring smile. It was only for one evening. Besides, the Weasley's would fuss too much over Harry's current state.
"Are you sure you don't want me to take Harry as well?" Andromeda asked with a frown.
Sirius automatically stroked the thick black hair on the child hovering by his legs. "That's alright, Andromeda, Molly wants to grill me over my parenting style. I wouldn't want to subject anymore people to that," he gave a smile of thinly veiled contempt. "Besides, if I don't bring Harry she'll shriek like a banshee. It was either this or invite the entire Weasley family over for Christmas tomorrow."
"I don't think my head could take it," Andromeda said in a measured tone. Readjusting her grip on her grandson, she turned towards the fireplace. "Grab the floo for me, Draco dear. We'll see you tomorrow!" she called over her shoulder.
They flooed to Andromeda's house, leaving Sirius and Remus alone in the entrance with Harry.
Sirius sighed heavily, as though a huge weight were sitting on his chest. "I suppose we should get this over with."
Remus shot the older man with a sardonic smile. "You cannot drink the night away this time, Paddy. You have a child to consider."
"And I'm sure, when he's old enough, he'll appreciate the predicament I was in," Sirius replied drily.
"Shall we side-along?"
"Yes. I'm not risking landing face-first into the turkey."
Harry silently let both men take his hands before he felt a strange spinny feeling. They landed in a field, the air as cold as ice and a wind that cut through their coats. Harry huddled closer to Sirius. Said man bent down to scoop him up and then they were making their way up the pebbled path towards a rather lop-sided house.
Harry tilted his head from side-to-side trying to make out which way was up.
Remus had barely raised his hand to knock when the door swung open to reveal Molly Weasley.
"There you boys are!" she chided as if they were her children. "Get inside, quick, before you freeze!"
"She seems to have forgotten magic exists," Sirius murmured so that only Remus could hear.
"Shh!" Remus grinned, swatting Sirius' back as they ducked to enter the front door of the Burrow.
Setting Harry down, Sirius crouched down to take off his godson's coat before resting both hands on the kid's shoulders. "Now Harry, I just want you to know that things might get a little loud tonight. If they do, I want you to come to me or Remus and we can go home, okay?"
Harry worried his bottom lip. "What if I don't want to go home but it's still too loud?"
Remus smiled as he crouched down beside Sirius. "Then come to us anyway and we can take you somewhere quieter, okay?"
Harry nodded.
"And if anyone asks you any questions, you're allowed not to answer them, okay pup?"
Harry nodded again, smiling a little. "I don't mind if it's a little noisy. Can we go and eat now?"
Both men chuckled. "Soon, pup, dinner probably isn't read yet."
"DINNER'S READY!" came Molly's shrill voice through the kitchen.
Sirius dropped his head in resignation. "I guess I was wrong."
Remus chuckled again as he straightened up, his amber eyes scanning around the lower lever. Glowing lanterns hung from every exposed beam of the Burrow, candles and tea lights were lit on most flat surfaces, often accompanied with a gold glittery holder, the Christmas tree was a mish-mash of brightly coloured tinsel and sleigh bells and shiny stars seemed to hover throughout the air.
There was a small pile of brightly wrapped presents underneath the Christmas tree and Remus quickly unshrunk the presents that had been purchased weeks ago, before levitating them over to join the pile.
He drew in a deep breath and felt his heart clench. This should be his first Christmas with Dora and Teddy. Instead, he didn't even have Teddy at his side. Maybe he should just go to Andromeda's after-all? Sirius didn't need him here, did he?
Before they walked into the kitchen, Sirius stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay, Remmy?"
"Just a bit …" he trailed off.
Understanding flooded Sirius's grey eyes and damn everything! Why did he just know how Remus was feeling? Was he that obvious?
"Do you want to go and see Teddy?"
"I just … I'm not sure I can …"
Sirius waited patiently, but Remus shook his head, unable to finish that train of thought. "Why don't we have something to eat and see how you feel, eh? Then, if you want, you can go to Andromeda's."
"I just feel like … I'm ruining everything."
"Don't be silly!" Sirius scoffed. "The only reason I even have the strength to face Christmas this year alone is because of you and the boys."
"Okay," Remus closed his eyes and drew in another deep breath. "Okay you're right. No use having Molly be mad at us for the rest of our lives. It'd be worse than when she's concerned with us."
Sirius hummed but didn't say anything.
They walked along the lower level until they were in the kitchen, the long dining table spread out with gaudy table clothes, brightly coloured napkins and numerous, heaving plates of food already sat proudly in the middle of it all. Shiny crackers sat on each plate. Slowly, family members arrived from all corners and started to take their seats. There was no real rhyme or reason to the seating arrangements.
"Sirius, Remus, you came!" Hermione smiled as she turned the corner. She squeezed past the tightly packed chairs and reached up to hug both of them. "I'm so glad you could make it." Her eyes dropped down to Harry. Sirius tensed, holding Harry's hand a little tighter. Hermione crouched down, still smiling and offered her hand to Harry. "Would you like to come and sit between me and Sirius, Harry? We can pull a Christmas cracker together?"
Harry glanced up at Sirius as though asking if that was okay. Sirius had no qualms with Hermione, so he smiled easily and nodded. "That would be lovely, Hermione, thank you. Harry, what do you say to Hermione?"
"Hullo Herminnie."
Hermione smiled and said, "It's a bit of a long name, isn't it? You can call me something else if you like?"
Harry tilted his head a little, his glasses slipping about on his nose. "Can I call you Minnie? I like Minnie Mouse, she's my favourite!"
"Can I tell you a secret?" Hermione whispered. "She's my favourite too!"
Sirius and Remus followed Hermione along one side of the table. Ron was already sitting down; he raised his hand to shake Remus and Sirius's before grinning down at Harry. "Hey there, mate, how are you?"
"I'm really starving!" Harry beamed.
"I know! Let's get some food, eh? My mum's a good cook."
Harry's face fell a little. "I don't have a mum that cooks. But Daddy cooks really well! I love his bangers and mash!"
Ron laughed. "Is that so? Well I hope you like my mums food as well. She makes the best dessert!"
"I don't think I've ever had dessert, have I daddy?" Harry turned to glance up at Sirius.
Lifting his godson up and into the chair beside Hermione, Sirius sat down and nodded. "Of course, you have, love. Dessert is what ice cream, cake, jelly and other sweeties are."
"Oh … I like desserts then," he turned his beam back to Ron who seemed unable to stop grinning.
Remus watched the interaction, fascinated, as he slipped into the seat beside Sirius, his chin propped on his hand. There was something easy about the way Harry was able to cope with everything at this age. He knew the child hadn't been this way with the Dursely's but if he was this at ease, this care-free and harry … maybe what he'd done to himself hadn't been a sudden surge of melancholy or a form of depression? Maybe he just wanted a better childhood to deal with his present predicament better?
It was still idiotic but … Remus felt as though he could understand what made Harry boil over to come to such a decision.
Ginny and George arrived last and took the remaining seats, opposite Remus and Sirius. Ginny's eyes fixed straight onto Harry and both men seemed to straighten at her sudden fascination. They knew things had been strained between the two in the months after the war. Harry had kept his distance, barely even going out of his way for any public appearances or to attend any of the trials. He hadn't been in any fit state with nightmares almost every night.
He'd even kept a distance from Ron and Hermione, but they were more understanding.
There was something about Ginny that reminded Remus too much of her mother, despite no one else thinking that. It was the strong-headedness, he'd decided a few months prior. She had will and determination and, while that was good, she also didn't like to be told 'no'.
George on the other hand looked like a husk; his skin was pale, making his freckles stand out like dust flecks across his skin, and his hair seemed to hang limply against his forehead. He sat down low with his shoulders hunched and his mouth clamped shut. He spared Harry a cursory glance and Remus was sure the corner of his mouth twitched.
It felt alien to see George without Fred.
It was as though George had died along with his twin, and someone was pulling the strings of this George-shaped puppet as a pale replacement for the actual thing.
It broke Remus's heart.
The strange atmosphere was shattered as Molly bustled into the dining room the roast chicken -there was already a roast turkey on the table, but she'd stated that whenever she cooked one or the other, someone would always complain. So, she cooked both.
The chatter didn't stop as people passed the food around and started loading their plates. Sirius asked Harry gently what he wanted to eat. The shy child pointed at a few dishes and was rewarded with a small helping on his plate. Sirius smoothed Harry's black hair down and pressed a kiss to his forehead.
Christmas crackers were pulled, bad jokes were told, and over-sized tissue paper hats were plopped onto everyone's head. The laughter still felt somewhat forced, as though if everyone laughed loud enough, they could ignore the vacant space on George's other side, or the scars marring Bill's face.
Molly seemed good at distracting herself by never taking a breath. Ron murmured to Hermione that mum was trying too hard. If she stopped for a moment, she'd think about Fred, and then she'd burst into tears. Sirius saw how Molly's eyes darted to the empty chair at the end of the table and her eye shone with unshed tears, but she ploughed on. More specifically, she took to doting on Harry whenever she seemed able.
"Harry, dear, do you want any more Yorkshire pudding?" Molly asked.
Harry blushed and shook his head.
"Are you sure? You haven't eaten a lot."
"I'm saving room," Harry said.
"For what, dear?"
"For desserts!"
Molly chuckled. "There's plenty of time for dessert, Harry. You can't have any if you don't eat all your vegetables though."
"He's already had lots of carrots and peas," Sirius smiled. "He eats them first because he doesn't really like them."
"Then he can try and eat some more. That way you can grow big and strong," Molly continued, turning her attention back to Harry.
Harry kept his eyes on his plate, not wanting to be drawn into an argument. He obediently reached for the large serving spoon and dropped some more mixed veg onto his plate and started picking at it.
Sirius bristled. "I'll thank you not to force him to eat, Molly."
"You have to be firm with children, Sirius. None of mine turn down any food, and when my grandchildren come along, they'll learn to appreciate a good meal."
"Are Bill and Fleur expecting?" came the acidic reply.
"I meant when any of my grandchildren come along," was Molly's tight response. "It'll be exactly the same for Ron and Ginny, too, when they have children."
"I didn't realise you were dating someone, Ginny," Remus chimed in, trying to take the pressure away from Sirius.
Ginny's cheeks turned a little pink. "I -I'm not," she tightened her jaw and lowered her eyes. "Harry and I … were meant to talk after the war, but he got good at avoiding me."
The room fell silent.
Remus wanted to kick himself. Clearing his throat, he said, "Well, it's been a difficult time for everybody. We just have to pick ourselves up as best we can and carry on."
George made a quiet snorting sound but didn't say anything else. Remus didn't have the heart to berate the young man. It would only cause more tension than there already. Throughout his awkward divergence of Ginny's conversation, Sirius and Molly had been bickering about Merlin knew what.
"I appreciate how hard it's all been for him," Ginny ground out. "I just hate being treated like a dumb kid. He did it during the war but we're not in a war right now. He should have … spoken to me."
"Gin, he didn't even talk to us about doing this," Ron said placatingly. "It was as much a shock for us as it was for you."
Ginny scoffed and rolled her eyes.
Both Hermione and Remus opened their mouths to argue when Molly's shrill voice cut through the air.
"HE'S NOT JAMES, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT HIM TO BE!"
"I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE OUT THAT HE'S JAMES!"
"You're so desperate for him to be James that you've agreed to this stupid plan of his!"
"He knew the risks. I advised against it but I can't stop him from doing anything dangerous ever!"
"No! You just encourage it like you do with Remus. Like you always did with James, egging him on!"
Remus glanced down and saw that Harry was pressing himself back into his chair, his green eyes wide with fear. Hermione had her arm around his shoulders, trying to coax him to turn away, but he was transfixed and trembling.
Standing up, Remus gripped Sirius' shoulder and leaned into his ear, "Sirius, calm down. You're scaring Harry."
Sirius froze. He turned and crouched down before Harry and took his little hands into his own. "I'm sorry, love, I didn't mean to get angry."
Turning his amber eyes to Molly, Remus drew himself to his full height. "You have no right to say any of what you just did. Sirius is doing his best to give Harry a decent childhood. We're making the best of our current situation. DO NOT undermine Sirius' efforts just because he didn't give Harry over to you."
"He would have been happier here!"
"He's happy where he is," Remus tried to keep the growl out of his voice. "With his Dad."
"He's not his -!"
"MUM!"
All heads turned to see George hunched over the table, his face screwed up as though he were in pain. Molly's mouth worked soundlessly but she didn't utter a word.
"You cannot control everything. Having Harry live with us wouldn't have made it all better! It wouldn't have given you a son back. Nothing we can ever do will ever bring Fred back to us! So just … stop the goddamn fighting. The war is done, it's over." He stood up, raked a hand through his red hair and clenched his jaw. "Stop acting so selfish, spoiled and pathetic. All of you."
Without a backwards glance, he stalked out of the kitchen and hurried up the stairs. Somewhere above, a door slammed shut.
Sirius ran a hand down his face and gave Harry a squeeze. "Can you look after him for a few minutes?" he asked Hermione. "I need some fresh air."
Hermione and Ron nodded as Harry was settled back in his seat.
Sirius tickled Harry's cheek before turning and walking out the back door. Remus followed him close behind.
.
The back garden was illuminated with thousands of floating lights along the perimeter, contrasting with the vast blackness that engulfed them from every side. The long grass hissed as a sharp breeze blew, and the dark clouds overhead seemed to suppress all the sound around them. Sirius was standing at the far end of the garden, his back to the house and his hands buried in his pockets. It was cold.
Remus hunched his shoulders and cast a mild warming charm on both of them as he came to stand by Sirius. Tilting his head back he looked up into the inky sky and wished, for a moment, that the clouds would part and he could see the moon and the stars.
"You know she's only doing it to get a rise out of you," he murmured.
"Hm."
"You shouldn't rise to the bait."
"It's hard when she acts as though no one else is allowed to be a parent except for her."
"That's just how she is," Remus sighed, his breath pluming up before him. "You can't lose your temper like that in front of Harry."
"I know … I know."
"Do you want to come back in? Arthur says we can have dessert in about an hour."
"Hm."
"Sirius … I'm on your side, you know."
"I know."
"So, come back inside before you get sick."
Another long, weary sigh escaped him before he nodded. "Alright, let's go back in," he grumbled.
.
The Burrow was more subdued when everyone gathered back at the table for dessert. Harry had been playing a game of Exploding Snap with Ron and Hermione, much to his delight. They'd even managed to coax George back down to have something, although he went back to his seat at the end of the table, hunched his shoulders and kept his gaze on his bowl.
Once the cake, Christmas pudding, and ice cream for Harry, was dished out, the soft murmurs of several conversations at once started up. Sirius was glad to have a reason to ignore the glances Molly kept shooting him from the other end of the table.
"Sirius, Ron and I have been talking about the Prophet," Hermione piped up. They were sat across from Remus and Sirius near the end of the table, affording them a little privacy from Molly.
"What about it?" Remus asked.
"We were thinking about how there's a lot of speculation about Harry's whereabouts since the battle and how no one's seen him recently," she hedged.
"Okay?"
"We were thinking about Polyjuice potion."
Remus's eyebrows shot up into his hairline. Sirius leaned closer; his brow furrowed. "What exactly are you suggesting?"
"Like at the start of seventh year when we had to rescue Harry from Privet Drive, we used Polyjuice potion so that seven of us could look like Harry and divert the Death Eaters."
"I see," Sirius turned his frown to Remus. "You never told me this happened."
A shrug. "It would have come up at some point. And now it has."
Sirius tensed his jaw but tried to calm down. "Okay," he said turning back to Ron and Hermione. "How do you think that will help?"
"We were thinking one of us could Polyjuice as Harry and be out with one or both of us and purposefully get photographed in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade."
"That way they can speculate about why Harry's been so quiet, but not think that he's vanished off the face of the earth," Ron supplied.
"You'd need hairs from him," Remus frowned. "Old hairs. If you take ones off his head now, you would turn into a six-year-old Harry."
Hermione frowned and bit her lip. "Did he use a hairbrush at yours?" she asked Sirius.
"Yeah, I use a different one now."
"Okay that should work," she mused. "Then we can turn into eighteen year old Harry's."
"How are you going to stop the press from talking to you?" Remus asked. "After seeing Harry for the first time in six months, they'll fall on you like wolves."
"I'll have to look up some barrier charms for that," Hermione admitted. "Now we just need to find time to brew the Polyjuice potion. It'll take about a month to brew it properly, and of course it'll be difficult to get the ingredients as well as study for everything else."
Ron smiled and shook his head and she rambled.
"Draco can brew the potion," Remus said.
Several heads turned to look at him, including Molly and Arthur. Ignoring the slight tension in the air, Hermione nodded with a relieved smile. "That would be brilliant! I'm more than happy to help in any way I can, but it would be great to be able to brew it without so many distractions."
"I'm sure Draco wouldn't mind. We've kitted out his lab in the cellar to the best we could," Sirius beamed proudly. "Just send him an owl and discuss the finer details."
"I'm sure as long as no one accidentally ends up with cats ears and a tail, we'll be fine," Ron snickered, earning him a jab in the ribs from Hermione.
"You really trust that snake to make a potion that doesn't poison you?" Ginny curled her lip from beside Ron. She sucked some cream from the end of her spoon.
"Why wouldn't we?" Hermione frowned. "Draco's changed. We all have. I really believe he's doing his best to better himself."
"He can change what he is on the outside, but inside he's still going to be Malfoy's son."
"I trust him to brew my wolfsbane," Remus said coldly, his eyes hardening. "I haven't any complications. If anything, he's made it as seamlessly as Severus did."
"Yet," Ginny said.
"I'll have you know, Miss Weasley, that my cousin is doing his best to right his wrongs and is making amends for his pureblood views. He's showing a great deal of maturity on the matter, all things considered. Unlike you, who's sulking around the house like an immature teenager who can't get over her fangirl crush." Leaning against the table, he barred his teeth, his grey eyes wide and stormy. "Harry clearly has a lot to deal with since he died for us. Maybe you should think about someone else for a change."
"Well you died, and you came back fine!" Ginny retorted hotly.
Sirius glowered. In one swift movement, he'd downed his drink and stooped to gather Harry up in his arms. "Come on, love, we're going home."
"But I want to stay and play more snaps!" Harry protested.
"Another time, pup, we need to get you into bed so Santa can visit."
"Will he bring my presents?"
"If we go now, then yes, he'll bring all the presents."
"Okay!" Leaning over Sirius' shoulder, Harry waved enthusiastically at the stunned faces of the Weasley's. "Bye everyone! Daddy's taking me home now!"
Molly looked as though she was about to correct him, but Arthur's hand on her arm and a firm shake of his head stopped her. Instead she gave a tight smile and said, "We'll see you soon, Harry dear."
Sirius strode outside, not bothering with their coats, and apparated with a sharp crack.
Remus hung his head, casting a disappointed look at Ginny who cowered under his gaze. "Ginny, I would learn to watch my mouth around my elders if I were you. Especially those elders who survived twelve years in Azkaban and escaped."
"Remus! Are you threatening my daughter?!"
Sighing, Remus turned his attention to Molly. "Of course not, Molly. I'm merely reminding her the sheer psychological cesspit of Sirius', and now Harry's, mind, and that she should watch her tongue on matters she knows nothing about."
"Oh, and you do?" Ginny snapped, fully seething now. Her cheeks took on an ugly red colour that clashed with her hair.
Downing his drink, Remus stood up from the table. "I hope you all have a pleasant Christmas tomorrow. Hermione," he turned to her with an apologetic look, "I'll tell Draco to start brewing some Polyjuice to have on stand-by. Make sure you owl him as soon as you're able."
"I will," she replied meekly.
Remus gathered the coats from the entrance and slung them over his arm. Stepping out into the frigid night air, he inhaled deeply, trying to dispel the ugly, hot angry that permeated his mind. As soon as he felt a little clearer, he disparated on the spot.
~0~
Remus landed heavily on the pavement outside Grimmauld place.
He spoke the address, waited for the house to present itself to him before slipping through the wards. He mounted the steps to the front door and went inside.
The house was gloomy and empty. There was no sign of life. A quick check upstairs showed that Harry was safely tucked into his bed with a nightlight on.
He eventually found Sirius in the back garden.
Sliding open the back door, he traipsed over the long, frosted grass and settled onto the ground beside his friend. There was an open bottle of firewhiskey beside him. Sirius picked it up and offered it to him without so much as a glance. Remus took a swig and gasped as it scorched down his throat.
They didn't speak as they passed the bottle back and forth until it was empty.
Lying down on the grass Sirius let out a sigh, his breath rising in a cloud above his parted lips. A tremor ran down Remus' spine; it reminded him too much of the Dementor's trying to suck out your soul. Casting a warming charm on both of them, he reluctantly sprawled out on the grass, the blade crunching under his weight.
"There are times when I think Molly is right," Sirius murmured. Remus turned his head to look at his friend. "I don't think anything could have prepared me for fatherhood. I can't understand how James did it."
"He had more time to process it," Remus replied. "Look at me; I had loads of time and I'm barely holding it together."
"Do you think they'd be proud of us?"
Remus frowned. "Wherever they are? I really hope so. We're both trying so damn hard. I want them to be proud of us."
They lie there in silence, watching the dark clouds rolling over head. Every so often a star would wink through at them before becoming obscured again. Sirius looked down between their bodies and reached out to take Remus' hand. His insides flipped a little as he slid their fingers together, the lycan's skin was cold and calloused in his hand. He held on for a few moments, before Remus pulled away and pushed himself into a sitting position.
"Sirius I … I can't. It's not fair to Dora …"
Sirius forced himself upright as well, leaning on his bent knees to get a proper look at Remus. "Hurting yourself won't bring her back, Remus," he placed a firm hand on the other man's shoulder and squeezed. "Denying yourself happiness won't bring her back."
"I should hurt for as long as I miss her."
"You will always miss her. You're never not going to miss her, Remus," Sirius sighed. "That doesn't mean you can't make the pain more bearable."
"I don't want you to be a means to an end, Sirius. You're worth more than that." Remus looked up into his friend's eyes and Sirius had to bite his tongue to snap a retort.
The anguish bubbling inside Remus was enough to make his own heart ache. He wanted to reach out to Remus as the man stood up and brushed cold grass from his trousers, but he was afraid of being brushed aside. He didn't think he would be able to take anymore hostility or rejection from him, not matter how unintentional it was.
He watched Remus retreat back across the garden, mount the patio steps and then slip inside the back door. The sound of the door being closed gave off a ring of finality that echoed through his bones.
With a heavy heart, Sirius collapsed back on the frosty grass. He lied there on the grass in the back garden until the sky started to lose some of the inky blackness, and the robins chirruped that Christmas Day had officially started. His body twitched and shivered from the long hours out in the cold, and he was almost sure his lips had turned blue, but he didn't feel a thing.
He was numb.
A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this update! Apologies for any spelling errors. Please read and review, it keeps me sane in these dull, long times of Lockdown. Hope you are all keeping safe and well.
Belle x