The Short Game 12
Author's Note: We probably have 1-2 chapters after this one bf the story comes to a close. Let me know what you think!
UUUUUU
Liz carefully stepped back from Agnes' room and shut the door. She had sat with the asleep baby on her for a long time, thinking about how to talk about what happened tonight. She wasn't sure how she felt about all of it, but she knew they needed to talk honestly about it.
"Hey," Ressler said as he shoved his arm in his coat.
"You're leaving?" Liz asked.
"Yeah, I…" he took a deep breath and shook his head. "Liz, you know she's said it before and I don't know what to say about…"
She saw the anguish on his face and knew that she did know how he felt. All of the lists she composed in her head, all of the worry she had about everything, all of her guilt about Tom…it all melted away in the moment she saw how torn he was, how scared he was. Her fucking therapist was right, she needed to follow her heart and trust it. It may have lead her astray with Tom but it wasn't with Ressler.
"Stay," she said quietly as she reached for his sleeve and tugged at it.
He sighed and placed his hands on his hips looking down at the floor.
Liz stepped toward him and wrapped her arms around his waist and melded her body to his. Eventually, his arms wrapped around her as well.
"Stay," she said into his jacket.
She felt him nod above her and relaxed into her embrace.
"I'm sorry," Liz said, her voice muffled. "I got scared or…I don't know."
She felt him grip her a little tighter. "I didn't know you hearing it would…"
"I know," she said softly. "And I want you to know…"
She pulled back and looked up at him with watery eyes.
"It had nothing to do with you," she said definitively. "And everything to do with the fact that I am responsible for Tom's death."
"You aren't…"
"I am," Liz nodded. "I wanted him gone and Reddington…"
"Because he sexually assaulted you," Ressler said with a raised eyebrow. "Liz, it's not like you woke up one morning and put a hit out on…"
"I know," Liz conceded. "But I'm the reason he's not going to get to see her grow up, that she won't ever have…"
Ressler swallowed hard. He had kept his feelings about Tom to himself, but despite him being Agnes' biological father, he doubted Tom would be a good dad. And a man that sexually assaulted the woman he apparently loved was not a man he wanted to influence Agnes. She wasn't his, but he had strong opinions about the man and the role he could have had in Agnes' life, had he lived.
"I get that," Ressler interrupted. "I do."
She sighed. She knew he didn't like Tom, even less so after what happened. And she knew Tom being a good parent to Agnes was not guaranteed. But today, when Agnes said it for the first time in front of her, it hit home. It really hard that she was responsible for Tom never hearing them and Agnes never knowing him.
She pulled at his coat and tugged it down his arms, throwing it over a nearby chair. Liz pulled at his arm, and they settled onto the sofa.
"Ressler," Liz said as she took his hand in hers. "You're her dad."
Ressler felt as if a lump was caught in his throat and his heart was pounding out of his chest.
"Tom may have helped create her," Liz said. "But you and I both know you're going to be the one to raise her with me."
She saw his one eye water slightly and she looked away and wiped at her own.
"She loves you," Liz said. "And she just said what we both already knew. You're her dad. She said her first words about you. About who you are to her. And I finally got to hear them. I over-reacted and…I just wasn't ready."
He nodded and rubbed his hands together, still not sure that everything was really okay.
They had been sitting eating dinner talking about the arrests in the domestic help case, and taking turns spooning baby cereal into Agnes' mouth. It was Ressler's turn and he was too busy talking and chewing for Agnes' liking and she smacked her tray and yelled 'da da' at him. Both Liz and Ressler turned to her surprised. Agnes gave Ressler a huge smile and said it again. He, of course, smiled back.
Ressler looked toward Liz and saw that she was panicked. She quickly stood, told Agnes it was time for a bath and scooped her up leaving Ressler alone at the table.
He had cleaned everything up from dinner, considered going to her to talk about it, and had paced a little before deciding he maybe should just leave. That was when she caught him.
"I love you," Liz said as she took his hand in hers. "Agnes loves you. And you love us."
"I do," Ressler nodded.
"I panicked," Liz apologized. "I'm sorry. It's…an adjustment."
"An adjustment?" Ressler asked.
"Ressler, you've been her dad. Changing her diapers, feeding her, rocking her to sleep, you're her dad and I'm adjusting to her calling you that."
"I've been here all along," Ressler said, confused.
"And I love you for that," Liz said. "You deserve to be her dad. You deserve to be her dad more than I deserve to be her mom some days."
"Liz, don't…" Ressler started.
"No, Ressler, I've been tied up in my head a lot, in my guilt, in my recovery" Liz said softly. "And when I was, you were there. You were there to hold this family together. Our family. And I haven't…and when she said that, I should have…I'm sorry."
"Liz, I don't hold anything against you," Ressler said.
"You should," Liz said. "I should be thrilled she called you daddy."
"Should?" Ressler asked.
"I am," Liz said with a smile. "I really am, Ressler."
He nodded.
"But you shouldn't ever doubt that you're her dad," Liz said. "I'm proud of that. And she's lucky to have you. She'll always be lucky to have you."
Ressler swallowed hard.
She turned her body toward him and took his hand in hers.
"I'm asking you now for a couple of years from now," Liz started as she circled his ring finger with her thumb and forefinger. "Because I want this, and I hope you want this…"
"But you're proposing now?"
"I'm locking you down," Liz smirked at him.
Ressler chuckled loudly.
"You're locking me down?" Ressler asked with raised eyebrows.
"You're a hot commodity," Liz smirked. "My hot commodity."
"I am, am I?" Ressler said as he played with her fingers.
"And you're my little girl's dad," Liz said. "I want you around for the rest of her life, and mine."
"And you want to marry me to guarantee that?" Ressler asked.
"I want you," Liz said. "And I want a house, and our daughter, and…"
"Our?" Ressler asked.
"Get used to it," Liz said as she leaned forward and kissed him softly. "I am."
To be continued…