Hmm? Oh, yes I'll carry on with this story now. My apologies for the long wait, I needed a catnap. Let's see… ah, of course. Si Shui gate…
After the short time of relative peace following the rebellion of the YCTPW, another odd little human decided he too would attempt to take over the land. Maybe it was becoming the new fashion… So anyway, this strange little person, known as Dong Zhuo, Lord Dong Zhuo, Zhuo or That Warty Old Toad to his 'fellow' humans, went and made himself the Prime Minister after disposing of the rightful heir to the throne and replacing him with the puppet Emperor Xian, who really was a puppet…
I can imagine that you are thoroughly bored with the modern version of what happened at the battle of Si Shui gate. I am too. What really happened is as follows…
Yuan Shao looked around imperiously. "Right then. We all know what we're doing, correct?"
The occupants of the room nodded as one.
"Good."
There was an awkward silence. Yuan Shao sat there eating grapes. After a while he looked around the room and took a deep breath. "Okay. So we all know what it is that we're all supposed to be doing, right?"
The other generals looked a little puzzled for a moment, but they nodded anyway.
Yuan Shao smiled. "Excellent."
There was another uncomfortable pause.
Yuan Shao chewed a grape. "So, I am correct in thinking that we all know what to do?"
The generals were completely perplexed by now. They nodded slowly.
"Wonderful."
Shao studied a grape for what seemed like an age. He sighed. "As a result of listening to the plan, I am assuming that we all know what to do, true?"
Cao Cao frowned and turned to Liu Bei. "Am I the only one who keeps having repeated déja vu?"
Liu Bei shook his head. "No… I don't know why, but I keep getting that too…"
Cao Cao stroked his goatee. "Hmmm… I wonder why…"
Yuan Shu groaned. He was the only one in the room that knew about his father's short term memory loss.
At the battle, when the Generals had finally managed to escape Yuan Shao…
The army was charging out on to the battlefield, cutting down the swarms of indigo soldiers as they went. Liu Bei's unit had just arrived to help Yuan Shu and morale was high.
That was when the problems started.
Yuan Shu gave a theatrical shriek. "Oh no! There's an enemy base in the way! Oh well," He shrugged. "It looks like we can't deliver the supplies to lord Sun Jian!"
A private gawked at him. "Sir, why don't we just take the base?"
Yuan Shu glowered at him. "Thanks a bunch."
"What!"
"Huh? Oh nothing, nothing at all! Not like I don't want to give the supplies to Lord Sun Jian or anything like that…" He laughed nervously.
The private stared. "Whatever." And he walked off, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like: "Weirdo…"
The base was easily taken and the supplies were taken to Sun Jian. Sun Jian's forces ate too many pork buns and got indigestion. Cao Cao and Liu Bei were arguing over cabbage. Yuan Shao had forgotten where he was and what he was doing. Yuan Shu was completely put off. Life was good. For about three seconds.
Without warning, a cockroach sitting on a crimson rabbit burst forth from Si Shui gate. Yup. A giant cockroach on a huge red bunny rabbit. I have witnesses.
"WHO DARES FACE THE MIGHTY LU BU!"
A troop screamed. "It…it…i...it…i…m…Lu… rabb…cockro…"
This went on for a little while and the other troops, the cockroach and his rabbit waited patiently for the private to finish.
"I…Bu… red… i… is… oh… he…help u…wha…bu…we…bunn…feath… IT'S LU BU!"
By this time Lu Bu and the other soldiers had fallen asleep, giving Cao Cao and Liu Bei, who were still rambling on about cabbage, the opportunity to sneak into the enemy camp…
For anyone who thinks that Hua Xiong will be defeated and the land will live in peace forever more and this will be an unforgivably short chapter, you are entirely wrong. If only life was that simple…
For outside of the gate, Lu Bu was awakening… and it looked like he was getting up the wrong side of bed… err, floor…
Lu Bu roared. The private started stuttering again. Cao Cao and Liu Bei finally shut up. The red bunny rabbit nibbled on a giant pink carrot. Yuan Shu fainted. Yuan Shao had no idea what was going on.
Shao grinned and walked up to Lu Bu. "I say, nice pony, sir."
Lu Bu stared. "Ummm… that's not a pony…"
"Hmmm, well I hate to disagree, but I think you'll find that it's snowing."
"Ahh," Lu Bu paused. "I didn't say anything about the weather…"
"No, no, no. You just can't wear a pink skirt with a green t-shirt!"
Lu Bu was thoroughly confused by now. "Huh?"
"Ah, well. We can't all have so many doorknobs as I do…"
Lu Bu was totally bewildered. And when he was totally bewildered, he tended to start breaking things.
"I am totally bewildered, and when I am totally bewildered, I tend to start breaking things."
Ah. You can see where I got my lines from, huh?
Yuan Shao smiled. "Nice to meet you!"
It is not recorded in any of the history volumes I have read that Yuan Shao had a memory like a sieve. Just goes to show how much modern historians know… they don't even think I exist! The cheek!
Lu Bu was furious. Steam spouted from his nose and ears as he advanced towards Yuan Shao.
Shao grinned. "Someone left the kettle on."
Lu Bu took a step towards Yuan Shao and raised his halberd high above his head. "DIE FORGETFUL SCUM!"
And that is where my memory fails me. Only kidding, I remember every single detail; I just want to pause for dramatic effect. You probably know what happens anyway. Hmm… so yes, my dramatic pause: ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. All done.
Lu Bu brought down his halberd and everyone screwed their eyes tightly shut as Shao grinned up at Lu Bu. The generals and troops surrounding them covered their eyes. Lu Bu gave an almighty cry… and slowly lowered his halberd, looking confused.
"Hang on… what am I doing? What's going on? Where am I? Who am I?"
Yuan Shu groaned. "It's contagious…"
A private near him sighed. "And catching…"
Hua Xiong was eventually driven mad by Lu Bu's forgetfulness and surrendered to the Han forces when they told him it was contagious… and catching.
FINISHED THE CHAPTER! Finally...
Jianus: Aww, it's okay, I sent Washington Jiao to hospital. And the octupus will be back... so stay tuned...
CKN: Too kind. Tea is grown in China you know. And if it wasn't for the pork-bun carriers, Huang Gai would never have killed Zhang Jiao, so you have a lot to thank them for really, not a bad way to go...