Finally, Hu Lao gate...

Disclaimer: Just as a reminder, I do NOT own Dynasty Warriors!

Shortly after the battle of Si Shui gate Dong Zhuo himself decided to engage the Han army with his own, main force. At a place called Hu Lao gate. Dong Zhuo liked his gates. Again, Yuan Shao would be leading the Han forces to victory… or, in the worst-case scenario: to total forgetfulness. In case the latter became reality, troops were put through a drill code named 'Contagious… and catching.'…

"Right, you all happy with that?"

"YES SIR!"

Another session of the 'Contagious... and catching' Drill had just ended, and Huang Gai was making sure that the troops knew what to do.

One sergeant frowned. "Happy with what!"

The result: instant turmoil.

"CODE BLUE! FORGETFULNESS IMMINENT!"

The swarm of troops got into pairs and gabbled out random personal facts to each other. Their conversations went something like this:

"Hi! I'm Hua Bei, I love eating rice and my sister once dyed my hair green."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Zhu Sha, and I think Huang Gai should wash himself 'cos he stinks!"

Huang Gai glared at Zhu Sha.

Amidst the noise of people yelling weird and wonderful facts about themselves to each other a certain sergeant unexpectedly snorted, giggled, chuckled and then rolled on the floor laughing his head off. All heads turned his way.

"Hah! You fell for it! You thought I really had lost my memory!"

The troops exchanged meaningful glances. One walked up to the sergeant and prodded him.

"What are you talking about? Who are you?"

The sergeant stopped laughing. "Heh, very funny."

Another troop looked confusedly at him. "I don't look like cabbage, do I?"

The sergeant got up and backed away "Yeah, yeah, joke's over guys…"

One of the new recruits grinned stupidly. "Yeah, Huang Gai's Grandma does look like a donkey!"

"Umm, guys?" The sergeant's eyes widened and he backed off, veerrryy slooowwlly…

"I like cheese."

The sergeant ran off, as fast as his legs could carry him.

And as soon as he was out of sight…

"Sucker…"

"Yeah, can't believe he fell for it."

"Hmm…"

Huang Gai turned to the new recruit, frowning. "There was no need for the donkey-grandma comment though."

All that and I haven't even finished introducing the chapter yet. You just wait 'till Chi Bi. I will go on and on in that chapter. I still haven't stopped gloating over the fact that Wu defeated Wei even though the odds were against them. Ahem, I'm getting ahead of myself here. So, yeah, as I was saying, the Han forces were busy preparing for the upcoming battle, meanwhile however, someone was having trouble convincing two comrades to allow them to fight in the battle that most of the troops were all too eager to escape from…

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

Diao Chan pouted. She had already asked the same question to Lu Bu 30… no more like 40 times.

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

Zhang Liao gaped at her.

"What?"

"Well… it's nothing really…but…"

"But?"

"I was just wondering… how is it that you manage to say 'please' the same number of times every time you ask?"

Don't believe him? He's right. Look back. How many times does she say 'please' in her first question? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, no, wait! Stop at eight! Oooh… I made a rhyme… no, wait; stop at eight… hmmm… ahem. Yes, so eight 'pleases', okay. And the next time? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9… not nine, eight… I knew that… ah, yes… so eight times, yeah. I'll shut up now.

Lu Bu thought about it. You could almost hear the cogs turning in his head. "Yeeaah… you do… do you, like, count or something?"

"No, I…" Diao Chan suddenly flew into a rage. "STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"

"I… wasn't… whatever…" Zhang Liao trailed off.

"Soooo, can I go?"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Yes."

Diao Chan gave an unexpected grin and hugged Lu Bu. "Thank you!"

He blinked as she ran off. "What just happened?"

Zhang Liao sighed. "You only just went and let her take part in the battle."

"Oh."

The battle had begun. The front lines had just engaged their enemies. But, Diao

Chan had still not turned up…

Lu Bu watched as Diao Chan came running towards him.

Okay, I take that back. Even I can't get everything right.

Lu Bu sighed. "Listen. I'm sorry, but you just can't take part in this battle."

"And why not!"

"Well, you see," Liao began. "It's much too dangerous, you don't have any weapons, you've never set foot on a battlefield before, and you're wearing a pink dress."

"What's wrong with my dress?" Diao Chan muttered to herself. She ran off.

And came back a few minutes later. Holding two metal sticks with pork buns on the end, and wearing a violet version of the dress she had been wearing earlier.

Lu Bu and Zhang Liao surveyed her. "Those are weapons!" They enquired in unison.

"Yes."

"Right… sure." Zhang Liao paused. "You still can't go."

"Why? I've gotta do something interesting for once! I mean, sitting around trying to convince The Almighty Lump over there that he's gotta kill Dong Zhuo is alright and everything, and I know I've gotta do that for Daddy, but it can get a bit boring…"

The cockroachlooked shocked. "What was that!"

"Umm… did I say that aloud? Err, nothing!"

"Okay…" Zhang Liao sighed. "Fine! You can go, just don't get into too much trouble, okay?"

"Yay!" Diao Chan hugged him. "Thanks!" And with that, she ran off into the horizon, brandishing her pork buns-on-sticks, and looking more like she was off to a barbeque than a battle.

Hu Lao gate was surrounded by Han troops. A swirl of sapphire, emerald, ruby and gold. All wreaking havoc on the amethyst troops around them. Quite an expensive battle when you think about it.

The gate opened. Sun Jian looked up. He had always wondered how the gates managed to open, without anyone opening them.

"OKAY!" He yelled. "NOW, GO IN THERE AND KIL-… WELL, CIRCLE DONG ZHUO AND ATTACK HIM ONCE OR TWICE!"

The troops grinned as one. Circling people and attacking them once or twice was what they did best.

Dong Zhuo was surrounded. Death… well, being circled and attacked once or twice awaited him on all sides. But he still had an ace up his sleeve… literally.

Dong Zhuo pulled a puppet from his sleeve. So there. That's what I said. I don't speak figuratively. What do you mean a puppet isn't an ace? Oh. Well… maybe I do use figurative language sometimes… I'm ranting again aren't I? I'll get on with the story now.

"You kill me, and Emperor Xian here gets it!" Dong Zhuo grinned manically.

I told you so. Confused? Have no idea what I'm on about? Maybe looking back at the beginning of the last chapter will enlighten you. Wait! Come back! I'll just write it here and save you the bother, I know humans can be very lazy sometimes…

'…went and made himself the Prime Minister after disposing of the rightful heir to the throne and replacing him with the puppet Emperor Xian, who really was a puppet…' See? Now don't go saying that I never hint on anything. I do.

The deadly silence was broken by snorts and giggles. One private almost choked on the apple he was eating. Dong Zhuo looked offended. "What!"

Yuan Shao strolled up. "Oh, hello."

A few troops hid in fear of becoming just as forgetful as their commander. The latter smiled simply at Dong Zhuo.

"Have we met?"

Dong Zhuo, who had readying himself for an attack by Yuan Shao, was caught off guard. "I don't-"

"Strange." Yuan Shao interrupted. "There seems to be in lady carrying pork bun kebabs behind you…"

Dong Zhuo looked at him oddly and turned round. Diao Chan was whacking a rather confused looking Han troop and not having much success. None at all in fact.

"Wha-"

And that is where he was hit by something and died, that is also where this chapter ends.

THE END!

Only kidding. You have no idea who or what killed him, and I hate to leave my readers hanging… so I'll tell you. What really happened wasthis………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
………………………………Hmmm? Oh, sorry to keep you hanging, I had a horrible itch just behind my left ear, just had to scratch it. Ahem, I suppose you want me to tell you what killed him? Well, let me enlighten you: 'One private almost choked on the apple he was eating.' Remember him? Well, when Dong Zhuo turned round to look at Diao Chan, the private threw his apple at a nearby hedge, missing it by at least three meters and hitting Dong Zhuo. Ever heard the phrase: 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'? Don't listen to it.

A celebration was being held in the Han main camp. Yellow, scarlet, azure and bottle green fireworks were detonating in the blue-black sky, lighting up the stars. The fire in the torch brackets burned, illuminating the cheerful faces of the weary troops. I myself was curled up in a corner with Fong Huang (Wei's phoenix, remember?) and Leu Long (Shu's Dragon). All very cosy. But-

"I DON'T SEE WHY YOU THINK PHOENIXES ARE BETTER THAN DRAGONS!" Liu Bei complained.

Fong Huang and Leu Long looked up.

"BECAUSE," Cao Cao yelled. "YOU PEA-BRAINED PRAT, PHOENIXES ARE MUCH MORE MAJESTIC!"

Fong Huang smirked. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, a phoenix smirking? Well, I dunno how, but she does.

"OH, GIVE ME A BREAK! YOU ARE BOTH WRONG, TIGERS ARE FAR BETTER!" Sun Jian roared.

I purred. Sometimes I really loved that guy.

"AND WHY IS THAT!" Cao Cao and Liu Bei shouted in unison.

"BECAUSE THEY ARE A GREAT DEAL MORE REGAL!"

I beamed with pride. Leu Long and Fong Huang humphed.

"WELL, DRAGONS ARE STILL MORE GRACEFUL AND – AND…" Liu Bei was running out of adjectives.

Leu Long smiled uncertainly.

Cao Cao turned round and dripped eye-drops into his eyes and down his face. He turned to face Liu Bei and Sun Jian. "Well… if that's how you both feel, then maybe we ought to take our separate paths…" Cao Cao sobbed, brushing away the fake tears.

Sun Jian nodded. "Very well."

They both walked off, leaving Liu Bei standing there. "I suppose I don't have much choice do I? I shall take my separate path, to restore the path of the Han!"

Leu Long hid his face in his paws. "Why me?"

And so that is how the Han Dynasty came to an end, and Wu, Wei, and Shu emerged…

My longest chapter yet, I think... As Mongie said, you just wait until Chi Bi...

Jianus: Is Washington Jiao OK? Yes, the squid will be back, and you're welcome, I like responding.

Crazy Insanity: Glad to be of service! Yes, the mighty cockroach!