An early upload this week because I couldn't keep it with me any longer. Let me know what you think!
Erin didn't like to keep secrets from Jay. There was something about it that put her on edge whenever she had something she needed to tell her partner but couldn't find the words to do it. It started back when they were first partners and escalated quickly after they were together after Erin's brief stint in the federal task force. While her honesty had taken a hiatus during her "sabbatical", after they fell back into place upon her return to Intelligence, Erin had been completely open.
One day, after Jay had ribbed her about telling him a story about patrol she'd told before, she told him that he was the first person to know absolutely everything about her. As the words left her lips with a teasing lilt, his eyes shone with pride, awe, love. She knew in that moment that being the person she told everything to was a position Jay would never take for granted.
However, there was one secret she had that absolutely nobody knew, not even Jay.
Erin Lindsay was a light sleeper.
She wasn't sure when it started, but for as long as she could remember, she had always been a light sleeper. At an early age, Bunny would berate her for crying out during nightmares, or waking her up when there was a noise outside. One of her earliest memories was Bunny's then-husband's hand connecting with her cheek after she woke up to find the living room full of his friends loudly drinking and doing drugs.
After that, Erin grew up startling awake at every movement at night, fearing who might be entering their apartment. More often than not she would be faced with whatever or whoever she feared, so Erin learned to fake it. It was better to lie awake in wait rather than face it.
She would lie as still as possible, hoping that Bunny's boyfriend or ex-husband or dealer or Charlie would pay no mind to the sleeping child. Erin taught herself to relax all her facial features, not to flinch at the noises coming from the other room, or the voice of whoever had found her. Some nights she was successful in convincing them she was asleep, other not, but nevertheless she lay quietly, each time hoping to emerge unscathed.
The only person who was a lighter sleeper than she was, of course was Jay. After years of military training, combat and working odd hours, even someone in the hall could wake him up. Whenever he'd startle awake in the night, usually waking Erin in the process, he'd apologize profusely, upset with himself for waking her from her slumber.
After Jay officially moved in, the first night he came home after Erin, he'd found her asleep on the couch, exhausted after being awake nearly two days straight with a case. She heard him the second the lock clicked in the door, immediately relaxing back into the comfort of the couch knowing it was just Jay. Erin laid there with her eyes closed, intending to brace herself for the bright kitchen light when Jay inevitably would switch it on, but the light never came. Instead, he shuffled around the apartment, barely making any noise, before carefully lifting her from the couch and carrying her to bed, cradling her against his chest as he walked. At any point she could have opened her eyes, told him that she was awake, and that it was okay to turn the light on, but she was so taken with Jay's movements that she remained still.
She almost wept at the sheer tenderness of the man whose arms she was in as he delicately placed her on her preferred side of the bed and pressed a light kiss atop her nose. Erin held her breath as he shuffled around the bedroom and shed his clothes. The second he settled into the bed she resisted the urge to cuddle closer but couldn't help it, unable to leave any space between them.
Jay pressed his face into her mussed hair, his lips ghosting over forehead. He was clearly convinced she was asleep as he whispered, almost inaudibly, "Good night, my angel. I love you."
Erin held back tears as Jay's breath evened out. She waited, remaining as still as she could for the right moment to slowly open her eyes, tilt her head up and whisper back, "I love you too."
After that night, it became part of her routine. She almost looked forward to the nights that Jay would stay late or attend veteran's support meetings because there was no feeling in the world like being in his arms and hearing him quietly bid her goodnight. His tender bedside manner was a stark comparison to detective she worked with every day, yet another piece of the puzzle she'd been trusted with, and every piece she loved more.
Erin wasn't always perfect though. Some nights an unexpected cough or drop of Jay's cell phone would be too loud for someone not to wake up. Those were the nights she'd chose the other type of closeness and join Jay in the shower, on the couch or between the sheets. Other nights he'd be home earlier than expected to find her still awake on the couch, some mindless television program playing in the background that she wasn't paying attention to. There was closeness in those moments as well, as there was something about being able to sit together in silence, both understanding the other's need to be together, yet with their own thoughts.
In the morning, he'd always be up first, usually before her alarm. When she'd finally stir, she would be met by those enchanting baby blues, watching as she cleared the sleep from her eyes. When she'd thank him for bringing her to bed, emphasizing how tired she'd been or whatever excuse she could come up with, he'd chuckle lightly and pull her in closer, promising her that it was no effort at all and that he'd never just leave her on the couch.
It was then she realized that both of them needed those silent moments. The love she felt when Jay carried her to bed, held her in his arms and kissed her nose was unlike anything she'd ever felt before.
This time, she lay still on the hard cement floor, hoping that Charlie would make the assumption that whatever he'd drugged her with was still coursing through her system. The footsteps came louder but then retreated, and Erin finally exhaled.
Jay startled awake at the chime of his cell phone, his face pressed against the couch cushion. After waking up on the floor halfway through the night, he considered moving to the bed. One look at Erin's side of the bed put his heart in his throat, so he settled for the couch. Function over form.
He grunted at the text update from Ruzek that wasn't much of an update – they still hadn't found any leads on Erin, or Charlie. Landon spent the night in lock up at another district in protective custody, and all officers monitoring him had been given strict instructions to bar any members of Intelligence from approaching him.
It was going on the fourth day of Erin being missing, and with each passing hour Jay was becoming increasingly undone. The unit was tiptoeing around him, acutely aware that one wrong move or statement would send the detective into a blind rage or complete breakdown. He'd nearly broken his hand punching a locker on day three, and had Atwater not been there to forcibly lower his fist, he'd be dealing with far worse than a few bruised knuckles.
Voight had become increasingly stoic as the days wore on, his own outrage tempered by the fact that he was watching his detective unravel at the loss of his daughter. Seeing Jay's love for Erin simultaneously filled him up and emptied him, knowing just how hard it was to have someone you love missing and alone. Both of Erin's guys were barely speaking, unable to acknowledge the other's pain.
Jay grunted again at Ruzek's follow up text, informing him that Voight was caught up in some investigation down at the Ivory tower and that he could take his time getting into the office. He'd barely slept on the couch, restlessly jolting awake at every movement in the apartments above and below, and on the street outside. His whole body was tingling on high alert.
He felt his back crack as he shifted off the couch and shivered as the cold apartment floor chilled his bare feet. Without Erin, the heat in the apartment was barely on, but Jay hardly noticed. He shuffled to the bathroom, not bothering to wait for the water to heat up. He doused himself with the cold spray, trying to do anything he could to feel something other than the crushing heartbreak of missing his partner.
As he got ready to get dressed for the day, Jay paused at Erin's dresser. They'd purchased matching his and hers dressers when he'd officially moved in and realized Erin's old dresser didn't posses nearly enough space for their collective collection of solid color t shirts. Jay took a shuddery breath before reaching into her bottom drawer. He knew that she kept a stash of his clothes, mostly for lounging around their apartment, but occasionally to tease him at work. Jay smiled and then swallowed his tears, remembering that Erin was missing, but also that she was wearing his shirt.
He pulled out one of his shirts from her bottom drawer, remembering that he'd actually gifted it to her when they were first hooking up. It was a long sleeve Hawks t shirt from a game he'd been to with Will. He had won the shirt after it was shot out of one of those t shirt cannons, and Erin absolutely loved it. Jay brought the fabric to his face, inhaling the distinct smell of his partner in an attempt to ground himself.
After a minute, Jay donned the shirt and exited the apartment, unable to look at the coffee cups from earlier that week, still glued to the kitchen counter, frozen in time.
"We might have a lead," Al greeted Jay as he stepped into the roll up, repeatedly flexing his hand that was sore from the locker the other day, "Burgess had a contact down at the Fourteenth, and turns out that's where Landon is being held. He mentioned Charlie's aunt had a place down in Canaryville, and Mouse picked up some plates on some pods nearby that might be Charlie's car."
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go," Jay turned for the Sierra but Al caught his arm.
"Voight's tied up in a meeting down at the Ivory Tower," Al informed him, "Given the eyeballs on this, we're waiting until we get the go ahead. We're waiting on a warrant."
"No way. This is Erin. Voight's practically her dad," Jay shook his head, "He wouldn't want us to wait, not another minute. We need to go, now." He paused, seeing Atwater, Burgess and Ruzek descend the steps, "Otherwise I'm going in alone."
"You're not going in alone, man," Ruzek took a step closer, "This is Lindsay we're talking about. We're going with you."
"Yeah, we can ask for forgiveness later," Atwater piped up, "Burgess sent Voight a text. Let's roll."
There could have been a thousand different thoughts going through his head as they pulled up to the location. It was freezing. The house looked abandoned. Neighboring houses appeared just as empty. There was a swing on the front porch, just as Landon had described. None of it registered with Jay. All he could think about was Erin. He could practically feel her inside the house, despite having no idea if she was actually in there. There was something in his gut that told him his girl was just inches from his arms.
"Place looks empty," Ruzek reported, having finished an initial sweep of the house, "There's coffee on the table though. From that place downtown, where Lindsay bought those bagels from after Burgess's Halloween party."
Jay felt his stomach do a backflip. That was where he'd gone for bagels the morning Erin had been taken. "There's a police badge on the table too. And a 45. Looks like Lindsay's," Atwater said, hustling back to the unit after his reconnaissance, "Think that's enough for probable cause?"
"I'd say so," Ruzek replied. Jay steeled his teeth and swallowed. There was no doubt in his mind – Erin was in there.
"Back door is open," Atwater hissed. Al nodded his approval for Jay to enter slowly, weapon drawn.
He turned the first corner to the kitchen, catching sight of the badge and gun beside the empty coffee cup from Erin's favorite bagel shop. He swallowed the bile that had risen in his throat and took another step. Jay paused to listen for any movement upstairs, but the house was silent. He motioned for Atwater and Ruzek to follow, who immediately turned upstairs to clear the house.
Jay crept throughout the bottom floor of the empty house, weapon drawn. He rounded another corner and stopped short at an ajar door. His heart started beating faster. That was where Erin was. He could feel it.
Jay pushed open the door to the basement, doing his best not to cough at the dust. He took a tentative step downward, trying to be as quiet as possible. The wooden step creaked as he moved, each step announcing his arrival. In the light cast from upstairs, Jay could barely make out the layout of the basement. It felt like stepping into a refrigerator, the chill reverberating off the cement walls. He took another step and saw a camera atop a stool, along with what appeared to be an empty glass. Jay turned slowly and squinted, trying to see beyond the milky black of the dusty basement.
There, in the corner of the room, curled up against the cement wall, was a woman. Her arms were tied behind her back and her ankles were bound together as she leaned against the wall uncomfortably. She was motionless, appearing frozen against the basement wall. Jay took another step closer. "Erin," he called out softly, hopefully, nervously, "Erin."
Erin was attempting to lay as still as possible. If Charlie thought that she was still passed out, maybe he'd leave her alone. Her stomach was killing her and her brain felt so foggy. She couldn't take any more of whatever he was dosing her with. "Erin." The voice came again. This wasn't Charlie. The voice was gentler but somehow stronger. Maybe opening her eyes wouldn't hurt. She recoiled at the brightness as the shadowy figure emerged from the light, slowly approaching her. Jay. That was Jay's voice. Her eyes slowly adjusted as the figure came closer. Was she dreaming? Was it really him? Erin opened her eyes wider, just in time to see yet another shadowy figure, this one with a raised bat, trained on her partner.
Eeek!