Trigger warning for descriptions of a panic attack
Panic was wrapped around Erin's neck as she stumbled toward the living room, her arms banded around her stomach as the stitches tugged at every movement. Her vision was obstructed by tears as the sound of gunshots rang in her ears, along with the echo of Bunny's screams.
Erin's breathing became increasingly labored and her vision darkened as she slumped against the wall, unable to remain upright as the screams reverberated in her head. She could hear a voice amidst the noise, begging her to breathe. She couldn't do it. Hank was shot, shot by her mother no less, and she needed to get to him. How has she not remembered that Charlie told her about Bunny's involvement?
A shadowy figure emerged, their heavy footsteps rattling the apartment as they approached. Bunny's accomplice. Who was she working with this time? Erin scrambled backwards. There was no way she was going back to that basement. Where was Jay? Why did he have to leave?
The intruder wrapped their arms around Erin's trembling frame in an attempt to lift her off the floor. "Stop, stop, stop!" she screamed, attempting to ward off whoever's arms she was in. Charlie's face swam into view as Bunny's screams got louder. What was he doing here?
Erin shrieked and thrashed around, trying with all her might to free herself from his grip on her arms. The fingers released her as she stumbled backwards, now directly on her rear as she tried to back away. "Erin!" Bunny's voice came louder, more urgent, more…masculine? "Erin, it's okay, you're okay." The voice was trying to remain calm, but Erin could tell the shadowy figure was scared. Good.
She shuffled backwards again, her living room simultaneously coming into view and closing in as her vision darkened, the lack of oxygen making it difficult to see. Erin gasped for air and realized suddenly that the screams she was hearing weren't from Bunny, but coming from her own lips.
Erin choked on her own breath at the realization that with Hank shot, there was nobody else who could come to her aid. She felt her heart lurch at the thought of Jay, who had been so strong for her, coming back from his meeting to find their sergeant bleeding out on the floor, and his partner missing yet again. It would undoubtedly break him, and Erin didn't know if she could live with herself.
"Jay!" she wailed, sucking in as much air as she could in a breath, "Jay!"
The arms wrapped around her again as Erin wriggled in desperation, trying to get help for Hank, to get away from Bunny and Charlie. Each breath she wheezed felt like fire down her throat as the sobs bubbled up to the surface and escaped her lips.
"Jay!"
"I'm here baby, I'm right here."
Jay's voice cut through the screams in her head as Erin was caught between reality and her nightmare. The shadowy outlines of Bunny and Charlie faded into the harsh kitchen light as Erin continued to writhe against the back wall, nowhere else to go.
"She's here, she's got a gun," Erin gasped out frantically, unable to pull herself back to the present, "She's going to kill him!" There wasn't enough oxygen in the room as she gulped for air, each inhale shallower than the last.
Hank sat on the sofa in Jay and Erin's living room watching the game, but not really watching. Instead, he listened for any noise from Erin's bedroom. After watching her peck at her dinner and confess to not feeling well, he was concerned. He knew Halstead had a handle on everything, but it didn't stop him from worrying about his girl.
He exhaled and took a sip of the cold beer Jay had pointed him to as he was leaving. Hank was proud of how far Halstead had come in terms of asking for his help. He'd watched the young detective struggle with his demons for years, and listening to him confirm his need for help, so that he could be there for his girl – their girl – well, it filled Hank with pride. Halstead was good for Erin, and really, they were good for each other.
When the lock in the door turned just after eight, Hank furrowed his brow. Halstead wasn't due back until ten. "Hey," Jay greeted, shrugging off his light coat and hanging it beside Erin's, "How'd it go?"
"She's sleeping now," Hank confirmed, muting the television and setting the beer on the coaster, "I just checked on her like five minutes ago. She didn't eat much. There's some chicken left over if you're interested."
"Sounds amazing," Jay gave a smile and went about plating up the food while Hank joined him in the kitchen. "Thanks again for being here."
"Of course," the sergeant replied gruffly, "I'm glad you went. Didn't think you'd be back so early though."
The microwave beeped and Jay quickly silenced it. "Yeah, uh, the meeting was good. Really good. And it helped a lot, but I just needed to be home. Needed to make sure she was okay."
Hank's lips quirked up at his detective's affection and care for his daughter. "I'm glad you're takin' care of yourself too, Jay."
"This is really good," he praised, mouth full of Hank's chicken, "Like really good."
"Glad you like it," Hank snorted, "Erin had maybe three bites. Said the meds were messing with her stomach."
Jay set the fork down and swallowed. "Will said it might take a day or two for her to get used to the pills, but I sent him a text to see if he could come over to check her out maybe tomorrow. Spare her a trip to the hospital. But it's been hard to try to get her to eat." He glanced toward the bedroom, "I'm glad she's sleeping now too, that hasn't been easy either."
"Jesus," Hank mused, "I know she's strong but that bastard really put her through the ringer."
Jay nodded in agreement. "I hope he rots. Or dies."
A sudden scream nearly caused Hank to drop his beer. Both men whirled around to see Erin cowering against the living room wall, eyes wild and unfocused.
"Oh my god," Jay quickly abandoned his plate and crossed over to his partner, "Erin, it's okay, you're okay."
She let out a gut wrenching scream and scrambled backwards, slipping through his fingers with another petrified squeak, now hunched against the back wall of the living room in an attempt to make herself small. "What the…" Hank looked from Erin to Jay, unclear on how much could go wrong in so little time, "She was asleep not ten minutes ago."
"You're having a nightmare," Jay attempted to reassure her, his voice drowned out by Erin's pained wheezes, "It's okay, Erin, it wasn't real." He swallowed, unsure of how he could help his suffering partner. It was clear that his touch was not what she needed, since as soon as his hands made contact, she'd recoiled like she'd been burned. "She's gonna tear her stitches," he said to Hank, casting another worried glance at his girlfriend, "Can you grab my phone and call my brother? I don't think this is normal."
Hank nodded, refusing to take his eyes off Erin as he reached for his phone to dial the other Halstead. "Erin," Jay tried again, "It's Jay, I'm here."
Her eyes cleared for a moment as his name escaped her lips in an agonizing wail. "I'm here baby, I'm right here," he repeated, moving closer to his partner as she trembled against the wall.
Erin's gasps for air got more desperate as Jay got closer. "She's..gotta…gun," she wheezed, appearing dangerously close to passing out as she sucked in a breath, "She's gonna kill him."
It was all Jay could do not to cry at his partner's pained gasps, the panic attack following what appeared to be an incredibly vivid and disturbing nightmare wreaking havoc on her entire body. He reached a hand out and cupped her cheek gently, hoping that his touch would pull her back to reality.
Another sob bubbled in Erin's throat and burst through her lips. "H-H-Hank," she stuttered, unable to get her mouth to form the words she was looking for. She dissolved into sobs as Jay lifted Erin into his embrace and wrapped his strong arms around her quivering frame.
"Shh," he cooed, gently running his fingers through her hair as he pressed his cheek against her forehead, "It's okay, Erin, it was just a bad dream." He glanced up at his sergeant who was kneeling a few feet away on the floor, looking just as troubled as Jay felt, "Hank's fine, he's right here. I'm here, you're safe, there's nobody here but us."
"Bunny," Erin choked, scrabbling at Jay's strong arms in an attempt to escape, "She's-she's the one who-who killed him."
Both men furrowed their brow at the same thought. Neither of them had yet broached Bunny's involvement. They'd agreed that it was a one step at a time situation, and bringing Bunny into the mix while Erin was still vulnerable and exhausted was not a part of it. "She's not here, kiddo," Hank attempted to reassured her, "Just us."
Erin gasped again and coughed violently. "Breathe, babe," Jay tried, continuing to run his hands up and down his girlfriend's back as she trembled, "Just like we did in the hospital okay, try to match my breath."
Jay could feel her heart fluttering against his palm as he gently caressed her back, doing everything he could to calm her down. He took a deep breath in as he gently rocked back and forth, attempting to provide as much comfort to his petrified partner, "C'mon Er, one more," he encouraged after she took a shaky gasp. "Can you grab her inhaler off the counter?" Jay asked Hank, who quickly got to his feet to retrieve the medication.
Hank knelt in front of his detectives, and at Jay's nod of assent, lifted the inhaler to his daughter's chapped lips. "One breath in," the seasoned sergeant whispered as Jay continued to stroke Erin's hair back with one hand and hold her close with the other. Erin complied, her eyes now shut and head nestled into Jay's shoulder in exhaustion.
"Thanks," Jay gave a tired smile as Hank sat next to the couple, concern still written all over his face, "I can already feel her breathing a bit better." He glanced down at his partner, her features pinched in pain as she continued to take short, wheezing breaths.
Erin felt Jay's fingers across her shoulder blades, down her spine and over her arms, desperately trying to pull her back to reality. It wasn't real. Bunny wasn't in their apartment, and she hadn't had a gun. Jay was back, and he was safe, and she was in his arms. She could hear Jay's heartbeat as she attempted to mold herself into his side, hungry for comfort and the security her partner provided. He was speaking in hushed tones, trying to get her to breathe. Was she not breathing? Erin took a shuddery inhale and felt her lungs whistle in protest. She coughed and let out a low groan. God that hurts.
Jay's fingers glided over her scalp as he encouraged her to take another breath. He was still here. "S-sorry," she stammered, realizing that she was huddled in her boyfriend's lap on the floor of their apartment, "I-I thought-" Erin coughed again.
"You're okay," Jay repeated, methodically caressing her tightly coiled muscles as she attempted to get her breath back, "You've been through a lot."
"W-where's Hank?" she stuttered, panic setting in. "He-he was shot?"
"No, no, babe," Jay quickly refuted, gesturing for Hank to return to where Erin could see him, "He's here. Nobody was shot. It's just you, me and Hank."
"I'm here, kiddo," Hank crouched in front of his detectives and reached a hand out to stroke his daughter's cheek.
Erin swallowed hard, overcome with nausea as the room spun in front of her, Hank's face dissolving in her tears. "It-it wasn't real," she choked out, "I-I thought she killed you."
Hank shook his head and wiped another tear off his daughter's cheek, "I'm still here," he reassured her, "I'm not goin' anywhere."
"I thought I was going to die," she whispered, raw honesty evident in her voice, "When I was down there. And I-I saw Bunny here and I thought," Erin coughed loudly, and Jay grimaced.
"You're okay," Hank promised, "I'm okay. Jay's back, and you're going to get a good night's sleep after we get you some cough meds and pain relief."
"I don't want any more painkillers, okay?" Erin craned her neck to look up at Jay, his brow furrowed with concern, "They-they make me feel sick and I don't like the dreams."
"I know babe, but your lungs could get worse if you can't expand them," Jay rubbed his forehead, unsure of what to do. On one hand, the pain medication was seriously disrupting Erin's stomach and causing terrible nightmares, but on the other, she needed to breathe.
"I don't want them," she replied stubbornly, tears welling in her eyes again, "Not now."
"Okay," Jay exhaled, feeling his partner immediately relax in his embrace after he spoke, "Let's see how you're feeling after you're back in bed, sound good?"
"Can we stay here a minute?" Erin asked quietly, "I-I don't want to move just yet."
"Of course," Jay dropped a kiss atop his partner's head, just grateful to have his girl back and in his arms.
Jay and Hank sat in silence, the only noise in the apartment was the hum of the dishwasher and Erin's sharp breaths as she struggled to expand her lungs. Both men were incredibly shaken after Erin's nightmare and panic attack, and didn't have the words to discuss it yet. "We should get her lying down," Jay said after a while, his fingers still combing through Erin's hair, "I don't want her to aggravate her stitches any further, and I should probably make sure she didn't rip any."
Hank nodded in agreement and got to his feet again. "Babe?" Jay gently rubbed his partner's forehead, "Let's get you back into bed, alright? I want to make sure your stitches are okay."
She whimpered in protest as he moved, tightening her grip on Jay's shirt.
"I got her, Jay," Hank nodded in confirmation and carefully took Erin into his arms as Jay stood. Erin let out another whine of displeasure at the separation from her partner, trying to feebly push away from her father figure in attempt to get back into her boyfriend's arms. "I know, kiddo," Hank soothed as Jay stood, "You're going to be okay."
"J-Jay," she stammered, opening her eyes just wide enough to find her partner's. Erin lost her footing as she reached for him, and he quickly gathered her in his arms again.
"I got you," Jay assured her, realizing his partner's legs too shaky to bear weight, "You're alright, babe." He gently lifted her and she sagged against him, her breath still coming out in short, pained wheezes. Jay turned to Hank, "I'm going to bring her into the bedroom, check out her stitches."
Hank nodded in response, still processing everything that had happened in the last hour. He had never seen his girl come so undone. Her desire to be close to Jay simultaneously broke and filled his heart, as he loved that she had someone she trusted enough, but watching her relive her experience in the basement and be captured by horrific nightmares was painful.
He followed as Jay carried Erin into the bedroom, overwhelmed by how fragile his girl was. She was exhausted after the ordeal and clung to Jay desperately after he tried to set her onto the bed. "Can I put you onto the bed, babe?" he asked, growing more concerned as the minutes ticked by, "Are you okay?"
"I-I remember now," Erin choked out, still gripping Jay's shirt tightly, "It was Bunny. She t-told him about the deal."
"Bunny told Charlie?" Jay swallowed, choosing to sit on the bed himself, Erin still in his arms.
Erin managed a nod and shuddered, "He told me about what he was trying to do, when I was down there. But I was so drugged up I don't remember all that much but when I saw Bunny in here, I remembered. They want to kill Hank."
Jay raised his eyebrows and exchanged glances with his sergeant. "Do you remember anything else?" Hank asked gently, folding his arms across his chest as he contemplated the idea of Bunny attempting to have him killed. It tracked with him, but just barely. She wasn't a criminal mastermind.
Erin trembled in Jay's arms, the aftermath of the panic attack feeling like a collar around her throat. "I don't know what's real," she mumbled after a moment, bringing a hand to her forehead, "Everything is so mixed up and I can't keep it straight and the drugs are making me dizzy."
"It's okay," Jay assured her, "We can figure that out later." He grimaced as she coughed again. "Maybe we can get you some cough medicine for now? It might help you sleep?"
Erin responded with another cough and grunted at the pain in her stomach. "I feel like hell," she managed honestly, "Everything hurts."
"I texted Will earlier about getting you some other types of painkillers that won't make you sick," Jay stroked Erin's arm gently, "So hopefully those will get you feeling a bit better."
"Mm," she replied, reaching her hand to touch the tender incision area on her stomach. When Erin lifted her palm she felt her stomach roll as she caught sight of blood on her fingertips. The brief sense of calm that had covered her following the gripping nightmare was whisked away in an instant as she gasped for breath, feeling like she was being strangled by invisible hands.
Suddenly, she felt like she was back in the basement, glancing at her hands that were tinged with blood after Charlie hit her over the head in the parking garage. Images of his face flashed before her eyes as she struggled to take a breath and convince herself that she was home, safe, and with the two people she trusted most in the world.
Jay glanced down to his partner and cursed. "It's okay babe, you might have torn a stitch or two." He looked urgently at his sergeant who had gone inexplicably still at the sight of the crimson splotch on his daughter's shirt. "We gotta get you lying flat, and then I can take a look."
"Don't go," she choked, the tears making an immediate reappearance as Jay maneuvered from underneath his partner and knelt above her on the bed, "Jay, stay."
"I'm here," he assured her, gingerly lifting Erin's pajama top as she writhed in pain. The dressings that covered her stitches were darkening with blood, and Jay cursed again.
"We need to go to the hospital," Hank piped up, finding his voice as Erin shook her head, "You're bleeding kiddo. We gotta get you fixed up."
"No, no," she cried in earnest, scrambling back against the headboard, overwhelmed by how unlike herself she felt. In her heart, she knew she needed a trip to the hospital, that Jay would be beside her, that she was safe, but her mind felt like a jumble of mismatched wires, and she couldn't discern what was real and what was not. "I don't want to go back."
"Jay?" Will's muffled voice came accompanied by several abrupt knocks on their front door. Erin squeaked at the sound and scrambled further backwards, now curled into herself against the headboard.
"It's Will," Jay attempted to explain. He made a move backwards to answer the door, but Erin shook her head.
"Don't go, don't go," she begged, large tears rolling down her cheeks, "Please, don't leave me here." Erin burst into a fresh set of sobs, quickly covering her face with shaking hands. She felt pathetic and embarrassed as the words left her lips, horrified at the fact she couldn't pull herself together for a few measly seconds without Jay by her side. "I don't feel like myself," she wept, "I feel like a shell."
"Oh, babe," Jay's heart lurched at his partner's tearful admission. "I'm sorry you're feeling so sick. Will's here, and he's going to help, okay?"
"I got it," Hank confirmed as Will knocked on the door again, hastening toward the door and whipping it open as quickly as he could.
"What's going on?" Will asked immediately, sizing Hank up in a quick glance. The sergeant appeared rattled and on edge as he ushered the doctor toward the bedroom.
"She had a massive panic attack. Tore her stitches, but we haven't been able to take a look," Hank informed him, "She's petrified."
Will nodded in understanding. Jay was now cradling Erin in his lap as she held tightly to his shirt, the blood from her abdomen turning his grey shirt a dark red. "It's okay, baby, it's just Will," Jay cooed, stroking her hair back as she trembled. Watching his badass partner come completely undone in his arms was rapidly undoing him, and he needed her to get the relief she needed fast.
"Hey Erin," Will greeted softly, carefully approaching the bed but keeping a distance, "Jay said you weren't feeling too great."
Erin didn't reply and instead buried her face in Jay's neck with a cough. "She's shaking, man," Jay said urgently, "She can barely breathe and I think she ripped her stitches."
"Okay, okay," Will nodded as he processed the scene in front of him, "Can you get her lying down so I can take a look?"
"Tried that," Jay shook his head. He was doing his best to stay calm for Erin but he was distraught to see his partner in agony. "I think we might need to bring her into Med."
"No," Erin cried, her breath barely making it to her lungs, "No, I don't want to go back."
Will opened a plastic box of medical supplies that he'd kept underneath his arm and pulled out a syringe. "It's a mild sedative," Will assured both Hank and Jay as Erin cowered against her partner, "If we're trying to avoid a trip to the hospital, I can fix her up here, but she's gotta be still and at this rate, this is the only option."
Hank and Jay exchanged looks as Erin gasped out for air. "Do it," Jay confirmed, holding Erin's head against his shoulder as she shook, "Please."
Will nodded, "Just a quick pinch, Erin," he said, quickly injecting her upper arm. Erin squeaked at the contact and flailed her arm, hitting Jay in the jaw.
"Shh," Jay cooed, stroking her cheek gently, "You're okay, you're okay."
Erin hiccupped and took a breath, the first real breath of the evening. Almost immediately her features softened as the sedative had the desired effect. "There you go, kiddo," Hank stroked her hand as she sagged against Jay in exhaustion, "That's better."
"Mm," she attempted to reply, her eyes closing quickly. Her breath evened out as she continued to relax, slipping into a light sleep.
Jay continued to gently stroke her cheek as Will checked Erin's vitals. "Her heart rate is coming down and her breathing is getting easier," he informed Hank and Jay, "If you can lay her down, I can fix her stitches."
"Thank you for coming so quickly," Jay said, carefully adjusting his position so Erin would be lying down on the bed, "She's really suffering and I don't know what to do."
Will nodded and carefully peeled back the dressing on Erin's stomach. "It looks like she tore a few stitches here. If you can grab some towels, I just want to get her cleaned up before we put the dressing on."
"I got it," Hank said, quickly exiting the room. Watching his daughter get stitched up while sedated was one of the things he didn't want to see.
"You alright?" Will asked after Hank exited, "I've never seen Voight so rattled."
"It was bad," Jay replied, gesturing to the blood stained t shirt he was still wearing, "And it broke my heart."
Sorry if I tricked ya last chapter ;) things will be looking up soon, I hope! I might tack on a few light hearted clips into this story so if there's anything you'd like me to write, I'll try to work it in. Four months of quarantine has me itching to try some requests