So in the time it's taken me to update this story I wrote over 50 chapters of an entirely different series…so I certainly owed y'all an update on this one. I hope some of you are still around. Can't believe it's been a year since I've been back writing!
The beginning of this one is tough, so please take caution when reading about mental health. The second half is much sweeter, I promise.
Jay ran his fingers through Erin's hair as she snoozed against him on the couch in Wisconsin. He and Will had started a fire, and the living area was warm and cozy. His girl was resting peacefully in his arms for the first time in what felt like weeks, and Jay couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so relaxed.
Except then he remembered why they were up in Wisconsin in the first place.
There were people after him and Erin.
The thought alone had his stomach in knots.
He wasn't all that worried about himself. It was a chronic issue that he tended to not focus on himself. Even as a kid, he was more preoccupied with everyone else. In the Rangers, it was always the life of his guys over his own life.
It was the same way in Chicago.
Until he met Erin. The only other person who was less focused on her own person that he was. Between the two of them, there was enough empathy to cover an entire city. Maybe not one as big as Chicago, but Jay had dreams about retiring upstate. It wouldn't have to be as secluded as the rustic cabin that they were in now – he wanted a place where their kids could feasibly visit, and that at least had a movie theater or something – but it would be a small, relaxed town. A perfect respite for his big-city girl who'd quite literally grown up on the streets. Between the two of them, they could run the local sheriff's office and do the work he always wanted to do, like helping rescue cats from trees, keeping the local kids from running into traffic, that kind of thing.
He was really, really worried about Erin.
Seeing her in the basement had shaken him to his very core. He'd seen difficult situations on the job in Chicago, and some incredibly dark stuff in Afghanistan, but nothing had ever prepared him for seeing the love of his life so brutally beaten.
Jay was determined to not let it happen again. Even if it meant running away, he was fine with it. He would do anything to keep Erin safe.
"You alright, babe?" Erin murmured, stroking Jay's arm gently, "You're tense."
"I'm fine," he promised, leaning down to kiss her forehead gently, "How are you feeling is the better question."
"I can actually breathe up here," she replied, tilting her head up slightly. She brought a hand to his cheek. "What's going on? I can tell you're not fine." Erin gave a small smile, "Promise I can handle it."
"I just worry, that's all," he murmured into her hair, "I know you're going to tell me not to, but that just isn't in my DNA, babe."
She snorted and settled further against him. "I got real used to people not worrying about me," she mumbled, toying with his fingers lightly, "Growing up, you know. Bunny never gave a shit. I was twelve years old, comin' home past two in the morning and she would be halfway through a bottle of whisky and six oxy." Erin let out a breath. "I think Hank was the first person who ever really cared where I was. That I was safe." She titled her head up slightly. "Til you."
"I care a whole lot," he replied, "Some would argue too much, if I recall." Jay stroked her cheek lightly, "Just because I love you more than life itself."
Erin wrinkled her brow. "That's too much," she said, "You can't love me more than your own life, Jay. My life's not worth that much."
"Babe," Jay gasped, "You're breaking my heart." He swallowed the lump in his throat. He couldn't believe the words leaving his girl's lips.
"I can barely do anything myself," she said dryly, "Can't be left alone. I'm doped up on these pain pills because I've got a six inch scar across my gut. Lungs are at like max half capacity and I've disrupted your life, and your brother's, because my god forsaken mother just can't keep it together."
"Erin." Jay shifted slightly, attempting to meet her gaze, "Erin, please look at me."
She titled her head up, drawing in a sharp breath when she met his tear-filled baby blues. Her eyes were clear for the first time in a while due to all the pain and the various medication, and that's what broke his heart the most.
Until four words rolled off her tongue.
"I'm not worth it."
He shook his head adamantly, doing everything he could to keep his emotions in check. "W-what could ever make you think that?" he choked out, "You are so worth it."
"Charlie used to tell me all the time that I was worthless," she scoffed, attempting to avoid his gaze, "You always tell me I need to save some empathy for myself and it's probably because I just don't think I'm worth it."
Jay swallowed again. "Do you…do you not want to do it anymore?" he asked painfully. It wasn't a question he ever wanted to ask, but the question had been asked to him in a veteran's support meeting a few weeks ago.
It nearly brought him to his knees.
He didn't want to die. He wanted to live, fully and completely. He wanted his life with Erin, the life he dreamed about with a house and kids and maybe two dogs.
But nobody had ever asked, and so he'd never really thought about it. But in that moment, he knew he needed to accept the help. He accepted the help from the support meeting, and he allowed Erin in. It was taking some time, and they still had conversations that they needed to have, but he knew he wanted to live.
Jay held his breath as Erin just looked at him, appearing slightly confused. "You mean…us? Or like, life?"
"Life," he managed, unable to force anymore words up his throat. He couldn't say anything else as Erin continued to stare into his soul while he did his best to keep the tears from spilling over his cheeks.
She didn't know what to say.
He saw her. Jay Halstead, her partner at work and her partner in life, was the only person in the entire world who truly saw into her soul. He could read self-doubt behind her eyes like nobody else. And he got it. He'd been there – she knew that he had.
He saw her at her worst. Well, what she thought was her worst. There were only so many levels of rock bottom that one could hit in thirty-something years, but the deepest hole in recent memory had been after Nadia. Erin hated thinking about it, all she put him through. All she put Hank through. There were decades of shame wrapped up into that downward spiral because then she didn't think she was worth it.
It was Jay's eyes that broke the dam. His furrowed brow as she stood defiantly in front of him by the back door to the club, the heartache on his lips. Through the alcohol and whatever else was coursing through her system she hadn't seen it, but when Al called and she was doused with reality, it was his eyes that showed her she had something to live for. That her life was worth living.
It was his eyes again that saved her in that basement. When she closed hers, all she wanted was to open them again to see Jay in bed beside her, lying on his side, staring down at her. It was endearing and enough to make butterflies flutter out of her stomach, the gentleness and love pouring into her like she'd never had before. As Charlie berated, beat and abused her, Jay's eyes kept her going.
And it broke her heart to hear him ask her if she wanted to live. Because she did – she wanted to live because of him. And yet, the words leaving her lips and her self-deprecation and feeling of worthlessness had given him pause, and made him think that his love for her wasn't enough.
It was more than enough. It was exactly what she needed.
"I," she stuttered, "I-I want to live."
Jay exhaled heavily and brought her closer. Tears spilled over his cheeks before he could stop them and suddenly, she was crying too. It wasn't the same fearful, trauma-induced tears he'd grown accustomed to as his girl recovered. These tears were deep. They were painful. But they were also hope.
It was a fear that he'd had since the moment he found her. He feared the trauma would be too great, that as strong as he knew his girl was, she wouldn't be able to move past it. He put the thought out of his mind for as long as he could, but in the crisp Wisconsin air, he needed to know.
"You are so worth it," Jay whispered into her hair, "So, so worth it."
Erin choked out another sob and huddled closer into his arms. "I'm sorry," she whimpered, "I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize. Not with me," he assured her, sniffing back some tears, "I just…I want to be honest with you." Jay drew in a breath. "Because when they asked me that in the veteran's meeting a few weeks ago, I thought I didn't know, til I thought about you." He swallowed. "You are everything to me. My partner. And not knowing if you were going to make it a-and seeing you in such pain…" He trailed off, unable to complete the sentence. "I-I love you more than life because you are my life."
She whimpered slightly. "I-I didn't know before," Erin whispered, "A-after Nadia. I didn't care. Not until Al called me." Her voice cracked, "You were my reason. A-a-and in that basement, all I could think about was you. I don't want to lose you."
Jay shook his head. "I am not going anywhere," he said fiercely, "Anywhere." He held her impossibly closer. "And neither are you."
"So what do you guys normally do up here?" Erin asked, tilting her head up to meet Jay's gaze. She'd dozed off against his chest after their emotional conversation, fully spent from the sheer weight of it all. "I mean, besides nap in front of the fire and read and play board games."
Jay widened his eyes slightly. He'd let his mind wander while Erin snoozed. "Well, uh, usually this place is covered in snow or it's the summer, so a lot of outdoor stuff. Hiking, fishing, cross country skiing, that kind of thing."
"All things I'm not allowed to do with this," she grumbled, gesturing to her stomach, "There isn't anything else we can do?"
"We could go into town," Jay suggested, "It's not really much of a town. More like three stores and a gas station, but it's something. Could pick up some groceries, maybe some more goldfish."
Erin nodded eagerly. "Civilization?"
"I wouldn't go that far," he said with a chuckle, "Three stores, one of which is just for fishing."
"Still, that's more civilization than I've seen in days," she replied, "I've been holed up in our apartment or napping on this couch." Erin gave a small smile, "I'm up for an hour adventure."
Jay grinned. His girl was really feeling better. "Well, Will's completely passed out," he said, gesturing to his brother sprawled in front of the fire, his mouth agape, "I'm going to grab his keys. It's about a ten minute drive though. Are you okay to sit up for that long?"
"We can also push the seat back," Jay suggested as he helped his girl climb into the passenger seat, "I know it's ten minutes but I don't want to aggravate your stomach."
Erin offered a small smile. "Thanks," she breathed as he tilted the seat back, "Guess I forgot that I slept in your lap the whole way up here."
He returned the smile and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Honestly was my favorite way to get up here, ever," he replied, stroking her cheek gently, "Way better than Will pelting me with wrappers from the passenger seat like when we were kids."
"Babe," Erin breathed, squeezing his hand as he led her up to the small general store, "It's okay. Nobody's up here. We're safe."
Jay attempted to relax his shoulders. Erin hadn't said anything when he holstered his weapon before climbing into the car, but she could tell that he was on edge. Granted, he was somewhat justified in being on edge. There were allegedly people out to get them, and he wasn't taking any chances when it came to the safety of the love of his life.
"Sorry," he said, loosening his grip on her fingers, "I just…I want to be safe."
"We are," she promised, giving his hand another squeeze, "I'm safe with you, babe."
But then she jumped slightly when Jay pushed open the door to the shop, the ringing bell sending shivers down her spine. "Sorry," she muttered, leaning into his side when he wrapped an arm around her to bring her closer, "Guess I'm just a little jumpy."
Jay kissed the side of her head gently. "What are you hungry for? I know we're almost out of Goldfish."
"Will ate all the eggs," Erin said, placing a careful hand on her stomach. "I'm not that hungry, but I know you're gonna tell me I need to eat."
He nodded. "You do need to eat," he confirmed, "What if I made that fettuccini? You liked that, right?"
Erin gave an enthusiastic nod, and Jay beamed. His girl needed calories to regain her strength after the horrific week and subsequent days of feeling ill and unlike herself. "Alright, we need cream and-" He paused when the pitter-patter of tiny paws came across the grocery store floor. "Oh, hi, bud. Where are your parents, huh?"
"Oh my gosh, he's so cute," Erin breathed, releasing Jay's hand, "Look at his tail, babe." She held out a hand for the light brown young dog, his tail thumping against the grocery aisle, "Oh, you're a happy guy."
"Careful," Jay warned, "He could be rabid or something."
"He's a puppy, Jay. And he's got a collar on," Erin replied with a roll of her eyes. She grinned when he nuzzled into her hand. "Aw," she gushed, crouching down gingerly, "Hi little guy. What's your name?"
"Cooper," the woman behind the counter said, "He belonged to an older resident in town who passed recently. Warren Hubbert."
"Mr. Hubbert?" Jay raised his eyebrows in surprised, "I didn't realize he passed."
"You knew him?" she looked surprised, "He was a local."
"Friends with my mom when they were kids," Jay said lightly, "We uh, we used to borrow his kayaks."
"Jay Halstead?" She widened her eyes, "Is that you, all grown up?"
His cheeks darkened. "Yeah, uh-"
"You probably don't remember me. I was friends with your mom way back when. Susanna Michaelson." She offered a sad smile, "I was so sorry to hear about your mom."
Jay smiled politely. He vaguely recognized the woman. "Thank you," he said, "It's uh, been a while since I've been back up here. My brother Will is up here with us. This is my girlfriend, Erin." He looked for Erin and immediately paled when he didn't see her. "Babe?"
His heart dropped. He'd released her hand for two seconds so she could pet the dog and suddenly, she was out of his line of sight. Erin had been at or near his eyeline for days and not seeing her for a split second made him want to vomit. "Erin?"
Jay hastened around the corner and grinned, relief spreading across his cheeks. Erin was seated in the aisle, puppy in her lap, giggling as he licked her cheeks. "Found a friend, huh?"
"He's so cute," Erin insisted, "Look at those floppy ears." She giggled again when Cooper nuzzled closer, "Careful little guy, I'm fragile here."
"I got him," Jay assured her, lifting the wriggling dog off his girl, "Don't want him to step on your stomach."
"No, give him back," Erin insisted, holding her arms out, "I'm not done with puppy kisses." She frowned when the dog immediately settled against Jay in contentment. "Oh, he likes you babe."
"He's a little firecracker," Susanna piped up, "He's been staying with me while we figure out a more permanent situation. I'd keep him, but my husband Johnny's allergic."
Erin nodded and accepted the hand from Jay to stand. She stroked the puppy's head, smiling when he gave a little yawn. "Have you found anyone yet?" Jay asked casually, "Or-"
"Not yet," Susanna replied, "Not many people out here this time of year to ask."
Jay glanced down at the dog in his arms. Hearing Erin giggle with the puppy had brought him a sense of peace he hadn't felt in ages. "Can we take him?" he asked, "He could live with us in Chicago."
"Really?" Erin's jaw dropped, "We could take him?"
"If you want," Susanna said, "He's got a whole bunch of stuff that Mr. Hubbert left behind, like a crate and beds and toys. I can bring it by your place later if you want to take him now." She smiled. "He deserves a happy home."
"What do you think, babe?" Jay asked, "You think we're ready to be dog parents?"
She nodded emphatically. "Yes," she insisted, holding out her arms for the puppy, "Yes, yes, yes." Erin beamed when Jay passed Cooper back to her. "What do you think, buddy? You wanna come to Chicago with me and Jay?" She let out a giggle when his wet nose grazed her chin.
"He's going to be a bigger boy," Susanna warned, "He's probably around four months now, but the vet said he'll probably be around eighty pounds. Huge paws."
Jay widened his eyes slightly. "Eighty?"
"I always wanted a great big dog," Erin said excitedly, setting Cooper down on the grocery store floor, "Are you going to be a big boy? Yes you are." She scratched the puppy's head and grinned when he yawned. "Look, babe! He yawned."
"We'll take him," Jay said to Susanna, "Do you have a rope or something to-"
"Got his leash here, it clips right to his collar," Susanna said, reaching behind the register to produce Cooper's leash, "Poop bags are here. He's pretty much potty trained, and he's all fixed and had his shots. Just needs a loving home and a yearly check up."
"You are such a good boy," Erin praised, holding Cooper in her lap while Jay drove carefully, "Such a good boy. And so handsome." She kissed the top of his head, "Are you going to be my best boy?"
"I'm beginning to regret this," Jay muttered, glancing at his passengers, "Feeling like I might be replaced."
"Nobody could ever replace you," Erin promised, "Not even the cutest puppy in the whole wide world. Isn't that right?" She beamed when Cooper gave a puppy yawn, "You already love your daddy, don't you Cooper?"
Jay chucked. "As long as I'm still your best boy. And the most handsome."
Erin smiled. "Deal." She ran her fingers over Cooper's head. "Thank you. I know a dog wasn't the plan when you agreed to take me into town today."
"I've been thinking about it," he said nonchalantly, "When you were all loopy on the pain meds there was this video of a skateboarding dog and you went on about how we needed to move to a house to have a dog." He offered a grin, "I'd do anything to see you smile, babe."
She reached over to stroke his hair. "My best boy," she whispered.
"We needed eggs and you come back with a dog?" Will raised his eyebrows as the dog scurried around the cabin, sniffing intently, "Where'd you find him?"
"Dairy section," Jay replied, tossing his brother's keys onto the counter, "He found Erin and the rest his history."
"You were the one who cracked," she retorted, crouching on the kitchen floor, "C'mere Coopie."
"Susanna said he's part pit bull part ridgeback, so he's going to be a guard dog. We can't call him Coopie," Jay said, "He's gotta learn his name."
Erin rolled her eyes. "We've had a dog for like twenty minutes and you're already an expert?"
Will snorted when Jay opened his mouth to reply. "I'm not an expert," he huffed, "But I have seen my share of animal planet." Jay held out his hand. "Cooper, come."
The dog titled his head to the side before ambling over to his new dad. "Good boy," Jay praised, giving him a nugget of dog food that they'd picked up at the grocery store, along with the eggs and pasta supplies, "How about…sit?"
Cooper sat and wagged his tail rapidly. "Okay, since when are you the dog whisperer?" Erin asked, folding her arms across her chest, "How'd you get him to listen to you?"
Jay grinned. "I'll never tell," he teased, scratching the top of Cooper's head, "You are a good boy Coop."
"He likes you more than me," Erin pouted a few hours later. Cooper was fast asleep in Jay's lap as they leaned against the couch on the floor. Her partner was insistent that dogs didn't belong on furniture, and she wasn't about to press him on it. "Is that how come you suggested we get him?"
"No," Jay chuckled, "I'm just warmer than you, babe." He shifted the dog out of his lap to pull Erin closer, settling the sleepy pup onto both of them. "Is that better?"
"Yes," she said, stroking his nose gently. "He's a cutie." She let out a content breath. "Thank you."
Jay kissed the top of her head. "I told you I'd do anything to see you smile," he said, "Even if it means late night dog walks and dog hair everywhere."
She rested her head on his shoulder. "I meant for today. For you seeing me, and asking me." Erin drew in a breath. "I um, I'm sorry that I made you doubt me."
"Doubt you?" Jay furrowed his brow, "I've never doubted you, babe. I just…I've been there. Getting back the second time was…almost unlivable."
"I wish I'd known you then," she mused, "Woulda given me a chance to pull you out of a hole rather than it always be you pullin' me out."
He shook his head. "You uh, you've saved me more times than I can count," he said thickly, "So um, really it's just par for the course." He stroked her cheek gently. "We'll always have each other's back."
Erin nodded. "I still think I might talk to someone," she whispered, "I like talking to you but-"
"If you're comfortable, you should do what you need to," Jay assured her, "It's going to take some time. I'm still working through stuff, but it gets easier. And you'll have me, just like I have you."
"And Cooper," she said with a small smile, "We're parents now, babe." She stroked the puppy's head. "The three of us. For now."
Jay raised his eyebrows slightly. "You've thought about-"
"I didn't want to freak you out," Erin rushed out, "But when I…when I was down there I…I thought about the things I could miss. You, mostly. But uh, also, maybe in a few years, a dog. A house. Maybe a kid." She looked up at him shyly. "I never thought I would want that kind of life but with you…I want everything."
He kissed her lips gently. "You are everything," he breathed, "And I've thought about our future too but I never wanted to put any sort of expectations on you."
"One of the reasons I love you so much," she replied, reaching up to stroke his cheek, "You meet me where I am. Even when it's rock fucking bottom."
Jay buried his nose in her hair. "I love you," he said seriously, "Can't say that enough."
I hope folks are still reading! See you soon :)